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Author Topic: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.  (Read 12930 times)

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Offline cubbybear

  • Member
  • Posts: 510
  • Joined August 2005.
Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« on: June 26, 2006, 04:38:16 AM »
Since finding out I was positive, 10 months ago I have disclosed to numerous people.  Firstly to my ex-ex-partner of 13 years, then to my ex-partner of 4 years, then to a small handful of my closest and dearest friends, and finally my boss.  Doing that wasn't hard for me, not even telling my ex partner and partner at the time.  I don't regret having disclosed to any of them.

The problem is now.

I've recently met a guy who has just blown me away, and he's negative.  We've seen each other quite a bit recently, and things are going way too fast, but I can't stop it, I can't stop what he feels or what I am feeling for him right now.  We've not had sex, just a few major pash-fests and done some on top of the clothes foolin around, all innocent and totally no risk to him.  Usually by now me, him or both would be well and truly deflowered going by my previous track record.  I really, really like this guy and we both want to see where it goes, but I'm tearing myself up inside because I just can't bring myself to disclose my status to him.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I have never in my life been rejected by any guys I have approached, whether I was drunk or sober!  And usually I am the one who has been doing the rejecting.  I am so scared if I disclose to this guy, he's totally going to run, and when he does he'll be ripping my heart out at the same time.  I wish I was a stronger guy, I sure as hell used to be when I'd quite remorselessly tear out a pumping heart complete with dangling aorta from some loser's chest when he got attached to me.. now that loser is me.

I don't know what to do with this guy.  I want to be evil, I want to lie to him, by omission and not let him know my status.  I would never ever put him at risk, or do anything with him that could infect him, I wouldnt live with myself if I did.  But at the same time, I hate lying, I don't lie and I abhor it, but I find myself entertaining this notion for my own selfish reasons, because I can not face being rejected by this guy who I seem to have fallen for, hook, line and sinker. 

I feel like running away, and never seeing him again, I feel like staying with him for how ever long I'm supposed to be on this planet, and he seems to feel the same way.  I just don't know what to do, and it's killing me inside.  I don't think I'm strong enough to disclose to him, why is it so damned hard this time? 

I hate myself for getting this virus, I just hate myself and I want to be happy.  I need to go, tears are streaming down my face.

I love you guys.
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2006, 05:07:12 AM »


I don't know what to do with this guy.  I want to be evil, I want to lie to him, by omission and not let him know my status.  I would never ever put him at risk, or do anything with him that could infect him, I wouldnt live with myself if I did.  But at the same time, I hate lying, I don't lie and I abhor it, but I find myself entertaining this notion for my own selfish reasons, because I can not face being rejected by this guy who I seem to have fallen for, hook, line and sinker. 

I feel like running away, and never seeing him again, I feel like staying with him for how ever long I'm supposed to be on this planet, and he seems to feel the same way.  I just don't know what to do, and it's killing me inside.  I don't think I'm strong enough to disclose to him, why is it so damned hard this time? 

I hate myself for getting this virus, I just hate myself and I want to be happy.  I need to go, tears are streaming down my face.


I love you guys.
Matt

Hi Matt,

Well, I guess there was a reason why I couldn't sleep past 1:30 this morning.  My friend Matt was in trouble.

Listen up Matt, I met my sweetie and llooking back on that first week we knew together, one of the first things that we talked about was HIV.  It was all around us, it was changing everyone's lives at the time and when we met, he was taking care of his horse trainer who was dying from very advanced AIDS.  I never once even gave a second thought to what he might think about my status, and at the same time, yes I did, down deep inside. 

I think you should STOP placing any expectations on this man and do what you know you must do.  To enter into an "agreement", "relationship", or any other situation where honesty is the base foundation for the future sucess of that relationship; then it is only prudent that this relationship, friendship, or whatever you want to call this, is done with full disclosure, and honesty.  I know you know how to "teach" someone about HIV/AIDS, without sending them screaming into the Outback, and so somewhere, down deep, you need to find the resolve to deal with this straight up and them move on.  Whether it be with this very nice man, or by yourself, just keep on moving forward. 

Now you know I could also go into your penchant for breaking hearts.  Hmmmm.  Please let this be a time in your past, and not the present, because now that you are living with HIV, the heart you break could be your own.  That would be a total waste of time.  What would that accomplish in your life?

Matt, you know what you have to do, so my suggestion is try to do it in such a way that he doesn't go screaming into the mist.  Besides, if he is half the man you say he is; he will then obviously not give a damn about one minor detail like a bug that you can both deal with. 

Remember my sweetie is still negative, and we have been together for,...... let's see.....  18 years now.  Not bad for two that started RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE TODAY, back in January 1988.

You will do the right thing, won't you My Dear Teddy BEar.  ;D

In Love and Total Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline sweetasmeli

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,052
  • Love what you are...
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2006, 05:34:21 AM »
Dammit Tim, you beat me to it…you must type faster than me!

Dear Cubbybear (I love that name!)
Firstly thank you for your message to me on my get well thread :)

I'm sorry to hear about your dimemma but I had to respond to this thread in the only way I know how:

You have to tell him or walk away. Deceiving him is not an option - well it is not an option that will leave you with a clear conscience anyway - not if you are hoping for any kind of future with this guy. But I don't think you need to be told that, you already know. I'm sure some people will disagree with me and tell you to take your time etc but I believe that the longer you leave it the longer you are misleading him and the harder it will get to share the truth with him and the crapper you will feel.

You are not a mass murderer or a paedophile (I'm assuming and hoping!). You are just someone who is living with a chronic disease that unfortunately can be passed on if precautions are not taken.

After being outed last year, I took the decision to be open about my status if asked and not give a shit about negative reactions, which extinguished most of the fears I had about being 'exposed'. That's not to say I don't still feel totally crap about being in this shitty situation and hate it as much as you sound like you do! However, in some ways I think you are actually braver than me. Although I am prepared to be open about my status in general, I'm purposely avoiding the dilemma you are now in by not putting myself in a situation where I may actually meet anyone! So I guess we all have our dilemmas/demons to face...

I know you know deep down what you have to do. If you didn't you wouldn't be in such anguish over this. You both have the right to go into this with your eyes wide open so you can both make informed decisions. Once he has been told, well, he has been told and he can decide what he wants to do which he has every right to do.
The way I look at it, it will go one of 2 ways: he will walk or he will stay. Either way you will know him better, which can only be a good thing.

Kind thoughts

Melia :)

/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline Optimistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 326
  • An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctors Away!
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2006, 06:02:56 AM »
Hi Matt,

Sorry I don't have much advice for you....but I too feel the same at times...and I know in the end disclosing is probably the best route to take.  The most difficult part is bringing the subject up. Just from reading your posts on this site, you have a beautiful heart and soul.....you deserve happiness.   I wish you the best and hope that everything will work out for you.   

Justin
12/06 (Atripla): cd4 - 260; cd% - 33%; vl - 169
1/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 267; cd% - 38.1%; vl - 132
4/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 373; cd% - 33.9%; vl - <50
7/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 287; cd% - 35.8%; vl - <50
9/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 356; cd% - 39.5%; vl - <50
12/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 517

Offline Nadine

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  • Posts: 1,253
  • Member since: August 2005
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2006, 06:12:34 AM »
Matt...I can't add anything to the great advice you've already gotten.  Please don't hate yourself, everything will work out the way it is meant to.

Take good care of yourself Matt

Offline anniebc

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  • Posts: 5,942
  • AM member since 2003
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2006, 06:43:52 AM »
Dearest Matt

I have to agree with Melia, you need to find a way of telling him, I know there is no easy way of starting a conversation like that but you have to try.

By your own admission your hate lying, so don't lie, if you love him as you say you do, and it sounds like he feels the same way, then you need to get this relationship off to a good start..by being honest.

He may accept it he may not, but you won't know until you talk to him...give him a chance, he has a right to know if you both want to make a life together...if he does walk away then hopefully it may just be because he needs time to emotionally get his head around things, and needs the distance to deal with the information.

Talk to him Matt, don't leave it until it's too late...you are a decent and honest man don't let this change that.

Sending you love and hugs from NZ

Jan :'(
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2006, 07:16:25 AM »
The truth will set you free
Positive since 1985

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,213
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2006, 08:06:35 AM »
Hello Matt,

 Deep down inside, I know, that you know, what you must do. Openess and honesty, right from the start, is how I would approach it, if I was in your situation. He will either run, or be supportive, but at the same time, may not want to persue the relationship any further. And I know that it will tear at your heart.

Don't beat up on yourself, or belittle yourself. I believe that you are a special person, and maybe this guy will see that, beyond HIV.

Everyone, so far has given you excellant advice. Imagine it the other way around. What would you do?
Whatever your decision, know that you have the support of everyone here, I am sure you will make the right choice.


The Best-----Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline doyourowndamndishes

  • Member
  • Posts: 85
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2006, 08:27:01 AM »
Hi Matt,

All I can do is echo what others have said so I'll just lend in a supportive ('''') HUG ('''').  I know disclosure is very hard to do at times.  Hell, there are people in my life that know, many don't, and some who should but I'm not ready to deal with the bs that WILL follow, namely speaking me folks.  I know it's a hell of a lot easier said than done but try not to have any expectations with your decision.  I know the fear of losing him is much greater than disclosure but if he does freak out do you really want that in a relationship?  He may but 99.99999999999999999999% perfect but if he can not accept you as is then there may be someone else out there willing to give you the UNCONDITIONAL love that you deserve.  Yes, unconditional not I love you but ....  We all come as a set package; we all have our baggage.  Some can handle the news (like my ex); some can't.  It's now your choice as to what kind of person you want to have in your life to share it with.

Cheers!

Alan
"All that we are is theresult of what we have thought." -Buddha

Offline TedEBearNC

  • Member
  • Posts: 263
  • ~Cuddly~
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #9 on: June 26, 2006, 08:31:01 AM »
I really can't add anything either so...

{{{{HUGS}}}}

From one bear to another,

Phil
Member since March 2004

Offline cubbybear

  • Member
  • Posts: 510
  • Joined August 2005.
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #10 on: June 26, 2006, 08:39:28 AM »
Thanks everyone for your help and support, I don't know what I would do without this place and everyone here.  I can't thank Peter enough for starting this place.

I will do the right thing by this other fellow, I'll be seeing him thursday and I'll tell him, even if I wanted to, I couldn't lie to him, and if he asked me outright, I would have given him a truthful answer.  Talking about it to him is not the hard part, I can start the conversation easily, it's just a potential rejection I won't handle very well, but it's his right to put his health interests first.  

I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't react badly if I was neg and he told me he was positive, but that's mostly because of my understanding of the virus and safer sex, and hopefully he will understand that too.  He's a microbiologist afterall, so hopefully his education has taught him something.  I know I'll be totally crushed if this goes badly, and I'll likely not be interested in putting myself in this position again.

I am right now missing my life when I was negative, when I didn't need to worry about what someone's reaction towards me would be because I told them I had a virus.  I remember the thread recently about "What would you give to be negative?" and I said I was happy being positive and that HIV made me the person I am today.  Well let me tell you I've totally changed my mind, and I'd give anything to be negative again.  I don't like being forced to tell people that I have a virus that I am quite able to keep to myself without infecting anyone.  This will be the first time I have had to tell a potential partner that I have HIV.  I cant do this to myself every time I meet someone I develop feelings for, it's really hurting me and I'm starting to feel like I'll never be happy because of this damn virus.  I'm wishing I'd never met him, but I'll learn from my mistakes.

love
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,882
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2006, 08:43:54 AM »
Hi Matt,

As scary as it is for you,  I get the feeling you know you have to disclose your status to this special guy. It's only a question of when.

If you agree with that then it's up to you to decide how soon. Your fear and anxiety are very understandable.

But it sounds like you think he's a pretty great guy. Give him credit for possibly being less hard on you than you are on yourself. There's no question about it, you're taking a chance but really, what's the choice? This is very tough stuff to deal with. When you do decide to talk with him about this, keep it simple and direct, in a time and a place where you guys have privacy. And let the chips fall where they may with both of you having whatever feelings come up and take it from there, Matt.

You know we're all rooting for you.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline kcmetroman

  • Member
  • Posts: 567
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #12 on: June 26, 2006, 09:11:57 AM »
Hi Matt,

First off, I think it is great that you have found this guy.  I can't think of anyone that deserves it more.  The sad part about all of this is that it is going to get harder and harder, more painful to tell him as time goes on.  He sounds like a terrific person.  Maybe you ought to give him the benefit of the doubt.

You are a wonderful person, that he can already see.  Who knows, he may even be holding back the same?

Good Luck

Offline Buckmark

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  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
    • Henry's Home Page
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2006, 09:29:55 AM »
It certainly sounds like you are going through much anguish over this situation.   I'm not sure I can provide any comforting words, or sage advice for you.  But I'll give it a try:

First, I think the anguish you are experiencing now may be an indicator that you need
to disclose to your new friend.  The sooner you do it, the sooner you'll get over it.  And you'll likely feel much better, whatever the outcome.  And I have a feeling the outcome will be
favorable.

Second, be thankful that you have met someone that you feel strongly about, and who
feels strongly about you.  For some of us, including myself, that's much more than we have
found or experienced.

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #14 on: June 26, 2006, 09:33:13 AM »
Hi Matt,

In a way, I know where you're coming from, in terms of fearing rejection for the first time.  The difference is that I have a partner.  We haven't played around with other guys much at all since finding out our poz status back in March... mainly from not wanting to be in the position that you find yourself in.  There are a lot of things in my life that I had strong feelings about that have changed since becoming HIV+.  I used to say that I couldn't date somebody that was HIV+.  Well, I do.  I always said I couldn't deal with being HIV+ or having any other terminal illness, as I've always been extremely healthy.  I do have a terminal illness and it's HIV.  I always wondered why so many people with HIV were on antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs.  I understand now; I take Prozac for anxiety.  HIV certainly makes one rethink a lot of things.  I think that this re-evaluation is what often makes one a better person.  Although it's going to be difficult, I don't see how it can be as bad when disclosing in the future.

You're facing one of the stages of acceptance of being HIV+.  It's one thing to accept being positive when you're the one thinking about it; it's another thing entirely when it's another person's acceptance.  You'll do the right thing and disclose.  Like others have said, you'll know this guy better after you talk to him about it.  The dread and fear of rejection often are much worse than the actual rejection itself... kind of like going to the dentist!  ;)  More importantly than knowing him better, you'll know yourself better.  You'll be a stronger person for it, too.  In a way, this is your first disclosure; this time acceptance is an issue.  Things will work out; they always do.  Take care.

David
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline ademas

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,151
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2006, 10:04:02 AM »
I'm glad you will be telling him.
(May I ask how you know that he's negative?  If the topic has come up, and you didn't chime in with an immediate, "I'm negative, too!", he might already have his suspicions.)
I sure hope it goes well, Matt.

Offline aztecan

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  • Posts: 5,399
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #16 on: June 26, 2006, 10:06:57 AM »
Hey Matt,
You've already heard it from the rest. The only thing I would add is the longer you put this off, the more you will worry and fret.

I often find the more I put things off, the more they feelings snowball inside me, sometimes making the anticipation of a reaction worse than the actual reaction.

Be good to yourself.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2006, 10:17:13 AM »
(May I ask how you know that he's negative?  If the topic has come up, and you didn't chime in with an immediate, "I'm negative, too!", he might already have his suspicions.)

ahhhhaaaaa!  :) and if so, he's still into cubbybear, which could mean suspicions intertwined with "neg OR poz, i really like this matt guy!"

wishing you the best, matt,

alex (who loves armchair psychology!!!!!)  :D  :D

Offline bobik

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #18 on: June 26, 2006, 11:18:02 AM »
Hey Matt,

if he would let you go he'd be stupid. Such a handsome man like you...... ;)

HUG

Coen
Coen Honig at Facebook

Offline Teresa

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #19 on: June 26, 2006, 11:47:52 AM »
Matt,

I dont have anything to add to what the others have said. Just know that im sending you good thoughts that this all turns out for the best for you! You hang in there hon..

Giving you big hugs
Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline AlanBama

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #20 on: June 26, 2006, 12:07:21 PM »
Dear Matt,

I feel your pain across the miles, dear boy.   You know what you have to do, and it's not going to get any easier.

We'll all be here for you, however it all 'goes down'.    I have a feeling that it's going to work out fine, just take that leap of faith.

Love you,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline JohnOso

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #21 on: June 26, 2006, 12:09:18 PM »
Keep your head up Osito. 

You know someone's got your back, mate.   ;)

bfh,
John

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #22 on: June 26, 2006, 12:21:02 PM »
Matt... I withheld telling my status to some people who truly care about me.  That was a mistake.  They felt left out.  No they were not my boyfriend as is yours.  As far as I can here in your voice is that you are in termoil about not disclosing.  The only way to adjust this is to tell him..  To educate him..  You will have to eventually... That's inevitable right ?  You are reading a book that has not been written yet.  Your experience in rejection has never been opened?  Also the chapter on acceptance has not been read yet.   Do yourself a favor, before you build more of those feelings is to tell him and then and only then will this get easier for you.  Sure you have a percentage chance on something happening that you may not like.  But I think, he would be appreciative of the fact your are not "keeping secrets" from him.  "Secrets Kill" so so many relationships.   You have so many opportunities... Trust me, its not about your good looks, your heart, your hiv status, its the hole package.  HIV is part of this package.  You might find showing him everything up front will save you these unnecessary feelings..  Don't run, face this, do this,  for both of you....  Say a prayer,  and let the universe or your god direct you.  You cant do this by yourself, it will tear you appart.   And be ready for any outcome.  Never put your hopes and your aspirations so high on the top shelf you cannot reach them.  Bring them down to a lower shelf so you can see them, so others can see them and see you for who you truly are....  I could have withheld my status to my husband and just let things roll and hide all of the things that I have to do to keep HIV in check.  Do you realize the work you are having to do right now in keeping this locked up inside you??  Yuck!!  Its not healthy, its not worth it.   Find the appropriate time and NOT JUST BEFORE SEX!!  Over coffee, a dinner or a movie.  Sit down and tell him how much you love him and tell him about you...

Love

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #23 on: June 26, 2006, 05:05:38 PM »
Papa Bear,

I think you should disclose to this fellow. Not so much for him, but for yourself. You're an honourable bear, a health care professional and a hot number. I don't think you'd be able to handle the guilt of having witheld such information from someone you want to be intimate with.

Don't fret about rejection. It may well not happen, but if it does, then it does. If he rejects you because of your status then he truly was not for you.

Love,

Baby Bear

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #24 on: June 26, 2006, 05:20:06 PM »


Matt,

  I cannot really add anything to whats already been said.  I know this is one difficult situation you are in.  I wish you the best and I really hope the end result is what your heart desires.  Goodluck!

Thomas
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Basquo

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #25 on: June 26, 2006, 05:20:14 PM »
and when you're done will you please take down that silly broken heart avatar and put your handsome face back up there?!!  grrrrr!

Offline TugaMan

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #26 on: June 26, 2006, 05:21:28 PM »
Hi Matt!

You HAVE to disclose... there's no other way. Think about practical stuff like: how will you hide your meds from him? What excuse will you give? Will you give up taking meds?
It will be much worse if he finds out later.
Maybe he will run away from you when he knows, maybe not... But if finds out later, it will be worse.


HUGZZZ

Offline angels4kelly

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #27 on: June 26, 2006, 05:39:01 PM »
Hi Matt,
I am a heterosexual female, but I must admit I've been through the same dilemma.
I just loathe rejection and that is what I fear most about disclosing my status to a potential boyfriend or relationship and everything wonderful and beautiful that they bring.
It's hard enough just to find someone who I would enjoy having this closeness with. But I also know in my heart that I could NEVER truly enjoy that relationship that most definitely includes complete honesty to FEEL OR BE! REAL!!!
I know you'll work it out in your own heart, soul & mind.

You'll do the right thing sweetie,
angels4kelly
POSITIVE SINCE-10/1990
CD4-610
CD4%-29.3
VL-UNDETECTABLE
VIREAD,VIRACEPT, EPZICOM

MOST RECENT...
10/9/2006
CD4's-714
CD4%-30%
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DIAGNOSES POSITIVE 10/90
SAME MEDS, VIREAD, VIRAMUNE, EPZICOM.

SHOOT FOR THE MOON! YOU MAY MISS,
BUT YOU'LL LAND IN THE STARS :)

Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.
 
Failure is not in falling down,
but the staying down

Offline David_CA

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #28 on: June 26, 2006, 05:59:10 PM »
and when you're done will you please take down that silly broken heart avatar and put your handsome face back up there?!!  grrrrr!

Thats exactly what I was going to post!  Your latest face pic is your best so far (to me).
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline Eldon

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #29 on: June 26, 2006, 06:08:02 PM »
Cubby, just take a deep breath and slowly exhale and tell the guy what is going on. You'd be suprised from his feeback.

Take charge and be yourself.

Offline cubbybear

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #30 on: June 26, 2006, 06:45:09 PM »
Gee guys, I try and get some sleep for 8 hours (more like just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking) and I come back and the whole world has posted.  Well, my whole world anyway, and I thank you all dearly for that.

Quote
(May I ask how you know that he's negative?  If the topic has come up, and you didn't chime in with an immediate, "I'm negative, too!", he might already have his suspicions.)

We were talking about sex with other people, and he mentioned he had recently had a 6 week hiv test which was negative.  Some guy he was with said he'd be safe, but never put a rubber on.  He's still got to go for his 12 week sometime next month I think?  He never asked me about my status, and I never volunteered the information though I wanted to.  We were speaking for hours the other day by the river in my city, about all sorts of things, and we were talking hypertheticals (or not so hypertheticals) about our characters/personalities and I asked him, if I had some strange disease or illness, or if I was incapacitated in some way would he still want to be with me, and he said yes.  Though my instincts tell me he was just being a gentleman, and it may not be the case if I REALLY did have some strange disease or illness.  Though, you never know.  He has his own health issues (dont we all?), though nothing communicable, I'd accept him for who he is.

I just wanted him to get to know me for me, without this damn virus, just Matt.  I want him to get to know me like everyone else I have ever met has without me having to say btw, I've got this thing in my blood that looks like an 800 pound gorilla. 

I don't want to let HIV dictate what I have to do in my life.  I want to live my life how I always have, with the exception for those 20 seconds a day when I grab my pills and swallow them.  That's the only time I will allow HIV to interfere with my life, I will hate my life if it becomes more than that, and it already is.

Last night I did make a decision though.  I will definitely tell him thursday, after we finish dinner.. and perhaps before dessert, hell everyone wants to stay for desserts!  But I also decided that if this goes badly and my poor cubby heart gets torn asunder, I swear I will never put myself in this position ever again.  I'm just not going to deal with it very well.  I'm a very intouch emotionally type guy and wear my heart on my sleeve, and I've always been a big softy.  I just won't bounce back from this, should he have a dagger concealed up his sleeve.

If I dissappear for a while at the end of the week, you'll know why, but it doesn't mean I won't stop thinking about you guys.

Quote
and when you're done will you please take down that silly broken heart avatar and put your handsome face back up there?!!  grrrrr!

If things go well, I swear I'll put my facepic back up.  If not, well... we'll see.

love
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline bear60

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #31 on: June 26, 2006, 06:49:35 PM »
I have always liked the short and sweet post...so here goes:
I agree with the poster who said "the truth will set you free"
And heres a {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} from your bear friend
« Last Edit: June 26, 2006, 06:52:37 PM by bear60 »
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #32 on: June 26, 2006, 06:51:03 PM »
I just wanted him to get to know me for me, without this damn virus, just Matt.  I want him to get to know me like everyone else I have ever met has without me having to say btw, I've got this thing in my blood that looks like an 800 pound gorilla.

Ah babe, but we can't get away from this damn virus. Especially in the context of intimate emotional relationships. I appreciate that you're a big softy, Papa Bear, but you would be surprised at your ability to cope with a rejection.

But you've not been rejected yet!

Baby Bear

Offline cubbybear

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #33 on: June 26, 2006, 08:25:21 PM »
Well things have transpired in the short time since I posted my last message, and a phone call to my guy.  I told him I wished I could walk away, but felt really strongly for him, and he decided it was a good time to tell me he loved me, and it felt like he just drove a wooden stake through my chest. 

I told him that he doesn't know who I am, and what if there were things about me he didn't like, not trivial things like leaving the dishes until the morning, but serious things like if I was a criminal (which I'm not!) or I said what if I had an illness or disease.  He said he wouldn't care if I had an illness or was a criminal (as long as I didn't kill anyone), he would still want to be with me.

This should give me courage to tell him when I see him face to face, he knows what it's like to keep a secret from people, he's from a strict catholic family and he's living at home, and his folks don't know he's gay.  Im hoping his life experiences will help him understand why it's been hard for me to tell him, and I hope he stands by his convictions and doesn't bolt when I tell him our relationship will be him, me and hiv.

Thank god I'm going to the movies tonight with my ex.. I need some time out from my headspace.  I feel strange being so open with you guys, and sometimes it makes me feel vulnerable putting this down in words for all to read, but I feel connected to many of you, especially those I have known since I first came to the AM website, and especially those that I communicate with regularly. 

There's no one else I'd rather share my thoughts with than you guys.  No one else truly understands.
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Terry

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #34 on: June 26, 2006, 08:50:33 PM »
Matt,

I don’t think that I have ever had as much respect for another person in my life as I do for you right now.

Remember one thing, no matter how this turns out you’re still a valuable being. And if he does indeed run, he’ll be running from the virus NOT from YOU.

WOW! You truly are some kind of a wonderful person!

Terry

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #35 on: June 26, 2006, 08:59:22 PM »
Matt

Anyone who runs from you would be a fool.  You are such a sweetie and a fine looking man :)

I was so afraid of rejection at first but I have found that being honest early is key.  The guy I am seeing now is negative and has known my situation from day one.  He is actually cooler about it then I am (I worry about giving it to him but we are safe - I worry about everything though)

Good luck with whatever you decide to do...and put your handsome mug back up :)

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #36 on: June 26, 2006, 09:51:06 PM »
Dear Matt,

I spent over a year in an abusive relationship after being released from the hospital with an AIDS diagnosis.  I believed that because I had AIDS, I was of no value to anyone.  After my bank contacted me and pointed out some discrepancies in my accounts, I paid him to leave.  There was also several ER visits because of the abuse and a year of hiding out from my friends.  I went into an emotionally abusive relationship because I still believed having AIDS meant I was worth nothing to anyone.  It took me 3-4 years and 536 miles to get out of that one.  I spent 5 years alone in a remote ranch property because I felt safe there.

Having spent the last year playing "catch me, fuck me" with an employee of the clinic.  He has spent the last 18 months making me feel like I did before AIDS.  He has open access to my HIV medical records so disclosure was never an issue, he made me feel like someone.  I had reason to believe I was loved, he said so, mutual friends said so.  How could it not be true?

With heavy heart, I sent letter giving him an out and for all intents and purposes, he is gone.  Do I miss him?  Not really, I have been completely alone for the past 6 years.  I am not at all upset, there was a time in my life I thought men were like street cars, if you miss one, another comes along in 20 minutes.  I think AIDS was the ticket to the end of the line because streetcars don't stop at my station and the phone quit ringing.  Have the best day
Michael

www.Commission-on-AIDS.org   

Offline Robert

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #37 on: June 26, 2006, 11:26:50 PM »
Matt.

You'll do just fine.  When you find out just how much this guy loves you and accepts you then you'll see that this mean old virus just doesn't have what it takes to set you back.  You're trying to give the virus something it just doesn't have; control.

Remember....  If you go down in the woods today,
              You're sure of a big surprise.
              Because today's the day the
              Teddy Bears have their picnic.

I think you'll be  pleasantly surprised.  I see a lot of cubby hugs in your future.

robert

(who literally knows what a cubby hug is.  My teddy bear "Cubby" (along with his friends "Inky" and "No-Eyes") is sitting in the hallway right now.  He hasn't left my side 50 years)


..........

Offline bobik

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #38 on: June 27, 2006, 08:58:48 AM »
Hey Matt,

just a thought,

you say you want to be taken for what you are, as Matt, and not as Matt with an illness, But I believe that your illness has made you to what you are now. It had made you realise that you can't live in a relationship without true love. It has caused you to go through such big grief and sadness and fear when you were ill. You have survived that, you are stronger than you used to be. You have helped many of us to put our thoughts in order because you understand what we are talking about. Through what happened with you and your health, in a way you have become a new Matt, with new troubles and new views on things. Maybe your new friend has noticed your strength, your emotionality, things that have become more clear since you know that you have aids. He falls for the guy you are now, the guy who lives with Aids. Obviously he has been thinking about HIV and aids already. I think you'll be fine when you tell him. You're a strong guy, Matt, and in the months I am here I came to really love you. You are Matt, a man living with Aids. And your friend wants you. Please, try to love yourself when you tell him what is going on. That is going to make it easier. Before you see him, tell yourself that you are worth being loved. If you are convinced about that, I think he will be too!!

Big, big hug

and yes, I want your face back here too!  :-*

Coen
Coen Honig at Facebook

Offline randym431

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #39 on: June 27, 2006, 09:47:00 AM »
Hey Matt. I cant believe how much we think alike. My first thought, you addressed in your follow up post:

Quote
I asked him, if I had some strange disease or illness, or if I was incapacitated in some way would he still want to be with me

THere are some, hopefully few, that would feel they were doomed to taking care of some helpless guy in a wheel chair at some point, and that would-might scare them away. They wouldn’t know that it is not that way in these days of hiv.

If I read right (above) when you said he had unsafe sex because the other guy "said" he was neg. Well, we know THATS how we can get this in the first place.  You might wake him to reality, if nothing else. You may be the best friend he's ever found, if nothing else too. I hope he realizes that, at least, after you tell him of whats its like to live with hiv day to day.  You may be saving him from this.

I  always think its a good sign if you become friends before lovers. Those relationships seem to last.
But it doesn’t matter its an hiv issue, it could as well be getting any illness. And not bailing out when ones perfect little relationship hits bumps. Really, its hard to know someone until that might happen. So telling him/her something, like your hiv, will be a telling clue if its really true.

And even if this doesn’t go well (but we really hope it does), don’t get down on yourself. If this guy doesn’t turn out to be the perfect guy, that just means the perfect guy is still out there (maybe in iOwa - hehe).

Take care Matt. If he doesn’t realize he has a catch here, he's a fool. You don’t want to waste time on a fool.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2006, 10:06:04 AM by randym431 »

Offline Christine

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #40 on: June 27, 2006, 10:32:53 AM »
Hi Matt,

You are such a good guy! I can't add anything that has not already been said. Go into the relationship with honesty, trust and love. If he can't accept all of you, then he is not the man you deserve. And you deserve the best.

And I miss your cubby bear picture too!!

Christine

Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline Moffie65

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #41 on: June 27, 2006, 10:54:46 AM »
Thinking of you today Matt, and just wanted to let you know. ;D

In Love and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline doyourowndamndishes

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #42 on: June 28, 2006, 12:06:33 PM »
Hey Matt,

I know you are going through a rough heart ache period but man, I wanted to let you know that I envy your position.  At least you have found someone whom the attraction is mutual and your are both madly head over heals for each other.  What I wouldn't give to truly be in that same situation even if I knew it was going to end I still would want the chance to feel and experience those emotions!  Here's hoping that everything works out for the better and it sounds like it will given that he has said that he doesn't care if you have some disease. 

Keeping you in my thoughts hoping this all works out!

{{{{{{HUGZ}}}}}}
"All that we are is theresult of what we have thought." -Buddha

Offline david25luvit

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #43 on: June 28, 2006, 12:20:26 PM »
Matt........No advice.  Just a big hug buddy.  You sound like a level headed guy and I'm trusting you'll do the right thing.  (For You)  Disclosure is a tough sometimes...  but I suspect being able to live with yourself is very important to you.  Good luck, Good Buddy! :-* :-* :-*
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline cubbybear

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #44 on: June 28, 2006, 06:49:27 PM »
Well guys.  Here's the final update on the disclosure saga. 

I decided to do the right thing, that is; the right thing by myself and I told him I couldn't see him anymore.  I'm not putting myself in this situation again, and I'm not leaving myself open to the chance that people I disclose to, that don't like what I have to say may go and tell other people (as rumour mills go), and hence I lose control over who I disclose to. 

I'm just not ready to face that yet.  Maybe when I've knowingly lived with this fcuked up virus for 10 years instead of 10 months I might change my point of view, when I become bitter and jaded and just don't give a flying fcuk about people.  But at least for today and the forseeable future, I am protecting my own feelings.  If that means I push people away, so be it. 

I don't ever want to be made to feel like I am a criminal, or that I am a second rate person, or some kind of leper, or that I don't deserve equality.  Because that's what I felt like knowing I would need to disclose to this person, and I don't want to feel like that ever again.  So for the sake of my own well being, I opted out of that situation and told him I didn't like where things were heading and I'd rather not go there.

Do I care about his feelings and serving his heart up on a plate? Sure I do, more than you know and more than I'm willing to share.  I served mine up right along side his.

I'm not doing this again, it's time to push people away and it's time to build some barriers.

Sorry guys, I just couldnt disclose, and I just couldn't lie to him either.
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Robert

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #45 on: June 28, 2006, 10:47:41 PM »
Well, goddamnit matt, I'm sorry too.  I just want you to grab the fcuking virus by the balls and sling it out of the skies.  I respect you  and your being true to yourself and your feelings.  That's very, very admirable.  Someday, though, you're going to kick this virus into the far netherlands of the universe with your lover by your side. 

cubby hugs kiddo.  You'll be oK...

robt

..........

Offline Teresa

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #46 on: June 28, 2006, 11:08:23 PM »
Matt,

Thinking about you and sending you
BIG HUGS
Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #47 on: June 29, 2006, 02:54:20 AM »
Oh Matt
I think thats such a shame but I understand.
Thinking of you...
Melia
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline anniebc

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #48 on: June 29, 2006, 03:11:09 AM »
 :'(

(((hugs)))
Jan
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline DanielMark

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Re: Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.
« Reply #49 on: June 29, 2006, 06:34:28 AM »
Hi Matt,

After reading through the responses to your post, it’s clear you are a much-loved and respected member here. Obviously we don't know each other, and sorry things could not work out this time, but I'm glad you decided in the end to follow your honest heart. Being true to you in life is of far more importance than the other options.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

 


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