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How often do you have "one of those days?"

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Blixer:
I've been pretty quiet on the boards for a while and it's been a few weeks since I've shed any tears or had any significant anxiety over my diagnosis/condition but today was one of those difficult days. Nothing like some of the earlier ones, but I have felt somewhat overwhelmed by it all. Maybe it's that feeling of lonliness and not having someone. Maybe it was going to the Pride events in St. Louis, being among those 80,000 people and knowing I was different this year. Maybe it was seeing the Missouri Health Initiative slogan "Prevention is the Cure" and knowing that isn't the cure for me. Maybe it was seeing the van offering the free HIV tests. Maybe it was seeing all of those other seemingly carefree individuals. Maybe it was just the fact that I have this virus in me that hides itself so well. Maybe it was looking at my pill box this morning and knowing I would have to take these things for the rest of my life. Maybe it was the realization that right now I'm not able to do all of what I want to because of the meds side effects. Maybe it's the problems I've had with the meds that just won't seem to totally go away. Maybe it's a fear of the future and what it really does hold. Maybe it's knowing that whenever (and if) I meet someone I'm interested in I have this disclosure I have to make that may cause them to walk away. Maybe it was a combination of all of it or any number of other things. Maybe you need one of these days now and then just as a reality check. But it did bring on the tears during my drive back from St. Louis and it has significantly heightened my anxiety level. Will I cycle though this every now and then? Is there a trick to get my mind focused away from this? Or is it something I just need to learn to deal with?

Just pondering and trying to work through this. Any thoughts or solutions?

randym431:
Hey guy. We all do have "those" days. Even before hiv I had "those" days. Wondering if I was getting anywhere. If I was getting ahead. If I would really be happy. Then hiv came into the picture. I actually have fewer of "those" days now than before. I guess I know it could be much worse. I cant imagine being hiv before meds were available.
Now, having an illness, you pay more attention of others with illnesses. Not so much hiv, but diabetes, and other health problems. And I see others having a much harder time than me, hiv or not. I just don’t like the "those days" when I just feel icky for no reason. Maybe its the meds, or the weather or just working for a living and never feeling you are getting anywhere.
But "those days" do pass and after a while you expect "those days" from time to time. And now I more so just poo poo them. I may be having one of "those days", but I know it will pass and can I really blame it on hiv or the meds? Maybe its just me???
So I muddle thru it and try not to pout so much. I'd bet getting a job working in a nursing home or with sick children, and seeing others fighting  to get thru each day, would make my problems seem so much smaller. But... a good subject you brought up.

jerry:
David, I understand what your going through also and many many others on here probably feel the same as you and I. We just got to try and live every day as though their was no tomorrow. Today with all the meds we all take and too those that don't take it is not like it was back in the 80's. Today we are living and we come on here to talk too one another it is like our home away from home. Don't ever feel sad we all are in this together. Also 75% of the people on here are single just like yourself me included.

Everyday I log on here to read what someone else has written that their life is so awful. I live in the country of Virginia. Here there are no ASO's. My ID doctor is an hour drive from where I live. Friends well that is a good one there my friends are on here. I live alone and deal with damn aggravation with my family everyday and wish that once I could just pack up what stuff I had and say good bye to my family here. Time goes on and I try to live day by day with this disease the best way I can. I would love to take the time and get to know each and every one of you on here but it is just hard trying to talk too certain people on here.

With the upcoming Gathering we will be having maybe I can at least put a face with a voice that I can only see on here everyday. I got a chance to meet a few back in November of last year just for a weekend. Total strangers but they were just like you and me. Everyday day people, just because we all have this dreaded disease doesn't mean we have to all be strangers on this site. The old site was a wonderful place but here lately this place feels very different. I too just log on and read certain threads on here and if we all could take time out of our daily routine and tried to respond to each thread that is way to impossible.

So anytime you want to talk to any of us on here please feel free to chat away. Most of us on here have our email, or messenger on most all of the time.

You take care and you always have a friend and family member on here that cares for you.

Later Jerry

Eldon:
Blixer,

I know where you ar coming from. We all have those days whether you are HIV or not. To me it is a day when you reflect on life, who is with you, what you could have done differently, and so on.

Partly the depression has a role to play on this. I have my days not so often but once in a while and I ask myself some of the similar questions that you have. Try to join a support group or talk with your Therapist, or even just find yourself a "buddy" to talk to.

Things are good and they only can get better.

Joe K:
Hey Blixer,

We all have such days and you will probably have them for the rest of your life, but you can change how you react to them.  When my head starts spinning, I have to slow myself down and do reality checks, to make sure my imagination has not just taken over reality.  Sometimes I think these days are good, because you shed so much raw emotion, but they are still very hard.

I wouldn't look for a remedy so much, as a way of just moving through those times and trying to identify what you can change and letting go of those things that you cannot.  Life doesn't always have to be as hard as we try and make it.  My point is there are no ready answers, only finding what works for me.  For moods like that I'll rollerblade for hours, with my favorite music and by the time I'm done, the mood is gone.

It'll also gets better with time.  I used to blubber when I thought of my dead friends, whereas now I can write Blog entries about the experiences.  Give it some time, it will get better, I promise.  Until then, you know where to find us.

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