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Author Topic: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.  (Read 12594 times)

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Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #50 on: June 29, 2006, 03:46:43 PM »
Matt,

I didn't comment but I have kept up with this thread, as I was hoping for a happy outcome.  Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be I guess.  Your response has saddened me (not too many threads water my eyes). 

Yes I do understand why you have chosen this path.  But I'm so sorry things are this way.  They don't have to be.  But they are.

Matt, keep your head up.  Things can and will get better.  You're not a criminal and you're not second rate.  Not by a long shot.

Chin up Mister!

- Cliff

 :'(

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #51 on: June 29, 2006, 04:12:08 PM »
" Maybe when I've knowingly lived with this fcuked up virus for 10 years instead of 10 months I might change my point of view, when I become bitter and jaded and just don't give a flying fcuk about people. ".......quote.
................................................................................................
Matt....Huh? I dont know about anyone else but this sounds very much like you are just plain old angry.  ITS OK TO BE ANGRY. We all are are or were.  In my case...was. Basically, HIV does not change who we are...it just makes what is already difficult...more difficult.  I hope you find some peace with this virus and that you come to terms with who you are...a gay guy with HIV.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline cubbybear

  • Member
  • Posts: 510
  • Joined August 2005.
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #52 on: June 29, 2006, 06:47:54 PM »
Thanks everyone for your support and understanding, and yes bear60, I was angry, *was*. 

I accept that I have HIV, there's no changing that, but what I don't accept is HIV having any more of an impact on my life than it already has.  It put me in hospital, it put my career on hold for a brief time, and I can't help but feel it put a strain on my last relationship which caused things to end. 

It doesn't have to have that impact, and I don't have to be a gay gay with HIV, I can be who I've always been, just a gay guy, or more specifically, just Matt, that's all I want to be.  So that's who I intend to be, just me sans HIV, sept for those 30 seconds once a day when I unscrew my med bottles and down two pills.

As far as I am concerned, I contain the virus within me, no one can see it, no one can look and say, hey look there goes a gay guy with HIV, and certainly no one will be infected by me, that's something I can control.  So as far as I'm concerned, all people see is me, and that's all I want them to see. 

HIV doesnt make me who I am, I make me who I am, and I'm happy with that.  That's my epiphany for today anyway.  I'm listening to Christina Aguilera - Beautiful, she's giving me a feel good moment, her oral is amazing and she's put a smile on my dial.

I love you guys, thanks for listening and thanks for reading.. and most importantly thanks for connecting with me.

xx
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #53 on: June 29, 2006, 06:58:40 PM »
Matt,

If you like Miss Aguilera's beautiful, then take a listen to the last track on that album. 

Quote
...I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There's no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering all of the hell I felt when I was running out of faith
Every step I vowed to take was towards a better day

Cos I'm about to Say goodbye to every single lie
& All the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I could try
All the negativity I had inside...

I've made the decision
Never to give up
Til the I day I die no matter what

I'm gonna carry on & keep on singing my song.....
How HIV defines each of us is our choice.  Keep signing your song, Matt.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2006, 07:01:54 PM by Cliff »

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,625
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #54 on: June 29, 2006, 07:26:09 PM »
Oh Matt, I was hoping for a different outcome.   Ten days, ten months, ten years -- it doesn't ever get any easier to deal with this, it just becomes more familiar.   Don't beat yourself up about this, disclosure is a BIG BIG deal, at least it is for me. 

It disturbs me that you feel you need to build up barriers, but at the same time, I completely understand why you feel this way.  I wish I could make this easier for you, my sweet cub.

 :'(  :'(  :'(

love,
Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline cubbybear

  • Member
  • Posts: 510
  • Joined August 2005.
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #55 on: June 29, 2006, 07:48:47 PM »
Cliff, that song rocks, thanks for posting that.. you know i've never paid attention to that song before, I don't know why!!

Alan, it's okay babe, I'm settling down and will no doubt return to my vulnerable cubby heart on his sleeve self soon.  Just need to lick a few more wounds..

xx
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Christine

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,069
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #56 on: July 03, 2006, 01:10:05 PM »
Hi Matt,
Big hugs to you. Disclosure is so hard. You are a good and decent man, and when the time is right for you, love will come your way.
Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline gaz41

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #57 on: July 03, 2006, 01:26:35 PM »
Hi Matt,

Iīve joined this discussion a bit late i know.. ok I met my boyfriend (still donīt like that term) 9 months agoafter spending a night with him, (the first night we didnīt have sex) i knew i wanted to be with him there was something that clicked between us, problem iīm poz he isnīt ..my desicion was to tell him there and then if he couldnīt handle it then it was all over before it started and i really expected him to reject me but he didnīt and 9 months later i love him more than ever

its not easy ... i know ..think about it again , the poor gus i swondering what hes done wrong

all the best

Garry   

Offline bobik

  • Member
  • Posts: 315
    • My worksite
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #58 on: July 04, 2006, 06:42:09 PM »
Dear Matt,

I'm sorry that things went this way.
Please don't allow HIV to influence your life so much that you don't allow yourself to love someone you care for. That is too big a victory for HIV.

I wish I could hug you, you're so damn far away! You've become so dear to me.

Love,

Coen
Coen Honig at Facebook

Offline cubbybear

  • Member
  • Posts: 510
  • Joined August 2005.
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #59 on: July 05, 2006, 01:37:37 AM »
Thanks guys, much appreciated really.  And Coen babe, don't worry, I bounce back pretty well. 

Big woofy hugs.
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

 


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