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How long did it take you to adjust?

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This is perhaps an odd question as I'm sure it may be an ongoing struggle for many of us. My curiosity is not really about acceptance. It's more a question of when you felt you had rearranged your life to an acceptable level regarding being diagnosed with HIV.

I think one of the most overwhelming parts of being HIV+ (aside from a fear of being alone the rest of your life) is to what degree one must change their daily routines. I imagine a fair portion of us may have been 'party people' to some degree and such a lifestyle doesn't really fit with this diagnosis.

Personally this has been a major struggle for me. I started going to the gym alot after my diagnosis, but that has unfortunately slacked off. Then my car was stolen last I have no way of really getting to the gym at all (I can't take the bus to the gym 4 times a week). Now I'm trying to figure out how to adjust to working out at home. I need to go buy some weights...but again, no car, no time to take the bus where I can buy them. Also, smoking and drinking were quite a part of my old life. I made alot of headway in the first six months but it's all fallen apart. To be honest, after continually trying to quit smoking for 9 months I'm a bit scared to death to try and quit again. I know all too well at this point what a nightmare it is. I figure if I could get back to working out alot I could start leveraging smoking and drinking out of my life again...they certainly don't go well together.

Then there's eating. I eat horribly. Sometimes I only eat twice a day. I've been a silly bachelor for way too long. I tried to start cooking 7 years ago when I moved to Chicago. It didn't take long for me to cause a fire and I gave up. I have tried again a few times but with my work schedule I always feel way too worn out to deal with it. I've never been a big eater. I've tried to increase the amount I eat but I always just seem to run out of time to deal with such things.

11 months into all this I feel like I've just embarked on a never ending cycle of failure in trying to move forward and confront what I have from a daily living perspective. I think often feeling like I'm failing in this change feeds into my sadness, remorse, loneliness and depression...which makes me want to smoke and drink more and on and on it goes. Vicious cycle.

Am I expecting too much from myself in this period of time? Please share. I'd like to hear other's stories.

brian (who is happy he at least finally cleaned his apartment tonight)


--- Quote from: otherplaces on June 26, 2006, 01:15:37 AM ---brian (who is happy he at least finally cleaned his apartment tonight)

--- End quote ---

3 cheers for cleaning, 3 cheers for reaching out & being honest, 3 cheers for Brian & Brian's courage!

i was a party person, certainly. now, basically i've found other addictions that are less harmful to my body e.g. aromatherapy, researching holistic stuff via magazines or the web ... do you know kate moss had to go for auricular acupuncture to treat her drug addictions? that's needles inserted into the outside edges of your ears ... it's used for smoking cessation too. i get it done 3x a week for $10 a session, so $30 a week - comparable to booze or cigarettes but it's not harmful

hey --it ain't your fault your car was stolen. just remind yourself you have to eat good food (no ifs ands or buts) especially since you're lifting weights 8)  wishing you the best! (as in, no more kitchen fires etc!)

It only took me a few months since my pos diagnosis. The day I received my result, I was floored like every1 else wud b, but I knew that my life HAD to change. I quit smoking awhile ago, but I still do drink. I used to drink like a fish, but had cut back to a glass of red wine a night since. I was also a 'party person', ingesting all those party drugs, but have stopped. My bf in London, keeps on saying, "Someday I will regain my strength to go out partying again", but I highly doubt that. I feel that I have done my share of partying to last me awhile. I now go to the gym very religiously. I have also begun going to church, something that I have never done b4, and carrying a rosary; although I am not Catholic. I feel doing both of these gives me the strength and comfort that I need to continue life as usual. I also have changed my eating habits as well. I used to eat only small portions several times a day. I still eat those small portions, but I do know that I cannot eat close to the timeframe that I usually have to take my pills. I have done that b4 and did not like the outcome.
Every now and then, I have relapses and feel bad or ashamed that I got this "bug". These relapses come and go, but I always think back on how much more my life wud b different if I did not have this. It gets sad and depressing and I usually have taken that energy out on cleaning. hope this helps!


9/27/2005-1st test results
Viral Load >1,000,000
CD4 204
CD4%age 18
CD4/CD8 ratio .23
11/24/2005- Sustiva/Truvada
Viral Load 140
CD4 402
CD4%age .21
CD4/CD8 ratio .39
Next appt.-06/27/2006 (lab results)

Interesting question.

Since I found out I have AIDS in January, I have been doing 50 push ups twice a day, 300 sit ups a day as well as taking multiple vitamins;, etc. a day.  3-4 days a week I hike about 3-4 miles up and down hills around my house.

I think it's more or less trying to fight the good fight against this illness.

I want to win this battle...what can i say?  i'm a stubborn person.

Take care,

I got infected November 2005. My first labs in January 2006 showed cd4 154 and vl 600,000.  The doctor tried to explain to me that it was not yet aids because I was going through what doctors termed "primary infection".   In fact two months later cd4 climbed to 205 without meds.  Now I almost feel nothing.

What hurts me most is the feeling that I was a fool.  That I should have known better.  When I see all the other healthy people around me and I feel jealous!  I start asking questions like: "Why did this happen to me?"  I even removed the mirror from my room because I am terrified by the prospect of loosing my muscle (I went regularly to the gym for bodybuilding).  I end up crying because the chap who infected me wanted to do sex with me because I was a bodybuilder.  I was also attracted to him .... Now I feel lost.

My suggestion is reading holistic stuff.  I carry on myself a rosary beads (even though I rarely pray it).  I went to Pompei sanctuary, the santo in Padova, and to the shroud in Turin, to the Possenti shrine at the Gran Sasso Abruzzi, to the Gesu Nuovo in Naples ....   

Then read interesting books about holistic stuff.  And pray and hope that better medicines will be developed in the future for all of us.


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