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feeling guilty..... need advice

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jae3:
It has been awhile since I have posted in the forums but I have something on my mind and it has been bothering me and this is the only place that I know of to turn to. I will make this as short as possible and wont add much detail.
I have been poz for a little over 2 yrs now and have had a long distance relationship with someone that is also poz so making my status aware to others is something new to me. We decided not to put a  "title" on anything, so our door is open for relationships.
*Please note that I am educated on the transmission of HIV.*
A few months ago, I was involved with someone that I had known for almost a year and before ANYTHING took place I made him aware of my status, that included kissing. To my surprise, he was very understanding and I wont go into any details on what took place. But........
Now, what I am feeling guilty about is that I normally don't approach men to any degree but I  did with a man that I was very attracted to a few weeks ago. The feeling was mutual and we did go out and had a wonderful time just talking and hanging out. Towards the end of the night, more like after the sun came up we did some kissing and some fondling and WOW was out of this world, no sex though, I made a few excuses which were really good.  My problem is, unlike the last man, I did not inform him of my status. I just feel really guilty about not telling him before I began kissing him.  I know that we are planning on getting together again this weekend and I feel that I need to tell him but I am afraid that maybe I should have told him from the get go. Am I being stupid and overreacting? Guess I am just scared of what his reaction will be when I finally tell him. I feel that what I did was wrong because I wasn't upfront and forward with him so that he could decide whether he wanted to kiss me or not.
Can anyone help me feel at ease about this?

Ann:
jae,

Considering that kissing is absolutely NOT a risk for hiv transmission, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are under no obligation to disclose your status to every single person you kiss.

You DO have a right to take things slowly and find more out about the guy before you disclose. As far as not giving him a choice with the kissing thing, what's the difference when you never put him at risk for anything? It's a choice between not having a risk or... not having a risk.

Don't beat yourself up over this, hun.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx


BT65:
I totally agree with Ann.  You don't need to disclose unless you two are going to actually have "intercourse."  Don't feel bad!  I know it's scarey to think about disclosing to this guy and what his reaction will be, but I trust that you will make the right decision.  You'll be able also to live with the results of that.  You know we're here for you! :-*
Betty

jae3:
Thanks for the replies, it has made me feel somewhat better.

I guess I am just beating myself up over the fact of what might take place in the future and the possible question of why didn't you tell me before we did anything in the beginning. I just hope that you do understand why I feel this way.

Maybe I am trying to put myself in his place. It is true that I don't know him very well (we are still in the process of that) or that I have known him for that long. I am just so used to being honest and I feel like I am covering everything up.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Jae

Ann:
jae,

He's only going to question why you kissed him without disclosure if he doesn't have a clue about how hiv is and is not transmitted. If he does ask this question, you've already got your answer - "because kissing isn't a risk for infection, therefore it was irrelevant at the time".

If he's a good guy, he's not going to make a big deal out of a kiss. If he freaks out, then he probably wasn't the guy for you anyway.

(And if he does freak out, send him to me over in Am I and I'll sort his butt out for you!) ;D

Hang in there hun, and please do keep us posted on how it goes. Fingers crossed for a GOOD outcome! :)

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

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