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I need the advice of long term survivors

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My son is very upset as he has a relationhip with a neg person and during relations the condom broke. He is very upset as he does not want his boyfriend to get HIV. He feels that he has to stop t he relationship for the sake of his boyfriend as he feels it is selfish for him to put his boyfriend at risk. Yes, his boyfriend knows my son is positive.
If my son's viral load is low does this reduce the chance of infection from this accident?
I told my son that his boyfriend has stayed with him knowing he is positive and he need not stop the relationship. . He thinks it is selfish to have his boyfriend stay in a risky relationship. I advised him that he needs to talk this out and give his partner a chance to decide also. My son thinks that if his partner's MD has him take the medications to prevent HIV that his boyfriend will be so upset he will want out of t he relationship anyway, after all the side effects of the meds. I think my son is just so very scared that he has caused an infection in someone he cares about. Can anyone give me any advice? I think this was a good place to post this concern as one of you may have gone through something similiar and can give me some input. Thank you. I am sad for my son as I kn ow he is feeling so alone and does not want to cause any harm to anyone else.

Your son's bf has up to 72 hours to get on PEP. He should go to the Dr and get his guidance. Most doctors will consider the VL in determining if PEP should be started. 

Hello ,

Just want to agree with Rod ( Above) For more info on PEP, click on the link below :

 There is only "safer sex" I have learned this very well. My partner is HIV negative, and I have been positive since 1985. In all that time, we never encountered a broken condom. He has never had to go on PEP.  But, much of what we do sexually has changed  through the years, because I  intend on keeping him negative,and healthy,... so we try to keep the risk factor as minimal as possible., but try to keep each other sexually fullfilled. Other risks factors also, determine what we may do sexually.

--- Quote from: motherinneed on April 30, 2007, 07:29:14 PM --- He feels that he has to stop the relationship for the sake of his boyfriend as he feels it is selfish for him to put his boyfriend at risk. Yes, his boyfriend knows my son is positive.

--- End quote ---

I know exactly how your son feels, I've been there. It is precisely the way I felt many years ago, when I tested positive. I told my partner back then, that it was probably best that he move on, well,... we are still together, through the bad and the good. We're there for each other. Close to 27 years together.
I will probably private message you with more information, but your son's relationship, with his BF does not have to end, but your son and his partner have got to be completely aware of the risk involved.(which I am sure they both were)

It's going to take a lot of communication and understanding, between you son and his BF. Your son needs to be open and honest about his feelings, and his needs just as his BF, needs to be open and honest, about his feelings and needs and his fears. There can't be any holding back here ! I encourage you son and his BF to keep talking, and be there for each other.

But, we need to take it one step at a time. And the first thing to do, is to get your sons BF to a doctor, so that a determination can be made. Hopefully this has already occurred or is in the process.


Edited to change link

Hi "Mother",

Listen, the things you have presented here, are things that many of us have had to live and deal with for years.  My sweetie was HIV- when we met 19 years ago, and he still is.  Like Ray, I have also had my share of feelings about the tremendous responsibility that the HIV+ partner must carry in a serodiscordant relationship, but let me tell you and your son, the work and time is totally worth the effort. 

To say that the relationship should end because of the danger, is not fair to either your son or his partner.  I would strongly advise that they both work this out and have a real sitdown talk about how they are going to face the future; that under any circumstances is not a guarantee.  Unfortunately these days, the world isn't exactly a nirvana of healthy societies, and to place limitations on relationships due to things that can be controlled and can be dealt with, is just one more negative thing to place in the mix.  I hope this isn't too confusing, but please let them know that the happiness we find in this life is very tenous at best, and we need to nurture relationships and help them grow healthy and happy.  This can only be done if both parties are communicating and growing together.  This means that your son will have to face the reality that he is indeed HIV+ for life and his partner has to also see the same facts.  Also, if his partner has come to a place of comfort with the discordance, then your son should accept that and move on. 

I hope this isn't too awfully confusing, but please re-assure him that he needs to come to a place of comfort with this relationship, and this cannot be accomplished by himself, it must include his partner.


Thank you so much for your input. I tried to let my son know that he needs to talk with his boyfriend and should not make the decision for both of them.  I know that if my son ends the relationship he will be very sad. His boyfriend is totally aware of the risks and he remained in the relationship with my son after the initial diagnoses.
J.R.E...I look forward to any advice you are thinking of sending me via private message as you indicated in your post.


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