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Author Topic: Relationships  (Read 7248 times)

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Offline Blixer

  • Member
  • Posts: 712
Relationships
« on: May 09, 2007, 08:42:50 PM »
I've found it very difficult to even begin to think about dating and relationships since my diagnosis.  I know others have mentioned this too.  I've felt a bit isolated and I know I do part of it to myself.

I ran across this song and it so reminds me of what I'd like to have.  I felt it, at least once.  But it has been a while.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uA-ld8g-b5o
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Relationships
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2007, 09:16:31 PM »
David "You are Beautiful in my eyes"

Love,

Eric

Offline BT65

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2007, 09:40:10 PM »
I also find it hard to date.  A relationship to me right now seems like it would be a lot of work.  I guess that feeling just comes from the relationships I've been in.  The last one I was in, the guy threw me down a flight of stairs and it crushed my sinuses and I had to get a titanium plate put in my upper jaw.  So that leaves me skeptical.  But eventually I would like to find someone to share my life with.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline belief

  • Member
  • Posts: 72
Re: Relationships
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2007, 10:19:00 PM »
ugh.  dating.  the thought of finding that passion and peace i once had about life...one where love was the most important thing and was all i needed to survive...it all sounds so wonderful and so incredibly difficult all at the same time.

i think that one amazing person will walk into my life when i'm least expecting it, and i'm sure he will for you, too.  it will take time, and it will take longer for some of us...but it will come.  i think all we can do right now is focus on ourselves and make ourselves stronger...our time will come.

5/07 - viral load: 28,890  CD4: 514 
8/07 - viral load: 38,710  CD4: 451
9/07 - viral load: 47,000  CD4: 467
11/07 - viral load: 17,600 CD4: 421

Offline Longislander

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  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Relationships
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2007, 10:53:18 PM »
Hey David, same here. Of course I do go out, and I've met more potential dates than before I was positive. Right now I'm talking to a guy who happens to be a nurse. I wonder his views on dating a + guy.... ???

But before disclosure time, you still have to deal with phone tag games and crap like that. That part didn't change because I'm pos.

I had the near perfect man once. I let it end. I thought I would never have that feeling again, but I did. I'm counting on feeling it again.
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Relationships
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2007, 04:40:30 AM »
Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear

Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOhb7uc8IGU

I bet love will come your way when you are prepared to meet the challenges of a relationship David, and probably when you least expect it.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Blixer

  • Member
  • Posts: 712
Re: Relationships
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2007, 01:13:20 PM »
Thanks for all of your comments and encouragement.

Thanks Eric!  You have always been a real doll.  You and William make such a great pair!

Betty, I totally understand what you are saying.  I know a relationship is a lot of work and maybe I"m not ready for that right now.  I know during the first year of my diagnosis I wasn't.   I know we all have things to be thankful for but just like you "eventually I would like to find someone to share my life with."

Belief--the dating part is a pain.  And in the past year I know I've had some guys that were interested that I ran from.  I still may be doing that.  But I also think I have a giant fear of rejection and so I'm not yet to the place where I can risk that.  Maybe I will soon.  I'm sure ready for that "one amazing person" to walk into my life.  He might have to whack me on the head to get my attention right now.  But I'm so ready.

Longislander,  I've had the feeling before, but I"m not sure I've ever had the near perfect man.  Maybe I just didn't notice it.  Maybe I just didn't hang on long enough.  But I sure do hope I find that feeling again.  It was so great!!!!

And Daniel, you always have such good comments.  Thanks sweetie!  I hope you are right about the issue with Love.  Sometimes I just feel so frustrated that maybe the things I'm doing are the things that keep it from happening.

Last evening one one of those evenings when I was very retrospectful.  I did a lot of thinking and of course, I was at home alone as normal. I've spent way too much of my life keeping busy with work.  I may not know how to break out of that and find something more.  I've always enjoyed work, but I also know I may be like Mark in Rent and hiding in my work.  I guess I need that someone who has the patience to make me feel safe and then help to draw me out.  At least I'm pondering things for now and trying to take some steps forward.
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline Iggy

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  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Relationships
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2007, 01:31:12 PM »
I know this may be seen as semantics but for me it isn't an issue of dating but an issue of trust.

I've had two serious relationships in my life and the first one only saw me as an item on his check list of things to acquire while the second one panicked and abandoned me when my world started to crash.

Yet it is not because of them that I don't date.

And the trust doesn't have to do with others.

I don't date because I don't trust myself yet to not rely on another for my purpose.  I still got some things I want to accomplish about myself right now and I need that energy and focus for me and me alone.

It may sound a little selfish, but in hindsight based off of my past experiences I think it is the most giving thing I can do right now is to take care of me so I'm not waiting on another to do it.

Offline Life

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  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Relationships
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2007, 02:07:14 PM »
David, I am just a bit older than you and I found myself wrapped up in work and that was all there was for a very long time.   For me, that life was very hallow and shallow.   I tried to fill it with things and stuff and that would never last.   I chose to go out and start banging on doors and engaging with anything or anyone who would talk to me.   There was a long line of dates and deep interactions.   For me, I was not looking for that perfect outside which I knew would never last, but the best perfect inside (heart and spirit).    This went on for years.   I was happy WHILE I was searching.   I was happy when William popped the question...  David I think you are just saying to yourself that you are ready to engage and be "out of the gate".   Sure, your pet is with you for life, but that is no reason to post pone a joy that you have been looking for even prior to living with this...   It takes a great guy to talk about wanting to live your life, live your life with someone.   It is a commitment I must say and even though I get scared because of what may or could happen, I would rather do it with someone else.   That's the way I feel today.....   You will find him David.  Your to dang cute and have to big a heart not to share it with someone else!!!

Hugs,

Eric
« Last Edit: May 10, 2007, 02:09:44 PM by Life »

Offline bear60

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  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Relationships
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2007, 06:15:04 PM »
HI David
Nice to hear from you. I wish you all the best in your search for "a lover". But just to add to what everyone else has said, I know that a lot of the single people I know have at one time or another joined a gay activity group: one was a swimmer, several were singers or dancers and so on.  They joined a swim team, a choral group and a tap group respectively.  We have lots of sports groups here: softball, bowling, and lacrosse or soccer etc.  I know that looking for a date is not reason enough to join a chorus, but if you enjoy doing something and meet other people who also do, in the process, it seems handy for dating.  The availability of that sort of thing is random I know, so I don't know what is available to you.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2007, 08:20:51 AM by bear60 »
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Blixer

  • Member
  • Posts: 712
Re: Relationships
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2007, 12:20:18 AM »
Iggy, I totally know what you mean by the trust thing that you mention.  And that may be part of my issue.  I know the times that I was hurt so badly in a relationship was because of me depending on them for my purpose. I have to have my own.  I do know that the HIV thing comes into play for me too.   I know I'm the same person, but I"m not sure how to handle any type of dating relationship while being poz.  But I am working on it.

And yes Eric, I am ready to be out of the gate... again.  I've been there.  I know how good it can feel. I've not let myself go there for a long time. I probably got this virus I now share residence with because I was hiding from something significant and only let myself dealve into the surface sexual relationships.  If there was the chance of anything more, I ran.  And it worked for me for that time, but it didn't get me where I wanted to be.  It got me something I would rather not have.

And Bear, unfortunately I work 200 miles south of St. Louis in a small town of 1,100 people.  I'm only in the city on weekends.  So that makes it way difficult to be involved in any type of social activity with any significance.   Of course, after my board meeting tonight it may be a sign that it is time to make that giant change in my life and look for new employment.  Maybe I'm getting the nudge I need.
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline northernguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,347
Re: Relationships
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2007, 01:37:38 AM »
Is there something bad going on at your job?  I hope it hasn't been stressing you. 
Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Relationships
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2007, 06:57:15 AM »
Sometimes I just feel so frustrated that maybe the things I'm doing are the things that keep it from happening.

That could be, David. If you aren't emotionally available because of trust problems that would tell me you're not really ready for a partnership kind of relationship. I would suggest working on that first before entering into a relationship where trust and openness are required. Otherwise, it could lead to problems of a worse sort. Iíve done that in the past too many times.

I donít mean to sound discouraging or patronizing, but remember that real life is nothing like the movies. Problems arise in any relationship and you want to have the best possible skills to deal with them when they do. There are no perfect people or perfect matches either. The most anyone can wish for is to meet to meet someone whose ideals and desires mutually match up.

The Buddhists have a saying that says when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I believe that goes equally for potential life mates.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline jupiter

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: Relationships
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2007, 08:17:21 AM »
Dating is hard. and perhaps sometimes harder for us. For me its about Trust. Ive had some bad relationships and I find it hard to trust again and yeah sometimes the effort can be all too much.  Someday.  When The time is ruight. I so know how you feel. Your a nice guy. As the very wise Daniel Mark said :)

Offline jordan12

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Relationships
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2007, 01:28:56 PM »
Recently having gotten discouraged with dating, disappointment is what propelled me to find more support than I have had in the recent past.  Did the phone tag, get to know one another and then nothing following my disclosure of my status.  Nothing, no email, Nothing.   It is hard enough without no response at all. 

One of my friends felt that if I needed to disclose it was my business but that everyone should be safe in their sexual practices that status should not be a factor, he is neg.   

All of the comments have been helpful for me.  I can/will be discouraged by the actions of others but I know that I am still a good person with an illness, not the illness.   I want to believe that when I least expect it,  a person will enter my life that I can spend the rest of my life with. Dating will be on hold for awhile so I can recover my optimism again.

Life is too short for dram and petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly

Offline angelofdreams

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
  • dreaming away
Re: Relationships
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2007, 02:59:14 PM »
hey guys,
maybe a message to make you all think diferent about dating.
i met a guy a while ago and even though he is 7 years younger then me has his head screwd on very well.
he is not shallow minded at all and his first words were that he didnt mind wether i had hiv or not,
its not about hat, he said.
you will find someone that cares about you and not about what others think
xxx
To live would be a awefully big adventure

Offline sweetasmeli

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,052
  • Love what you are...
Re: Relationships
« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2007, 12:30:30 PM »
Hi David
Iíve been following this thread for a few days now. Because I donít know you and donít know your history, itís pretty impossible for me to comment on your situation. But what I can do is share my own experience/thoughts, in the hope that it may help you somehow.

I've been single since March 2004. Itís my first time single since the age of 16 (Iím now 35). I swear I have done more growing and have learnt more about myself in the past 3 years than I have at any other point in my life. And although I know a lot of that is connected with coming to terms with my diagnosis, I also know a lot of it has come from me finally spending quality time on my own.

Iggy shared some wise words on this matter:
I don't date because I don't trust myself yet to not rely on another for my purpose.  I still got some things I want to accomplish about myself right now and I need that energy and focus for me and me alone.

It may sound a little selfish, but in hindsight based off of my past experiences I think it is the most giving thing I can do right now is to take care of me so I'm not waiting on another to do it.

I don't actually see such an approach as selfish. I see it is as self-fulfilling and self-preserving. I think self-analysis and quality time spent on oneís own is a crucial part of self-growth and, more often than not, such analysis is more effectively done when we are alone. The more whole we are as individuals, the more we have to offer in this life.

I personally am not dating because, for the first time in my life, a relationship is no longer the most pressing thing on my agenda. (Wow! That feels so cool to type those words and know that I truly mean them!). Since my diagnosis 4+ years ago, Iíve had a couple of drunken one night stands (where I used protection and didnít disclose, cos I wasn't ready to), one date (where I disclosed and he just about left skid marks sprinting off into the Greek sunset) and a complicated Ďthingí with my Greek friend here (that turned out to be an awful emotional train wreck of a journey, that was much better just left well alone).

Looking back I can see that not one of those Ďdabblingsí was fulfilling or nurturing for me in the slightest. They all stemmed from patterns of behaviour Iíve been repeating since the age of 16 and all they did were punch away at my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth, which were pretty much rock bottom to start with. It took a long time for me to recognize and own this, but once I did, I finally said enough!

For the first time in my life Iíve stopped the search, the pursuit for Mr Right. Not because I think he doesnít exist or because Iíve given up on the idea, but because itís just not a priority any more on my list of Things To Do With My Life. Plus I sucked at it anyway, lol! Spent way too much time and energy pursuing way too many wrong Ďuns!

Iím more into taking and enjoying the quality time to look after myself for a while. Iím learning about myself, what I like/donít like, what I want/donít want et al. And itís turning out to be a pretty awesome and enlightening part of my life journey!

Iím more all for Ďthe right one will come along when youíll least expecting ití approach nowadays. My eyes are still wide open and Iím looking, but Iíve stopped searching, if that makes sense. Not to mention, my standards are pretty sky high nowadays! I still have some issues with trust (another good point Iggy and others touched on), which will no doubt be challenged and dealt with if/when I meet someone. But Iím not worried about that; Iím working on it and in the meantime Iíll cross that bridge if/when I come to it.
 
There are things I miss about being in a relationship but there are things I don't miss too. And there are things that I have learnt about myself that I didn't know before. For instance, I actually love living alone. Any person I let into my place of abode (to actually cohabit again) would have to be someone extraordinary to warrant letting in now, I can tell you! Iím choosy enough about who I allow to visit nowadays, let alone who Iíd allow to stay!

Itís cool that you enjoy working. But Iím getting mixed messages whether you actually enjoy your current work. Be careful that all your overtime isnít serving as a continuous distraction from any problems, or the problems will surely catch up with you. But you seem to be aware of that possibility already. 

I can empathize about the isolation. If you really are lonely, perhaps you need to address that before the loneliness grinds you down. I donít mind being alone but I do mind being lonely. And, whether youíre single or not, thatís where family and/or friends come into the picture. Spend time with those you care about. Lean on them. Be there for them. And enjoy them. Love and great company donít just come in the shape of a relationship!

Iíve spent a lot of the last 3 years alone; but, at some point, alone changed into lonely. Now Iím acutely aware of it, Iím addressing it and making the necessary changes. Because whereas I can do alone quite happily, lonely is another matter entirely.

I believe life is way too short to stay in any situation that isnít enhancing our happiness.

Melia
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Relationships
« Reply #17 on: May 12, 2007, 02:57:38 PM »
My eyes are still wide open and Iím looking, but Iíve stopped searching, if that makes sense.

Melia,

I read your post with great interest because we seem to have taken similar paths in life. After I split with my ex of ten years, I swore off any more intimate relationships for about three years too. I did date a few guys but either my heart wasn't in it, or theirs wasn't.

I completely agree that having time alone to work on us is really important, and that when we have ourselves (our likes and dislikes, wants and needs and especially our expectations I think) sorted out, we have more to bring to a love relationship.

Loneliness is probably one of the biggest problems we have to deal with today, even tho we have more opportunities to share with others.

As Lily Tomlin once said, "We are all in this together  . . .  by ourselves."

Thank you for the best thing I've read so far today.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline puertorico2006

  • Member
  • Posts: 957
Re: Relationships
« Reply #18 on: May 12, 2007, 03:17:40 PM »
Relationships are too much work, positive or negative...but im bitchy, bitter and jaded at the moment so maybe thats why im anti-relationship at the moment  ;D
Infected Probably: may 2005
Diagnosed: 11/2006

11/28/2006 CD4:309 / VL: 1907 No meds yet
12/27/2006 CD4:339/  VL:1649 No meds yet
  4/28/2007 CD4:550/  VL:1800 No meds :-)

Online Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,665
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Relationships
« Reply #19 on: May 12, 2007, 03:32:03 PM »
What worked for me was determining what I would not tolerate in any relationship and after that, everything else was negotiable. Unfortunately it took me almost 12 years to figure that out, including a very abusive relationship, but it did make dating so much easier.  I also steeled myself against rejection, because some people will reject you for various reasons and you cannot take that personally.  We do the same to others, so don't be offended if you just don't spark the other person.  For that reason I always met my dates for coffee or a drink, so a quick escape was readily available and if you clicked, then you made plans for later in the day.

I believe you must see yourself as worthy of a relationship and that means that you need to work on your own issues, while also making yourself available to work on the relationship.  I shudder when I hear someone refer to their partner as their "other half" because I have to wonder, were you not whole before the relationship and if not, why not?  Further, if you need someone to complete you, then you will just drain energy.  I want and need a partner that compliments me, because I have been my own person for a very long time.

If you decide to pursue a relationship, go in with your eyes open.  There is a vast difference between being in lust or love.  The lust will eventually wear off and as my grandmother used to say: "Always pick a mate that is a good talker, because in the end that is what will carry you through."  Looks and beauty can fade, yet it will never diminish how you see your partner, as love has a way of adjusting our perceptions.  Face it, no relationship will ever be perfect or easy.  It takes a lot of work, but that's a very small price that can reap rewards for decades.

Stephen, my husband is the best friend, lover and husband that a man could want.  I can see through all the physical issues and I love what I see.  I believe that it is our deep love and affection for each other that allows our relationship to be so enjoyable.  We click.  We REALLY click. I suppose it is through our commitment that we are able to weather the storms of health, depression and the stress of daily living.  We remain very flexible and sometimes that means that you don't get to do what you want, but in the long run, who cares?

I believe that you are ready for a honest relationship when you can surrender your heart to another.  The trust that involves is inviolate, and while you may hesitate, you will never achieve full intimacy unless you drop the shields and let someone see ALL of you. One day you might find yourself longing for someone and all I can offer is that you pursue your dream, especially when the chips are down.  Believe in yourself and the rest will come.   
« Last Edit: May 12, 2007, 03:40:51 PM by killfoile »

Offline mudman8

  • Member
  • Posts: 115
Re: Relationships
« Reply #20 on: May 12, 2007, 06:20:48 PM »
Well I had a lover in my 20s to 30 then left him as it had turned sour. I moved a lot, got back into school for a masters and found out I was poz in 91 upon graduation. I'd never had more than a few dates mostly sex with guys in that time and 25 years since my lover. I seemed to find my best friends who are poz thru groups of different kinds and I socialize with them. then internet dating (sex) cut teh crap at bars but find guys that want it a couple times then they're gone. Last year I stumbled upon a poz man that is wonderful but with huge career and not finished with his old partner (still living in the same house). Ugh! I fell in love. But only get to see him every other weekend for a few hours, I should drop him, but I get crazy and depressed thinking about moving on. He comes by as often as possible and is quite sweet and thoughtful tho I think there's no future I'll just ride this one out.

Before I"ve had guys that came over for sex and not hve time for anything personal. I even had one guy say I really like you for sex but I don't want to date you, just sex. I never got back to him. Dating these days is just so tricky .
Life is analog

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Relationships
« Reply #21 on: May 13, 2007, 03:48:50 PM »
I shudder when I hear someone refer to their partner as their "other half" because I have to wonder, were you not whole before the relationship and if not, why not?

Good point Joe,

I also believe if you are not your own best friend first, you'll make a lousy best friend to any one else.

Some grown-iup observations from the mouths of babes:

What makes a relationship unhealthy?

"Unhealthy relationships make you feel suffocated. It is also bad when someone limits what you can do and who you can see."
ó Anna, 17

"Sometimes people just think physical abuse is unhealthy, but verbal abuse is also really bad. So is breaking promises and being unfaithful."
ó Ben, 19

"You shouldn't depend on the other person for happiness ó you have to be happy from within."
ó Alex, 18

"There are a lot of things that are unhealthy. One is being forced to do things you don't want to do. Others are if someone ever threatens you, is dishonest, tells lies, or cheats on you."
ó Jessly, 16

"Not feeling like you can express your feelings with someone is a sign that there are problems and the relationship isn't that solid."
ó Carolina, 15

"Distrust makes a relationship unhealthy and weak. Another real problem is when one person has more power than another person."
ó Roman, 17

"Abuse, cheating, and lies are some signs that a relationship is not healthy."
ó Jordan, 18

"A relationship is unhealthy when there is no love and your partner doesn't respect you or is rude to you and puts you down."
ó Stephanie, 17

"Not communicating, not trusting someone, and not paying attention to the other person's feelings are unhealthy ó especially if you are dating."
ó Daniel, 17

"When a partner is too clingy and can't do anything alone or doesn't want you to do anything without them."
ó Liz, 16

"If either partner is exploited or taken advantage of, then it is unhealthy."
ó Stephanie, 16

"If there is mistrust or secrets in the relationship, then it is doomed. Also, if one partner pressures the other, it is unhealthy."
ó Jason, 17

"Abuse is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It is also unhealthy when the other person makes you sad all the time."
ó Stephanie, 15

"If one person betrays the other consistently and they still stay together, it's probably not a sign that the relationship is very strong."
ó Javier, 15

"When someone avoids dealing with issues or won't be honest about a problem."
ó Joey, 17

"Long-distance relationships aren't always unhealthy, but they can be more likely to have problems. Another problem is when friends butt into a relationship and cause problems. "
ó Ashton, 18

"Dishonesty and cheating are unhealthy. "
ó Anton, 16

"Manipulation, dishonesty, a lack of trust, not enough time spent together, and being disloyal are not healthy."
ó Natalie, 16

"Physical and mental abuse are obviously unhealthy, but so is not understanding each other, not being there for each other, and not trusting each other. "
ó Emiliya, 17

http://www.teenwire.com/infocus/2006/if-20060310p422-relationships.php

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Life

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  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Relationships
« Reply #22 on: May 13, 2007, 09:45:20 PM »
I sometimes get lost in relationships and I still do.....   

I hope we can all find our way....

Diana Krall sings "A case of You"   This sorta sums up how I am feeling tonight......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGrsc5FeQDs

Eric

Offline dufusmaximus

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  • Posts: 34
Re: Relationships
« Reply #23 on: July 15, 2007, 10:51:13 PM »
Does any one use the POZ dating service on here? I've started, gotten a few responses, but then chickened out and took my profile offline temporarily.  Is POZ just like craigslist, but where the guys at least admit they at HIV+ or is it more? I'm hoping since they have many of the same dramas that I do that we'd have something to share, a baseline if you will? Or I should eHarmony and wait for my rejection email??!? :)

Offline david25luvit

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  • Member since March 2005
Re: Relationships
« Reply #24 on: July 16, 2007, 11:34:16 AM »
Great Song David....and its true.
Back when my David was in hospice and weighed about 75lbs he was still
beautiful in my eyes....such was the depth of emotion, the love I felt for him.
Thanks for sharing this with us........ :-*
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline bear60

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #25 on: July 16, 2007, 12:18:20 PM »
Well, now I know why you are lonely.  You are "house poor".  Meaning you spend all your money renovating your house.  ....and all your time.  AND it occupies a lot of your memory space in your brain.  I guess its a choice one makes.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline PJC0510

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  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: Relationships
« Reply #26 on: July 16, 2007, 08:33:18 PM »
If you really want to date then get out there and date! 

Do not be afraid of your HIV to not date.  I could be wrong here, but it may seem that subconsiocusly you are using this as a reason not to date!

I was scared too, but then I realized that I am not going to have someone walk up to me at home and knock on my door and say "Hey Peter, you wanna go on a date?"  I had to make it happen.

How many times have we been rejected prior to HIV?  We are not the only ones afraid of rejection!

Okay, good luck!  Have a great day! 

Peter
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline Blixer

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #27 on: July 16, 2007, 11:37:07 PM »
Bear, yes, the house does take up way too much brain space... my goal is to get the second floor finished and take some time off from working on the house.   And I realize it is a choice... we make lots of choices...   

Peter, you may be right that subconsciously I'm using HIV as a reason not to date.  In my experience, I've found that about 50% of the guys that I disclose to, disappear.  But that leaves 50% of them.  I find that the younger ones are often more accepting than the older ones.  Maybe part of it is that I just keep my distance for fear of getting hurt.  I'm learning.  You have made some big steps...   My last relationship was very destructive on my self esteem.  It took me a long time to begin to get over that.  And maybe its still the fear of that that keeps me more on the sidelines.   With my work being in very rural MO and my house being in St. Louis and only being in the city on weekends, that also has an impact.  And again, maybe I'm just making excuses.  I keep thinking that I just need someone to come and take me out......   Being very shy also has an impact...   I know... I'm the only one that can change these things....

David, I do want to find that person who is Beautiful in My Eyes no matter what.  I think I just have to have some prodding and coaxing.....   
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline bear60

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #28 on: July 17, 2007, 09:25:34 AM »
Hey Blix....sounds to me you could use a "house boy" ...so din din would be on the table, the laundry done and the floors shining when you get home ....oh and the bedrooms are painted.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Florida69

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  • Posts: 428
Re: Relationships
« Reply #29 on: July 17, 2007, 10:48:19 AM »
David, I am so sorry that feel alone, but so you know you are never alone.  I hold my friends close, and I consider you to be that.  Hopefully you still have my digits, give me hollar and chat me up sometimes.  The thing that I have learned is that you have to keep moving in the direction that is necessary for you.  Be good to yourself, and allow yourself to live, the shell can be detached as you very well know.  With that said, I will share my experience and what has been going on with me on the relationship front.  Whether you know this about me or not I am seeing someone, the relationship although I know that I love him there is always something to be desired.   We have been seeing each other for over five years now, when I was diagnosed last year, I am so grateful that he tested negative, but we have separate lives and I live alone.  In telling this story about this wonderful man many many people have chimed in to tell me to dump him.  He has truly been a savior to me, not God like but friend like.  First and foremost we are friends. His issues are his issues and I keep in mind that he grew up on the other side of the pond, so there is a big culture difference and he is in the closet and is loyal to his Muslim religion.  I know many will say he is not a true Muslim, but who in life really lives eats and breaths any religion and are not obsessed being the good "Muslim" or simply being a hate monger.  In this day and age, we have people who claim to be Muslim but are turning out to be suicide bomber, after reading through the English version of the Koran and doing a little research on Muslim religion; I can assure you that these folks can not be loyal to their faith.  The thing to remember about all religion that God is still God, whether you refer to him as Allah or God, I will move pass the religious lesson in saying it is all about acceptance.  You have to accept what is in front of you, and find a way past the pain.  If my friend and I decided tomorrow that it was time for me or him to go our separate ways we have learned something from each other that consists of respect, caring, companionship and love. With all that said, let me tell you that I have never and I do mean never had a man be so very good to me, anything I could possibly want (my tastes are simple) he will do everything in his power to ensure that I have it. With that said what do I desire?  I miss being married, I miss the part of the relationship where I wake up in his arms, and I am able to kiss him good night every night.  It has absolutely nothing to do with sex, even though he has been great lover, the physical act is few and far between. In fact since my diagnoses we have only had sex a handful of times, most of that is my fault of fear for him, and I have to be honest sex has always been about comfort and consideration for me and my partner.  He did take it upon himself to educate himself so that he is protected.   I am not in that place, so I know that at some point in this life I may have to let the friendship overshadow the relationship.  Before I met this special person, I was in a long term (married) relationship with someone that I loved; but he was abusive (mentally and emotionally, never physical because remember I am a red neck at heart), petty and self absorbed.  He lacked any drive, therefore it was I who carried the relationship, and I will tell you I was more miserable with him that I have ever been alone.  It finally came to a question, how much must a person endure and forgive.  It is the only relationship I ever ended in my entire life that finished badly, as I could care whether I ever see him again.  That is a story for a beer and a face to face conversation.  He is a public person in the area, and has had a hand in causing me grief with others long after the end of our relationship, I forgive him, but I will not endure his foolhardiness again.  For this reason it makes my not wanting to socialize in the community easier to appreciate.

My point in writing this long post was that lower your apprehension not your standards.  Give yourself the ability to learn, adore and grow, but remember that not all relationships are cookie cutter, there have to be a lot of concessions.  I have learned although it may not be the relationship that you want, but it may be the relationship that is right for you. 

I hope you know I think you are a truly beautiful person inside and out, the right man will come along, but in my opinion you have your heart guarded.  Live, laugh and love is a philosophy that I have always followed in just that order.  I would marry you, but that would mean hurting someone that I care about, so maybe I am in the same boat as you just fishing off the other side.   

Know you are loved my friend and I miss you terribly.  HUGS TO YOU.  D
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

Offline PJC0510

  • Member
  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: Relationships
« Reply #30 on: July 17, 2007, 10:52:40 AM »
I keep thinking that I just need someone to come and take me out......   

If you are ever in Chicago, let me know!  I can show you around the City!

I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline bearby

  • Member
  • Posts: 41
  • April 2007
Re: Relationships
« Reply #31 on: July 17, 2007, 01:00:34 PM »
OYE VEY
 I have now had the same understanding man at my side for  the past 21 years and he has yet to faulter about my care or medical maladies no matter what the cost or difficulty ( and this is the same men that held my hand ( I guess to keep me from decking the dr when he gave me the news or so I  told him I thought that was his reason to  have been holding my hand ) and since then I have seen him thru quarduple heart by pass surgery as he has seen to making sure I take my meds on time ( even if he has to call  from the road ( he is now a regional trucker ) which we have btoh taken to asking each other at the usual med times if the other one has taken his meds which has worked out for both of us very well since we found out this past christmas he is also a diabetic as welll ) so we  do things hand in hand and here y'all are fussing about  not being able to find mr or ms right all ya got to do is turn over a few rocks and dig up a few stones beacuse I found my man only a block from where we now own our home so I  literally found him right in my back yard .
Have you preformed your random act of kindness today ?

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #32 on: July 17, 2007, 08:01:49 PM »
OYE VEY ... ... and here y'all are fussing about  not being able to find mr or ms right all ya got to do is turn over a few rocks and dig up a few stones beacuse I found my man only a block from where we now own our home so I  literally found him right in my back yard.

Bearby,

I'm not sure what you are trying to tell those of us who would like to find a partner / spouse, but have not yet.  Are we "fussing" (whining?) too much about it?  Are we not trying hard enough?  Are we looking in the wrong place?  I'm not sure how else to interpret your post above.

I think it is awesome that you have had a great man at your side for 21 years.  But your experience in finding a partner will not necessarily apply to or work for others.  Well all have unique situations, everyone must find their own way, and there is some element of chance involved. 

That said, I'm always interested in learning how people met their partner, as I often find them inspirational. Care to elaborate on how you met your man?  I'm sure you didn't find him under a rock.

Regards,

Henry

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Blixer

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #33 on: July 17, 2007, 10:56:10 PM »
A "house boy" might be nice Bear...   Did I mention that the guy delivering the shingles on Monday was totally hot... LOL...  oh, I digress... oh well....

Thanks for the encouragement D!  You are a sweetie.  You are so right about the expectations and the standards.  I don't want to lower my standards.  And I do realize that a lot of my issue is that I'm just plain scared. I'm scared to put myself out there again.  I'm scared of rejection.  And I am working on that.  I know I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to finding someone.

I love Chicago PJC... don't know much about it... but my couple of trips there have been nice.  I need to plan another one.  It is only a 45 min flight or a 5 hour drive from St. Louis.

Your story is cool bearby... you have that special relationship and that is great!  You are both there for each other.  I've heard that you find "the one" so often when you aren't looking.  Ok, I quit looking...  or so I think I did...   And I agree with  Henry that it would be nice to hear some of the "meeting" stories.  They can be inspirational.  One thing I have learned is that there are places where you can meet people that it probably isn't the best idea to start dating from....   
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline queenie

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  • Posts: 18
Re: Relationships
« Reply #34 on: July 18, 2007, 08:06:49 AM »
how many good relationships did u have without hiv.

some people here should be glad to be alone, the other person is probably better off ;D

just dont feel like anyone has the right to look down on you.  they are not paying your bills
and you dont know what is wrong with them.

i turn neg men down, because they act like they are doing me a favor.
and the poz men, think we are meant for each other even though he is an idiot ::)

keep a smile on your face, and batteries by the bed :D

Offline PJC0510

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  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: Relationships
« Reply #35 on: July 18, 2007, 04:20:07 PM »
I am so seriious Blixer, let me know when and if you ever come here!
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline Blixer

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #36 on: July 18, 2007, 11:20:31 PM »
I'll do it PJC... maybe sooner than later... I"m feeling really stressed at work...  these 13 to 14 hours days are taking their toll...
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline PJC0510

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  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: Relationships
« Reply #37 on: July 19, 2007, 03:48:59 PM »
All work and no play makes Blixer a dull boy!

Need to not work so much!

Take care ~  Peter
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline Blixer

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #38 on: July 19, 2007, 09:22:39 PM »
All work and no play makes Blixer a dull boy!

Need to not work so much!

Take care ~  Peter

I totally agree!!!   But then again, when you work in rural MO during the week, in a town of 1100 people... life tends to be dull on its own.  If it's after 9 PM not even the gas station is open.
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline red_Dragon888

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  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: Relationships
« Reply #39 on: July 20, 2007, 07:24:19 PM »
thanks, that was great.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

ďNeither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline bearby

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  • Posts: 41
  • April 2007
Re: Relationships
« Reply #40 on: April 09, 2008, 03:42:01 PM »
NO Henry I did not find him litteraly under a rock .
 I was introduced to him  by a former who I thought was going to be my mr right and  foreverpartner ( who btw turned out to be a real schmuck ) .
 Well long story short I went back to visit him when ever I could since he worked third shift most of the time  and I worked second and had a 25 to 30 mile drive home each night therefore me getting to see him wasn;t all that easy until that ONE night he threw his  house keys to me and  told me to go to his home and get me some sleep there instead fo trying to drive that long a distance when I was working only a 20 minute drive from where he worked ( home was in the other directin no less ) so I headed his advice and stayed the night met him the next morning at the door with the smell of  frying sausage and toast ( he had run out of eggs the night before he said ) and then  took a shower went merrily on my way to work then home that night to which when I got hime he had called asking me  to come stay the night  with him since he was off .
 Well that was the beginning of the past now 22 years of us being a couple and he still says that I courted him  not tha we hooked up or so much as dated but I did sleep  with him for well over three months  before we ever commited any act of sex and here we are still together so maybe that old thing of courting and gettting to know the other person n a real time basis isn't all that bad  ;D
Have you preformed your random act of kindness today ?

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #41 on: April 09, 2008, 04:40:15 PM »
I also find it hard to date.  A relationship to me right now seems like it would be a lot of work.  I guess that feeling just comes from the relationships I've been in.  The last one I was in, the guy threw me down a flight of stairs and it crushed my sinuses and I had to get a titanium plate put in my upper jaw.  So that leaves me skeptical.  But eventually I would like to find someone to share my life with.

Dearest Betty,

I have been down the flight of stairs (2 weeks after getting home from the hospital- PCP/AIDS).  That was 12 years ago and as of last year, being touched still made my skin crawl.  There was also 3 fractured ribs from other abuses (same person, same year).  There was a time when sleeping soundly would be interupted by having my face beat up in bed hearing "eat my hole you fucking whore", the court hearings, the abuse to my credit accounts and the failure of my abuser to show up for court.  I have spent over 8 years alone with just me and Kaiser (my dog) and now I have found Walter, I can finally let it all go.  ;D  Have the best day
Michael   

 

Offline Desertguy

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #42 on: April 09, 2008, 08:32:25 PM »
I quit trying to find a - along time ago.  I dated a few woman & as soon as I told them it was a disapearing act!

Only talk with the +'s now I think I have found a good one but yes relationships are hard.

LOVE starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR.
DON'T cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
Good FRIENDS are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
ACTIONS speak louder than words.
The HARDEST thing to do is watch the one you love ,love somebody else.
DON'T let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.
LIFE'S SHORT. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.
Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it. BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.
When it HURTS to look back, and you're SCARED to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS. Friends are FOREVER. Good friends are like STARS You don't always see them, but you know they are ALWAYS THERE.
DON'T frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Most people walk in and out of your life, but only FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.

Good Luck to all I think we all need someone in  our hearts.

Dennis

Offline BT65

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #43 on: April 09, 2008, 09:19:28 PM »
Relationships are way too much work and I'm resolved to staying single.  Unless a very wealthy (I mean unending cash), extremely beautiful woman comes along. 

But Michael, I'm happy for you.  You deserve a good go.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline AlanBama

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  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Relationships
« Reply #44 on: April 09, 2008, 09:22:55 PM »
David honey, you would be a great catch for some lucky guy.   Hang in there sweetie, your time will come.   A little advice from an old guy:  the two major relationships of my life (one 14 years) happened when I least expected it, or was not trying to actively date or meet anyone.   When I have dug in, and "hunted"...nothing ever worked out.

Just sayin....

hugs to you,
Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline DCGUY2007

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  • Posts: 315
Re: Relationships
« Reply #45 on: April 09, 2008, 10:41:22 PM »
I can relate seems dating is difficult. Wish I were dating too. But hey there are always friends. Sometimes friends even last longer :-)

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Relationships
« Reply #46 on: April 11, 2008, 09:53:28 AM »
Relationships are way too much work

hear effin hear   :D :D

if i ever find one that isn't work, well, that'd be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

 


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