Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
October 24, 2014, 03:02:44 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 643424
  • Total Topics: 48957
  • Online Today: 195
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Feeling Stupid  (Read 3103 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline purplerain

  • Member
  • Posts: 100
  • finally figured out the pic thing
Feeling Stupid
« on: March 20, 2007, 06:31:27 AM »
I have been trying hard as of late 2 maintain a healty outlook about life what I call an Attitude of Grattitude.  It's been a great frame of mind 2 be in after finally coming out of the shell shock of finding out my diagnosis last June.  I have been spending less time focusing on the neg things in life or being around people who are constantly neg.  Trying not 2 take things 4 granted  blah blah blah-whatever-lol- truth is it has kept me from wanting 2 drive myself off a cliff and I have been feeling pretty good lately.
    So why do I feel stupid????  Because I have gotten my first cold since finding out I am poz and even though all my numbers are good and I probably have no real reason 2 be I am scared shitless.  I try and act 2 everyone like it's not a big deal 2 me or that having HIV is something Im ok with but deep down inside I don't think thats true.   I know people keep saying that things will get better but do they really????  By the time my mind is no longer hurting is that when my body will begin 2 fall apart?  I don't want 2 spend my life in fear and damnit im trying hard not 2 but I can't shake this feeling that this cold (if thats what it is seeing the doctor later today) is somehow, in some way, killing me.  I don't know if this makes sense 2 anyone and honestly im crying so hard right now I have no idea how this is really turning out.

Im sorry if I sound like Im whining or maybe Im just embarrassed that durring this moment of weakness Im exposing my self 2 u guys I don't know I have so many things running threw my head right now who's 2 say.  I don't even know where 2 end this except 2 say IM SCARED

Offline catwoman

  • Member
  • Posts: 111
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2007, 06:46:06 AM »
I know exactly how you feel and I think we have all been there.  You are just being normal.  This too shall pass.  I was terrified after my first cold after diagnosis.  We no longer look through rose colored lenses and life seems a bit harsh.  You are doing the right thing by thinking positively but remember to allow yourself to go through those feelings of fear and sadness and despair.  Once you get that out of your system and life keeps moving you feel so much better and you continue to think positively.  The way we think does affect our bodies.  At least you know you can always express yourself with us and you'll look back someday and realize you are stronger.  Lots of love.

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,260
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2007, 06:53:00 AM »
Maybe you're paying much more attention to your body than before your diagnosis, and if so every feverish sweat or chill is going to seem way amplified because you're more aware of it.  With your numbers, a cold is nothing more than what it would be for a neg person. Just take care of yourself, plenty of rest and liquids and the like, and if you spike a high fever then seek medical attention.

And Nyquil shots! ;D

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2007, 06:53:15 AM »
Good Morning JAG,

Listen guy, we are all scared at one time or another with this disease, and you wouldn't be normal if you didn't have some of that some time..  Getting sick with HIV is not unusual, nor will this one bout of whatever it is going to be the last.  Hell, your immune system is not broken but it surely isn't what it used to be, so it follows that you will get sick once in a while.  I felt the way you are now feeling several times in the period before I went to AIDS, but you get through.  

I would probably advise you to let it rest for a bit and when you see the doctor, try not to create anything in your mind that isn't real and isn't relavent to this very present time.  I know that isn't easy and our minds do give us a f--ck once in a while, but please, don't punish yourself for being perfectly normal.  That is for someone else to do.  

Please be centered, and don't worry about a cold.  With your numbers, there is no way a cold virus will have it's way with your body.  ;)

Love,
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,399
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2007, 09:59:17 AM »
Hey JAG,

Having a case of the worries is normal. Fact is, I still get them once in a while, and my numbers are pretty good too.

So, don't beat yourself up because you are being absolutely normal. Just try to keep in mind your numbers are good and what you have is a cold. Don't let your mind start inventing horrible scenarios.

Try to stay grounded in the fact that, overall, your health is good.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline joemutt

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,042
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2007, 10:01:31 AM »
It's normal to be scared, man, but it's also good to have hope and strength, I wish you both.

Offline Bucko

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,947
  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2007, 03:30:45 PM »
PuRn-

It's with experience of dealing with such things as colds that we eventually learn to live each day to the ultimate whenever possible. It sounds crazy, but there's courage to be found in facing one's mortality. It comes eventually, as you really have no other choice, doll.

As to this:
  By the time my mind is no longer hurting is that when my body will begin 2 fall apart?


I'm 47 and have been living with the virus for essentially all of my adult life. Aside from Brainfog and a slight change in my face due to the meds (which is not unbecoming), all the aches and bitches I have stem from just getting older: fading eyesight, poor hearing (too much dancing on speakers, I'm afraid) and a degenerative arthritic condition that I inherited from my Grandmother.

It's all part of living beyond thirty, dear.

Brent
(Who still has all his hair at least)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline purplerain

  • Member
  • Posts: 100
  • finally figured out the pic thing
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2007, 05:43:54 PM »
Thanks Guys.  I do feel better just having the chance 2 be honest with someone that I'm scared.  As I have told other people I put on such a mask 4 other people since I don't want them 2 be worried about me that I neglect whats really going on inside myself. 
So here's 2 colds, here's 2 getting older, and here's 2 having people that can remind us we are not alone.

4EVER greatfull 4 poz.com and the people on it
JAG

Offline bsboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
  • New Years 06
    • My space
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2007, 07:42:48 PM »
Purple...

I want to say How I can relate to your situation. although I have yet to get my first cold since my diagnosis.... Knock on wood... I have not been able to function all to well either. Ive gone from finding out, moving 800 miles to NC, to not being able to hold down a job, to one problem after another, now I have moved 900 miles north to NH, to try and regroup, but alas, finding a job has been a nightmare, you see, even previous to finding out my status, Ive always suffered from depression, and don't know how to cope anyway. now with all other things going on, I'm doing so much worse.  I'm now about to reach my 1 year anniversary of hiv, and still not doing well.  I do applaud you in your positive outlook on life. and only wish I will to get there someday soon.  I too want to Thanks POZ.  COM for being there for us and thank each and everyone that has been there in one way or another to offer advice and support.  Hugs to you all.

Brian
We cant control the wind..... but we can direct our sails.........

Offline tigger2376

  • Member
  • Posts: 462
  • too bad to die youngish!
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2007, 07:56:28 PM »
You don't have to feel stupid, its only normal that you should feel like that, we've all done it I think. I agree, the forums are a lifesaver, but its the people who are here that make it what it is..here for you and everyone else.
Never feel silly for feeling any worries, never feel that you can't ask questions..and you'll do Ok ;D
Heres to a long and fret free life
Jo
x
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2007, 08:39:08 PM »
Hi JAG, no need to feel stupid, most of us thought the same thing when a cold hit. I was infected in Oct, Diagnosed Dec 12th, and got a Xmas cold. I thought that was it. I came home from work, and laid on the couch all night, for weeks waiting to die in my sleep. That cold went away, and I caught another late January. Again, laid on the couch and waited to die in my sleep. Didn't happen. It was a cold.

Don't be afraid to open up to us about your fears. That's why we're here.

Feel better soon~

Paul :D
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline milker

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,034
  • Protected phone sex
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2007, 09:35:20 PM »
You're not stupid, you're wondering if all the bits and pieces of your body are functionning well despite having to deal with the HIV virus. Remember you don't just have 200 or 400 tcells, you have MILLIONS all over your body! It's not like 400 little soldiers alone, it's a fucking ARMY against your cold, and the difference is that this army already knows how to fight a cold, it's trained for it!

Remember, you can have a viral load that is higher compared to the number of tcells, higher in ratio, but very few infect cells, the other ones are floating around (those bastards). But they're just floating, so your immune system can concentrate on what it knows already. A light fever and aching muscles mean that your body is responding to it, so it's not ignoring it because it's so busy working on hiv!

Bigz Hugz :)

Milker
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline GoodMatchHawaiiRetreat

  • Member
  • Posts: 51
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2007, 03:19:38 AM »
I have been trying hard as of late 2 maintain a healty outlook about life what I call an Attitude of Grattitude.  It's been a great frame of mind 2 be in after finally coming out of the shell shock of finding out my diagnosis last June.  I have been spending less time focusing on the neg things in life or being around people who are constantly neg.  Trying not 2 take things 4 granted  blah blah blah-whatever-lol- truth is it has kept me from wanting 2 drive myself off a cliff and I have been feeling pretty good lately.
    So why do I feel stupid????  Because I have gotten my first cold since finding out I am poz and even though all my numbers are good and I probably have no real reason 2 be I am scared shitless.  I try and act 2 everyone like it's not a big deal 2 me or that having HIV is something Im ok with but deep down inside I don't think thats true.   I know people keep saying that things will get better but do they really????  By the time my mind is no longer hurting is that when my body will begin 2 fall apart?  I don't want 2 spend my life in fear and damnit im trying hard not 2 but I can't shake this feeling that this cold (if thats what it is seeing the doctor later today) is somehow, in some way, killing me.  I don't know if this makes sense 2 anyone and honestly im crying so hard right now I have no idea how this is really turning out.

Im sorry if I sound like Im whining or maybe Im just embarrassed that durring this moment of weakness Im exposing my self 2 u guys I don't know I have so many things running threw my head right now who's 2 say.  I don't even know where 2 end this except 2 say IM SCARED

Thank you for posting.  I believe everyone with HIV feels the fear when we become ill or have a blemish or  our body is feeling fatigue.  As a long term survivor (22 years) I still feel some of the fear when confronted with a bad flu.  I can tell you that as time goes by and you have the flu or a cold or skin blemish it becomes easier to trust that it is just a minor thing and not some major OI (opportunisitic infection) which will turn into AIDS and death.   A doctor once gave me some great advice which has helped me through the scary, but minor threats to health.  He said, "Give it TWO WEEKS, most minor things resolve themselves in two weeks."  It has been immensely helpful to have the two week time frame. I can let my mind stop worring until the 14th day.  And 99% of the time the illness has resolved by then.  The secret to my survival has been believing that I AM a long term survivor.  I've seen way too many friends and a lover panic at the first symptom and go to their death believing that they have AIDS and it will kill them.  A famous saying goes, "If you believe you can or can't...... you are right".
It applies to surviving contact with the HIV virus. 
     Sharing that you are feeling scared with friends is powerful.  They are not inundated with the symptoms and emotions you are experiencing and can help you put things back in perspective.
Feel free to PM me anytime you want to.  Best wishes for quick recovery.

Offline jimw

  • Member
  • Posts: 109
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2007, 04:24:11 PM »
That’s not stupid, that is normal – especially with the newly diagnosed.  We have all done it.  For example, a couple of months after I was diagnosed I was on the AIDS ride in California and discovered a bruise on my arm. I asked my friends whether I should go to the med tent – it turned out that I had accidentally pinched my arm when I was removing my arm warmers and got the bruise – boy did they gave me grief about that one for days (we still laugh about it) – but at the time, it really scared me – its OK to be scared – but things will get better.  Hugs, Jim 

Offline jack

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,578
  • fomerly the loser known as Jake
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #14 on: April 10, 2007, 05:02:43 PM »
everyone of us has felt the same way. Is this it? Is this the big one alice? Nope, its just a cold.
breakout the nyquil

Offline ndrew

  • Member
  • Posts: 695
  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #15 on: April 10, 2007, 05:13:55 PM »
Aw, buddy I'm sorry...

I am glad you feel comforable sharing your feelings with us.  After X-mas I had the flu, then a cold and then a sinus infection, I was feelin' stupid to! :)  But seriously, I used to get scared when I would get sick before being +, thinking I would NEVER get better. HIV sure does magnify my fears even more now. 

You will feel better soon and you should feel good that when you need help, you reach out to people.  That's a good thing and we are here for you!

Luv and support,
Drew

Offline otherplaces

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mutant Super Hero
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #16 on: April 10, 2007, 07:02:01 PM »

That first cold is definitely a rite of passage.  I didn't freak out too bad on my first one but it was definitely nagging me in the back of my head...so how's this going to play out???  I managed to get through it w/o seeing my doc.  Although I did get a huge crazy ZIT on my back once which I had my doc look at just to be safe.  To my credit I couldn't see it and thus wasn't sure what was going on back there, so I went to my doc to be safe.

much love,
brian


Offline purplerain

  • Member
  • Posts: 100
  • finally figured out the pic thing
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #17 on: April 11, 2007, 03:23:39 AM »
Thank U guys 4 all you support.  I'm glad 2 report that it was just a cold and feeling fine now.  This June will be a year since my diagnosis so hopefully I will be done with all my firsts... ie... first cold, first birthday, first Christmas, whatever.  Wouldn't have made it without the support from the people here even if it was just reading your posts U guys have always let me know I am not alone in this

Eternally Grateful
Jag

Offline northernguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,347
Re: Feeling Stupid
« Reply #18 on: April 11, 2007, 10:15:14 PM »
Glad to hear your feeling better Jag.  I can relate to your concerns.  I also notice I'm way more attuned to people coughing etc around me now.  I've even left queues at the supermarket if someone in front me is coughing.  I know it sounds silly but there you have it.
Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.