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Author Topic: i'm not living, i'm just existing.  (Read 3915 times)

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Offline belief

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  • Posts: 72
i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« on: April 29, 2007, 09:51:00 PM »
i really hate the month of february.  it's filled with bad things.

the lawn needs to be mowed.

my son wants me to play.

i am so scared of being sick.

my ex-husband hates me.

it was a beautiful day today.  i remained inside.

my son no longer wants me to be his mother.

i am hiv positive.  this is all i think about and all i care about...i wake up and it's there.  i go to sleep and it's there.  i am so damn tired i can hardly drive across town without thinking of how badly i need to take a nap.  when are things going to feel normal again?  will i ever come to terms with being positive and be able to live a normal life...a fullfilling life?  one that allows me to dream again?  i feel so sad, but yet i'm so aware of all that's happening...it's like i'm looking in from the outside...viewing my life as i used to know it.

and you know what is so stupid? i'm getting divorced as i've already mentioned...my marriage was very abusive...thus the reason for the affair...which then led to the hiv - either way, right now i am thinking about how sucky it is that i was well on my way to emotional freedom from my ex...and now i feel like i'm right back into this shitty emotional prison. 

so...onto hiv and it's possibilities.  what is going to happen to me?  what kind of symptoms am i going to have?  i'm already as tired as hell and i always have a headache.  i'm extremely thirsty, too, which is odd for me. 
5/07 - viral load: 28,890  CD4: 514 
8/07 - viral load: 38,710  CD4: 451
9/07 - viral load: 47,000  CD4: 467
11/07 - viral load: 17,600 CD4: 421

Offline milker

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Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2007, 10:05:54 PM »
Ok Belief.

Take a deep breath now. Seriously. I mean it. Take a deep breath.

You have been diagnosed on the 26th, I'm not sure what you disclosed to your ex to be or your son (I read your previous posts), but calm down. You don't have to disclose to the entire earth, it's YOUR condition, and we will help you dealing with it. Other people don't need to know right now, this will come in due time.

You have hundreds, thousands, millions of questions going through your mind right now, and this is totally normal, we've all been through this. There is a point where you have to open your eyes and realize that you're not going to die tomorrow, you will life a full life, there will be ups and downs, and HIV is a big burden but it is something that we can live with, thanks to great medicine discoveries.

Please read the posts on here, if you need some links that will help you we'll gladly help you. You can message any member, I'm going to PM you.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline xyahka

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  • Posts: 778
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2007, 11:57:07 AM »
Hi sweety, well... i can tell you this, the first weeks are the hardest, but the thing you have to do is this... accept it and move on.

In some time you will realise.... hey i have hiv, so what?. I am doing my normal work, fighting with mom, fighting with clients, going to the beach, having fun, i am doing all i have always done... plus taking few pills more (not anti retrovirals yet). Still with it, you have to understand hiv is not just "one more pill in my life". I have questions.. i went to the beach this weekend and wondered if sun would do something to me, or salty water...  i am now much more aware of that i should eat more and i understand my body need to rest, i am aware i am more vulnerable to different diseases and that gets me afraid but i keep on living, come on... one can't catch all diseases at once... only if you don't look after yourself.

So, don't pay attention to what your son says, kids are always influenced by what they hear, perhaps the s.o.b of your ex husband is telling something, but i can tell you this... a son, will never ever stop loving his mother.... it just does not happen, despite what we say... and i can tell you that, i was a big headache for my Mom and said stupid things to her several times... but i know the day she is gone my world will just disappear again.

The feeling of being tired is normal for us, but you have to start adapting to it. For instance i go to bed earlier now so i rest more and during day i am not that sleepy, i try to eat better so i can have more energy, i know chocolate can wake you up so i am always ready for eating a bar of it some time during day, believe me i know you can get over this. I KNOW. In fact i could bet money for that cause i know we both will win. If we all believe in you... that only thing missing, is that you believe in yourself again.

You haven't done anything wrong, if you are divorcing from an asshole that is actually great!! lot of woman stand years and years of abuse, you are brave enought so say STOP. Well hiv can be also abusive if we let it, but we have to say STOP sometimes too. Take the control and remember, none and nothing can shape your life but you. This is the chance for you to prove yourself and to the world you are the strongest person they have met, and i know you will do so. I am with you!!!.
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline appleboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 344
  • Just me!
Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2007, 03:02:18 PM »
Hello Dear,
Things get better with time after you have had time to soak in what has been told to you.  Take deep breaths and relax when you feel like it is to much.  One thing I find when I am overwhelmed is to laugh.  Granted laughing can be hard and sometimes finding something to make you laugh is hard too.  I can tell you this you will be O K!  Don't forget we are here for the times when you need the little words of encouragement.  We are all here for you!
AppleBoy
If you are walking down the street and your pants drop to your ankles bend over pick them up and keep on walking!
My Blog

Offline Wolfhound

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  • Posts: 18
Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2007, 05:58:39 PM »
Hey,

   The next time you're out and about, take notice of the senior citizens that are infirm and can hardly get around. The people in wheelchairs, people missing arms or legs, Think about those that are bed ridden from accidents, war, and domestic abuse. Visit a cancer ward at your local hospital were someone has just passed away as you read this. Diabetics, epileptics, parkisons, failing eyesight. Ecetera.  It will put what you're going through in perspective and today it's a managable condition. Your situation could be a lot worse than having HIV.

Offline belief

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  • Posts: 72
Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2007, 08:34:20 PM »

   The next time you're out and about, take notice of the senior citizens that are infirm and can hardly get around. The people in wheelchairs, people missing arms or legs, Think about those that are bed ridden from accidents, war, and domestic abuse. Visit a cancer ward at your local hospital were someone has just passed away as you read this. Diabetics, epileptics, parkisons, failing eyesight. Ecetera.  It will put what you're going through in perspective and today it's a managable condition. Your situation could be a lot worse than having HIV
.

wolfhound...you scare me.  or should i say...you've scared me into believing hiv isn't so bad?  gosh.  you're tough...but remember i've been that person who was bed ridden from domestic abuse.  yeah, i have all of my arms and legs and i'm not stuck in a wheelchair at the moment, but it wasn't pretty.  i had the shit beat out of me and i just feel like there was finally a moment that came when i was able to break free from that life.  i finally put an end to the shit i accepted as "normal" and got out.  i know hiv will be better than that.  really, i do.  but i do believe each person views each situation differently and as each day passes, it is more acceptable to me and i know i will be ok.  it was just a little shocking right off the bat...
5/07 - viral load: 28,890  CD4: 514 
8/07 - viral load: 38,710  CD4: 451
9/07 - viral load: 47,000  CD4: 467
11/07 - viral load: 17,600 CD4: 421

Offline milker

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Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2007, 08:47:33 PM »
Woflhound, hey,

next time you're out and about, take notice of HIV people (oh wait you can't, they look so healthy, after all HIV is just like a cold, it's just a pill a day).

Yes there are people dramatically suffering from other diseases, but maybe you should read the forums with a little bit more of attention, and see how many HIV people are actually in bed, suffering, dying. How can you be so insensitive to someone that has just been diagnosed and is trying to deal with all the mental and physical problems that HIV  brings to her?

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Wolfhound

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2007, 06:48:18 PM »
Hey Man,

  I buried about twenty five friends and associates that died from AIDS in the 1980's,  I used to drive them to treatment. Fed them, wash them. Made life as pleasant as possible in their last days.  I resigned from a very good job to take care of a dear friend I had known since third grade.  I left this job, drove across country back to my home town to take care of him, ( and others), I spent five years unemployed taking care of  these friends dying from this disease.  They're now all gone. I've seen the people you are talking about, probably at a time when you were just getting out of high school. as a military veteran it's just one side of death I've witnessed. I still say your condition is managable, and it could be worse. It's not pleasant to hold a person in your arms as his or her life slips away. 

Offline milker

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Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2007, 06:53:04 PM »
no problem wolfhound, your post was just a bit unpleasant in its tone. I know what it was like in the 80s, and I don't like to compare death counts, but be assured that I know what you're talking about.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Wolfhound

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2007, 07:15:25 PM »
Hey Lady,

   I don't mean to scare you. I just live in the real world. Not the one in Orlando where that that big mouse lives with his cohorts. I'm sorry to hear about your physical abuse. If you were my sister, your husband would be in an 'untenable position' and I would probably be in the big house, along with about four of my seven brothers.  Stay strong. I've walked away from  four major car wrecks and a plane crash ( none of them my fault),  I've taken care of a lot of friends and associates that are no longer here. It's frightning at first but just keep it together, keep to your center, and know this, you have a support system. We're here. 

Offline belief

  • Member
  • Posts: 72
Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2007, 09:43:32 PM »
Hey Lady,

   I don't mean to scare you. I just live in the real world. Not the one in Orlando where that that big mouse lives with his cohorts. I'm sorry to hear about your physical abuse. If you were my sister, your husband would be in an 'untenable position' and I would probably be in the big house, along with about four of my seven brothers.  Stay strong. I've walked away from  four major car wrecks and a plane crash ( none of them my fault),  I've taken care of a lot of friends and associates that are no longer here. It's frightning at first but just keep it together, keep to your center, and know this, you have a support system. We're here. 

thanks wolfhound...the support here really is a wonderful thing.  i'm really trying to keep it together but God, some days i really struggle (like today).  i've been crying my eyes out for a better part of the day and i just can't stand myself this way.  i will wake up tomorrow with a new attitude - that's just the way it works.  regarding the abuse...i'm a survivor.  it screws with you mentally more than physically - really.  and i do have two brothers that would have loved to get their hands on the ex.  :)  but i'd hate to see either one of them in prison...

and really?  a plane crash?  how on earth do you survive a plane crash?
5/07 - viral load: 28,890  CD4: 514 
8/07 - viral load: 38,710  CD4: 451
9/07 - viral load: 47,000  CD4: 467
11/07 - viral load: 17,600 CD4: 421

Offline Wolfhound

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
Re: i'm not living, i'm just existing.
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2007, 10:03:53 AM »
Hi, 

   I'm not sure how I survived, it was in Japan, I was in the military then, the plane lost it's hydrolics and we had to crash land on the belly of the plane. We couldn't drop the landing gear. We slip about three hundred feet and caught fire. Our crew of eight got out before the plane was engulfed in flames. But, you know, you'll feel better if you focus on others. I mean, take care of something ( plant or animal) or another person. It's ok to cry, and feel sad, or bad about what you are going through, but bear in mind negative thoughts can hasten any disease and contributes to compromising your immune system. Please get into the habit of giving and caring about others.     
      Presently I'm living with a blind dog. He came into my life last Christmas morning. Someone dumped him on the road about a mile from my house. I was out walking my dogs that morning when we saw him. He came up to me and just dropped to my feet as if asking 'please help me'. He was imaciated, just skin and bones under his brown and white fur. He probably would not have made it another day if my dogs and I had not come along that way that morning. I cried, picked him up and carried him back to the house. After a check up at my vet and a few shots, food,vitamins and a bath he's doing fine. I'm not a very religious person but I do believe people and  other living things come into our life for a reason. He's part of the family now. Anyway, after that plane crash we got another plane the next day and went on our scheduled mission. 

 


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