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Author Topic: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless  (Read 1951 times)

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Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #50 on: April 13, 2014, 10:41:23 AM »
I'm not "friend-shopping" as you call it I don't like that comment. I just saw my primary doc the other day & I agreed to stick with my current psych. However I'm not going to therapy with someone I don't like so that's why myself & my doc agreed to set me up with a new therapist whos a woman. It's hard enough for me to even state some of this stuff in person let alone to a therapist so I'm damn sure going to make sure I have one I'm comfortable with..I don't think that's friend shopping I all that finding a therapist I'm comfortable with. I don't trust people so it needs to be someone I feel I can trust.

I'm not going to try & self diagnose anymore I don't know what's wrong with me at this point. In the past my psych hasn't really listened to to me so I don't feel I can a.) have the time to articulate things & b.) he pretty much throws meds out & boom...visit's over. Hopefully my new therapist can help with some of this crap.

It's so hard for me to talk about this stuff I'm just not comfortable with talking about inner stuff with doctors it makes me cringe & I don't want to crack. I'm going to be as honest as I possibly can with my psych like I have been up to now, and my new therapist. And if I feel the urge to self harm again I'll go to ER.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

vl in December, 2013: Undetectable

cd4 in December, 2013: 650

Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2013.

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #51 on: April 13, 2014, 10:53:45 AM »
ok, i apologize if i offended. my only point is, the dr patient relationship is a professional working relationship. you seem to need it to be a personal one, they avoid that as standard procedure.
3/27/14 vl >300k cd4=9... plenty of room to improve

I'm walking kind of funny, Lord
Feel I'm fixing to die, fixing to die
Well, I don't mind dying
But I hate to leave my children crying

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #52 on: April 13, 2014, 01:22:52 PM »
I feel constantly devalued & degraded like whatever I say doesn't matter & I'm sick of it. People judging, I heard about it & I know. And I don't like it anymore.

Why do I talk to someone and make intelligent relevant points but yet someone muscular and hot comes along and says something stupid and those people act like it's the smartest thing ever. That's foolish.

And how exactly will drugs help. People won't change. They still act like ignorant stupid people who happen to look good to them are the greatest thing ever, when nerdy guys like me don't matter.

I hope this therapist has some ideas because at this point I am dealing with a lot and don't trust anyone & I'm very pissed off.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

vl in December, 2013: Undetectable

cd4 in December, 2013: 650

Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2013.

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #53 on: April 13, 2014, 02:12:26 PM »
robby, i apologized for something i really didn't mean much by. thats all you're gonna get from me. i'm not judging you. but you need help, on a level that cannot be provided here.

i really do wish you well man.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2014, 02:40:56 PM by zach »
3/27/14 vl >300k cd4=9... plenty of room to improve

I'm walking kind of funny, Lord
Feel I'm fixing to die, fixing to die
Well, I don't mind dying
But I hate to leave my children crying

Offline RobbyR

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  • Posts: 241
Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #54 on: April 16, 2014, 02:50:56 PM »
Went on another interview today, only to be told I did not pass the qualification test. I'm sick of this I'm always failing at everything I do all I want is a job I can do & try to be productive I'm sick of living with my parents for once in my life I'd like to be independent.

I'm trying to remain strong but it's very hard. I wonder is it me? Is it the way I look. At this point I am ready to just give up nobody will hire me even with a clean criminal record. I say all the fake happy shit employers want to hear, & try to be affable & friendly, and I am reasonably articulate. Maybe it's my poor work history. But how the hell does one get work history if nobody will give you a chance?

I am really in a dark place I may have to go to the ER today or tomorrow because I am feeling seriously suicidal again. I cut myself the other day many times it passed but now I feel the need to do it again. I hope I won't be hospitalized but at this point I don't even care anymore. I'm sick of being a failure. And nobody cares.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

vl in December, 2013: Undetectable

cd4 in December, 2013: 650

Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2013.

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #55 on: April 16, 2014, 02:52:32 PM »
I'm going to try & muster the energy to go the the ER tonight because I am feeling at my wits end.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

vl in December, 2013: Undetectable

cd4 in December, 2013: 650

Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2013.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #56 on: April 16, 2014, 03:24:53 PM »
Robby its good to hear that you live with someone.  Do your parents get involved at all in your mental and physical health?
I got the impression you lived alone. Last week you were worried how you could even get to the ER, transport issues, not to mention being in public.
Would you mind clarifying the living situation and who is aware of your mental state?

With your current level of distress, its not surprising you are coming off badly in interviews. I am a bit surprised you manage to go to interviews, in fact.

The same circular and irrational thoughts keep resurfacing about this unemployment "Is it the way I look."  Once again, I can assure you, this is not the issue.   

It probably does have to do with your experience to date, however.  You are sort of holding out "getting a job" as the solution to your distress, but it might be worth considering that you are in fact, at this time, in no condition to have a job.  Yeah, employment is VERY important to personal integrity, sanity, self-worth self-esteem. But at the same time, working isn't always possible if one is mentally ill.

I encourage you to go the ER. Listen, anyway you can get the medical system to take action to deal with your current emotional distress, do it.   You need to be in therapy and yes, indeed, you may need to spend some time in hospital but so what.  Its your right to find a solid way out of this hole.

Also, again, I am now wondering - are you living alone, or not? Who is aware of your current state?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #57 on: April 16, 2014, 10:11:51 PM »
Meech I'm lucky I guess to be able to live with relatives although they aren't necessarily involved in my personal life. We don't talk about that. I have nobody to talk to regarding my being gay, let alone the hiv & bipolar. It's just all my secrets. Other than my doctors of course. Due to my inability to find work, I am ashamed to have any friends & because I live at home I know people would make fun of me.

It's not even that I come off bad in interviews I don't think. It's more they wonder about my lack of work experience or the gaps in my resume & maybe because of how I look. I just feel so ugly.

I did reach out to my state's vocational rehab program awhile back I thought about maybe going to barber school. I even toured both the schools in my area today..Because of my bipolar disorder the voc rehab would pay for most of my tuition if I went that route..

But I've never been told by anyone in my life that someone is proud of me or achieved anything. I've always been put down, held to an impossible standard, so now I basically am told "you made your bed lie in it". Of course they don't know about my bipolar I have to keep it a secret because in my family that would not be accepted.

So I'm stuck. I just tell myself I would fail at anything I do so what's the point because I never can get a break. At this point I've pretty much ruled out barber school or cosmetology school too because I'm scared I'd fail at that too or that I'd be made fun of like I have been all my life.

It's just hopeless. I've tried & tried but nothings worked so I'm clearly meant to be a failure. I wish I had some hope. But I have none nor any encouragement or support or confidence in myself. I feel like an ugly loser.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

vl in December, 2013: Undetectable

cd4 in December, 2013: 650

Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2013.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #58 on: April 17, 2014, 02:13:45 AM »
Bipolar, binge and purge, cutting, and body dysmorphia are a matrix of disorders that need to be investigated and treated by a professional. You simply cannot keep this all a secret from care givers and hope to get better. If your family are not care givers, ok work with that, but you cannot keep the entire set of challenges secret from a therapist and from doctors.  The little I know, I do think you are aware of whats necessary because its important to eventually find a function that returns a sense of self-worth. So obviously yeah the vocational therapy is the right track.

I am wondering why there isn't mental health therapy combined with pills, when and where necessary.  Overseen by a MD doctor and therapist, and/or an MD doctor and a psychiatrist (therapist who is an MD as well).  Or, you need a brilliant case manager who will pursue some kind of global attention to the challenge. 

It seems you hold back information from caregivers, for whatever reasons, at the end of the day its not constructive. You suffer more and worse in your cycles. There might have been traumatic past experiences fuelling the whole storm, you might have to discover what they were. It might be mostly chemical.  I do think you need a professional to help figure out the whole she-bang and find some relief from the distress.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2014, 02:18:59 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #59 on: April 17, 2014, 08:00:36 AM »
I couldn't agree with Mecch more Robby . Its clear that part of the problem is that your condition compels you to erect barriers and roadblocks that keep you from moving forward in life .

You know that going it alone and doing it your way has not been working for you so please make it a priority to find the right doctor that you can live with and let go with, someone that you can trust to make the right decisions for you and then follow through on what he or she advises with even if it does not feel right at the time . I was in a dark place once and I eventually found a doctor who carried the load and believed in me when I couldn't do it for myself anymore . I got better when I let go and trusted enough to let someone else call the shots until I could do it for myself .

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #60 on: April 17, 2014, 11:38:27 AM »
Well my psychiatrist is very qualified & I trust him..But he is not a therapist. My hiv clinic has two therapists. One guy, one lady. The guy I saw way back. Didn't seem to click with him. My case manager seems like she doesn't really care she's just very blase when I told her how depressed I was & that I was cutting myself. She just said "hang in there" and take your meds. I'm taking my meds, but when I'm depressed I'm REALLY unstable & depressed a nobody seems to care or hear me when I say this.

The case manager said I can try the female therapist, and my psychiatrist agreed. But apparently she's really busy they said she would call me & set an appointment up.

I may not last until then though. I am totally hopeless & in crisis & nobody seems to care. I'm so ashamed that my mental state is like this, I don't want to be a burden either I hate that. I'll probably have to go to the ER somehow if I don't feel better.

Sometimes I wish I had a life coach to help me..But those probably don't exist nor could I afford one. I'm just at a loss. The only way out seems for me to just not hurt anymore.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

vl in December, 2013: Undetectable

cd4 in December, 2013: 650

Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2013.

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #61 on: April 17, 2014, 04:35:06 PM »
RobbyR

Please try to reach out for help.I know its so very difficult but all of these issues can be resolved but you need to think about the most important issue...you and your health.

I had phone couselling  from THT , also the back up from the Psychiatrist.If you really dont feel comfortable with face to face counselling,  phone counselling is a start.

Keep checking back here, A lot of people here care about you.

britchickxxx

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #62 on: April 17, 2014, 06:48:27 PM »
Well contact that psychiatrist and tell him you are in dire straights. Does HE know you binge and purge, cut, and are suicidal?  He had you on meds but If I got it correctly, you stopped them?  I'm sure if you could find acceptable meds, not too terrible, its clearly not enough -- you need a therapist who is either a shrink or is working with a shrink.  I don't understand the family situation. They know nothing of this distress? Remind me again, do they know you are HIV+?
Since you are suicidal every other time you check in here its clear something has to give. You must feel terrible.  If you announce you are suicidal to any other these people - case worker, therapist, shrink, treating md? - what happens?  You could get better help if you could manage to advocate for yourself but it doesn't seem like you can manage that.  Plus your family - you've excluded them from the list of possible caregivers?  OR they excluded you?   I think if you announce you are suicidal you can check into the hospital...  Start talking to health professionals... Wouldn't that be a good thing?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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  • Posts: 241
Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #63 on: April 17, 2014, 09:18:28 PM »
He knows I've had depressed episodes in the past & that I've cut but not recently. You don't know what it's like. Nobody seems to..I took some Xanax & I feel a little better but I'm still feeling really sad & angry. I'm going to try & be strong & hope I can come out of this.

I'm scared if I tell people I'm suicidal they'll try & commit me & put me in a closed room I don't think I could stand that I'm just scared of what they'd do to me.

I'm on meds but I am still suicidal, & I was recently manic when I ran out of them but this is the worst depression I've ever had. My family doesn't really know how bad things are they suspect I have problems they don't know I'm poz, nor that I have bipolar. I guess they just think I'm really moody or unpredictable.

Problem is I don't trust anyone to help me. Like at all. I've been doubke crossed & bullshitted by so many people I have yet to have anyone tell me I matter or that I can depend on anyone & I have to keep strong I just have to because there's people that are looking to double cross you at the drop of a hat.

If I am depressed again tomorrow I will try & drag myself to the ER the xanax does help the depression a bit but I'm still very pissed off & I am scaredif I go to hospital they'll lock me away.

It's just exhausting & I feel alone in this but I'll try & manage somehow..
Started Atripla August, 2010.

vl in December, 2013: Undetectable

cd4 in December, 2013: 650

Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2013.

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #64 on: April 17, 2014, 09:25:49 PM »
Robby, I really do not think you will be locked in a room or mistreated in any way if you seek help . You have significant problems so you may want to consider it may be best if you do get some inpatient care at a facility that can concentrate on you with the goal getting you back stable again . 

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #65 on: April 17, 2014, 09:41:44 PM »
Robby Im not going to tell you to ask your family to help you but I am curious why you can't ask them. Did they double cross you?
About friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc, yes, people can be shitty, its true. But one of the things we all have to do is find ways so that people's shitty acts don't destroy us.  Personally, I am a realist verging on a cautious optimist. I know many people do some shitty things sometimes, to others.  But that's life. And people can also be very nice and generous.   As for professionals - same thing. I would say I've had a few doctors who really patched me up when I needed it, but listen here - I asked them to and I let them do it. 
Since you are not letting your family step in, its really going to be up to health/medical professionals.  And you can't hide your current distress because they need to know, in order to apply their expertise to the entire situation.  Really, its their job.  Its your right to be treated entirely.... I suppose I can empathise only, I never feared being committed and I understand you really fear being "locked up". 

Since you say you trust your psychiatrist, why don't you tell him everything, how you are suffering, what your are doing to yourself, and also discuss with him your fear of being "locked up".  The only way forward is forward.  If you are angry, express your anger a cogently as possible. Seems you have a right to be angry that you feel like you have fallen through the cracks.  But there are also some "cracks" in your perception of things so somehow you need to trust someone who can have a cool outside overview.

I suppose if someone tells the police or health care workers he is suicidal, he will get screened for mental health and yes I do think a suicidal person can be put on a forced watch but I don't think its all that long and anyway, its the rational thing to happen, because it might prevent a suicide.  And this gives a moment to hook up the person to necessary support to ease the crisis. 
« Last Edit: April 17, 2014, 09:51:01 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #66 on: April 17, 2014, 10:19:01 PM »
you wont be locked in a room. it is not jail, it is not a padded room. it is a treatment facility, to provide needed care. it is what you need. and if its against your will, it will only last three days, 72 hours. you can do that robby. i know you can. if you check yourself in, you can check yourself out. you are free to leave if you refuse medical treatment. but please don't do that. let them help you. your fears are much worse than the reality is. you need treatment, we can only give moral support. you are in a position where only medical professionals can help you resolve this now. please give them the chance, and every bit of honest and open information they can use. you don't have to hide anything, to keep anything from them. nothing will be used against you

you've said many times here you don't have any friends. i'm your friend robby. i hope you feel the same way. we're here for you buddy, but we can only do so much. we'll still be here for you when you get out. every step man. i've gone through it. so many of your posts do echo with me.

i do know what its like. even the cutting, the scars up my arm remind me when i look at myself. the first ones, hesitant, cautious. the lasts one. deep, ripping angry scars, that still sting in the sun or when i'm dehydrated. i can't hide them, if i wear short sleeves, they are there for the world to see. its obvious what they are. i've been baker acted, i've committed violent acts in a blind rage, i've been in jail, and prison. i have been in solitary confinement. my manic episodes, were dangerous to myself, to anyone near me, to the world i wanted to burn down. there is a vicious monster in me, it is a wounded animal backed into a corner, slashing out at anything that moves near. but it took a long time to understand i am not the monster. your experience is individual, but please don't think you're alone. others have been in the same terrifying place you are now.

i want you to get through this. i want you to reach the day where life feels good again. i know when that happens, the job will naturally fall into place. and so many things, will just get in line. be willing to do what it takes to reach that place.
3/27/14 vl >300k cd4=9... plenty of room to improve

I'm walking kind of funny, Lord
Feel I'm fixing to die, fixing to die
Well, I don't mind dying
But I hate to leave my children crying

Offline RobbyR

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  • Posts: 241
Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #67 on: April 18, 2014, 11:43:51 AM »
I managed to get out of bed today. I'm still feeling sad, but I haven't cut myself since the other day. I wanted to yesterday but I didn't. I'm more numb today. My relative who I live with noticed my pierced ears & made a usual degrading remark, "why did you have to pierce your ears, haven't you disgraced us enough"? So that really hurt my feelings & I lashed out & slammed my door but at this point I'm used to being treated this way. I'm trapped, I'm lucky to have a roof over my head, but I don't think I can stand being around these people any more, but they are all I have until I can become self sufficient if that ever happens.

I have no self esteem left I'm always told, "your beard is so ugly", "you look scary with that beard", or "why would you wear a tie with a denim jacket, you don't know how to dress", or "why aren't you married, are you queer"?

I'm sick of it but like I said nowhere else to go. I'm just used to it & pissed off & numb to it all. And I hate being around people, I get very panicky and think everyones judging me & looking at me..

I think about suicide constantly except when I'm up or manic or whatever you want to call it, and then I'm out sleeping with pretty much anyone. Which I hate myself for.

I just want to be self sufficient on my own & live my own life but it doesn't look like it will ever happen. I can't get a job. I'm sick of having to live to other people's standards I am my own person & I am gay & I don't WANT a woman or children hell I don't even want a man I just want to be self sufficient & on my own & do what I want without constantly being berated & put down I can't take it anymore.

I did get a call from the therapist at my clinic today asking to meet with me so I guess my case worker gave her my number. She sounded nice enough I guess. I just have to get the courage up to call her back.

I'm scared I don't want to look back only forward I just want to be normal. I'm scared. People have really done me wrong in past & I don't trust anyone. Ever since my aunt died I don't know what to believe or who to trust she was my rock. I feel like if I disappeared nobody would care & that's the truth but I beginning to be ok with that. I hope these meds kick in because I don't want to feel anything I just want to either be self sufficient & on my own or not at all.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

vl in December, 2013: Undetectable

cd4 in December, 2013: 650

Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2013.

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #68 on: April 18, 2014, 04:49:43 PM »
RobbyR,

Im glad to see you posting again today.Please call back the therapist and try to write down how yoi are feeling.it might help you  with going forward.You got up today, signed on here , thats a good sign and  have all of us supporting you.

britchickxx


Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #69 on: Yesterday at 10:07:11 PM »
I guess the meds are kicking in I've had a somewhat better couple of days. The deep depression has subsied a bit, I had 2 or 3 pretty intense rages today but that's not unusual for me & they pass pretty quick. Going to try & take this day by day. I'm on a low dose anti psychotic to see how I do with it. My psychiatrisy came through for me giving me some supplies & wrote me a note for my primary care doc so from now on she can write my meds he prescribes since she is under my insurance plan & agreed to do that. My psychiatrist is continuing to give me xanax as I seem to do well with it. I secretly ditched Paxil way back because it didn't do crap for me except make me I'll.

I'm going to see how I do day by day & hope I can somehow find a job that isn't total crap so I can begin to build a life for myself, but I won't be optimistic ntil it actually happens.

I'm just going to try & remain strong at all costs in the meantime I must do that.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

vl in December, 2013: Undetectable

cd4 in December, 2013: 650

Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2013.

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #70 on: Yesterday at 11:01:19 PM »
i'm glad you feel better right now, and have had a good day. hang onto this moment, if you begin to despair, remember that you CAN feel good. the highs and lows of bipolar, sometimes the highs can feel so good, the sun seems shine so much brighter. but its lurking man, don't lie to yourself. you are going to have to deal with this in life. in one sentence you say the meds are kicking in, you feel better. in the same breath you secretly quit paxil because it didn't do anything for you. what gives robby? you're feeling better, that means its working. you stopped taking them. this wont last, the cycle will continue.

NO robby, don't ditch the depression meds. paxil takes time for maximum onset. you're only just starting to feel it, don't give up now. its not a narcotic like effect, it doesn't happen in 45 minutes of absorption. it takes weeks, it builds its levels in the system until it reaches therapeutic effectiveness. paxil didn't make you ill robby, not in any way shape or form. don't give up just because its not a panacea magic bullet

take your xanax, it is immediately effective for the anxiety, and thats needed. but lets be honest, the high is nice too isn't it, so you didn't secretly stop that did you? i hear it in you man. you are going to have to face that monster in the mirror. you're just napping out your troubles, sleeping them away. they are still there.

you need to do a serious reality check on yourself robby. some hard tough love. self love if thats what it needs. or be willing to listen to someone that tells you some things that are going to hurt to hear. you're not well, and not able to see this whole thing clearly.

bottom line. and you need to believe someone that is saying this. its not just me robby, look back through the posts at what all of us are saying.

you were bipolar long before you were positive. that is a serious risk factor with atripla. a simple honest exploration of an ARV med change in this instance would almost certainly help with alot of your mental state. it will get you to a point where you see all this more clearly, and have more control. whether or not you can understand it, or believe it, or admit it. sustiva is dangerous for us. honest therapy, counseling and proper medication. take your damn paxil meds robby, just shut up and take them. don't stop. give them the time they need to help you. it really can turn around man

you need to get through this acute episode, and cycle center balance. put together a management plan, and follow it.

edited to ask.. you mention anti psychotic, may i pry and ask if it is seroquel? that is a wonderful med, if so, please give it a chance. that is the one that really helped me reconnect. i'm so appreciative of it.

and your last sentence. that is the best thing i've read from you in a long time. hold that man. remain strong. fight to get through this. you words. at all costs
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 11:27:39 PM by zach »
3/27/14 vl >300k cd4=9... plenty of room to improve

I'm walking kind of funny, Lord
Feel I'm fixing to die, fixing to die
Well, I don't mind dying
But I hate to leave my children crying

 


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