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Changes and self image

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My father had a heart attack on Easter Sunday. He survived it and is scheduled for triple bypass surgery on Thursday. This has put me in a reflective state of mind, lots of reviewing the past and who I was and who I have become since my diagnosis. My father and I have never been close. He has never hugged me or said he loved me, nor have I to him. I cannot say I love him, tho I do care about him as a human being.

I never dreamed I would be forty-seven years old and needing to take pills just to keep an enemy in my body from trying to destroy me. I never thought Iíd be wearing adult diapers day and night to keep from crapping my pants. I never dreamed I could understand another human beingís plight or problems as intimately as I have come to since my diagnosis nearly two decades ago.

I still feel like me, only quite different now, and Iím wondering what changes (good or not) others have noticed within themselves since being diagnosed.


You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

from Youíre Still You
Linda Thompson / Ennio Morricone


Please give me time to digest the content of your message/questions.  I will return, but don't count on much enlightenment from this contributor, I have more questions about this than you probably do.  ;)


Daniel,  Thanks for your post.  I've survived HIV for 22 years.  Lost a lover of 11 years, and too many friends.  Fortunately it has been 7 years since someone close to me has died.  Every time a loved one passes I get an almost uncontrollable urge to go be with them on the other side.
      I had a great relationship with my Dad.  We hugged and kissed goodnight every night of his life.
One time, just days before he died, I went in to see him.  He pulled me close, placing my head on his chest.  Stroking my hair he said, "You have been blessed with a very bright mind.  You can accomplish anything you want in life.  Don't let anyone every tell you that you can't."
   Dad died at 42 years old.  I was 16.  His words have supported me through a lot.  I have been quite successful in business, had several wonderful relationships, and many close friendships. 
     In your post you refer to diapers day and night.  I assume it's diarrhea?   Several years ago there was a company named Shaman Pharmeceuticals which made a capsule from the sap of the  Croton Lechleri
tree.  The sap has been used by shamans in the Amazon to create normal stool formation for centuries.
In 2000 I took care of a very dear friend who died of AIDS.  When he was ill, he had terrible diarrhea.  The prescription medications all have horrible side effects.  When he took the SB100 it completely restored normal bowel functions and eliminated his diarrhea.  For a time when I was on other AIDS meds I had bad diarrhea.  The SB100 worked EVERY time for me.  Last time I tried the Shaman Pharmeceutical Co's phone number it was not it service.  But a Google search on the internet showed several other co's which sell a formulation of croton lechleri.  It is all natural and has no known side effects.  Highly recommend it.
     Thanks again for your post.  Best wishes for improved quality of life!!!

I can only say I identify so much with what you've said.
One of those posts that made me cry for some odd reason....
Thanks DM...sincerely, made me feel less alone

I've dealt with so many changes.  I must say they're going from bad to better.  I fully understand about the diaper thing.  13 years ago I weighed a total of 87 lbs. and I'm 5'9"!  I was actually pronounced dead for five+ minutes by a hospice nurse who was involved in my case.  I was having constant diarrhea, puking, no appetite, so it was a long recovery back from that.  More recently, sometimes people approach me to ask "how far along are you?"  That's lipodystrophy from the meds.  Currently I'm on Sustiva and Trizivir, but before was on Lexiva and Truvada.  I just wish I could lose the stomach.  As for my parents.... my dad is 79 and is dying from emphysema.  He still smokes.  He doesn't like to wear his oxygen because he says it "makes me look bad."  My mom has stage 4 lung cancer from a bad case of pneumonia which never healed right and second hand smoke.  They're fighters though, and now they're teaching me a lot of lessons about living.  My mom has been hospitalized a few times.  Before I got HIV, she was a pretty hard core religious fanatic (I tested positive in 1988).  Now, she's an old softie.  I go to an "open and affirming" church (most of the couples there are gay/lesbian).  Last Friday I took my friend Denny to meet my mother.  He gave her communion and they had a really nice talk.  She loves ALL people now, regardless of their sexual orientation.  I will truly miss them when they're gone.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all!


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