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i'm not living, i'm just existing.

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belief:
i really hate the month of february.  it's filled with bad things.

the lawn needs to be mowed.

my son wants me to play.

i am so scared of being sick.

my ex-husband hates me.

it was a beautiful day today.  i remained inside.

my son no longer wants me to be his mother.

i am hiv positive.  this is all i think about and all i care about...i wake up and it's there.  i go to sleep and it's there.  i am so damn tired i can hardly drive across town without thinking of how badly i need to take a nap.  when are things going to feel normal again?  will i ever come to terms with being positive and be able to live a normal life...a fullfilling life?  one that allows me to dream again?  i feel so sad, but yet i'm so aware of all that's happening...it's like i'm looking in from the outside...viewing my life as i used to know it.

and you know what is so stupid? i'm getting divorced as i've already mentioned...my marriage was very abusive...thus the reason for the affair...which then led to the hiv - either way, right now i am thinking about how sucky it is that i was well on my way to emotional freedom from my ex...and now i feel like i'm right back into this shitty emotional prison. 

so...onto hiv and it's possibilities.  what is going to happen to me?  what kind of symptoms am i going to have?  i'm already as tired as hell and i always have a headache.  i'm extremely thirsty, too, which is odd for me. 

milker:
Ok Belief.

Take a deep breath now. Seriously. I mean it. Take a deep breath.

You have been diagnosed on the 26th, I'm not sure what you disclosed to your ex to be or your son (I read your previous posts), but calm down. You don't have to disclose to the entire earth, it's YOUR condition, and we will help you dealing with it. Other people don't need to know right now, this will come in due time.

You have hundreds, thousands, millions of questions going through your mind right now, and this is totally normal, we've all been through this. There is a point where you have to open your eyes and realize that you're not going to die tomorrow, you will life a full life, there will be ups and downs, and HIV is a big burden but it is something that we can live with, thanks to great medicine discoveries.

Please read the posts on here, if you need some links that will help you we'll gladly help you. You can message any member, I'm going to PM you.

Milker.

xyahka:
Hi sweety, well... i can tell you this, the first weeks are the hardest, but the thing you have to do is this... accept it and move on.

In some time you will realise.... hey i have hiv, so what?. I am doing my normal work, fighting with mom, fighting with clients, going to the beach, having fun, i am doing all i have always done... plus taking few pills more (not anti retrovirals yet). Still with it, you have to understand hiv is not just "one more pill in my life". I have questions.. i went to the beach this weekend and wondered if sun would do something to me, or salty water...  i am now much more aware of that i should eat more and i understand my body need to rest, i am aware i am more vulnerable to different diseases and that gets me afraid but i keep on living, come on... one can't catch all diseases at once... only if you don't look after yourself.

So, don't pay attention to what your son says, kids are always influenced by what they hear, perhaps the s.o.b of your ex husband is telling something, but i can tell you this... a son, will never ever stop loving his mother.... it just does not happen, despite what we say... and i can tell you that, i was a big headache for my Mom and said stupid things to her several times... but i know the day she is gone my world will just disappear again.

The feeling of being tired is normal for us, but you have to start adapting to it. For instance i go to bed earlier now so i rest more and during day i am not that sleepy, i try to eat better so i can have more energy, i know chocolate can wake you up so i am always ready for eating a bar of it some time during day, believe me i know you can get over this. I KNOW. In fact i could bet money for that cause i know we both will win. If we all believe in you... that only thing missing, is that you believe in yourself again.

You haven't done anything wrong, if you are divorcing from an asshole that is actually great!! lot of woman stand years and years of abuse, you are brave enought so say STOP. Well hiv can be also abusive if we let it, but we have to say STOP sometimes too. Take the control and remember, none and nothing can shape your life but you. This is the chance for you to prove yourself and to the world you are the strongest person they have met, and i know you will do so. I am with you!!!.

appleboy:
Hello Dear,
Things get better with time after you have had time to soak in what has been told to you.  Take deep breaths and relax when you feel like it is to much.  One thing I find when I am overwhelmed is to laugh.  Granted laughing can be hard and sometimes finding something to make you laugh is hard too.  I can tell you this you will be O K!  Don't forget we are here for the times when you need the little words of encouragement.  We are all here for you!
AppleBoy

Wolfhound:
Hey,

   The next time you're out and about, take notice of the senior citizens that are infirm and can hardly get around. The people in wheelchairs, people missing arms or legs, Think about those that are bed ridden from accidents, war, and domestic abuse. Visit a cancer ward at your local hospital were someone has just passed away as you read this. Diabetics, epileptics, parkisons, failing eyesight. Ecetera.  It will put what you're going through in perspective and today it's a managable condition. Your situation could be a lot worse than having HIV.

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