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Author Topic: What I Did For Love  (Read 4456 times)

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Offline bear60

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What I Did For Love
« on: June 09, 2007, 07:39:55 PM »
This was the question posed to someone being interviewed in our local GAY paper which just came out Friday.
"What was the stupidist thing you ever did for love?"
Well, just happens that we are good friends and that his former partner and mine died only a year apart.
His response to the question was:  " After ( my partner) tested positive and I tested negative, I continued to have unprotected sex with him because I did not want him to feel diseased or unwanted."

I think I am at a loss for words.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2007, 07:43:10 PM by bear60 »
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Offline Seven

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2007, 07:46:50 PM »
Wow, I am speachless too! :-\

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2007, 07:49:44 PM »
At the risk of sounding contrary, Matty the Damned doesn't necessarily think this is all that stupid.

Online Dachshund

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2007, 07:53:04 PM »
I don't find it that odd.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2007, 08:21:06 PM »
Depends on the context.  I don't find it "odd" that someone would make that choice knowingly after discussing it with their infected partner, but I do find it "odd" that seemingly he didn't WANT to do it but still did. 
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Robert

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2007, 08:43:13 PM »
I find it odd that he had unprotected sex with his partner only because he didn't want him to feel "diseased or unwanted"  What a strange reason to make love.    I thought if you had a partner sex was the natural expression of the love between the two of you.   Nothing natural about what this guy did.  I guess he really didn't love the guy, so why even bother?  So yeah, what he did was stupid, but only because he did it for all the wrong reasons. 

robert
..........

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2007, 01:06:54 AM »
I find it odd that he had unprotected sex with his partner only because he didn't want him to feel "diseased or unwanted"  What a strange reason to make love.    I thought if you had a partner sex was the natural expression of the love between the two of you.   Nothing natural about what this guy did.  I guess he really didn't love the guy, so why even bother?  So yeah, what he did was stupid, but only because he did it for all the wrong reasons. 

The word "only" in your first sentence threw me off, i.e., I had to re-read your post like 3 times. I get it now! It meaning=your post, not it meaning=the guy's mindset

Offline Bucko

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2007, 02:58:31 AM »
True love, that is true romantic love, is a leap off the cliff. Pacing the precipice doesn't count, and beating a hasty, careful retreat to basecamp is defeat.

I guess I'm saying that I've done nothing less for love myself, and dealt with the aftermath with whatever grace I could muster. Each of us pays a price to feel romantic love, as such strong sentiments seem to lead to an inevitable self-destruction.

Brent
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Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

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Offline englishgirl

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2007, 06:51:57 AM »
in a weird way i think this is the same as deciding to have someone's babies even if you didnt actually want kids but they did.

altho it could appear to be a very stupid and dangerous thing to have done, i dont think that he is the only person to have done this. it does sadden me though that people could almost 'choose' to put themselves at risk, but maybe that comes down to the whole 'it wont happen to me' thing. im pretty sure i know at least one negative person who is still having unprotected sex with their positive partner, and altho it makes me angry it really is none of my business as they are making a conscious decision.

my feeling really is as philly has already said:
I don't find it "odd" that someone would make that choice knowingly after discussing it with their infected partner, but I do find it "odd" that seemingly he didn't WANT to do it but still did. 

just out of interest do we know if the person in question is positive or negative now?
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Offline bocker3

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2007, 07:47:04 AM »
It all sounds very Romeo and Juliet to me.  Personally, I never liked that one!

While I would take a bullet to try and save my partner -- I can't imagine a scenario where I would kill myself for him.
Not to mention -- as the poz one in a poz/neg couple -- I would NEVER have unprotected sex with him -- even if he begged.

Just my 2 cents.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
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Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2007, 08:33:35 AM »
I think "love" should have a warning label. If I had a dime for everyone I've seen who sliced their wrist or overdosed in the name of love... I think risking infection with a potentially lethal disease so someone doesn't get their feelings hurt falls into that category.

Online Dachshund

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2007, 09:02:40 AM »
The willingness to die for your true love has always been romanticized...the ultimate proof of your love. Hero status granted to those not fortunate enough to prove themselves on the battlefield. I know that the few times that I have been madly in love I would have done the same thing...who knows...maybe I did.

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2007, 09:32:49 AM »
To a degree, I can understand why someone might not be so afraid to end up positive like their partner. But from what I can gather, the guy that bear speaks of here made his choice out of pity for his partner, not love. But I'm just going off the tiny anecdotal snippet here.

As for it being a 'romantic' thing to do. Seriously. For the main part, people's ideas of love and romance are completely off the mark. Most people are clueless when it comes to the reality of what love actually is.

The bottom line is most humans thrive off whining about stuff, including love. And most folk wouldn't recognise or know what to do with a truly healthy loving relationship if it was handed to them on a plate. Most people are so used to 'having it bad' or 'mediocre' that they really believe that that's as good as it gets. Clueless, I'm telling you.

Incidently, Romeo and Juliet? Admired the modern remake, for the effects and novelty impact. But the basis of the story and that ending? What a crock of shit. Just my humble little opinion, for what its worth.

Melia
(who realises she inadvertently mentioned at least 3 chick flick titles in her post) 
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Offline RapidRod

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2007, 09:44:32 AM »
If I was in a relationship with a negative and they said that, they would be sitting on the couch next to Paris. That's not love to me.

Online leatherman

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2007, 10:17:25 AM »
Omigoodness! I find this behavior appalling rather than odd.

I lost my partner to AIDS over 13 yrs. That was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone!

It took me nearly 10 yrs after that loss to realize that I myself still had some sort of future (thanks to the horrible meds). My best friend patiently stayed with me and waited on me all those years before I got to a place where I could commit to a relationship with him.

We take plenty of precautions so that he does not become infected. I try to stay very compliant to the meds now too. My greatest fear is that one day he will have to go thru what I did when I lost my first partner; but that's the risk he has agreed to. The risk that neither of us is willing to take is that he would become infected and I would lose another partner to this disease. (I don't think I could continue if that ever happened!)

No, I just can't understand taking the risk of infecting someone that I love with a terminal disease, and allowing yourself to knowingly be exposed, well, that's just self-destructive. :(

mikie
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Online Dachshund

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #15 on: June 10, 2007, 11:04:55 AM »
Society applies mythic standards to human behavior and then seem shocked when people act that way.

Offline bear60

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #16 on: June 10, 2007, 12:05:24 PM »
Well, I've had 24 hours to think about this and:
1.  I was angry that he said it was STUPID.
2.  I was apalled he answered the question with that example.
3.  I was amazed that he didnt have the guts to do what he felt was best for himself....that he felt obligated to have unprotected sex.
4.  It brought back fond menmories of some good deep tongue sessions with said HIV poz guy....who was hot as heck!!
5.  And I am still at a loss for words.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline DanielMark

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #17 on: June 12, 2007, 04:45:33 AM »
What was the stupidist thing you ever did for love?

"After ( my partner) tested positive and I tested negative, I continued to have unprotected sex with him because I did not want him to feel diseased or unwanted."


Yup, that would get my vote!
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Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #18 on: June 12, 2007, 04:57:26 AM »
Society applies mythic standards to human behavior and then seem shocked when people act that way.

Indeed.
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(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

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Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline Angel-Ronnie

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #19 on: June 12, 2007, 05:11:59 AM »
Each one to his own right in life but this is really senseless to do. I am in a relationship with a negative guy and from the word go we have been taking precaution so he does not get infected. If you truely love another you will take their safety as 1st priority to ensure he does not have to deal with hiv as well. I do sometimes think that what will I do if I have to be the one infecting him with hiv I would not be able to live with myself knowing I am the one that gave it to him. Love = safety = lots of fun and happiness
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #20 on: June 12, 2007, 05:35:38 AM »
Love = safety = lots of fun and happiness

Exactly.
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline bearby

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  • April 2007
Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #21 on: June 14, 2007, 02:49:21 PM »
Since I have had the same man at my side ( he was even the one that held my hand when my poz diagnosis came to me which in most cases wouldn't have happened to most couples )  for 21 years now and we have seen each other thru many medical maladies ( me being poz and him with his quadruple heart by-pass surgery ) .
 Yet neither of us has ever faultered in our love of the other and we have even discussed at lenght bringing another person into the equation beacuse of all the offers one or the other has had but none of it ever came to fruition (TG) .
 Now we do on occasion preform oral on each other but swallowing isn't an option that I would ever allow him to exercise ( he can't get hard as often as he used to when we first became a couple beacuse of his sge and the slew of meds that he like myse;f takes son a daily basis just to live ).
 But we each have our own boys that we play with on occasion but even that is done safely beacuse I lost my first partner ( of only three months ) to a suicide ( he was going thru a bitter divorce ) then I have had the one other partner who was supposed to have died many years ago dug to aids ( but that was alll heresay to me beacuse it of course came off the grape vine and that so called ltr omly lasted 3 months when I found out that he was still married and had 3 children and when I met his "ex" wife and saw the children I couldn't handle dealing with the situation all over again and left him high and dry .
 Now as I said I am now on my third and last  man beacuse we have already made our wills with each other as beneficary and executor and when all that mess came down about Terry Schivo  we even went as far as to locate an old friend who e-mailed me what we had discussed at our 18th anniversary night dinner ) created our durable medical power's of attorney to keep any one from either side of the family  from having any thing what so ever to say should either os us become ill or incapicated .
Have you preformed your random act of kindness today ?

Offline SouthSam7

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #22 on: June 14, 2007, 10:09:34 PM »
I think many of us (myself included) wouldn't be in this family if we didn't take a chance knowing the outcome.  For me, I think I was a stupid because I was high when I took a risk and it wasn't love that made me take the risk. 

I can't change the past but one good thing (among many) that came from me having hiv is that I don't use meth anymore.  It's got to be the worst drug out there.  I know many of my friends who never were able to shake it, some of them dead now.

Sam

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #23 on: June 16, 2007, 11:47:44 PM »
wow,  that is love and stupidity.  not a smart move but i can understand the reason.
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Offline dtwpuck

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #24 on: June 18, 2007, 09:33:00 PM »
At the risk of sounding contrary, Matty the Damned doesn't necessarily think this is all that stupid.

There's a first time for everything and i actually agree with Matty.   Love doesn't fall into a nice neat little package of what's right or wrong.  Each of us decides what is an appropriate expression of love and where the line should not be crossed.  I personally will never want to face the fact that I infected someone I love.  I've been there and my own personal self interest keeps me from ever crossing that particular line.  However, who am I to say what is right or wrong for another?    I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't realize that I need more than just not feeling like a pariah, but what works for me will not necessarily work for others.  I just don't think this is so very black and white. 
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline carousel

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #25 on: June 19, 2007, 07:16:50 AM »
It doesn't sound that stupid to me.

This person was in a relationship where they were already having unprotected sex.  They could have been already infected.  I can see that it could be difficult to renegotiate the way they have sex.

I was in a relationship where my partner found out he was HIV after being with him with six months.  We continued to not to use protection.  I managed to stay negative somehow during the whole of the relationship.

Don't quite understand the Romeo and Juliet analogy though.

Offline kellyspoppi

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #26 on: June 30, 2007, 10:04:52 AM »
late last night i posted on a different thread what i went through the night my fiance passed away, which i will spare this thread the graphics.

for those of us who are left behind with hiv/aids, and still wish to fall in love, the process is extremely painful.

first we must deal with our grief and the overwhelming void left in our heart and soul when we lose our partner. that is a difficult ordeal in its' own right.

as time passes we begin to wish to fill that void. we try dating thinking we are still the same folks we were before we were infected. as those relationships have been eluded to by others who have posted here, invariably there are those of us who come to the realization that putting others at risk is not an option we wish to continue to explore.

i came to that realization while sitting in a waiting room while my negative partner was in getting her results. the sheer panic i felt that very moment was nothing i ever wanted to go through again. we parted ways once she told me she tested negative. harsh exit, but for me, it was the end to thinking i was the same person i was when i was negative.

a few years later i met my current wife in an hiv support group. this was 1992. when we made love for the first time it was like i was a human being again. believe me, if reinfection was an issue back then, i still think it wouldn't have mattered. just knowing spontanaity was back in the picture was so euphoric!

some of my negative friends, who went through the worst of my grieving process after my fiance passed away, would ask me how i could chance going through something that tramatic again. i would say then as i say to you now..... I DID IT FOR LOVE!

life is about relationships, the experiences we go through with each and every one of them, the give and the take, the pain and the elation, learning from your mistakes, the bonding through communication, and the feeling of euphoria when it all comes together.

if i spent the rest of my life avoiding having to go through that trama again, my life would be filled with emptiness, and not worth living.

so as tom cruise said so emphatically in risky business, "sometimes you just got to say what the fuck, take a chance"......and so i have, and i'm a better man for it!

kellyspoppi

Offline Iggy

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #27 on: June 30, 2007, 11:07:15 AM »
First -I question the whole veracity of what Bear quotes because I have known people who have written for gay rags and specifically someone who did a kind of "ask the man on the street" column and many times there is a lot of literary licensing going on.  The wording of the answer seems a little too incredulous/contrived to be stated outside of a one on one conversation with a friend.  Modified - I've been alerted by Bear that this was more of a longer interview and that the quote is accurate and true

Anyway - if taken at face value - yeah I would say it is a stupid thing - not because wanting to share your partner's fate and remove any barriers between the two of you (including status) but because the perception of how the partner with HIV feels and what contracting the virus will do to lessen those feelings.

To clarify, I don't find fault in wanting to sacrifice ones health for their partner but I do when it is based off misguided beliefs of what that means.  That's when it seems like a decision made out of the passion of the relationship vs. the commitment to it.




« Last Edit: June 30, 2007, 01:38:58 PM by Iggy »

Offline PJC0510

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Re: What I Did For Love
« Reply #28 on: July 03, 2007, 03:02:14 PM »
Should I have been the positive lover, I would have demanded he wear protection. 
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

 


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