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Loosing a Partner?

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You've received some very good advice and, even better, you've made some new friends here today.  Many of us here know exactly what you're going through and it ain't easy.  Be kind to yourself.  You know what's best for you and your partner. Take your time.   When the time is right,  you'll celebrate life again with joy and happiness and that celebration is possible because of the love you and your partner have for each other.



I lost a lover in 1992. It changed my life in ways I'd have never imagined possible and still grieve (although time does numb, if not heal, the wound).

I remember in my case the first year was the worst. Any song that vaguely pertained to my feelings became a fresh assault on my composure, and there were so very many. I was obliged to work and needed to develop a mask for dealing with people. This mask served me well and hid much of the torment I was feeling privately but couldn't express openly.

At the time of my loss there were no bereavement groups in my area except for those for widows, and the concept of a 32-year old man seeking support from a room of women in their 60s & 70s seemed ludricous. But you might want to check with your local ASO and see if there is anything that might work for you now.

probably the best advice I can offer is to find meaning in your life by living it in honor of the man he was, not the sentimentally enhanced construction of he whom you wished he'd be. It worked for me.

And although it took several years, I eventually regained both my career and my ability to approach love without feeling as though I'd betrayed him.

(Who posted the 15th anniversary of JM's death in the Living forum recently)

Hi Everyone, Thank you all for the heart felt responces!!!! It really does help to know that I can come here and voice my feelings without being judged. This site is a great resource for me and I do recommend it to all of the HIV/AIDS people I know and meet. Thanks again, Rick

Andy Velez:
Glad to know you have found it helpful and comforting to be here, Rick.

Look forward to hearing from you whenever you want to drop in.


Together at home and work for just shy of 10 yrs, I was devastated when my partner Randy passed away, leaving me alone to deal with my own HIV. When you're "other half" dies, what does it leave you? Only a half. For a long time, I was just that - a half a person.

I think of those times as the "dark yrs". I was depressed, got sicker, was hospitalized with PCP, and became a virtual hermit in my home. I felt like an old person - widowed, ill and dying. At 30 yrs old, I found I had more in common with my Grandmother (who had cared for my Grandfather for 4 yrs with Alzheimers) than anyone else. Then within the next three years, the five cocker spaniels we had raised together passed away too, leaving me all alone. I was one sad guy.

Without my friends, "adopted family", and finally getting the right doctor and the right combination of HIV meds, I might have still been that guy.

It's been just over 10 yrs now that Randy has been gone; but his pictures hang on the walls in the house where I live with my new partner now. We had all been friends, and Jim was there through all of the bad times with Randy and I, and then when it was just me. It took that decade for me to get past the sense of my own impending demise (by staying on my meds and getting better) and the dread of "inflicting" this kind of future onto someone else (by staying on my meds and NOT dying).

I can't tell you that time heals all wounds, because I don't think it does. I can look up at those pictures now and, if I really think about my Randy, the tears can flow so easily. But time has taught me a few lessons that do "soothe" the wounds. First, remember the GOOD TIMES. The bad time (or should I say, the worst time), your partner's death, is easy to remember because it was so tragic; but that's not who they were. They were all those great times together, loving one another. Second, live and enjoy the life you have, see how fragile it is? Oh it's not easy seeing the silver lining some days when all you can be happy about is that you didn't puke up your meds, but the alternative, which you've seen, is terrible.

To this day, I tear up whenever I pass a funeral. I think that somewhere in that crowd is a poor person that was just like me - devastated, burying the one they loved and now reduced to being only half a person. I'll probably go rummage through a box of Randy's things that I kept, and cry later tonite. I'll cry a little for you too. I sure feel your pain and can only say that, in time, it won't hurt quite so bad.



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