Main Forums > Living With HIV

loose ends

(1/4) > >>

Hi all

This isn't a message intended for anyone in particular, likely not for anyone not interested in my story. Right now, I'm not able to connect with anyone, and short of calling a suicide line, I thought I'd take a moment and write it all here.

Pride weekend here in Toronto, big event. I'm up by the gay village, going into a department store with a close friend of mine....and who do I bump into but the ex. First time in four weeks. I'm upbeat, polite, "Hey! How are you?" and I introduce him to my friend....and then I keep on moving, "Just off shopping, take care." My friend said I handled it very very well, that it was polite and considerate but that the boundaries were clear.

So I handled it very well. Big f**king deal. Is that what my life is now, "handling it very well"? I'm just sick and tired of handling it very well. I want him to call me and tell me he made a mistake. I want him to hold me like he used to. I want to hold him like I used to. I don't want to have hiv. I don't want to have made the mistake I made. I don't want to keep crying like I'm crying now. I can't do this. What did I do to get into this much pain? I'm supposed to be the cool academic, Mr University Professor, and I'm sitting here at my desk crying like teenager. I just will not do this again, another night of longing, loss and tears. I thought I could do this but I can't. Some of us are cut out for this, I'm not, too much, guys, too much.  Andrew

Rob - Dublin:
Hi Andrew,

Well firstly, we are interested in your story and here we are all for one and one for all.

I know I am not in your situation and only those with experience of your specific situation can be an authority on it. However, when loves comes and goes in each of our lives it is very difficult. You still love him and I think that is very clear, but he has moved on. It is always difficult to let go and yes I know you have HIV and he does not. BUT, you are obviously a very capable and caring person for you did not make a scene in front of him when you met. I know moving on is very difficuilt but believe me and I do have experience of this, time does heal all....

Give it time.


water duck:
Dear Andrew,

Of late u have been thru' alot, they all arrived at the same time - being POZ, losing the BF.
Why not try taking small bites. You know lots of us do have stories like this to tell. No No it's not ##Big fxxking deal## it's part & parcel of the growing up process. Why not look at it this way, this thing about POZ is a test & he just failed, his love was not that strong & pure; otherwise he would still be around. Guess u've got to come to terms with the situations, 'cause u would be seeing this 'handsome guy' again.

Cry cry baby that will do you alot of good. Please remember we are all here for you !!
Facing the loss of a loved one or a BF is something very personal, we need to face & manage that on our own, in here at this forum we can only just play the 'safety net' .

Warm regards.


I wish I could do something for you.  Be sure that you are not alone.  Keep also in mind Rob's advice ... time does heal all!  This is so true and you will heal as well.

Like Siang said, you have been through so much in the past few weeks anyone would sit and cry and scream. And you should. Get it out. Release the pain. Acknowledge that it is there, and it is horrible, and then cry. Post your feelings here. And if you need to call a hotline, do it. That is what they are there for. Perhaps contact an ASO is your area, or talk to a therapist about your feelings.

When I was first diagnosed I literally hid in my bedroom closet, hysterical, afraid to go to the doctors. It is not easy for anyone. With time, it really does get better. You come to realize and understand that your life will go on. Will you have bad days? Sure. But you learn to have a new "normal" in your life.

Reach out to people who understand and love you. Your job right now is to take care of Andrew. Hang in there.


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version