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Author Topic: Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word  (Read 4973 times)

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Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word
« on: May 27, 2007, 11:16:30 AM »
From the year of my diagnosis in 1988 until 2002, I lived out the rollercoaster of emotions that many here know I’m sure, for fourteen years. I saw friends and ex partners die. I mourned their passing but all the time I suppressed the reality that I too would one day be leaving. BUT I had yet to mourn the news of my diagnosis. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel that vulnerable.

Overall I “felt” fine, and so I wouldn’t give in to my doctor suggesting I should be on meds. I knew my death wasn’t looming, but every little illness or bout with Shingles was another reminder which brought what I tried to bury close o the surface again, but not into the light of day.

Then in 1995, a singer songwriter I admire wrote a song that was featured on several episodes of the daytime drama General Hospital, in a story line about the character Stone dying of AIDS related illness. Hearing that song broke down my self-imposed barriers and I wept for my self for the first time since my diagnosis seven years earlier. It was the most therapeutic thing to happen in all that time, more than talking about, more than writing about it. That one song had the power to break through the walls of the emotional fortress I had built around my life. It hurt, but it was also important..

The songwriter was Janis Ian, and the song was When Angels Cry.

I guess we all eventually have that moment of truth, when we are willing to turn around and face what is, and mourn our losses. This was that moment for me.

Daniel

One of the November 1995 segments from General Hospital http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMMkIgOjTOU

When Angels Cry
(Janis Ian)

Wait
Your tired arms must rest
Let this moment pass
Wait until the morning
Close your eyes and let me see
who you used to be
left without a warning
Who knew one so big could grow so small
Lighter than the writing on the wall

When angels cry, can I stand by
When stones weep, can my heart sleep
Wish I'd never heard, wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
the power of a four-letter word

'Cause only love will matter in the end
for woman or for man
What's the difference now
Here we live with bottles and needles and truth
Here is your living proof
that death cannot be proud
Some say it's a judgement on us all
I can't believe that God would be that small

When angels cry, can I stand by
When stones weep, can my heart sleep
Wish I'd never heard, wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
the power of a four-letter word

If ever was a soul that longed to fly
If ever was a heart that longed to bloom
If ever was an angel it was you
So close your eyes and say goodbye
Goodbye

When angels cry, I can't stand by
When stones weep, my heart can't sleep
I Guess I finally learned
Guess I finally learned
Yes, I finally learned
Love is just a four-letter word
Hope is just a four-letter word
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline water duck

  • Member
  • Posts: 397
Re: Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2007, 01:28:00 PM »
Oh how true, thank you Daniel for sharing !!

Wd

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,945
Re: Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word
« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2007, 02:16:47 PM »
Wow, what a powerful song.  Thanks Daniel.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2007, 04:04:03 PM »
You know, even after 12 years that song can still choke me up, but that's good! It tells me I'm still able to feel deeply despite my fears and that I haven't turned into a hard hearted person unable to face and survive my reality with open eyes (or what may lie ahead if that makes any sense). So in many ways, I'm glad it still does.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,162
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2007, 08:37:45 PM »
Hello Daniel,


It has been a long time, since I heard that song. Certainly triggers the emotions.



Thanks for sharing---------Ray

Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2007, 12:53:12 PM »
Yes Ray, it is certainly a deeply moving song. It certainly shifted me out of my state of hovering on the edges of my new reality and brought me into the light of day. And here we are. Life is still happening, tho some days I'd swear it’s trying to off me.  ;)

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline tigger2376

  • Member
  • Posts: 462
  • too bad to die youngish!
Re: Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2007, 07:37:59 PM »
That song just flays me...but daniel, life may be trying to 'off' you but we won't let it! Anyone who reminds me of something that integral to my 'coming of age' with this illness isn't allowed to be offed!!! ;D
hope that makes sense, strange how we get comfort from these things....just goes to show, doesn't have to be specific to be relevant xxx
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2007, 05:57:29 AM »
Tigger,

Sometimes there is strength to be found in surrender.

Part of how I keep going forward despite the challenges or setbacks is to try and keep my inner life active. Songs (or anything) that can help me stretch my thinking and emotional boundaries just a bit further I consider good for my well being. Where some may hear just another song, I might feel it more deeply, and such is the case with “When Angels Cry.”

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

 


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