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Author Topic: loose ends  (Read 3973 times)

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Offline CalvinC

  • Member
  • Posts: 143
loose ends
« on: June 23, 2006, 04:44:49 PM »
Hi all

This isn't a message intended for anyone in particular, likely not for anyone not interested in my story. Right now, I'm not able to connect with anyone, and short of calling a suicide line, I thought I'd take a moment and write it all here.

Pride weekend here in Toronto, big event. I'm up by the gay village, going into a department store with a close friend of mine....and who do I bump into but the ex. First time in four weeks. I'm upbeat, polite, "Hey! How are you?" and I introduce him to my friend....and then I keep on moving, "Just off shopping, take care." My friend said I handled it very very well, that it was polite and considerate but that the boundaries were clear.

So I handled it very well. Big f**king deal. Is that what my life is now, "handling it very well"? I'm just sick and tired of handling it very well. I want him to call me and tell me he made a mistake. I want him to hold me like he used to. I want to hold him like I used to. I don't want to have hiv. I don't want to have made the mistake I made. I don't want to keep crying like I'm crying now. I can't do this. What did I do to get into this much pain? I'm supposed to be the cool academic, Mr University Professor, and I'm sitting here at my desk crying like teenager. I just will not do this again, another night of longing, loss and tears. I thought I could do this but I can't. Some of us are cut out for this, I'm not, too much, guys, too much.  Andrew
« Last Edit: June 23, 2006, 04:46:24 PM by CalvinC »

Offline Rob - Dublin

  • Member
  • Posts: 51
Re: loose ends
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2006, 05:19:36 PM »
Hi Andrew,

Well firstly, we are interested in your story and here we are all for one and one for all.

I know I am not in your situation and only those with experience of your specific situation can be an authority on it. However, when loves comes and goes in each of our lives it is very difficult. You still love him and I think that is very clear, but he has moved on. It is always difficult to let go and yes I know you have HIV and he does not. BUT, you are obviously a very capable and caring person for you did not make a scene in front of him when you met. I know moving on is very difficuilt but believe me and I do have experience of this, time does heal all....

Give it time.

Rob

14 Dec 2005 Tested Neg
21 Jan 2006 Infected
09 May 2006 Tested Poz
29 May 2006 CD4 551  (33%) VL 21,000
10 July 2006 CD4 632  (34%) VL 24,500

......when i'm good, i'm very good - when i'm bad i'm even better......

Dream as if you will live forever - Live as if you will die today.....

Offline water duck

  • Member
  • Posts: 397
Re: loose ends
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2006, 05:28:02 PM »
Dear Andrew,

Of late u have been thru' alot, they all arrived at the same time - being POZ, losing the BF.
Why not try taking small bites. You know lots of us do have stories like this to tell. No No it's not ##Big fxxking deal## it's part & parcel of the growing up process. Why not look at it this way, this thing about POZ is a test & he just failed, his love was not that strong & pure; otherwise he would still be around. Guess u've got to come to terms with the situations, 'cause u would be seeing this 'handsome guy' again.

Cry cry baby that will do you alot of good. Please remember we are all here for you !!
Facing the loss of a loved one or a BF is something very personal, we need to face & manage that on our own, in here at this forum we can only just play the 'safety net' .

Warm regards.

Siang
« Last Edit: June 23, 2006, 05:33:45 PM by water duck »

Offline dario

  • Member
  • Posts: 80
Re: loose ends
« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2006, 05:57:22 PM »
I wish I could do something for you.  Be sure that you are not alone.  Keep also in mind Rob's advice ... time does heal all!  This is so true and you will heal as well.
... when I was young, I never needed anyone, making love was just for fun, those days are gone ... Eric Carmen (Raspberries)

Offline Christine

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,069
Re: loose ends
« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2006, 06:05:39 PM »
Andrew,
Like Siang said, you have been through so much in the past few weeks anyone would sit and cry and scream. And you should. Get it out. Release the pain. Acknowledge that it is there, and it is horrible, and then cry. Post your feelings here. And if you need to call a hotline, do it. That is what they are there for. Perhaps contact an ASO is your area, or talk to a therapist about your feelings.

When I was first diagnosed I literally hid in my bedroom closet, hysterical, afraid to go to the doctors. It is not easy for anyone. With time, it really does get better. You come to realize and understand that your life will go on. Will you have bad days? Sure. But you learn to have a new "normal" in your life.

Reach out to people who understand and love you. Your job right now is to take care of Andrew. Hang in there.
Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: loose ends
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2006, 06:11:00 PM »
Andrew,

I was going to PM you, however, I think I will respond right here, as you have very generously let us see your pain and witness in a really personal way, the struggles that you are dealing with currently.

I want you to do me a favor.  Gather up these things, and do an exercise that worked out for me very well, when I was going through the exact same situation in 1983.

Your favorite beverage, a candle or two, or maybe a whole room full, some music that brings you into a peaceful place, a full length mirror, or a large one will do, and finally some oils of some sort.  If you have some massage oil that would be best.

Schedule a time when you will be totally alone and quiet.  Pick a place in your home that is quiet, peaceful, and where you will not be disturbed.  Make sure to place the phone out of reach, and best turn it off.  Now, place the mirror on the floor in front of a nice pad, pillow, or blanket.  Light the candles, incense, and anything else you might want to add to the peace.  Place your beverage in your finest drink vessel, preferably the ones that you save only for guests.  Now, disrobe, sit comfortably in front of the mirror, and start to have a conversation with Andrew.  You might start by rubbing some of the oil on your naked body, let your hands, eyes and ears "feel" the experience.  Enjoy that body, and those eyes that you share with the world, and learn to enjoy them yourself.  Let him know what a wonderful man he has become, look into those eyes you share with the world on a daily basis, and see,  I said actually SEE that very special soul that is the professor.  Let him know the deepest feelings of your heart, and make this conversation out loud.  Let yourself hear the words you are speaking to Andrew.  

I promise you that this exercise is going to shake you to your very core, because most all of us are terribly fearful of gazing into our own soul, but damn, why shouldn't we; like I said, we share with strangers every day without a thought.  Isn't it only prudent that we should learn who we are and what makes us happy, scarred, fearful and all the other emotions we so frequently hide from.

I did this to save myself, and my sanity.  I did it the first time, and it was very emotional, as I cried, ..... no wait,  I screamed, I shouted at my own foolishness, and I had a wonderful conversation with myself, and from that first time, I made many promises to myself, and actually started to create a timetable to expedite healing in my own psyche.  Andrew, I cannot stress how utterly simple, and effective this exercise is.  I have shared it with others here, but I have no idea if anyone has actually done it.  Most people are petrified to stare into their own eyes, thinking that they will escape the inevitable.  What usually happens is that they continue on and d r a g themselves into a pit of depression that is sometimes actually fatal with HIV in their bodies.  Stress hormones will definitely kill those of us living with HIV/AIDS, and that is one of the reason why so many of us have been through depression, and sometimes need medication to lessen the depths of dispair.  I encourage you to try this, as it is non medicinal, but your spirit will definitely thank you in the end.

OK, that is all, and I would love to see if you try this and if it has any credence with you in your current situation.  Please remember, you cannot control your ex's actions, feelings, attitudes, or life path.  You can only influence your own, and to labor under this for too long is going to damage you physically and this you don't want to do.  

I sure do hope this helps, as it did for me and many others who have tried this exercise.  I still do it on occasion, but now it is mostly fun and we/I have a good time doing it now.

In Love and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline lydgate

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,022
  • Virgin, can't drive
Re: loose ends
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2006, 06:47:55 PM »
Well, if misery loves company, here's my two cents: it's been a shitty week, no make that shitty month. I'm not crying in front of my computer (though I've done that), but sorta going through each day in a state of apathetic numbness. Kind of like I've used up my emotions and now my mind is only reluctantly rationing them out. I haven't cleaned my apartment or done the laundry in weeks: I don't seem to care. I order in junk food. I complain to myself that my friends don't call, but if they do call or I spot them on the street, I hide or avoid the call. I read Jane Austen. I watch endless re-runs -- The Simpsons, Seinfeld, Sex and the City, Will & Grace, lawd only knows what else. I drink vodka.

I know what you mean Andrew. I'm sick of it all -- being poz, being alone, being lost. This is not what I'm "supposed" to be -- me, the Ivy League academic star, holder of enviable fellowships, good company and a good friend, brimming with zest, happy to be alone with a book or a movie but also happy to meet buddies for a pint at happy hour et cetera. Instead, I'm this hermit-like unproductive unhealthy TV-and internet-addicted zombie.

But: I do know that this too shall pass. Platitudinous? Trite? Perhaps; but true. I know allopathicholistic likes this phrase, I'm borowing it from him: baby steps. That's the way to do it, whatever "it" is. As for "handling it [running into the ex] very well" -- gosh, there's so much to be said for that, it is a big deal even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Can you imagine how much worse you'd have felt if you'd stammered, looked morose etc? I've been there; I know now, the hard way, the value of keeping a brave face. For me, anyway, heartbreak is easier to deal with if the person who caused it doesn't get to see it.

Good to know that you had a good dinner and conversation the other day. I'm kinda envious that you have Pride weekend ahead of you: lots of friendly fags, in a good mood, up for... well, not just sex, good food and conversation too. :)

I'm rambling. More later.

Jay
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: loose ends
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2006, 10:46:21 PM »
I just will not do this again, another night of longing, loss and tears. I thought I could do this but I can't. Some of us are cut out for this, I'm not, too much, guys, too much.  Andrew / quote

Andrew,  you CAN and you WILL... Heartache IS what it IS.  And sweetie, your just right smack dab in it..  None of us are cut out "for this".  But we can learn "from this".  And honey, your just learnen..  I know it hurts.  Take it a bit slower.  Don't look at Andrew this way.  Might as well start using that mirror.  Look at the good parts.  Sort out what you want to accomplish first and do it.  Then move on to the next.  If you look at all the negatives, of course your going to feel this way.  A gratitude list might be in order..  I think the "smart" people like you Professor have more difficulty in dealing with pain.  Always being in control and now we don't have it.  We probably never did have control but simply managed and manipulated ourselves around many issues.   Growth sure F**cking sucks, and it hurts to.....   I am 10 months into this and it still hurts..   We will find our way..   "One thing about FEELINGS, they change from one minute to the next."  Hold on!

For you Andrew....
http://www.mwscomp.com/sounds/mp3/brghtsd.mp3


Love :)
« Last Edit: June 24, 2006, 12:05:53 AM by Eric »

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,256
Re: loose ends
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2006, 12:14:06 AM »
Andrew, Tim's suggestion sounds like it is a good thing...

Tim, this good thing has me intrigued.  Is it okay if I try it even if I'm not in need of it?  Maybe subconsciously I am...

Jay, my local station is rerunning "Sex and the City" at this moment.  I didn't even know they carried it, but I appreciate it now that I've downgraded the cable...

Creighton, finish your glass of wine and go to bed.  Oh wait, that's me!   ;)

Love and Sweet Dreams to you all

Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,105
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: loose ends
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2006, 10:18:21 AM »
Andrew,

It's ok. We understand. We are positive too. (TM Rab)
And we are humans

We all share your tears. Shed them and let the grief out.

I have tried Tim's recepy and found out I am still worthwhile looking at, amazing results.

Feeling your pain makes me sad. So I am here to say I care and I am glad you can share.

Quote
Some of us are cut out for this, I'm not, too much, guys, too much.

None of us is cut for this Andrew. We all learned it the hard way.
He who feels deep pain will also be able to feel great happiness at times.
It's like seasons. They come and go.

Never foget that we all are positive. You can relax with us.

Hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline bobino

  • Member
  • Posts: 264
Re: loose ends
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2006, 05:54:12 PM »
Andrew,

I read your post, and I want you to know that I feel exactly the same way.  I don't think I'm cut out for this either.  I say this because I think you need to realize that your feelings are completely valid.  Although I think it's nice that folks in this forum are supportive and trying to cheer you up in various ways, I think it's equally important for everyone to acknowledge that being poz DOES suck, that it's destructive of your mental as well as physical health, and that it does change how some people view you and deal with you.

As for not being cut out for it, I doubt that anyone really is.  Nevertheless, there's no doubt in my mind that some people have better innate coping skills than others.  If you have a history of depression or anxiety, that will make dealing with the problems of being positive that much harder.  As someone who struggled with depression for years I can tell you that there are days when I don't feel I can get out of bed (but I do).  Suicidal ideation is my constant companion.

I don't want to make you feel worse.  What I'm saying is that there is nothing wrong with the way you feel.  It's perfectly valid and understandable to experience the emotions you're experiencing.  So don't place unrealistic expectations on yourself.  Don't feel guilty about feeling down and don't feel bad if you can't just "snap out of it" or "cheer up" or whatever.  Seek out support and counseling if you feel it's appropriate.  Antidepressant medication might help also.  Gaining a sense of perspective on your situation takes time.  Give yourself that time and don't beat yourself up if you have moments (or hours or days) of feeling down. 

That's my two cents. 

Hugs,

John
Suivons les rivières
Gardons les torrents
Restons en colère
Soyons vigilants

Offline hermes

  • Member
  • Posts: 22
Re: loose ends
« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2006, 06:00:04 PM »
Hey Andrew...

Not sure if you live in Toronto but I do! Was just diagnosed here back at the end of April and we're probably going through a lot of the same things. Maybe we could lean on each other a bit...

Have a great Pride and had a few drinks for me...I'll be doing the same and thinking of you. :-)


Scott

Offline lydgate

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,022
  • Virgin, can't drive
Re: loose ends
« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2006, 06:10:50 PM »
I know each and every "Sex and the City" episode by heart. Literally. Isn't that sad? I suppose I know 95% of the "Friends" episodes by rote too. Yes, impressive and pathetic.

"That which does not kill me makes me stronger" -- I've always hated that (mis)quotation. I hate being told that depression (or any kind of pain, for that matter) is somehow redemptive or has a pedagogical value. What a crock. My only advice, such as it is, is from Auden (who took it from Sydney Smith, the early 19th-century parson and man of letters): Take short views of life, never longer than dinner or tea. Yep, that's my plan.

Jay
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: loose ends
« Reply #13 on: June 24, 2006, 06:48:54 PM »
Andrew......
 My reaction to some of your post....."Oh....let me see.  He is acting like every other MALE person in that he has to keep all these emotions bottled up and has to deal with them all alone. "  I am one of the people who has tried to liberate themselves from being a macho man....and get in touch with my feminine side....which allows us to talk it out, to get in touch with whats REALLY the problem and to reach out to friends as you are doing here in the forum. 
 "I'm supposed to be the cool academic, Mr University Professor, and I'm sitting here at my desk crying like teenager. "
You know what...did crying make you feel better....did letting your emotions out make you sleep better?  I hope so, because that really is what empowers you to go on with life. I have been there  when my former partner died.....I stayed up all night and cried and drank bourbon.....still hate the bourbon.  But...I let all that emotion out....alll the years of taking care of him while he was sick.  In a way it was a relief...to let the emotions out.
I think that what you are experiencing is a loss...like someone dying.  You are mourning the loss of that relationship.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2006, 06:50:31 PM by bear60 »
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline CalvinC

  • Member
  • Posts: 143
Re: loose ends
« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2006, 12:32:12 PM »

Thanks again all for being so supportive, on and off line. I've printed these off so that I might re-read them.

I took care of myself by crying, then picking myself up and going to a 12 step meeting. It was a beautiful Friday early eve in Toronto, and the air was full of possibilities. The meeting was just an hour, and I talked with many people after, from the group and my friends. By the time bedtime came, I was feeling just fine. It shows me that reaching out is not only curative but essential.

Andrew

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: loose ends
« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2006, 12:34:15 PM »
It works!!  3 meetings a day for the first 3 years.  Then I ran 3 meetings for the next 7.  Helping others is a great way out of yourself.  You will find that when you walk out,  life changing feelings are all about you.....  You are not the only one in pain now are ya! ;)

Love

Offline CalvinC

  • Member
  • Posts: 143
Re: loose ends
« Reply #16 on: June 26, 2006, 04:07:48 PM »

You're right Eric, these meetings give perspective!! I've been dancing in and out of SLAA for years. This is the first time I actually got a sponsor, and I'm using him. (Your advice, in my other thread, is pertinent too: less drinking or no drinking...booze is a depressant and I just don't need that.)

The only thing about 12 step that sometimes bothers me is some of the sharing.....some people just come to complain, and while that is valid, I find it difficult sometimes to dissociate and say "That is their reality, it is not mine." But I try too to pray for them, that they might get better.

Andrew

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: loose ends
« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2006, 06:20:53 PM »
Well we here "war stories" in the rooms and we here "war stories" here.   Live in the solution.  Go to meetings that give you the solution to your delema.  Same here,  "take what you like and leave the rest.."

Love

 


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