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Author Topic: Yet another anniversary  (Read 958 times)

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Offline carousel

  • Member
  • Posts: 821
Yet another anniversary
« on: May 29, 2007, 06:29:23 AM »
Yet another May Anniversary.  Yesterday was my muted celebration of three years of being diagnosed.

I found out on the Friday before Bank Holiday at a one hour testing clinic in Victoria.  I remember the staff member asking me after the result, "Are You OK?" as I was ushered out of the door, crying my eyes out.  No I wasn't alright, you silly bitch.  My life was over.

I walked down to the River at Westminster, wanting to talk to somebody, but too scared to call any of my friends.  I just sat on a park bench for about an hour.  I was meant to be going to the cinema with a friend, who I knew I could have infected.  How was I going explain that one.  I went to see the film, just looking blankly at the screen.  It was "The Day After Tomorrow".  I remember just thinking, kill the bastards and get the bloody film over.  Not a movie I'll ever watch again.

It's been a bit of a rollercoaster these three years, depression, fear, thinking that I was damaged goods, turning into Miss Frigidity of South London three years in a row, shouting at friends that I was going to die, weeping and a wailing, heavy drinking etc, etc.  The usual.

But after three years, the dust has settled more or less.  I still have difficult days, but I am no longer petrified of what's in store.  It's part of me and my life.  It is no longer the only thing I think about from the moment I get up.  I was so worried that I was losing my own sense of self, that the person I thought I am, was slowly ebbing away.  I was never going to be happy again, that I was going to be that miserable cow that I was looking back at me in the bathroom mirror.

I do feel more optimistic for the future now.  There are lots of things that I want to do and change, but if I procrastinate, I don't beat myself up about it, well at least try not to.

I was reading a letter my best friend sent to me when I told him.  The gist of it was that everything was going to be OK and that he would always be there for me.  When I first read it, I didn't believe it.  I'm so glad that I was proved wrong.   

I went to dinner with friends yesterday, I didn't tell anyone that it was my anniversary, it was a private thing. I do want to mark it though, because it was important to me. I just wanted to share it with some people who I think will understand.

Best wishes, C x

Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: Yet another anniversary
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2007, 07:04:22 AM »
Happy anni C.  I'm glad things are better for you and hopefully today's oh-so-brief/peekaboo London sunshine will continue to warm Miss Frigidity's heart.

Cliff

Offline chemistry001

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  • Posts: 142
    • http://www.mygaydar.com/chemistry001
Re: Yet another anniversary
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2007, 07:12:47 AM »
I want to say congratulations, it sounds like its been a rollercoaster for you and but now you write like someone who is over the worst and able to look forward with a positive attitude.
I just want to say thank you on a personal level because you were able to give me advice when i was 1st diagnosed back in August 2006, and that advice came form someone who was in a good place emotionally.

When you remember your anniversary i would like you to think of the difference you have made to others in that time, as I'm sure I'm not the only person you have helped.

All the best for the future, congratulations and thank you again

Paul xXx
Diagnosed 01/08/06
CD4-9, VL->500,000, CD4% 1
Started on Sustiva/combivir 22/08/06 changed to kivexa 18/09/06
02/10/06
CD4-50, VL-1496, CD4% 5
04/12/06
CD4-112, VL-125, CD4% 7.5
22/02/07
CD4-121, VL-<50, CD4% 9
29/05/07
CD4-125, VL-71,(re-done 149), CD4% 11
25/09/07
CD4 -231, VL-74, CD4% 15
Cant remember the next few dates
17/01/08  Kaletra and Truvada
CD4 - 281, VL-115
06/03/08
CD4 - 287, VL-178

Offline penguin

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  • Posts: 747
  • The Penguin Whisperer
Re: Yet another anniversary
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2007, 04:38:03 AM »
bit late, but ... happy anniversary mr C  - I wish you many, many more :)

kate

 


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