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Author Topic: Losing the depths in myself  (Read 2003 times)

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Offline CalvinC

  • Member
  • Posts: 143
Losing the depths in myself
« on: June 22, 2006, 04:04:19 PM »

Sorry guys, this is a bit of a sob story, but I'm again distraught and crying.

I'm reading Wharton's The House of Mirth, the part where Lily realizes she has to say goodbye to her old self:

     "And you have come to it now?" Selden asked.
     "I shall have to come to it--presently. But there is something else I must come
to first." Lily paused again, trying to transmit to her voice the steadiness of
her recovered smile. "There is some one I must say goodbye to. Oh, not you--we
are sure to see each other again--but the Lily Bart you knew. I have kept her
with me all this time, but now we are going to part, and I have brought her
back to you--I am going to leave her here. When I go out presently she will not
go with me. I shall like to think that she has stayed with you--and she'll be
no trouble, she'll take up no room."
     She went toward him, and put out her hand, still smiling. "Will you let her
stay with you?" she asked.
     He caught her hand, and she felt in his the vibration of feeling that had not
yet risen to his lips. "Lily--can't I help you?" he exclaimed.
     She looked at him gently. "Do you remember what you said to me once? That you
could help me only by loving me? Well--you did love me for a moment; and it
helped me. It has always helped me. But the moment is gone--it was I who let it
go. And one must go on living. Goodbye."


In one fell swoop, I lost myself and the man of my dreams. F**k f**k f**k. I can't stop crying.

Andrew (sorry for the pity party, but it's a rough day)


Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Losing the depths in myself
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2006, 04:10:42 PM »
Andrew,

Self realization is sometimes very traumatic, but in the end, totally worth the trip.  ;D

In Love!
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Losing the depths in myself
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2006, 04:13:26 PM »
Hang in there Andrew. Nothing in this life lasts forever - not the good and not the bad.

There are still brighter days ahead.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline dario

  • Member
  • Posts: 80
Re: Losing the depths in myself
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2006, 06:42:37 PM »
Only the very special and the very best are capable of such feelings.  Only the hearts of true lovers throb and  shed tears! The more you love, the deeper the depths of the abyss! Yet the risk is worth taking.
... when I was young, I never needed anyone, making love was just for fun, those days are gone ... Eric Carmen (Raspberries)

Offline Bucko

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,947
  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Losing the depths in myself
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2006, 09:08:15 PM »
Only the very special and the very best are capable of such feelings.  Only the hearts of true lovers throb and  shed tears! The more you love, the deeper the depths of the abyss! Yet the risk is worth taking.

Such a beautiful quote, such a heartfelt thread!

You touched deeply, Calvin, and you as well, dario.

Brent
(Who loves a good cry)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,400
Re: Losing the depths in myself
« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2006, 10:16:59 PM »
Reminds me of an old Noel Coward lyric:

                 I never realized that you cared for me,
                 that such a thing could ever, ever be.
                 And when you went away I was sad because
                 I realized what a fool I was.

In spite of everything cheers, 
Andy Velez

Offline otherplaces

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mutant Super Hero
Re: Losing the depths in myself
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2006, 11:17:53 PM »

Calvin,

Hang in there. Believe me I know what you're feeling. It comes in waves, much like a storm. But 10 months in I can say the storms do seem to always pass. You get up the next day because you've got things to do and off you go. And then the next thing you know you're okay. The storm clouds clear and everything is okay for awhile.

I'm still trying to say goodbye to my old self. Letting go is so hard. But I'm trying to be more patient than I was before. All in due time.

much love,
brian

Offline CalvinC

  • Member
  • Posts: 143
Re: Losing the depths in myself
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2006, 11:40:34 AM »
Thanks all, for the replies on and off line.

It was a tough day, yesterday. In addition to losing my neg status and the now-ex last month, I am not now reacting to traumatic life events or just plain ol' loneliness in ways I used to (eg go to baths, have lots of sex, wonder why I'm lonely, go home and cry). I am refusing to rely on old patterns of coping. It is utterly wrenching, like a full body slam. But today is better.

One note of grace: last night, after my night class, I joined a group of friends for dinner. There were 9 of us, with two people I hadn't met. It was a delight. After, we were all going our separate ways, and I ended up chatting up one of the new guys, Ron. And in the five or so minutes we chatted, I felt myself breathing in that life of possibilities that is promised us when we actually suffer through our troubles and try to take our life in our hands and change it. I felt attractive, open, alive, that maybe romance would some day in the future be possible. A teasing glimpse of that promise. I still have a whack of crap to live through, but this was a very fine moment. Thanks for letting me share all this.

Andrew
« Last Edit: June 23, 2006, 11:42:24 AM by CalvinC »

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Losing the depths in myself
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2006, 01:27:21 PM »
One note of grace: last night, after my night class, I joined a group of friends for dinner. There were 9 of us, with two people I hadn't met. It was a delight. After, we were all going our separate ways, and I ended up chatting up one of the new guys, Ron. And in the five or so minutes we chatted, I felt myself breathing in that life of possibilities that is promised us when we actually suffer through our troubles and try to take our life in our hands and change it. I felt attractive, open, alive, that maybe romance would some day in the future be possible. A teasing glimpse of that promise. I still have a whack of crap to live through, but this was a very fine moment. Thanks for letting me share all this.

see? and you might've never met him if you were still with your ex

heartbreak is overrated
« Last Edit: June 23, 2006, 01:29:16 PM by allopathicholistic »

 


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