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changing yourself: what did you do, what have you done?

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CalvinC:
Hi all

Another day of doing all the do things but I can't connect with everyone; they're all at Pride, and I've decided not to go this year. I get painfully lonely in the crowd. And what do I get? Lonely anyway.

I'm wandering around the city, in a lot of pain: one moment it's the ex, the next it's really just about being lonely and having hiv. And I'm angry, thinking, F**k, how pedestrian,"being lonely." And I've sadly realized I've spent a good chunk of my 47 years going from park to bathhouse to washroom to relationships wherein the other guy is not really available, all in order to stave off that loneliness, but becoming only all the more lonely. And now here it is, finally, staring me in the face.... oh my god it hurts.

I wander into a record store and the first thing I hear is Man in the Mirror, which I found I've never really listened to before. It starts "Im gonna make a change, For once in my life." And in that prosaic simplicity spilled out what I'm in the middle of right now, making changes *for once in my life.* All the other attempts were largely cosmetic; this is the real thing. I'm in it.

And since I have to now take care of myself, I really hear the song's words: "Im starting with the man in the mirror / Im asking him to change his ways." And I have decided to respond with YES. Please say a prayer for me that I'll get through all this pain.

Andrew (apologies for the blog-like nature of this)

Man in the Mirror: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/michael+jackson/man+in+the+mirror_20092566.html


jordan:
Calvin:

Hang in there....things will get better.


I understand about the power of lyrics.  Coincidently like the day after I found out my test was positive for HIV... I remember I had VH1 on the next day because I had to go to work like nothing was wrong and Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" video played - I remember just crying.

But then I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said I must keep going.  The song and video really resonated with me (even though it's been a tad overplayed here in the States).

Dachshund:


Andrew,
 I admire your honesty...and it does not take a parade to be proud of yourself.

Peace,
Hal

Biggums:
Andrew,

I also applaud your honesty.  Gosh I have been where you are at and still am in many ways.  It is so easy to live as a "victim" when sometimes the only person keeping you back is yourself.  Your post makes me want to make changes also.  Thanks

anniebc:
Hi Andrew

First of all, never apologize for writing down how you feel or for being honest, that's what the forum is all about, if we don't know how you are feeling or how you are coping with life then we can't help you.

We have all looked in the mirror at one time or another and  haven't always liked what we see, but we have the power to change that, all we have to do is use it, we are all stronger than we think.

Sending you love and prayers from NZ.

Hugs
Jan

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