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feeling guilty..... need advice

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Hi Jae
I totally agree with Ann and Betty that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. NOTHING.

--- Quote from: jae3 on June 10, 2007, 08:51:07 PM ---I guess I am just beating myself up over the fact of what might take place in the future and the possible question of why didn't you tell me before we did anything in the beginning. I just hope that you do understand why I feel this way.

Maybe I am trying to put myself in his place. It is true that I don't know him very well (we are still in the process of that) or that I have known him for that long. I am just so used to being honest and I feel like I am covering everything up.
--- End quote ---

However, the issues that you outline in the quoted section above is pretty much why I took the decision to be totally upfront and disclose from the offset with any potential friends and/or partners - to preempt/avoid such scenarios. I like to place all my cards on the table from the word go and let whoever make an informed decision whether they want to be involved or not. For me, it's not so much an issue of risk (as I know I would NEVER put anyone at risk, and neither have you) but it's more an issue of emotional investment.

With the knowledge that my HIV status can cause a myriad of responses from others, I also view my approach as separating the wheat from the chaff; if they can't handle my HIV status, that's their problem, not mine. Anyone who can't accept me for everything I am is not welcome in my life, whoever they may be.

But each to their own. That's just how I like to do things.

Hope it all works out for you.

Melia :)

Hmmm... maybe I'm focusing too much on the "risk" thingy here. (comes from spending too much time in Am I) ::)

The last time I was in a dating situation was about six months after I got my hep C diagnosis (a year and a half BEFORE I got my hiv diagnosis) I didn't disclose my hep C status the first few dates, because nothing we were doing put him at risk. Hep C is also not transmitted through casual contact or kissing.

It wasn't until I learned more about him - and thought the relationship might be moving in a more intimate direction - that I disclosed. Although hep C isn't generally sexually transmitted, especially from a woman to a man, I still felt he had the right to know before we got deeper into the relationship.

It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to tell someone - well, until I was called in for an hiv test, but that's another story - but it went well. It helped that he's an intelligent man and not given to panic or flying off the handle. BUT - I took the time to suss this out before I told him. At that point in my life, I wasn't going to disclose to someone I might not even really be interested in. Guess what - he understood that completely. I told him upfront why I hadn't told him sooner and he said if he were in my shoes, he'd do the same.

The eighth anniversary of our first date will be in early August and we're still together. (and late August will be the eighth anniversary of our "disclosure date") I tested hiv positive eighteen months into the relationship and he stuck by me - and he's hiv negative despite the fact that we didn't use condoms for those eighteen months. (we do now!)

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that if he is someone worth having, he'll understand why you didn't tell him sooner. I will say this though, when you do pick your moment to disclose, try and make it a neutral moment, not in the middle of a make-out session. It might also help to have something on-hand to give him to read. The transmission lesson here is printable.

As I said earlier, good luck hun, I hope he's a keeper. Let us know!


PS - along with the Transmission Lesson, you might also want to read (and possibly print out for him) the Disclosure Lesson. I've linked you to the printable version of both.

Good luck!


 ???Sorry i lost the whole darn was quite long too..geesh :(

I guess we live and learn by what we do and dont do, right?

As my heart is heavy, I do plan on disclosing Thursday night when we meet. I am not sure how I will do it but I will make sure that the timing is right and I am sure that a few tears will come along with it. I guess its because I am still trying to be comfortable in my own skin.

I know that we had a loooooooong conversation on the phone last night but I refuse to say anything because I feel that face to face is always better. I need to see the reaction. The only thing that threw me off last night was something that he did say but it had to do with his past and the whole making sure that someone was clean and using protection. There was more to it but it had to deal with the fact that he and his wife (who passed away 5 years ago) were into some swinging.  So, thats understandable but thank God he couldnt see the lump in my throat.

I do know from what he told me that he is "inlike" with me and the feeling is mutual.  I did make a few calls myself today, one that included my therapist and because he knows me well, the decision has been made.

Ann, I do plan on writing a letter just in case I cant make the whole conversation and because I know that I did not put him at risk I will just leave it at that.

I promise that with all of the help and support, I will repost after our meeting.




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