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Author Topic: Loosing a Partner?  (Read 4710 times)

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Offline Iamrick

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
    • Daily OM
Loosing a Partner?
« on: April 27, 2007, 12:44:42 AM »
 I lost my partner David last august to AIDS. He and I had 12 years 24/7 together. We were rarely apart from each other. Well 10 months has past now
and I'm still crying and hurting over the loss and yes, I still feel very guilty. I was one those people telling him he was going to be OK too. I could not admit to myself that he was dying. I could not imagine my life without him. I'm feeling like I let him down by not insisting on him going to the doctor and taking his meds. If I had, maybe he would still be here. There are so many other reasons as well. I think it's just part of being human. We all feel guilt for those we loose it is a part of grieving. My question is, how do you move on with your own life when you've lost the only constant in your life? At this point months later, I have become a prisoner of my own home. I don't leave the house unless I just have to. The few friends that I have call and try to get me out of the house but I cant seem to bring myself to do it. My grief is why I'm on here right now.
It's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do. I feel as though I died right along with him. I listen to the radio and I will hear a song and it triggers this deep emotional outbust and it's the same thing watching TV. There are so many triggers that unleash this overwhelming grief in me. I think that's part of my problem with getting out, I'm afraid I will loose it in the middle of the store or where ever I might be at the time one of those triggers is pulled. My heart  goes out to all that has lost a lover or friend. You are not alone!!!!
Have a blessed day to all that read this, Rick
Happiness  keeps You Sweet,

Trials keep You  Strong,

Sorrows keep You  Human,

Failures keep You  Humble,

Success keeps You Glowing, 

But Only God/Goddess keeps You Going!


Have a Blessed Day Everyone!! Rick

Offline cflas

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2007, 06:39:11 AM »
Dear Rick:

Three weeks ago, I lost an incredible friend whom I had only know for four years but who had become such a strong influence in my life. I was not his partner; just a close friend.  Over the past nearly year and a half since he was diagnosed with lymphoma (he was HIV+ for 23 yrs), we maintained contact several times a week. And, as he began to decline, I called he and his partner (also a dear and wonderful friend) daily. In fact, we had lunch together yesterday.

There is a point to all of this rambling.  First of all, I don't know that you ever recover.  I don't know that you could, or would want to, fill the gap that his passing has left you with.  I think that, somehow, we move through this. We look to God, begin to contact friends, walk on the beach, get a dog, or just begin to remember him in those special ways that were shared with no one but the two of you.  Now, his partner is going through all the things he's helped other go through.  All the stages of grief are right there in front of him. 

Getting rid of his clothes was a big deal but my friend was very explicit in his directions for all the elements of grief he knew his partner would go through.

I ache because everything that comes out of my mouth sound insipid, like a Hallmark card.

I think that being here and exploring your present situation with those at this site may begin to ease your pain.  I can only pray for you and let you know that we are all your brothers and sisters. We are your family.  We love you and grieve over the love you have lost.  chris
« Last Edit: April 27, 2007, 06:46:58 AM by cflas »

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2007, 08:37:18 AM »
Two of my ex partners during the 1990s –  John, who more or less killed himself by destroying his health through alcohol abuse and unchanged promiscuous behaviours, and Steve who developed AIDS-Related Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (NHL). Even to the end, Steve’s family denied their son had AIDS, let alone that he was even Gay. It was a very sad time to be at his funeral and see his partner sitting alone at the back of the gathering. I tried to get him to sit with my friend Paula and me, but he declined.

Both of these I consider tragic deaths, due to the senselessness of the conditions surrounding both. Today I remember them as troubled souls, but nonetheless can remember the good times I shared with each through it all.

I don’t let any lingering feelings of grief or guilt keep me from going forward and enjoying the parts of life that I do. Apart from the bad times I know they each loved me in their own way and wouldn’t want me to live a miserable existence.

To you Rick, I would say give this time. You haven’t had long yet to adjust to your loss. That you are missing your partner is hard, and you will need to grieve as long as it takes. By posting about him here, you've taken a step forward.

Thank you for trusting us with that.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Andy Velez

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  • Member
  • Posts: 23,852
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2007, 09:40:03 AM »
Hey Rick,

Man, take a breath and go easy on yourself is what I say. Last August is not very long ago so it's not surprising you are grieving and that tears come very easily. Might have beens, if onlys and maybe if I hads just keep cropping up as we learn to live with a great loss.

I'm glad you have found your way here. You've already gotten some thoughtful responses. And here you don't have to pretend or be any other way than you actually feel. Life is going to go on. I'm guessing that your partner would join me in encouraging you to be gentle with yourself as you learn about getting on with life.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline AlanBama

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  • Posts: 3,578
  • 'class' of '87
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2007, 10:31:21 AM »
Oh Rick, I am so sorry for your loss and sorry you are hurting so badly.   I pray that you can find the strength to try to move on with your life, as difficult as it may seem.

So your partner was not taking his meds?  That's very sad.  I hope that perhaps by you posting about your pain and despair over losing him, that others on this site might see the effect that not taking their meds may some day have on their loved ones. 

I hope you can release some of the guilt, and do something good for yourself.
Accept the offer of your friends to go out and become an active participant in life again...you can start with baby steps.   I don't think your partner would want you to remain in the state you are in now, so think about that.

We're here for you

Love,
Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Robert

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,639
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2007, 11:55:49 AM »
Rick.

You've received some very good advice and, even better, you've made some new friends here today.  Many of us here know exactly what you're going through and it ain't easy.  Be kind to yourself.  You know what's best for you and your partner. Take your time.   When the time is right,  you'll celebrate life again with joy and happiness and that celebration is possible because of the love you and your partner have for each other.

robert
..........

Offline Bucko

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  • Posts: 1,947
  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2007, 01:35:58 PM »
Rick-

I lost a lover in 1992. It changed my life in ways I'd have never imagined possible and still grieve (although time does numb, if not heal, the wound).

I remember in my case the first year was the worst. Any song that vaguely pertained to my feelings became a fresh assault on my composure, and there were so very many. I was obliged to work and needed to develop a mask for dealing with people. This mask served me well and hid much of the torment I was feeling privately but couldn't express openly.

At the time of my loss there were no bereavement groups in my area except for those for widows, and the concept of a 32-year old man seeking support from a room of women in their 60s & 70s seemed ludricous. But you might want to check with your local ASO and see if there is anything that might work for you now.

probably the best advice I can offer is to find meaning in your life by living it in honor of the man he was, not the sentimentally enhanced construction of he whom you wished he'd be. It worked for me.

And although it took several years, I eventually regained both my career and my ability to approach love without feeling as though I'd betrayed him.

Love,
Brent
(Who posted the 15th anniversary of JM's death in the Living forum recently)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline Iamrick

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  • Posts: 36
    • Daily OM
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2007, 03:47:36 PM »
Hi Everyone, Thank you all for the heart felt responces!!!! It really does help to know that I can come here and voice my feelings without being judged. This site is a great resource for me and I do recommend it to all of the HIV/AIDS people I know and meet. Thanks again, Rick
Happiness  keeps You Sweet,

Trials keep You  Strong,

Sorrows keep You  Human,

Failures keep You  Humble,

Success keeps You Glowing, 

But Only God/Goddess keeps You Going!


Have a Blessed Day Everyone!! Rick

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 23,852
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2007, 04:42:47 PM »
Glad to know you have found it helpful and comforting to be here, Rick.

Look forward to hearing from you whenever you want to drop in.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline leatherman

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  • Posts: 5,920
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2007, 01:23:04 AM »
Together at home and work for just shy of 10 yrs, I was devastated when my partner Randy passed away, leaving me alone to deal with my own HIV. When you're "other half" dies, what does it leave you? Only a half. For a long time, I was just that - a half a person.

I think of those times as the "dark yrs". I was depressed, got sicker, was hospitalized with PCP, and became a virtual hermit in my home. I felt like an old person - widowed, ill and dying. At 30 yrs old, I found I had more in common with my Grandmother (who had cared for my Grandfather for 4 yrs with Alzheimers) than anyone else. Then within the next three years, the five cocker spaniels we had raised together passed away too, leaving me all alone. I was one sad guy.

Without my friends, "adopted family", and finally getting the right doctor and the right combination of HIV meds, I might have still been that guy.

It's been just over 10 yrs now that Randy has been gone; but his pictures hang on the walls in the house where I live with my new partner now. We had all been friends, and Jim was there through all of the bad times with Randy and I, and then when it was just me. It took that decade for me to get past the sense of my own impending demise (by staying on my meds and getting better) and the dread of "inflicting" this kind of future onto someone else (by staying on my meds and NOT dying).

I can't tell you that time heals all wounds, because I don't think it does. I can look up at those pictures now and, if I really think about my Randy, the tears can flow so easily. But time has taught me a few lessons that do "soothe" the wounds. First, remember the GOOD TIMES. The bad time (or should I say, the worst time), your partner's death, is easy to remember because it was so tragic; but that's not who they were. They were all those great times together, loving one another. Second, live and enjoy the life you have, see how fragile it is? Oh it's not easy seeing the silver lining some days when all you can be happy about is that you didn't puke up your meds, but the alternative, which you've seen, is terrible.

To this day, I tear up whenever I pass a funeral. I think that somewhere in that crowd is a poor person that was just like me - devastated, burying the one they loved and now reduced to being only half a person. I'll probably go rummage through a box of Randy's things that I kept, and cry later tonite. I'll cry a little for you too. I sure feel your pain and can only say that, in time, it won't hurt quite so bad.

mIkIE
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline Iamrick

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
    • Daily OM
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2007, 06:45:23 AM »
Hi All,
  Well, Today has been a very good day over all. I got myself out of the house and went to FT Worth and picked up my meds. Then I went to a friends that I had not seen in years(he is finally clean from METH 107days! So Far!) It felt good to sit and talk with him for 5 hours straight. It 's amazing how some connections made in life that no matter how much time or other garbage under the bridge they may be. When you reconnect it's like nothing was really ever lost. Well I'm kinda just rattling here. Just wanted you all to know I had a good day. I read something here the other day that said we should talk more about the good days we have. I so agreed with that. So this was my first attempt. LOL
  LOVE and PEACE TO YOU ALL and Of course Have a Blessed Day!!!!!

P.S. Thanks for your responce Mikie!!
Happiness  keeps You Sweet,

Trials keep You  Strong,

Sorrows keep You  Human,

Failures keep You  Humble,

Success keeps You Glowing, 

But Only God/Goddess keeps You Going!


Have a Blessed Day Everyone!! Rick

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 23,852
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2007, 12:05:57 PM »
Good deal, Rick. Good to hear from you.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,920
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2007, 12:40:48 PM »
I kinda felt bad after posting last nite, that I had left things so down; but this issue is always going to be a downer. But it sounds like you're doing the best thing. You really will have to just take one day a time. If it's a sad day that's okay; but if you can find some joy in the day, grab it and enjoy it. Reaching out to others (here in the forums) or even long-lost friends can do you wonders. I'm glad to hear that you re-connected with your friend. You can never have enough friends and you'll be amazed how much they can help you through tough times, usually be doing nothing more than just being there.

May more good days come your way!
mikie
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline Iamrick

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
    • Daily OM
Re: Loosing a Partner?
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2007, 02:50:33 PM »
Hi Mikie,
   Just wanted you to know that when I read your responce it did not come off as a downer to me. I actually saw that someone else has felt and feels the same as I do about the situation. The way you have handled it is most likely the way that I will as well. There will always be a picture and things we had together that will always be out in my home. But most important of all is that he is a part of my soul and always will be.
  Now, I have to find my place/path on the journey that is the rest of MY LIFE HERE ON EARTH. Which by the way, That's going to lead to many more posts to come I'm sure!!
                 Have a Blessed Day!!
                                               Rick
P.S. Thanks Andy, I'm really trying!!!!
Happiness  keeps You Sweet,

Trials keep You  Strong,

Sorrows keep You  Human,

Failures keep You  Humble,

Success keeps You Glowing, 

But Only God/Goddess keeps You Going!


Have a Blessed Day Everyone!! Rick

 


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