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Almost in love with a poz guy

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worried dfw:
I hope I don't come off like an ass in this post. It's definitely not my intention.

I've been dating a guy that is poz. As far as I know according to previous tests, I'm not. We first made love a week ago (condoms were used for intercourse, but not for oral). I posted on the "Am I Infected" forums a few days ago. I'm not worried about becoming positive over less than a minute of oral sex. Well, who am I kidding, yes I am. But that's not the point of this post.

Now, I'm falling for him and he is for me, too.

I'll be the first to admit that my worry is totally selfish. I don't want to be HIV positive, but neither does anyone else. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with how I can have a long-term relationship with this guy without being constantly worried that the next time we're in bed, I'll be on my way to seroconverting. That sounds terrible, reading this post over, but I'm just being honest.

Now aside from my own selfishness, how can I help keep the both of us healthy? He goes for certain tests every 4 months (load tests, I don't know the real term) and is currently on Combivir. It's a state-run program he's on which I personally don't like. I'm not in to the government dictating citizen health. However, if I put him on my health insurance, he'll lose all of his benefits which would not be good either.

Again, the idea of being a serodiscordant couple scares me a lot. Reading on the web doesn't help at all. There's a whole bunch of crap out there as to how HIV is transmitted, and the real information is hidden in scientific reports. Of course, as far as science is concerned, it's impossible to prove a negative so there's never any real way to discern that what we're doing is "safe".

The idea of breaking up with him over his being poz is killing me. But so is the idea that I could become poz. Any thoughts on how I can make our relationship easier for the both of us?

Your scares are normal, but there are plenty of serodiscordant couples on here. Do a search for serodiscordant on this site and you will see their stories.


snoofle: also dating a positive guy for over 3 yrs now..and i didnt know he was positive til december 2006 after his mom died from AIDS and he found out his own status. it has been a constant struggle and i believed i was HIV positive since him and i had unprotected sex for nearly 3 yrs before i even found out about his status..but i thank god i wasnt positive. it is hard and at times i feel really selfish about not wanting to be involved with someone knowing they are sick, but in the end, i think about our good times and how i dont think anyone else could really love me the way he does. you should do what u think is the best, but this could be the best relationship you've ever had =)

i ditto snoofle on this one. is it fair to assume that the days of spontaneous sex for any of us is over, if we are truly being careful about protecting ourselves from std/hiv transmission? there was a time for many of us long term survivors when that wasn't the case, but today is today, and if you wish to remain free of hiv or any other sexually transmitted disease, you must always use protection.
after my fiance died and i was all alone with my new hiv status i tried to re enter the dating scene thinking i could date anyone i wanted. what i guess i wasn't prepared for was those spontaneous moments when i'd occassionaly hook up with someone who found me attractive and wanted to have sex with me right then and there. at least you know his status already. for those woman, they weren't thinking properly and i had to do some fancy footwork to keep from infecting them. but even after a few of them knew, for whatever the reason, they tried to take chances, all in the name of love. this was back when most folks were dieing of hiv. i'd call it stupidity. once i was subject to joining one of them on their visit to get their test results, i felt a panic i had never experienced before, and choose then, to never have to go through that experience again.
am i telling you to end this relationship before he has to go through that with you.
hell no!
if you love one another, you will do what is necessary to prevent that from happening. if you don't do what is necessary, then you may experience having to go through allot of anquish and uncertainty, and possibly a positive test result, and that may realize your worst fears.
be communicative with one another and talk these things through. if there is trouble communicating these fears, RUN! they must be discussed.
there are other topics on these forums which answer many of your questions. browse your brains out and find a solution which is most comfortable with you.
good luck, and stay safe!

Queen Tokelove:
I can totally relate to your fears. I am poz but doesn't want to be in a relationship with a neg person for fear of infecting them, with the use of condoms cause you know condoms can break etc. I am not trying to scare you or anything, just sharing my thoughts from the other side.

If you love this person, then it should be talked about, let this person know your concerns. Just like someone else said, there are plenty of folks on here that are in +/- relationships, and they make it work. Search around for some of their posts. I wish there was more I could tell you but I hope you discuss it with your partner, good luck and keep us posted.


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