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Author Topic: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me  (Read 5629 times)

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Offline xtente

  • Member
  • Posts: 52
I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« on: June 20, 2007, 05:24:17 PM »
i know its wrong. I knew i was positive before i met my wife four years ago. I never had unprotected sex with her but i never told her I was + either.

How can i even say i love her if i couldnt be selfless enough to tell her. I am an asshole and I dont feel very goodabout myself.

She got tested by her doc for everything today and will have the results in a week. I am scared to death. I dont know what to do, how to tell her, what to tell her, etc.

I am lost. and scared. and ashamed.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2007, 05:25:48 PM by xtente »

Offline zeb

  • Member
  • Posts: 172
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2007, 05:44:33 PM »
Hi Xtente,

Well that's a hard issue you brought up. All I can say is that I really hope you'll find a way to be honest with her and that love will conquer! I really hope it will work out!

Wishing you and your wife the best!

Zeb

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2007, 05:49:32 PM »
Wow...I can relate though, I had a similiar thing happen. What is she getting a routine blood work or something? I hope it comes back negative.. And since you said the sex was always protected, it more than likely will. The question is if it does come back neg, will you still come forward and tell her?.It is really hard to say how she will feel, it may be a range of emotions since you knew you were poz before you got married. Or she may still feel those emotions and still decide to be with you, I can't say for sure but those are options.

Another thing, it is unhealthy to carry around guilt, it can affect you in so many ways but you know this. I can imagine what your stress levels are. You definitely have a lot to think about...
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline Lis

  • Member
  • Posts: 593
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2007, 06:14:52 PM »
your wife fell in love with you.... you have kept her safe all this time because you love her.. that is the core of the relationship.. trust ... I know it is hard when you feel like you broke that trust, but trust she loves YOU!!  you must disclose.. the stress is not good for you... but I bet she wont care, and that she accepts you~

good luck!!

lisbeth
poz 1986....

Offline Razorbill

  • Member
  • Posts: 622
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2007, 06:32:46 PM »
Sorry to have to agree with you guy, but yes, you did a really terrible thing.  A worse thing would be to infect her.  And worse still would be not to tell her.  The other posters have been optimistic about the outcome.  The only decent outcome is that your wife is told.  Whatever happens to you, well, happens.

Offline anniebc

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,939
  • AM member since 2003
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2007, 07:07:30 PM »
Xtente

First of all your wife has the right to know, it's her life and she has the right to make a decision where she wants to go from here, I'm not sure how or why you have kept this from her for four years.

Also if she is just having routine blood tests then HIV is not done as a routine check, unless the patient asks for it and gives her consent.

If she has asked for one, why?

If you have been having protected sex for four years and are in a monogamous relationship I can't understand why she would want to have an HIV test now.

You don't have to answer these questions of course I'm just curious and trying to understand a bit more about the reasons behind it all.

Jan
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline camille07

  • Member
  • Posts: 570
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2007, 08:31:56 PM »
I don't know what your relationship is like with your wife but I question the trust issue since you were not up front when you became intimate with her.  She has a right to know. 
I hope the best.

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2007, 09:04:22 PM »
I am not going to lecture you about whether what you did is right or wrong.  You already know the answer to this.

I am going to tell you, however, that relationships based on lies do not work.  When you tell her the truth she will be hurt, perhaps irredemably.

The best thing you can do is ask for forgiveness and hope that the woman who loves you understands that the crux of healing is exactly that:  forgiving.

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline xtente

  • Member
  • Posts: 52
thanks everyone
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2007, 10:11:11 PM »
Ihad a breif conversation with my wife and wasnt fully able to disclose, BUT i think if she learned I am positive, she would forgive me and stay with me. At least that is the impression i got. When her results come back next week, I am goign to disclose. I cant do this anymore.

Also, the reason she got the hiv test is because she is applying for a government jopb that requires a full spectrum test. Its not becasue she is suspicious.

I hope this works out. I love her and she tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened to her.

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2007, 10:17:31 PM »
For your sake, I hope you are right and she stays with you. But if she has no reaction to you being poz and not  disclosing then she is one helluva woman in my book. But why wait til the results come back? If this is weighing so heavily on you, I would think you would rather get it off your chest. Trust me, I know disclosing isn't easy and it never turned out good for me but just saying...I guess your conversation today was leading into it? I hope your wife gets the job...
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2007, 10:22:29 PM »
You're going to wait until her results come back?

Why?

Is it because if they're negative, you'll keep your little secret? Matty the Damned suspects this might be the case. But whatever the case and whenever you do condescend to tell your life partner this small thing about yourself it'll make for an interesting conversation.

"What dear? Your test results came back positive? Never mind! I've had AIDS for the last 9 years."

MtD

Offline appleboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 344
  • Just me!
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2007, 10:23:06 PM »
Xtente,
Breath deep and talk to her.  Love is blind but can be hurt by hiding things.  Part of a marriage is trust and telling her only allow the trust to be there.  I cannot imagine how hard this is for you.  Just know we are here for you.  Thanks for taking the time to share that took guts and now you need to do the second part.
Hugs
Bill
If you are walking down the street and your pants drop to your ankles bend over pick them up and keep on walking!
My Blog

Offline milker

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,034
  • Protected phone sex
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2007, 10:25:53 PM »
You're going to wait until her results come back?

Why?

Is it because if they're negative, you'll keep your little secret? Matty the Damned suspects this might be the case.

Absolutely.

If she has asked for one, why?

If you have been having protected sex for four years and are in a monogamous relationship I can't understand why she would want to have an HIV test now.


Absolutely.

And I'll add another personal question: why do you have protected sex with your wife?

Something is wrong, man.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline RICKY77531

  • Member
  • Posts: 104
  • just Chill
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #13 on: June 20, 2007, 10:28:58 PM »
Yes it was wrong not to tell her but it is must of been hard for you to let her know about it... now is the time to tell her...I would wait till the results come back ,positive or negative and tell her the truth ...either way tell her the fear you felt ..and how carefull you were not to infect her.... but she does love you and might take time for her to understand why u never told her...but time will heal this....I hate to say this but I think being hiv positive has brought me and my partner closer together ..even though he is negative....I'm not saying it's good being positive...I would be negative any day!!! Hope this helps...
06/2007   CD4 266  Vl 62000
06/2007   CD4 200  Vl 13495
07/2007   ATRIPLA
09/2007   CD4 323  VL Undetectable
11/2007   CD4 428  VL Undetectable
01/2008   CD4 357  VL Undetectable
04/2008   CD4 357  VL UNDETECTABLE
08/2008   CD4 402  VL UNDETECTABLE
11/2008   CD4 421  79 DETECTABLE..
2/2009     CD4 450  VL UNDETECTABLE

Offline xtente

  • Member
  • Posts: 52
to akasha and matty
« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2007, 10:29:33 PM »
matty, i would appreciate it if you didnt even respond to me. I am not fond of your heart. I dont enjoy your humor/presence one bit and would rather not engage in any communication with you. and the reason i am not going to tell her until her results come back is because I think she would be overwhelmed with worry every day until the test results came back (and she is not worried now). Also, if she comes back negative I intend to disclose so we both can be more careful than i have been. Two sets of eyes are better than one. If she comes back + i am still going to tell her because if i was the one who infected her i want to take responsibility. I may not be though. She had an ex who cheated on her and was never tested for anything out of fear.

akasha, I have asked my wife on many occasion "what if I turned up positive" and she said "i would love you just the same." and today I said "waht if you turn up positive" and she said "well if i were positive and you became positive we would at least have each other...forever"  Also, the reason she is having a full spectrum blood test including hiv is that she is applying for a job the requires it, and wants everything tested before she applies. she is not suspcious
« Last Edit: June 20, 2007, 10:38:40 PM by xtente »

Offline milker

  • Member
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  • Protected phone sex
Re: to akasha and matty
« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2007, 10:39:56 PM »
matty, i would appreciate it if you didnt even respond to me. I am not fond of your heart, and the reason i am not going to tell her until her results come back is because I think she would be overwhelmed with worry every day until the test results came back (and she is not worried now).
I'm not sure how you can blame Matty for having a bad heart when you lie like this to your wife for so many years.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline PaulinNJ

  • Member
  • Posts: 124
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2007, 10:42:17 PM »
You raise a very tough issue and one that will obviously affect your relationship and more pointedly, trust issues. I have no doubt you should tell her, perhaps seek therapy for yourself first and build up your courage and self-esteem (you're not an asshole...just scared sh*tless and we've all been there). While what you've done is a big lie, I really, really believe if you're going to get through this as a person and as a couple is with a good therapist...a third party who can be subjective and who can assist you and your wife with tools to begin communicating rather than getting caught up in the initial anger which is no doubt going to be one of the first, if not the first, issue to rear its ugly head. If she is angry, she has every right to be...allow her that. It's not a negative emotion, rather it's what one does with anger that is positive or negative.

I truly wish you well being at this time in your life and hope you find the support you require in order to get through this.

Best,
Paul
Laugh often - the alternative ain't worth it!
"Ain't I a stinker?" -- Bugs Bunny
From 120 t's, shingles and high VL in 2001
To 1200+ t's and undetectable in 2007.
2010 remain undedect. and 1000 CD4.

Offline fearless

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,191
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2007, 10:45:24 PM »
Call me suspicious, but something smells a little fishy.

If you are not working, as you have stated, and on adap, as you have stated, and you and your wife pack lube, condoms and your medications (in vitamin bottles but accompanied with the relevant script) in your luggage on your frequent trips to the UK, how have you been able to hide your status for such a long time? Has she not asked any questions? How have you responded before?

At the end of the day its a situation you created.  Accept your responsibility and get on with it.
Be forgiving, be grateful, be optimistic

Offline xtente

  • Member
  • Posts: 52
to miker
« Reply #18 on: June 20, 2007, 10:46:11 PM »
you and matty are the reason some ppl have a skewed view of people and sometimes gay people. You all cry about being judged and then you judge and are quick to try and get revenge or "throw shade." Guess what, this whole post is about coming forward in truth and repairing what i have done. Though at one time i was a coward, i am now a man and am goign to do the right thing. You and ppl like you make me sad. I have no sympathy for people who judge, and he who judges can expect to have "coals heaped upon his head." that said, you just made a huge deposit in the karma bank. Expect payback in some form or another. People in fragile situations should not incur the rather of powers greater than them. You just damned yourself, and as for matty, his very name shows that he has already claimed himself damned, which is a sad thing. I on the other hand, am on the road to redemption.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2007, 10:54:14 PM by xtente »

Offline xtente

  • Member
  • Posts: 52
to fearless
« Reply #19 on: June 20, 2007, 10:49:59 PM »
you are correct. this is a situation i have created and I am dealing with it. As to all of your other questions, the answers are simply none of your business. What I will say though, is that my wife is a trooper, adn will all my subtle hints, i bet she knows and was waiting for me to come forward, Aside from getting tested for the new job, maybe she told me to force my hand. I wrote a reply to miker above this. you should read it. you fall into the same category. And for the record, youare someone else that I would not like to correspond with, so please refrain from posting in my topic.

Thanks

Offline PaulinNJ

  • Member
  • Posts: 124
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #20 on: June 20, 2007, 10:50:46 PM »
Let's stop the judgements and keep the gay issue out of this particular forum. Let's instead focus on the person who has had the brevity to come forward and admit his error(s) and is scared and ashamed and looking for support - let's move forward and not backward. Cool, everyone?
Peace,
Paul
PS I am a gay man and don't judge, nor expect to be judged. Thanks.
Laugh often - the alternative ain't worth it!
"Ain't I a stinker?" -- Bugs Bunny
From 120 t's, shingles and high VL in 2001
To 1200+ t's and undetectable in 2007.
2010 remain undedect. and 1000 CD4.

Offline milker

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,034
  • Protected phone sex
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #21 on: June 20, 2007, 10:53:16 PM »
I suggest you talk to a mental health professional. As Paul said, according to your previous posts this doesn't make sense, and so allow us to be wondering what's going on. You may be in the midst of a serious problem dealing with your status, so instead of giving pieces of your life on here that may be interpreted by us in the wrong way, talk to a specialist.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #22 on: June 20, 2007, 10:55:57 PM »
Where you planning on telling her if this job situation was not pushing it to the forefront? 

Offline Dachshund

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,957
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #23 on: June 20, 2007, 10:57:04 PM »
Call me suspicious, but something smells a little fishy.

If you are not working, as you have stated, and on adap, as you have stated, and you and your wife pack lube, condoms and your medications (in vitamin bottles but accompanied with the relevant script) in your luggage on your frequent trips to the UK, how have you been able to hide your status for such a long time? Has she not asked any questions? How have you responded before?

At the end of the day its a situation you created.  Accept your responsibility and get on with it.


Bingo! Steve is right. This stinks to high heaven and a person of such strong religious beliefs would never lie to their wife.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2007, 11:19:50 PM by Dachshund »

Offline xtente

  • Member
  • Posts: 52
miker, no specialist need
« Reply #24 on: June 20, 2007, 10:57:27 PM »
I am not someone who is not able to solve his own problems. I made this bed, and I am going to lie in it, be a man, and confront the consequences. I dont need a therapist to tell me thats the way to go. I was a coward, but no more.

Offline xtente

  • Member
  • Posts: 52
to dachund
« Reply #25 on: June 20, 2007, 10:59:50 PM »
we all fall short of the glory of god and sometimes stumble. no one is perfect. and i liken you to matty. Miker is not as bad, but you are matty are like one in the same, as such. i would ask you not to post in this post as i am not interested in knowing you or your opinions. thanks.

Offline milker

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Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #26 on: June 20, 2007, 11:00:21 PM »
xtente,

call me stupid, but I tend to believe people even if they had a bad start, which was your case when you started to post. If you're telling the truth, and if you want our help, then you need to spit out everything, including why you have protected sex with your wife, and why is she taking the test.

Without those crucial answers, I don't see how we can trust you and help you.

And yes this is coming from me, that you already hate. Forget my name, just think about what you just read.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline milker

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Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #27 on: June 20, 2007, 11:01:06 PM »
I replied before seeing your last post. I will refrain from posting anymore on this thread if this is your wish.

Milker.

edited to add: "Good luck and Good night"
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline PaulinNJ

  • Member
  • Posts: 124
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #28 on: June 20, 2007, 11:01:16 PM »
I agree with Milker. There are many, many issues that are raised here...almost too many to put the pieces together and we are not here to make judgements, but we are bound to be curious in order to better understand where you are coming from and how this has gone undetected for so long by your wife. Perhaps she does know or does suspect. By reading these posts, I don't believe anyone here has ill will toward you...perhaps there is an underlying anger about the issue you raise. This is something you should not take personally rather take it as a 'positive' (no pun) - that is because the issue you raise is a HOT topic and is accompanied by a lot of emotional issues. I realy urge you to talk to a professional - perhaps you can find someone who specializes in HIV and the related issues - I know the closer to an urban area you may be, the better your chances of finding a professional who can support you and your wife. Be selctive though as with anything, there are good therapists and bad ones. I hope you find a good one.
Peace,
Paul
Laugh often - the alternative ain't worth it!
"Ain't I a stinker?" -- Bugs Bunny
From 120 t's, shingles and high VL in 2001
To 1200+ t's and undetectable in 2007.
2010 remain undedect. and 1000 CD4.

Offline PaulinNJ

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Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #29 on: June 20, 2007, 11:07:34 PM »
The purpose of a therapist is not to TELL you what to do, but to guide you through the bumps in the road we all stumble upon and to ASSIST us in moving forward. You appear to be close minded about his, yet you posed the issue in your post. Support is of paramount importance to you (and perhaps to your wife in the future). Going it alone is great if you can do that, but there are bound to be some issues which you will personally and as a couple, will undoubtedly require some guidance. Your willingness to seek assistance and guidance as you navigate these issues with your wife will no doubt be a demonstration to her that you are willing to get through this TOGETHER.
Paul
Laugh often - the alternative ain't worth it!
"Ain't I a stinker?" -- Bugs Bunny
From 120 t's, shingles and high VL in 2001
To 1200+ t's and undetectable in 2007.
2010 remain undedect. and 1000 CD4.

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #30 on: June 20, 2007, 11:09:17 PM »
akasha, I have asked my wife on many occasion "what if I turned up positive" and she said "i would love you just the same." and today I said "waht if you turn up positive" and she said "well if i were positive and you became positive we would at least have each other...forever"  Also, the reason she is having a full spectrum blood test including hiv is that she is applying for a job the requires it, and wants everything tested before she applies. she is not suspcious

Ok, so you have tested the waters so to speak by bringing up hiv...I guess that is a start. By no means am I here to judge you. You are the one that married her and you know her better than any of us. From the responses she gave, it sounds like she would be supportive of you and may even understand the reason for keeping it to yourself. I never said she was suspicious, I think you got me confused with another's post.

With starting a thread such as this one, you have to expect some sort of backlash. Take it in stride, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I understand why you chose to wait to tell her after she gets her results. I didn't take into consideration the worry factor. With the guilt thing you got going on, being upset by someone's post is only adding to the stress. You can not stop someone from posting their thoughts to your thread since you are the one who posted it intially. I would suggest if you see something you don't like to just ignore it or this thread is going to be locked if it turns into a screaming match or baiting.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline racingmind

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Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #31 on: June 20, 2007, 11:14:24 PM »
One thing I don't understand....don't they test for HIV in the pre-marriage blood tests for STDS?  I would think that would be standard procedure by now.....
Tested Negative: 5/06
Tested Positive: 9/06 
9/06: CD4: 442 (28%) VL: +100,000
10/06: CD4: 323 (25%) VL: 243,440
11/06: CD4: 405 (28%) VL: 124,324
12/06: CD4: 450 (29%) VL: 114,600
1/07: CD4: 440 (27%) VL: 75,286
3/07: CD4: 459 (30%) VL: 44,860
5/07: CD4: 353 (24%) VL: 50,852
7/07: CD4: 437 (29%) VL: 39,475
9/07: CD4: 237 (32%) VL: 372,774
10/07: CD4: 324 (27%) VL: 115,454 
Started Atripla: 10/07
11/07: CD4: 524 (?%) VL: Undetectable!
2/08: CD4: 653 (35%) VL: undetectable
5/08: CD4: 822 (40%) VL: undetectable
8/08: CD4: 626 (35%) VL: undetectable
12/08: CD4: 619 (36%) VL: undetectable
3/09: CD4: 802 (38%) VL: undetectable
7/09: CD4: 1027 (43%) VL: not tested
10/09: CD4: 1045 (43%) VL: undetectable

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #32 on: June 20, 2007, 11:15:35 PM »
Xtente,

Whether you like the responses of myself and certain others is entirely beside the point. I could not possibly care less about your likes or dislikes. We have expressed our views on your comments in a respectful fashion.

If you post publicly in a forum others may reply irrespective of your wishes. The very act of posting publicly invites response from the public.

Ya dig?

MtD
(Who will post whenever the fancy takes him)

Offline Dachshund

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Re: to dachund
« Reply #33 on: June 20, 2007, 11:16:43 PM »
we all fall short of the glory of god and sometimes stumble. no one is perfect. and i liken you to matty. Miker is not as bad, but you are matty are like one in the same, as such. i would ask you not to post in this post as i am not interested in knowing you or your opinions. thanks.

I'll let others play the game with you but for the record I do not believe you are telling the truth. I suggest that anyone offering advice please read all of xtente's  past posts before commenting. I am removing myself from this nonsense.

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #34 on: June 20, 2007, 11:17:47 PM »
Time to act.
To become a better person.
To follow an honest path and take the first breath toward redemption.

Drew

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #35 on: June 20, 2007, 11:18:09 PM »
One thing I don't understand....don't they test for HIV in the pre-marriage blood tests for STDS?  I would think that would be standard procedure by now.....

Where I am from they don't do any test. You raise your right hand swear you don't have anything. Seriously.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline David_CA

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  • Joined: March 2006
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #36 on: June 20, 2007, 11:25:33 PM »
Xtente, in the future, it would help if you were a bit more upfront with some of the 'details' of your situations when you post.  How can anybody wonder if you were planning on telling her with the info. you posted?  You should know that you'd get a strong reaction here from having sex with a negative person without disclosing.  Would you honestly expect less of a reaction from not only having sex with this person but marrying her?   ???

David
« Last Edit: June 20, 2007, 11:28:57 PM by David_NC »
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline J220

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Re: miker, no specialist need
« Reply #37 on: June 20, 2007, 11:44:49 PM »
I am not someone who is not able to solve his own problems. I made this bed, and I am going to lie in it, be a man, and confront the consequences. I dont need a therapist to tell me thats the way to go. I was a coward, but no more.

If you were so confident about solving your problems you would not be posting here....

It takes a big person to own up to an error in judgment, but it takes a bigger one to admit when he or she needs help. I would STRONGLY recommend seeking the guidance of a therapist before you proceed. These are professionals that are trained to help you find your OWN answers, not to tell you what to do. It has nothing to do with being weak, or a coward or anything like that. On the contrary, it's the epitome of courage to seek help when you need it most, when the road ahead is dark.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2007, 11:47:40 PM by J220 »
"Hope is my philosophy
Just needs days in which to be
Love of Life means hope for me
Born on a New Day" - John David

Offline woodshere

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  • ain't no shame in my game
Re: to akasha and matty
« Reply #38 on: June 20, 2007, 11:53:44 PM »
....I have asked my wife on many occasion "what if I turned up positive" and she ....

The fact of the matter is you aren't just turning up positive, you were positive from the start.  A bit different than just turning up positive.

If what you say is true then you most definitely have a difficult road ahead.  I have found getting things out the sooner the better and I would not wait to disclose for the results.  If they come back negative, it will be very easy to avoid telling again.

Finally, if you are upset with some of the responses or responses from certain members (including me most likely) there is a simple way to prevent being upset it is called the ignore button.  Then you won't have to read those responses that you disagree with or responses from people who question some of your posts.  

Woods

PS:  I thought you wrote a farewell thread a few days back?????

"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline Miss Philicia

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  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #39 on: June 21, 2007, 12:02:21 AM »
gee... what a trainwreck of a thread
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline anniebc

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Re: I have the worst secret in the world. and its killing me
« Reply #40 on: June 21, 2007, 12:09:24 AM »
I have locked this thread.

I really can't see any good coming from it.

Jan
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Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

 


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