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Disclosure; and why I hate myself right now.

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cubbybear:
Since finding out I was positive, 10 months ago I have disclosed to numerous people.  Firstly to my ex-ex-partner of 13 years, then to my ex-partner of 4 years, then to a small handful of my closest and dearest friends, and finally my boss.  Doing that wasn't hard for me, not even telling my ex partner and partner at the time.  I don't regret having disclosed to any of them.

The problem is now.

I've recently met a guy who has just blown me away, and he's negative.  We've seen each other quite a bit recently, and things are going way too fast, but I can't stop it, I can't stop what he feels or what I am feeling for him right now.  We've not had sex, just a few major pash-fests and done some on top of the clothes foolin around, all innocent and totally no risk to him.  Usually by now me, him or both would be well and truly deflowered going by my previous track record.  I really, really like this guy and we both want to see where it goes, but I'm tearing myself up inside because I just can't bring myself to disclose my status to him.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I have never in my life been rejected by any guys I have approached, whether I was drunk or sober!  And usually I am the one who has been doing the rejecting.  I am so scared if I disclose to this guy, he's totally going to run, and when he does he'll be ripping my heart out at the same time.  I wish I was a stronger guy, I sure as hell used to be when I'd quite remorselessly tear out a pumping heart complete with dangling aorta from some loser's chest when he got attached to me.. now that loser is me.

I don't know what to do with this guy.  I want to be evil, I want to lie to him, by omission and not let him know my status.  I would never ever put him at risk, or do anything with him that could infect him, I wouldnt live with myself if I did.  But at the same time, I hate lying, I don't lie and I abhor it, but I find myself entertaining this notion for my own selfish reasons, because I can not face being rejected by this guy who I seem to have fallen for, hook, line and sinker. 

I feel like running away, and never seeing him again, I feel like staying with him for how ever long I'm supposed to be on this planet, and he seems to feel the same way.  I just don't know what to do, and it's killing me inside.  I don't think I'm strong enough to disclose to him, why is it so damned hard this time? 

I hate myself for getting this virus, I just hate myself and I want to be happy.  I need to go, tears are streaming down my face.

I love you guys.
Matt

Moffie65:

--- Quote from: cubbybear on June 26, 2006, 04:38:16 AM ---

I don't know what to do with this guy.  I want to be evil, I want to lie to him, by omission and not let him know my status.  I would never ever put him at risk, or do anything with him that could infect him, I wouldnt live with myself if I did.  But at the same time, I hate lying, I don't lie and I abhor it, but I find myself entertaining this notion for my own selfish reasons, because I can not face being rejected by this guy who I seem to have fallen for, hook, line and sinker. 

I feel like running away, and never seeing him again, I feel like staying with him for how ever long I'm supposed to be on this planet, and he seems to feel the same way.  I just don't know what to do, and it's killing me inside.  I don't think I'm strong enough to disclose to him, why is it so damned hard this time? 

I hate myself for getting this virus, I just hate myself and I want to be happy.  I need to go, tears are streaming down my face.

I love you guys.
Matt

--- End quote ---

Hi Matt,

Well, I guess there was a reason why I couldn't sleep past 1:30 this morning.  My friend Matt was in trouble.

Listen up Matt, I met my sweetie and llooking back on that first week we knew together, one of the first things that we talked about was HIV.  It was all around us, it was changing everyone's lives at the time and when we met, he was taking care of his horse trainer who was dying from very advanced AIDS.  I never once even gave a second thought to what he might think about my status, and at the same time, yes I did, down deep inside. 

I think you should STOP placing any expectations on this man and do what you know you must do.  To enter into an "agreement", "relationship", or any other situation where honesty is the base foundation for the future sucess of that relationship; then it is only prudent that this relationship, friendship, or whatever you want to call this, is done with full disclosure, and honesty.  I know you know how to "teach" someone about HIV/AIDS, without sending them screaming into the Outback, and so somewhere, down deep, you need to find the resolve to deal with this straight up and them move on.  Whether it be with this very nice man, or by yourself, just keep on moving forward. 

Now you know I could also go into your penchant for breaking hearts.  Hmmmm.  Please let this be a time in your past, and not the present, because now that you are living with HIV, the heart you break could be your own.  That would be a total waste of time.  What would that accomplish in your life?

Matt, you know what you have to do, so my suggestion is try to do it in such a way that he doesn't go screaming into the mist.  Besides, if he is half the man you say he is; he will then obviously not give a damn about one minor detail like a bug that you can both deal with. 

Remember my sweetie is still negative, and we have been together for,...... let's see.....  18 years now.  Not bad for two that started RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE TODAY, back in January 1988.

You will do the right thing, won't you My Dear Teddy BEar.  ;D

In Love and Total Support.

sweetasmeli:
Dammit Tim, you beat me to it…you must type faster than me!

Dear Cubbybear (I love that name!)
Firstly thank you for your message to me on my get well thread :)

I'm sorry to hear about your dimemma but I had to respond to this thread in the only way I know how:

You have to tell him or walk away. Deceiving him is not an option - well it is not an option that will leave you with a clear conscience anyway - not if you are hoping for any kind of future with this guy. But I don't think you need to be told that, you already know. I'm sure some people will disagree with me and tell you to take your time etc but I believe that the longer you leave it the longer you are misleading him and the harder it will get to share the truth with him and the crapper you will feel.

You are not a mass murderer or a paedophile (I'm assuming and hoping!). You are just someone who is living with a chronic disease that unfortunately can be passed on if precautions are not taken.

After being outed last year, I took the decision to be open about my status if asked and not give a shit about negative reactions, which extinguished most of the fears I had about being 'exposed'. That's not to say I don't still feel totally crap about being in this shitty situation and hate it as much as you sound like you do! However, in some ways I think you are actually braver than me. Although I am prepared to be open about my status in general, I'm purposely avoiding the dilemma you are now in by not putting myself in a situation where I may actually meet anyone! So I guess we all have our dilemmas/demons to face...

I know you know deep down what you have to do. If you didn't you wouldn't be in such anguish over this. You both have the right to go into this with your eyes wide open so you can both make informed decisions. Once he has been told, well, he has been told and he can decide what he wants to do which he has every right to do.
The way I look at it, it will go one of 2 ways: he will walk or he will stay. Either way you will know him better, which can only be a good thing.

Kind thoughts

Melia :)

Optimistic:
Hi Matt,

Sorry I don't have much advice for you....but I too feel the same at times...and I know in the end disclosing is probably the best route to take.  The most difficult part is bringing the subject up. Just from reading your posts on this site, you have a beautiful heart and soul.....you deserve happiness.   I wish you the best and hope that everything will work out for you.   

Justin

Nadine:
Matt...I can't add anything to the great advice you've already gotten.  Please don't hate yourself, everything will work out the way it is meant to.

Take good care of yourself Matt

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