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Author Topic: I need help with my alcoholism.  (Read 7235 times)

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Offline DingoBoi

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  • Posts: 1,355
  • Bailey's Infected Cream™ Served since 2004
I need help with my alcoholism.
« on: May 12, 2007, 01:44:06 AM »
I've finally come to the conclusion that I need help with my drinking.  Before I could get by ok and mostly I still do, but this is not the person I want to be anymore. 

I want to be the old bailey.

I'm going to check into any help programs through my insurance, but I seriously do not think a part time program will work.  I really think I need in-patient help.  Serious, intentive help.

Not just feel good AA.

My coverage is as follows:

Rehab: Outpatient coverage $20 copay; limited to 20 visits per year   
Rehab: Inpatient coverage $250 copay per admission; limited to 20 days per year

outpatient has been ineffective in the past.  it never addressed the issues why i drink.  They just tried to give me ways not to drink. it didn't help any of my core problems.

inpatient has not been tried yet... but i THINK it would be much more effective in changing behaviors.  Perhaps the only chance I have left.  I need something and at this point, I don't see many options except something severe like in-patient treatment.

It's not the physical act of drinking i need to address.  It's the underlying issues that have always  been there, and been exacerbated by hiv.

quite frankly, I'm scared.  I don't want to do this but know i need to.

has anybody been 'there'?  wHAT might I expect?

The thing I hate worst about being sober is that I'm bored.  I have nothign to do.  Watching tv doesn't count so I drink myself into oblivion and then can pass away time without ... well, even knowing it's passing.

I'm drinking my life away and that really is making me cry now.

when i actually say it and type it.

You have seen my apartment if you've viewed my blog.  It's horrid.  it hasn't gotten much better... a little but not much. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know.

I need help so much.

I don't want this type of life anymore

I really need help.







« Last Edit: May 12, 2007, 01:46:59 AM by DingoBoi »

Offline anniebc

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2007, 03:47:07 AM »
Dear Baily

I'm sorry but I know very little about alcoholism..you know me..two "wet dreams" and I'm well on my way... ;)...but seriously, the only thing I can offer is my on-line support when and if you decide on therapy, I do know that overcoming addiction and changing behavior is much easier to do with friends around to support you and I know you will get some help from the guys here, I only wish I could be of more help to you.

Thinking of you and feeling sad that you are going through this, but I know there is help out there and hopefully one of the guys here can point you in the right direction.

((((hugs))))
Jan :-*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline J.R.E.

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2007, 04:35:08 AM »
Hello Bailey,

As I and others had suggested to another poster, I believe that the first place to start, is to sit down and discuss this openly and honestly with your doctor. I can't stress enough, your part of being open and honest in all areas with your doctor. You can't hold back here. If you need to take someone, a close friend, That you can trust, with you to the doctors office, for additional support, by all means please do that.

See what the doctor may recommend to you.  See what gay organizations are in your area, that deal with substance and alcohol abuse.( that don't have any charges) I am positive that they are in your area, but you need to take that step. Check to see what programs are available through your insurance at work. ( I see you already have checked in on that)
If you can't find any, I will try to find something for you.

I do know your hurting. I also know this has been going on a long time.  If there is anything I can help you with, or if you need someone to just talk to, private message me, I will give you my phone number. I can't promise anything, but I'll try. As an alcoholic, I know how difficult this is. Believe me I DO !!
Things are tough, and it's not an easy road to recovery, but you can do it. You need to take that step. I know your scared, I can very easily read that in your post. It's up to you...  It's time to take control !


Take care of yourself------Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2007, 08:52:42 AM »
Bailey, I'm glad you are able to recognize that you need help and that you can't deal with your alcoholism on your own.

Along with the other suggestions which have been made to you and/or which you have mentioned, I would strongly suggest that you not totally dismiss AA. Even if you go into a rehab setting, coming back out into the world and wanting to live sober is no easy thing. AA is not a "feel good" program. It requires real work. It also keeps you in supportive company with others who understand what it's like to work at living sober.

Addiction of any kind thrives on isolation so developing a support network amongst others who understand what you're dealing with can be a powerful tool for recovery. That doesn't mean you will like everyone there. You won't. But I can with some certainty say you're going to find some with whom you can really connect. 

The thing is that when you get sober it is going to inevitably allow you to examine other aspects of your life. That's the good news and the bad news, because that too is by no means easy.

But by doing that you will have the challenging opportunity to reclaim your life for yourself.

Stay on this course. Saving your life is worth the hard times getting through.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline penguin

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2007, 09:17:28 AM »
^^^^^ this stuff, bailey, this takes proper bravery to write

Intensive inpatient rehab was the only kind of intervention which helped me rejoin the rest of the world. It took a few gos, cos I was kidding myself, & everyone else. I got there eventually
I needed somewhere, & a group of people who I couldn't bullshit. Couldn't fool with all my reasons why I needed to keep using, or textbook spiel, or impressions of insight & understanding. Somewhere I could break through that roadblock which put the preservation of my addictions above preservation of my self.

Do some research into what's available. try to find somewhere where they can provide a total rehab package (not jsut nice little bottles of shampoo in ensuite bathrooms) with equally good aftercare support too. I think one of the hardest things is not the stopping using/drinking/whatever..as andy points out, it's what comes afterwards, the need to relearn virtually every aspect of your way of dealing with life. Finding other stuff to put in its place, & regaining appropriate control. This, for me, was both terrifying - the feeling that I would literally disappear into the vacuums of time previously filled with drug use - &, strangely, liberating - I suddenly didn't have this huge anchor weight holding me back.

You weren't born with this. It is learned behaviour. You can unlearn it.
It will be bloody hard work, but then one day you look back, and you can say I did that, with the most amazing sense of achievement. No matter what else falls away, that remains -  in a way that the contents of a bottle, or a needle never does.

I am of little use for much at the moment, but if you want to talk (type?) about where you are right now, I will listen.

good luck - kate

Offline FiercenBed

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  • Posts: 183
Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2007, 09:22:03 AM »
whew....uv really bn through it.

iv got lotza friends who have done it all from cold turkey to 12 steps. most have worked some havnt. sounds like u have the right idea w/ an in-treatment program. iv got a friend who went to an in treatment program in ca to 'dry out' that was specifically for gay people. i think it was 6 weeks.

i never thought id say this but dont focus on the insurance. find the right program. anything insurance wont pay charge it, geta loan. think of the money ull save by not drinking.

he said it was tough but it really helped him not only w/ the drinking but other issues he was having. like on here he was surprised to find other people who were having the same problems he was. if ur interested hit me up and ill ask for the name.

anyway....hang in there! like hiv therez light @ the end of the tunnel ;)
« Last Edit: May 12, 2007, 09:30:34 AM by FiercenBed »

Offline Peter6836

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  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2007, 09:41:49 AM »
Baily,
Just want to say that I support you in mind and spirit if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.
your moving in the right direction.
Peter

Offline appleboy

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2007, 09:56:31 AM »
Baily,
I am super proud of you.  You have taken the first step and that is admitting you have a problem.  That alone takes balls of steel.  Whatever you choose to do to get help with your problem you have to know inside that you are ready for change.  Is it going to be easy?  No, but the Baily I see around here in the forums CAN handle it. 
Hugs
AppleBoy
If you are walking down the street and your pants drop to your ankles bend over pick them up and keep on walking!
My Blog

Offline RAB

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2007, 09:59:04 AM »
Dingo:

I think you are making a good decision my friend.  I'll be sending lots of support and healing energy out to you over the next weeks.

Take care buddy.

RAB

Offline bocker3

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2007, 10:26:43 AM »
Dingo,

You have just taken a big step -- the next one is to ask for help to someone in person -- your doctor is a good place to start.  However, if you have a close friend who you trust and isn't just a drinking buddy -- try them -- you won't have to wait for an appointment.  Getting someone close to you involved early could be very helpful to you. 
Explore all avenues -- get your doctor to recommend a good inpatient place and then go as soon as they have a space -- if it's right then, go right then.  These windows don't always last long in the mind of an alcoholic -- I was very good at coming up with reasons why I was "wrong" to be worried about my drinking.  It took years before I finally acted. 
Don't fear being bored without booze -- it's a good excuse to keep drinking.  Trust me when I say that a time will come where you will be unable to understand where you found the time to drink.  You aren't bored, you have simply replaced the rest of living with drinking.  Living will return.
Finally -- while support is crucial for your ability to get and stay sober -- you have to remember that no one else is doing it.  "They" will not get to your core reasons for drinking -- YOU will need to get to them.  "They" will not get you sober, YOU will get you sober.  And, of course, as Andy suggested -- you need to be open to all possibilities.  Don't dismiss anything out of hand -- like AA.  It may not be where you go, but don't close off an avenue that could be the thing that saves your life.

You're in my thoughts -- let us know how things are going.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline milker

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2007, 10:28:13 AM »
The thing I hate worst about being sober is that I'm bored.  I have nothign to do.  Watching tv doesn't count so I drink myself into oblivion and then can pass away time without ... well, even knowing it's passing.

Man this sentence.. I can relate so much.. I am SO FREAKING BORED when I don't drink.

Try this to start with: http://dasis3.samhsa.gov/PrxInput.aspx?STATE=Florida
http://www.fadaa.org/

I have too considered in-patient treatment to take the bull by the horns and get done with it.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,396
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2007, 10:45:11 AM »
Bailey,
That took courage to write, and will take courage to see through.

I have heard very good things about this:

http://www.pride-institute.com/

They have locations is Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., NYNY, Dallas and Minneapolis.

They may be able to address the underlying issues you speak of.

As Jan said, please know I will give you any support I can.

BIG HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2007, 10:46:41 AM »
Dingo,

Despite any fight you and I have had in the past please know that you have my support in what you want to do now.

I does take courage and it takes strength to face an addiction  and you are showing that.  My mom was in A.A. so I was fed their slogans from an early age and some are hokey and some are good, but one that really is relevant is "One Step at a Time."

I think the inpatient idea is a good one.

Best luck,

Iggy

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2007, 10:47:51 AM »
I've finally come to the conclusion that I need help with my drinking.  Before I could get by ok and mostly I still do, but this is not the person I want to be anymore. 

I want to be the old bailey.

I'm going to check into any help programs through my insurance, but I seriously do not think a part time program will work.  I really think I need in-patient help.  Serious, intentive help.

Not just feel good AA.

My coverage is as follows:

Rehab: Outpatient coverage $20 copay; limited to 20 visits per year   
Rehab: Inpatient coverage $250 copay per admission; limited to 20 days per year

outpatient has been ineffective in the past.  it never addressed the issues why i drink.  They just tried to give me ways not to drink. it didn't help any of my core problems.

inpatient has not been tried yet... but i THINK it would be much more effective in changing behaviors.  Perhaps the only chance I have left.  I need something and at this point, I don't see many options except something severe like in-patient treatment.

It's not the physical act of drinking i need to address.  It's the underlying issues that have always  been there, and been exacerbated by hiv.

quite frankly, I'm scared.  I don't want to do this but know i need to.

has anybody been 'there'?  wHAT might I expect?

The thing I hate worst about being sober is that I'm bored.  I have nothign to do.  Watching tv doesn't count so I drink myself into oblivion and then can pass away time without ... well, even knowing it's passing.

I'm drinking my life away and that really is making me cry now.

when i actually say it and type it.

You have seen my apartment if you've viewed my blog.  It's horrid.  it hasn't gotten much better... a little but not much. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know.

I need help so much.

I don't want this type of life anymore

I really need help.


Hi. Since I'm not a medical professional, I'm not sure how true the below is about alcoholism nd hypoglycemia, but I imagine you could ask doctors if it's true (i.e., asking won't hurt):

There is considerable data that supports the notion that most alcoholics are hypoglycemic.  (Larson 92, Airola 77)  There is a reciprocal relationship between the two.  Chronic drinking just like excessive sugar contributes to the development of hypoglycemia just as people with hypoglycemia are potential candidates for alcoholism.  Hypoglycemia can cause irritability, depression, aggressiveness, insomnia, fatigue, restlessness, confusion, a desire to drink and nervousness, many of the same symptoms of an alcoholic.  (Larson 92)   When an alcoholic gets sober the symptoms listed above continue to plague them and if hypoglycemia is not addressed these symptoms leave the individual at high risk of relapsing in order to temporarily relieve these symptoms.

Kudos to you for your courage

Offline Jnm594

  • Member
  • Posts: 111
  • Fight! Fight! Fight the Good Fight!
Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2007, 11:22:07 AM »
Quote
AA is not a "feel good" program. It requires real work. It also keeps you in supportive company with others who understand what it's like to work at living sober.

That's putting it mildly!

I have been sober for almost fifteen years now, and I'm only forty! LOL!

AA is not the Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears stuff you see on television or is something that can be judged prior to really investigating it. Or something that anyone can truly speak about unless they have actually been there for longer than twenty minutes. And Anyway, What do you have to lose?

I got sober in gay meetings after going to "Betty" for about a month. Are some of them crazy? Hell Yes I could tell you stories that would make you're hair curl! Are all of them? Nope.

Talk to your doctor, Talk to someone, If you are ready to do what is necessary then you'll do it. It's not fun, But it is worth it.

If I can get sober, ANYONE can!

Just keep these few suggestions in the back of you're mind if you do decide to go.

Stick with the people who have been sober a long time for advice (That's over ten years, not ten days)

Get in with the most boring crowd there (No disco bunnies looking for a husband)

Choose a sponsor that you hate, but respect

When everyone wants to tell you what to do because they won't do it, tell them to *&^* off, You Can. You have permission.

When in Pain, Say it

When confused, Say it

When you want to get loaded, Say it

Get a Big Book, It won't make sense at first  but it will help you get to sleep (read the quote on pg 164, that will piss anyone off at first!)

Get there early and stay late (30 minutes before and after)

Give it a shot (a meeting a day for ninety days)

Go to a lot of different meetings until you find one you feel comfortable in

And finally, Just because someone is in AA does NOT mean they know what the hell they are talking about (see above) and if you want to do it you can and no one can stop you.

I wish you all the best and if I can help at all PM me.  ;D ;D ;D

Jeffrey

Sober since January 20, 1993


When it gets hard I always listen to my favorite song of all time..........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJEYu3KgWCE

Offline Dragonette

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #15 on: May 12, 2007, 11:36:59 AM »
Dingo I sent you a PM........... take care
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #16 on: May 13, 2007, 04:07:13 PM »
Andy,

You got it exactly:

Addiction of any kind thrives on isolation so developing a support network amongst others who understand what you're dealing with can be a powerful tool for recovery. That doesn't mean you will like everyone there. You won't. But I can with some certainty say you're going to find some with whom you can really connect.

Bailey,

Way back in the late 1980s it took me many many times to achieve sobriety of any length. I credit a 28-day program at a treatment centre in New Hampshire for helping truly get me started. Unfortunately they are no longer there. Hope you can find a decent place to go to.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2007, 04:42:05 PM »
Bailey,  Your headed in the right direction...

I think I talked about how pissed off I was about myself for drinking my life away for a good 5 or 6 years before I "hit the wall" with a DUI.   It was enough to jolt me and realize what I was doing to myself.   I called it quits then and my Dad took me to my first AA meeting back in 95 and I have been sober since.   I had enough!  For me, the elevator I was on would always be going DOWN.   But, I can choose what floor to get off on (how bad do you want it to get), but the elevator ALWAYS goes down, never up.  Do not discount the power of AA (contempt prior to investigation)..   If you are the type of drunk I am (garden variety) alcohol is not your problem, its living.   The steps that you work in AA cleans up all that wreckage of your past and gives you great ways how to live.   The people that go to these meetings you will find so much in common with.   There are Gay meetings, there are Gay HIV pos meetings etc...   I will not discount going into treatment either..   Many start in treatment but for a garden variety alcoholic after care is something you will deal with the rest of your life and most treatment centers will STRONGLY advise you to be in AA.    I am a recovering alcoholic and I have been sober now for many years.   This is based on my willingness to practice the principles taught to me in AA meetings and working the steps with my sponsor.   It is a commitment.   It is a connection to a "Higher Power" other than yourself.    Having these tools in your belt will also help you deal with life and living with HIV.   I am still brushing off some of the things in AA that have allowed me to deal with life as a Gay, Positive Alcoholic...   Don't believe what you hear, go experience it first hand..

I will go a step further to say that it is my "stinkin thinkin" that alocholics due to themselves that is more self distructive than HIV is.   To say, that my alcholism is just as deadly, if not more than HIV currently is for me....   Great Combo Ahy?

Best Wishes Bailey,

Eric
« Last Edit: May 13, 2007, 04:55:38 PM by Life »

Offline DanielMark

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #18 on: May 13, 2007, 05:25:29 PM »
Having these tools in your belt will also help you deal with life and living with HIV.

That's just the same for me, Eric. It helped me learn living lessons that I previously missed out on after too many years escaping in the booze.

Something someone said to me once also went deep:

Never love something that can't love you back.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline emeraldize

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #19 on: May 13, 2007, 06:09:48 PM »
Bailey,
Sent a PM.
Em

Offline BT65

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #20 on: May 13, 2007, 07:47:31 PM »
Bailey-
  The first step always is admitting.  And you're doing that.  I've been in recovery since 1989.  I went inpatient because just going to meetings at first didn't do it.  The temptation was still very much there.  I go to AA and NA.  They are very real programs that taught me how to behave and live life.  Life beyond what I ever thought possible happened.  I've been through things with the HIV (been poz since '88), but nothing that I couldn't handle because I was clean.  And the people are amazing!  Someone earlier said about a sponsor, to find one you hate but respect.  Well, you don't necessarily have to hate them.  Just listen and find someone that has what you want.  That, I think is the best advice in finding a sponsor.  But please, do check out an inpatient facility.  It will be worth its cost in gold.  PM me if you need to. 
Peace- Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline AlanBama

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #21 on: May 13, 2007, 07:51:43 PM »
Bailey,

I'm proud of you for facing this, and trying to deal with it.   You have your whole life ahead of you, and you deserve to be well and happy.   Sending you lots of love and hugs, and prayers and good thoughts....

hugs,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Jody

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #22 on: May 13, 2007, 08:43:24 PM »
Dearest Bailey....

I know you are a smart and good person and that you can tackle any obstacle that comes your way when you put your mind to it...And puppy London needs her daddy !!!

Jody
"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline asaint

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #23 on: May 13, 2007, 09:55:53 PM »
Hey Bailey,
Here is a link to area resources
http://www.hivnetwork.org/hiv_aids_provider.html
it's a battle I'm sure you can win
good luck dude
Bob
6/11 VL <50   CD4 (9%)   CD8 (54%}

Offline AIDS2HIV

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #24 on: May 14, 2007, 12:05:36 AM »
Having been through 4 or 5 rehabs in my life. Even being told by judges lawyers, family and friends, that I was both hopeless, and helpless. I still continued my "self"ish ways.....I had went to AA for years, with the only realization that, here sat for the most part a bunch of drunks, who were of the majority, court ordered to be there, unwillingly.

I have also found that many groups become stagnent and complacent. I went to jail so much, so often, the jail bus would drop me off at the sheriff station upon release, and the driver would always say..." See ya next week, Cochise"....and at that time, he surely did. My birthday was always a week long celebration, and in my rural area it was no secret...

Back in 98, during the week of my birthday, I got 3 DUI's within 5 days. And thank God for that. I used to be a gun totin, put up or shut up kinda guy, jail was my 2nd home, courtrooms my own circus. I once got 90 days in the hole,for bringing a manure shovel into court, and proclaiming when asked why..."I heard the shit in here was so deep, one must bring their own shovel" anyways.....

Years after all the rehabs, the jails,the guns,and the drugs, the AA meetings, I got those 3 DUI's within 5 days, I had a lucrative trade of many facets to feed those choices for "self" ...a dealer, a pool hustler, a dart hustler, barroom brawler, blah blah blah....My lawyer had said, that instead of the state mandated felony charges for habitual DUI offenses, mandatory prison time,etc. of which I had already had plenty of in my life...He said to me...."You know, Cochise...when we go to court for these, because the was so close together,each time the run your license through it will come up as a first offense".....and I said to "SELF": if could get 3 first offenses, instead of a felony....then surely I will quit drinking and drugging. THEN i said the same to my lawyer....

As it unfolded, I DID get 3 first offenses, and no jail time. And THAT was the last time I have drank....( since then my specialist had asked me in the past to drink some red wine to help balance my cholesterol, because I am not a cantidate for the cholesterol meds, I took one sip, and nearly puked. So i took other avenues, harder to achieve YES, but less toll on "self"


I used to get laughed at, at meetings when I said..." I am an alcoholic and my problem is Cochise" What they found to be funny, and flamboyant, I found to be the truth. The 12 steps of any self help program are all of the same foundation. Alcohol,drugs,sex,violence,destruction, arent the problem....but instead simply symptoms there of. When what i call bare-assed honesty (the stripping away of all the non relevant stuff) and dealing with the root of the problem, self. Is when "self" got better...Unfortunately 2 things must occur to bring about a change of self (1) we must hurt bad enough to motivate us to change self (2) then we must follow someone else awhile until we are able to be a leader for our"selves"

Here's a few things that are key to  bringing about "Independance of self" I have learned

Being honest with self about self, and telling on self to others, truely does, set you free. Taking your own personal inventory instead of taking someone elses, is vital.

Your level of serenity with "self" in directly connected to your personal level of acceptance. Acceptence of both: your "self" and of others. In other words...the higher your level of honesty and acceptance, the more serenity you will have in your life and your "self"

Believing in a Higher Power, or something GREATER THAN your"self" is mandatory, without it you will fall right back into self-centeredness. The ten foot tall and bulletproof frame of mind.

You must be able to admit when YOU are are wrong, or have wronged another, and be willing to admit it AND accept the truth and the response of telling it, regardless of whether or not those you have wronged accept your apology, or decline your apology.

Never forget Two things: where you came from, and that it was YOUR BEST thinking that got you where you are at with "self"

I leave you with this: Alcoholism is not a disease you suffer from, it just the excuse you use for the disease of "self-centeredness". Simply removing the alcohol will not change who you are, or how miserable you have made yourself....Assertive/Aggressive ACTION is REQUIRED to change one's self. I am not here to be an example for you, but instead for my "self"........working on, and successfully changing "self"....is THE most difficult thing you will ever do.......even more difficult from suffering with HIV/AIDS. When you fully accept your "self" and your actions, other will too, but it is not important what others think of you, what you think of you, is important. you are the one who must Live in your skin, no one else does, they have thier own to live in.

Good Luck to you, and know that I am proud of what you have done so far in your taking of the first of the 12 steps......Admitting your were powerless over alcohol (or "self") and that it has made your life unmanageable.

this isnt something that ya finish and everything is Glorious, its a daily task, you must be willing and humble enough to embark upon...The decisions you make, determine the consequence/reward ya get*...and their is no one to blame or credit for those, except for YOU. If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting...do good, get good...do bad,get bad...remove the labels, and include yourself into another's shoes, and walk them for awhile, it is through that you will learn that you arent as bad as you credit yourself for* Take Care, and Good Luck

It was only when I came to the realization that every taught within the rehabs and meetings,etc had to actually be applied in all my affairs, including and especially OUTSIDE of those meetings, that I truely became free.

I need to end this as I am struggling to type due to the progression of the disease and the ramifications it has done on my nervous system and my brain...but if you would like to talk more feel free to email me, or PM me, or what-not.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2007, 12:09:27 AM by AIDS2HIV »
Its the future of Hiv Education, and Resources www.aids2hiv.com      Got Community?

Offline milker

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #25 on: May 14, 2007, 12:49:16 AM »
aids2hiv, I cannot relate to your story, I never had a DUI and I drink alone. I think Dingo's story is very similar to me. He's extremely bored and for some reason that I cannot explain yet, drinking makes the boredom go away, even though drinking or not drinking the actions are the same. If I do not drink i'm super duper bored, however, when I drink I don't do anything new than when i'm super duper bored, but it doesn't seem the same.

aids2hiv, your story is powerful, but different from mine, and I believe different from Dingo's. I'm glad I didn't have to go thru what you experienced. It's interesting what you say about AA and confirms that I do not want to attend those meetings.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline david25luvit

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #26 on: May 14, 2007, 04:13:19 AM »
Bailey...

             Indeed alcoholism is a big problem among gay men....  Personally I was a functional alcoholic for years.  It took meeting David to
             realize what I was missing being intoxicated.  But you sound like a dear friend of mine Jerry who had to be hospitalized three times
             the last time with pancreatitis before he put the bottle of scotch down....and he never had to go to rehab.  Outpatient or In.  The
             doctor told him if he went back to drinking he would DIE... and for him that what it took to make him stop drinking.  And Bailey he
             was an alcoholic for over thirty five years.  Addicted to Scotch which I understand is the most addictive liquor in this country.

             I believe the only way you're going to stop drinking....
             and this is only an opinion...
           
            is to get into a support group with AA and to change your routine and the people you ordinarily hang with
            ....since chances are... they're still drinking.  It takes a serious commitment to stop
             an addiction....and I should know I have been an intravenous drug user and an alcoholic. 
             And I believe you can do it......
« Last Edit: May 15, 2007, 08:45:07 AM by david25luvit »
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline DanielMark

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #27 on: May 14, 2007, 04:52:56 AM »
Reviewing this thread this morning, it came to me just how similar alcohol abuse and HIV really are. Both have no goal other than to make us sick and eventually destroy us, and neither one cares who they do that to.

Hang in there Bailey. You’re on the right path.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline AIDS2HIV

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #28 on: May 14, 2007, 11:47:32 AM »
aids2hiv, I cannot relate to your story, I never had a DUI and I drink alone. I think Dingo's story is very similar to me. He's extremely bored and for some reason that I cannot explain yet, drinking makes the boredom go away, even though drinking or not drinking the actions are the same. If I do not drink i'm super duper bored, however, when I drink I don't do anything new than when i'm super duper bored, but it doesn't seem the same.

aids2hiv, your story is powerful, but different from mine, and I believe different from Dingo's. I'm glad I didn't have to go thru what you experienced. It's interesting what you say about AA and confirms that I do not want to attend those meetings.

Milker.

I am grateful that you can't relate, as I led no "model" life. again, regardless of the labels, even "boredom".....is remedied by a change in "self"....not in anything else*
And please dont mistake what I say, the AA "program" REALLY DOES WORK...but YOU have to put it into ACTION in your daily life (not by the number of meetings you attend), but the reality of the meetings.....while few are genuinely there on their own, the vast majority are there against their own personal will, whether it be a court that directs them there, Fear of loss, such as divorce etc. The meetings are a good place to go and learn the basics building a new you, however....your world outside those meetings, is the place to apply those basics, the real work, and real rewards/consequence relies soley upon personal levels of both: "self" and "willingness" ...and applying them to your daily life*

Things of this nature we all have different stories, but the one thing we do share....we all have the same root: self. Even if ya tear the old root up, and plant a new seed, it still roots into "self".....plz excuse any brain-gliche induced typos, or words left out in any of my posts, its a common part of "me" now a days.

to be honest, I used to tell myself, I wouldnt drink again, unless my ass fell off......and for a long time, as i searched for an excuse to have a drink, instead of dealing with "self"....Many times I had to look into the mirror, to confirm my ass hadnt fallen off.  ;D
Its the future of Hiv Education, and Resources www.aids2hiv.com      Got Community?

Offline pozattitude

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #29 on: May 14, 2007, 01:50:27 PM »
Bailey,

I feel your pain.  When I was first diagnosed I turned to alcohol to get through the day.   To be honest, I didn't think I would be around for too long and I just wanted make it a numb as possible. 
Once I started the right meds, my body just doesn't handle liquor as it used to...I get sick when I drink now and I am very glad since I believe alcohol is terrible for us POZ.
I found things to keep me busy, so I don't get bored or start thinking too much, such support groups, community involvement, activism.  I also began to treat my depression which was the root cause for my drinking.

POSITIVE PEDALERS... We are a group of people living with HIV/AIDS, eliminating stigma through our positive public example.

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #30 on: May 14, 2007, 05:05:38 PM »
Wow,
You are really brave to post this! It is clear you have what it takes to get better and fight this.

Best of luck to you. I am really pulling for you.
Positive since 1985

Offline BT65

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #31 on: May 14, 2007, 05:24:15 PM »
It's interesting what you say about AA and confirms that I do not want to attend those meetings.

Milker.

Hey-don't let something someone says keep you away from a program that's worked for millions of people!  I only know one person who has been able to stay sober without a working 12-step program.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline blondbeauty

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The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline milker

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #33 on: May 14, 2007, 06:57:27 PM »
edited
« Last Edit: May 14, 2007, 07:02:52 PM by milker »
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline planonstaying

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #34 on: May 14, 2007, 07:18:46 PM »
When I first attempted to get sober in 83' I failed  for 2 yrs.  In 1985  I said outloud at an AA meeting it just hadnt  worked for me.....some guy who looked 90 to a 23 yr stood up and said " AA works fine if you listen.  There  was a brief time post surgury I struggled again in 2002  but it really has been good for me.  The change I made  was LISTENING. Whne I og t a suggustion like don't  go to bars  I thought of it as a suggustion  like " bring a parachute  if you jump out a plane" I finally had learned i knew how to get high not get clean. and I needed  to stop saying "I know" or " I dont need to do that". 
If someone tells you  potential consequences of a behavior  it  doesn't  mean they jude you or mit    they may just give a shit about you

Offline Life

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #35 on: May 14, 2007, 08:33:12 PM »
Anyone who has been through the steps know it is via "Attraction rather than Promotion".   I knew the steps and the program were out there, but I had to be ready to want what these others had - "Sobriety"...   It has to get bad enough before anyone is willing to deal with an addiction.   In time you either deal with it, or it deals with you in a not so pleasant way...  Here is small excerpt from the BB which i always found helpful...

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/chapter_3.html
« Last Edit: May 14, 2007, 08:35:18 PM by Life »

Offline HIVworker

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #36 on: May 15, 2007, 12:10:57 AM »
Bailey,

Quick question. Does the inpatient thing mean that they will say it is depression and try to put you on antidepressants again? I remember how crap they were for you last time. Is there a way of finding out what the inpatient treatment would be so you can discount things that already haven't worked?

I know, I'll bugger off...

R
NB. Any advice about HIV is given in addition to your own medical advice and not intended to replace it. You should never make clinical decisions based on what anyone says on the internet but rather check with your ID doctor first. Discussions from the internet are just that - Discussions. They may give you food for thought, but they should not direct you to do anything but fuel discussion.

Offline Peter Staley

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #37 on: May 15, 2007, 07:58:08 AM »
Hey gang:

Bailey has started his requested 60 day Time Out.  Being an addict myself, I know first hand how tough the road ahead is going to be for Bailey, and I'll be keeping him in my thoughts as he takes on this courageous path of self-reflection and potentially profound change.

He sent me an email last night, asking that I post something for him to this thread.  Here it is...

Quote
"Thank you all for your support and suggestions.  I have read all the PM's and message and they have been invaluable.  I am currently away on a 60 day time-out that I requested while I begin dealing with this.  Those PM's and messages of help and support have been so valuable to me even if I didn't get to respond personally before the 'ban'. 
 
I am currently investigating a number of different treatment options available and doing my homework. 
 
Many of your posts brought tears to my eyes.  I know that this isn't rock-bottom, but I don't want to get there.  It just makes the climb that much harder.
 
I will keep my blog updated with what's going on and my email is vidblog@gmail.com for any suggestions or words of wisdom."


Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #38 on: May 15, 2007, 08:36:42 AM »
It's wonderful to read all this support here for Bailey.

Cheers to him and to all his friends here.
Andy Velez

Offline david25luvit

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #39 on: May 15, 2007, 08:47:30 AM »
OMG What have you done now ::)............See you soon Bailey :-*
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline milker

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #40 on: June 10, 2007, 09:32:08 PM »
It's been almost a month, I cannot find dingoboi's video blog to see how he's dealing with his addiction. Anyone has news?

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Dachshund

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #41 on: June 10, 2007, 09:37:32 PM »
That's very personal. Maybe we should allow Bailey to post when and if he is ready.

Offline milker

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #42 on: June 10, 2007, 09:44:11 PM »
I was just hoping that everything was going well for him :)

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline DanielMark

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2007, 01:35:32 AM »
I believe he is still on his requested 60 day Time Out (see Peter Staley's post above).

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline RapidRod

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #44 on: June 11, 2007, 05:28:38 AM »
Bailey, good luck to you. I know you can do it if you set your mind to it.

Best wishes,
Rodney

Offline heartforyou

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #45 on: June 11, 2007, 05:38:54 AM »
Bailey,

You can do it baby.
It is going to be a rough ride, but it will also be the only road to a better life.

One day you will look back and be proud of yourslef.

Love you

Hermie :-*
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline Tempeboy

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #46 on: June 11, 2007, 05:52:52 AM »
Hey babe,

Gentley does it, take it easy, be kind to yourself.

Try to avoid the H.A.L.T.'s

H = hungry
A = angry
L = lonely
T = tired

They can all worsen the craving.

Plus, drink plenty of water and eat plenty of carbs (potato sandwiches rock).

Love and hugs.

J x
Roughly roundabout somewhere in the eighteenth or nineteenth century, Sodomite begat Homosexual out of moral, medical and legal models, bequeathing him Identity, who inbred with Nuclear Family and Industrialism to spawn Homophobia.

Dean Kiley

Offline david25luvit

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Re: I need help with my alcoholism.
« Reply #47 on: June 11, 2007, 11:40:21 AM »
Hey Bailey...

                   To combat any addiction one must first be committed to the idea.  Even if you get inpatient treatment for your alcoholism..
You're going to have to face the outside world eventually.  Those involved in AA have sponsors or someone they can call if they feel the
need for a drink.  Have you considered asking someone to help you with your addiction?  Someone who doesn't drink...?  Keep in mind
some people replace one addiction for another....  Also can you afford to be out of work for two weeks?
But if you really think in-patient treatment would help and your insurance will pay....DO IT!
But be committed before you do..........

Wishing you much luck for success.........Let me know if I can be of assistance.
You may ignore me but I would never ignore you...I'm here for you!
Good Luck!
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

 


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