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Wish I'd never heard the power of a four-letter word

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DanielMark:
From the year of my diagnosis in 1988 until 2002, I lived out the rollercoaster of emotions that many here know I’m sure, for fourteen years. I saw friends and ex partners die. I mourned their passing but all the time I suppressed the reality that I too would one day be leaving. BUT I had yet to mourn the news of my diagnosis. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel that vulnerable.

Overall I “felt” fine, and so I wouldn’t give in to my doctor suggesting I should be on meds. I knew my death wasn’t looming, but every little illness or bout with Shingles was another reminder which brought what I tried to bury close o the surface again, but not into the light of day.

Then in 1995, a singer songwriter I admire wrote a song that was featured on several episodes of the daytime drama General Hospital, in a story line about the character Stone dying of AIDS related illness. Hearing that song broke down my self-imposed barriers and I wept for my self for the first time since my diagnosis seven years earlier. It was the most therapeutic thing to happen in all that time, more than talking about, more than writing about it. That one song had the power to break through the walls of the emotional fortress I had built around my life. It hurt, but it was also important..

The songwriter was Janis Ian, and the song was When Angels Cry.

I guess we all eventually have that moment of truth, when we are willing to turn around and face what is, and mourn our losses. This was that moment for me.

Daniel

One of the November 1995 segments from General Hospital http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMMkIgOjTOU

When Angels Cry
(Janis Ian)

Wait
Your tired arms must rest
Let this moment pass
Wait until the morning
Close your eyes and let me see
who you used to be
left without a warning
Who knew one so big could grow so small
Lighter than the writing on the wall

When angels cry, can I stand by
When stones weep, can my heart sleep
Wish I'd never heard, wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
the power of a four-letter word

'Cause only love will matter in the end
for woman or for man
What's the difference now
Here we live with bottles and needles and truth
Here is your living proof
that death cannot be proud
Some say it's a judgement on us all
I can't believe that God would be that small

When angels cry, can I stand by
When stones weep, can my heart sleep
Wish I'd never heard, wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
the power of a four-letter word

If ever was a soul that longed to fly
If ever was a heart that longed to bloom
If ever was an angel it was you
So close your eyes and say goodbye
Goodbye

When angels cry, I can't stand by
When stones weep, my heart can't sleep
I Guess I finally learned
Guess I finally learned
Yes, I finally learned
Love is just a four-letter word
Hope is just a four-letter word

water duck:
Oh how true, thank you Daniel for sharing !!

Wd

BT65:
Wow, what a powerful song.  Thanks Daniel.

DanielMark:
You know, even after 12 years that song can still choke me up, but that's good! It tells me I'm still able to feel deeply despite my fears and that I haven't turned into a hard hearted person unable to face and survive my reality with open eyes (or what may lie ahead if that makes any sense). So in many ways, I'm glad it still does.

Daniel

J.R.E.:
Hello Daniel,


It has been a long time, since I heard that song. Certainly triggers the emotions.



Thanks for sharing---------Ray

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