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Me again!

I am anxious. I have always been an anxious person. So you can imagine what this HIV diagnosis has brought on now... It's pure hell!

The worse is in the morning. I wake up at about 5am, I think for about 5 seconds and it all comes back to me: "you're HIV positive, there's no way out"; and that does it for the day. I lie there, still, not to wake up my partner beside me and think, and think, and all these negative thoughts start to add up in my head and by the time I have to get up (7am) I am a wreck!

I go to the bathroom and check all my symptoms: how are my arms? covered with a rash from the blanket, hopefully it will go in an hour or so. How do I feel? Extremely exhausted. How do I look? Like I am losing weight. A new tongue ulcer: I need to use that mouthwash which is decolouring my teeth. And so on. Breakfast is out of question. If I think of eating I run to the toilet and feel sick. I take my half antidepressant which makes no difference whatsoever and my multivitamin and go to work.

At work is never quite busy (I'm a receptionist) so I am just sitting there looking at the void in front of me, thinking. The fatigue sometimes is just unbearable. When a colleague passes by I force a smile and I say that I feel great while I am dying inside.

In the afternoon normally my anxiety gives me a break, like a morning fog that lifts itself and I can breathe. I force a sandwich down my throat, chewing very slowly, drinking lots of water at the same time not to throw up.

I never had any interests in life but I was happy this way. Now I find myself with these long afternoons (I only work mornings) without anything to do except worry and get crazy. Sometimes I crash in bed, exhausted, sometimes I try to go out for a walk, always alone, always with my fears.

The evening is the "best" part: my boyfriend comes back home and I generally feel better. He is much stronger than me and loves his work so he doesn't think too much about it (we were diagnosed +ve together 4 days ago), but when I have a "crisis" he cannot give me strenght he was giving me in the past. He gets sad too and we both cry. He used to be my rock, but now he needs support too and I hate myself for not being able to help him as he helps me.

We eat almost normally, we watch TV together and we go to bed together, but I know already that 6 hours later the nightmare will resume.

this is terrible, I am not HIV positive, but I did something very stupid last night, had unprotected anal sex with some guy I didnt even know.... so now the three months of agony and anxiety begin for me.

please know that you're not alone....

It happens.
I never had unprotected sex except with my 2 long term boyfriends, but I did sleep around a lot (gay in London... you do the math!) and it must have happened during foreplay or something, I guess I'll never know.
If you had unprotected sex it does not mean you caught HIV, even if your partner was +ve. It could have happened, it could have not, as you said you will find out in 3 months.
There's no point in cruxifying yourself now. Just an advice: before going to have the test, prepare yourself. I started thinking I was +ve a week before taking the test and when the health advisor told me I was +ve I wasn't that shocked (my bf was though!).
NOTHING can prepare you for a positive result but you can try and do whatever you can to prevent it from destroying your mental health. Believe me, it's not easy.
So much goes through my head. I picture these three huge inflated letters H I V and myself being crushed under them! I know it sounds silly but that's my mental image.
Be strong, we all have to be in life. HIV is a challenge, the biggest for me so far, but you (and especially I!) have to realise that it is all in your head: you need to decide how much you want to let this affect you. You can think of it 24/7 (like I am doing these days!), or you can try and live your life in a "normal" way.
I read somewhere that today HIV is becoming a bit like diabetis: a cronic condition people live with. And it helped me a lot to think of this.
I hope you will test negative in 3 months. I don't wish what I am going through to anyone, but as I said, it is up to you how you're going to let a positive result influence your life. Unfortunately it is influencing my life A LOT right now!!!
Best of luck.

thank you, your words bring me some comfort

I think it's the guilt of letting myself do these things what's getting the best outta me, the heat of the moment I guess.

I usually just do oral and mutual masturbation but for some reason analhad to happen last night, I was the top so it brings me some confort knowing that I am not as much on risk, there is hope I guess.

Of course there is hope! HIV isn't THAT easy to catch after all. This is not to say you shouldn't be safe.
But if every time someone f***ed without a condom was getting infected there'd be more +ve people than negative, don't you think?
I am sure you'll be alright.
(Funny how I posted on here this morning looking for comfort and support and how I end up comforting someone else! But it's all good!!!).


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