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Author Topic: How do single people deal ?  (Read 7146 times)

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Offline dtwpuck

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How do single people deal ?
« on: April 07, 2007, 07:55:19 PM »
One of the things I keep telling myself after my recent break up, is that I need to remain single for a while.  I find myself influenced by the cliches that float around "you need time to get to know yourself", "you need time to heal."  etc.

I have never in my life been single for long.  For that matter, this is the first time in 15 years I have lived alone.  I've always at least had a roommate.

Don't get me wrong.  I feel it is better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship.

I find myself enjoying my freedom to an extent.  I see a guy in a bar I want to meet and there is no nagging voice in the back of my head saying I shouldn't.  If I decide to cruise online and pick someone up at six in the morning, I can.

But the other side of it is, that I don't have much experience with this.  Relationships are what I have learned how to do.  I can't say I've always made the best choices, but being alone in my place is really driving me crazy.   I keep trying to keep busy, but there just is only so much I can clean and only so long I can watch tv, and only so many times I can go to the gym. 

How do single guys remain single and like it?  I talk to guys all the time who have exactly zero interest in being with someone.  This mystifies me at times because there's part of me that just doesn't know how to relate.   Even as I near forty, I guess I am learning a lot.  I just don't know where to start.

Sigh
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline puertorico2006

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2007, 08:06:19 PM »
i think we have the opposite problem....all i know how to do is be single (in fact i just posted that its wierd)....

Being hapilly single is easy when you have lots of other single (or coupled) friends that you enjoy doing things with....i think thats always been my trick and the reason i love it (but am now debating what i want i guess so im confused lol)

anyways hope you learn how to enjoy being single...and if not you find a good partner

-josh
(who usually knows what he wants until something comes along and confuses him)
Infected Probably: may 2005
Diagnosed: 11/2006

11/28/2006 CD4:309 / VL: 1907 No meds yet
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Offline thunter34

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2007, 08:10:13 PM »
I'm like you, puck.  Despite my best intentions, I have always found myself behaving in a way that is directly paving the road for a relationship and soon as I am single.  I can repeat the mantras over and over about "needing my time", but I still end up behaving otherwise.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline milker

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2007, 08:14:15 PM »
I'm one of those that is happier single than in a relationship. I've had great relationships, but when it's over it's actually better. I never had a roommate in my life, and cannot imagine having one. I've had friends stay over for a couple of weeks and I was going totally crazy. I guess I'm happier as an hermit.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
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may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjasô

Offline GoodMatchHawaiiRetreat

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2007, 08:14:35 PM »
A wise person once said,   "We humans spend 50% of our time trying to get into a relationship....
and the other 50% trying to get out of one."
       My longest term relationship was 11 years. 
Had a difficult break-up with one partner that left me wanting to avoid relationship for a long time.  Seems I used to always be the "pursued" and felt like I had a long string of broken hearts.  It also seemed that carrying the attitude that i didn't want a relationship attracted men in an amazingly strong way.
      After a recent experience that "almost" became a relationship I realize I'm open to it again.
I find fulfillment in art, video and photography, creative project, friends, outdoor activities, etc.  But definitely know that feeling of "wouldn't this be great to share with someone". 
Spending time in nature when I get that "alone" feeling works best for me.  A walk to the ocean, hiking in the mountains, etc.  Somehow nature has a way of re-setting our minds to realize that we are a small and relatively insignificant element of the universe.  And building a relationship with onself, one realizes that we are inherrently strong, self-sufficient and can do just fine on our own.   
   Staying focused on the positive benefits of being single helps too.  There are realistically things which work better when single (dating multiple guys at the same time for instance!).    Relationships happen when they need to happen. And they can be phenomenally rewarding.  But I've seen too many men fret their lives away making themselves miserable about not having a boyfriend and missing the joys of getting to know themselves and enjoying life.  Confident, self-aware men are much more attractive.
    Some thoughts.....   If this doesn't help,  come marry me.  <big grin>

Offline dtwpuck

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2007, 08:35:26 PM »
Thunter ~  I'm glad someone else can relate.  I am just not sure how to find the right balance between making a good decision and just reacting to something more primal in my personality.

PR ~ I am definitely doing my best to fill time up with friends.  I am going to a movie tomorrow with one... and last night I hung out with a bunch of friends and sang karaoke... it was hysterical.

Milker ~ a hermit you are not. lol 

Hawaii ~ One of the things I like best is being out in the woods with my bike, the trees and the wind.  The weird thing about confidence is that it is a double edged sword.  I project a lot of confidence.  It's truly very easy for me to walk up to someone and introduce myself.  I don't worry too much about rejection or the opinions of others too much.  What I do end up doing is getting caught up in the moment.  Despite all of my attempts at careful communication, I am very impulsive and very romantic at heart.  These are positive attributes, but when I leave them unchecked and unbalanced, i make mistakes which end up hurting me in the long run.

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline thunter34

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2007, 08:42:16 PM »
I can totally relate.  I moved back to Atlanta after my first LT ended- with the intention of being single and care-free, etc.  I was grocery shopping with the boy that would become hubby #2 within two weeks of arrival in town.  Oh, we still went out into clubs and stuff, but I already felt "boyfriendy" from the beginning. 

I suspect the sad truth to me is to give me rope.  Let me believe I am free to have any piece of ass I want....you'll probably never have me reigned in tighter.  Start circling me with a white picket fence, and I will probably start trying to figure out how to jump over it.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline dtwpuck

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2007, 08:43:59 PM »

I suspect the sad truth to me is to give me rope.  Let me believe I am free to have any piece of ass I want....you'll probably never have me reigned in tighter.  Start circling me with a white picket fence, and I will probably start trying to figure out how to jump over it.

OK, now we are definitely talking the same language!
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline StanDaMan

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2007, 08:53:07 PM »
How do single guys remain single and like it? 

God, that's an easy one.  Total self-absorption. 

My question is how couples stay together?  The idea of a boyfriend or partner is nice but you have to do things he wants to do sometimes or he gets upset!   It didn't take long to figure out my priorities! 

SD

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Stanley: I hope it's cloudy tomorrow!

Offline milker

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2007, 08:58:09 PM »
I was grocery shopping with the boy that would become hubby #2 within two weeks of arrival in town.

What's your secret ?  :o :o :o :o :o I use Dove, doesn't seem to work for me  :D :D :D :D :D

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjasô

Offline Basquo

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2007, 09:00:06 PM »

I suspect the sad truth to me is to give me rope.  Let me believe I am free to have any piece of ass I want....you'll probably never have me reigned in tighter.  Start circling me with a white picket fence, and I will probably start trying to figure out how to jump over it.


I find that reinforcing the rope prevents bad pups from jumping the fence.

But seriously, I always had to be with someone ASAP when I ended a relationship. I now have a rule that I have to date someone a year before I move in with them. That gives me adequate time to assess if we have more in common than crafting and sex (not in that order.)  Making that move could result in years of misery...the worst was the last one, who had been accepted by my family as family, and then turned out to be a skank. I've been attached at times but living on my own ever since.

Now back to my first statement, about reinforcing the rope...maybe I won't be so controlling with the next one...and maybe channeling Martha Stewart for fencing options should be avoided...

Don't be afraid to date, but maybe you should try to remain single for awhile.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2007, 09:03:48 PM »
The answer is simple. Fuck buddies.

Because, take a look around people, it's the best any of us in this place can ever expect to do. Those of us who are in relationships or yearning to be are really just terrified of dying alone.

And quite frankly, that fear is most probably justified. The endless dramatic cycle of futile expectation and totally predictable disappointment of the great relationship hunt simply serves grimly to enliven our otherwise tedious lives.

The world is harsh and unpleasant place and no amount of synthetically cheerful threads or exhortations to "step back and be kinder" to each other is going to change that.

It's about time all of us resigned ourselves to being single. We deserve no better.

Fondly,

MtD

Offline thunter34

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2007, 09:05:09 PM »
OK, now we are definitely talking the same language!

Yup.  Thought so.  That was the mistake Hubby #2 made.  Early on, we were wide open and care-free.  In the clubs and groping with the mens.  The result?  Nobody but him had a chance.  Sometime after, he did a flip and got really picket fence and china pattern on me...and rather suddenly.  And when he did, he started immediatly putting it in all or nothing terms...kind of a pressure thing.  Suddenly, every man on the street looked a little bit hotter.  Seemed to flirt with me a little bit more.  Seemed just a bit more tempting.  

But I recognize in myself that if I have the mental freedom, I will immediately slip into domesticated behavior.  

EDITED FOR:  Don't entirely agree with that, Matty.  For me, it is more than just not dying alone.  There's an intimacy that comes with being someone in that kind of relationship that (for me) is fulfilling in a completely different way than just fucking.  I dare say each and every one of us really dies alone.  It's the living alone that scares me more than the dying.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2007, 09:09:28 PM by thunter34 »
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline bocker3

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2007, 09:17:20 PM »
Those of us who are in relationships or yearning to be are really just terrified of dying alone.
Oh my goodness, I hope that is not true for most folks -- although I'm sure it's likely true for some.  As I approach 17 years with Sid, I feel confident that it is more than being terrified of being alone (to die, or otherwise).  We do spend some time apart, which is very helpful and healthful, but invariably when I'm off alone, I see something and think, "I wish he were here to see this."  In many ways he and I are very opposite -- I think that helps.  Although the biggest thing is that we have fun together -- and we are best friends.
That's not to say it's all a bed of roses, but, for me anyway, I'm pretty sure it's not about being terrified of dying alone.
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
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Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2007, 09:25:17 PM »
I've been told numerous times that I'm an incredibly challenging person to have a relationship with, so consequently I've only had two of any lengthy duration, the last having ended six years ago.  I'm actually quite comfortable being single.  I answer to no one and do what I want, when I want.  It's what I'm used to I guess... from a young age as a teen ager I swore to myself I never wanted to depend on another living soul for anything.  Doesn't that sound dreadful when written down?

Still, I have nothing theoretically against relationships, I've just always refused to "settle" for someone that wasn't the right fit, simply because of a "needy" factor of being in a relationship.  I want to be in love with a person, not in love with the abstract idea of being in love -- if that makes sense.  I've known way too many gay men who seem to require being involved with someone else to feel any self-worth.  I'm the polar opposite of that mindset I'm afraid.

Don't get me wrong though -- if the right guy walked into my life and I felt it was the right fit I'd put 100% effort into the relationship.  Plus I'm a lot of fun and a good cook.  And I dress really well too.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2007, 09:27:43 PM by philly267 »
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #15 on: April 07, 2007, 09:27:37 PM »
Don't entirely agree with that, Matty.  For me, it is more than just not dying alone.  There's an intimacy that comes with being someone in that kind of relationship that (for me) is fulfilling in a completely different way than just fucking.  I dare say each and every one of us really dies alone.  It's the living alone that scares me more than the dying.

Well of course people aren't going to agree with me, Kid. This is AIDSMEDS and unpalatable truths have never been popular. It's so much easier to scrunch our eyes closed, tap our ruby heels and wish to be back in Kansas.

Or wherever.

As for the living versus dying alone stuff, well I'm pretty sure I got that right too. I don't see too many of us doing a great deal of "living" around here. There's plenty of empty existing going on, though.

It's time to be practical. Most of us are just running the clock out. We're never going to be anyone special or do anything worthwhile. I doubt a majority of us will ever even earn a square in the AIDS Memorial Quilt.

Why not relieve some of the ennui along the way with vapid, short term physical relationships which, quite appropriately, mean nothing?

MtD

Offline dtwpuck

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #16 on: April 07, 2007, 09:29:35 PM »
Definitely I'd have to agree that intimacy is the *thing* about a relationship that I crave the most.

I have had quite a variety on the open/monogamous thing, and some of them worked and some of them didn't.  I definitely didn't break up with guys because we were open.. hell being a slut was one more thing we had in common.  Monogamy, however, has been a sore spot for me.  When i agree to it, i do it.  But I hate when the physical initimacy dies off.  How in the hell are you supposed to remain faithful and in love if you don't have sex with each other?

Anyway...

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline milker

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2007, 09:38:09 PM »
Sounds like there is a need for "are you afraid of death" topic, but I won't start that one  :o

I relate to philly (except that i'm a bad cook). I sure did experience love, both ways, and it's great, it's really great, I won't deny it. But this delightful feeling didn't last. When I see  those old couples that have been married for 50 years and definitely deeply love each other and have a great life of happiness being together, yes, i'm jealous, I want it too. But then again i'm so cool being single and alone. Lots of my friends don't understand it at all.

Is it all about sex? I doubt it. When i've been in a relationship sex was good but I needed less of it, I was more enjoying the cuddles that you don't get when you're the "bitch in heat".

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjasô

Offline Jerry71

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2007, 09:48:40 PM »
Just like everyone else!

Just some are lucky enough to find what they are looking for and others it just takes longer for them to find what they are looking for.

I for one have never seriously been in a real relationship. I have dated guys before. Also have even tied the knot and married a girl that I thought things would work out and maybe one day have children together. Right like that lasted long enough. It lasted a whole 7 months. We split and were back together in three months and went another 7 months.

After that I saw the light and started to date guys. Thinking that being with a guy would be different, wrong first guy I was with lasted two months. The next lasted 4 months.

You can say I am not the type of guy someone wants to spend there life with. I can be moody at times then aging with all the meds we have to take who ever is not in a bad mood.

So after getting out of my recent relationship with the guy that I moved in with in October. I have just decided to call it quits. Just not any use in trying to find that special someone.

So to answer your question,  How do single people deal? day by day just like everyone else.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2007, 09:51:51 PM by Jerry71 »

Offline thunter34

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #19 on: April 07, 2007, 10:00:02 PM »
Don't entirely agree with that, Matty.  For me, it is more than just not dying alone.  There's an intimacy that comes with being someone in that kind of relationship that (for me) is fulfilling in a completely different way than just fucking.  I dare say each and every one of us really dies alone.  It's the living alone that scares me more than the dying.

Well of course people aren't going to agree with me, Kid. This is AIDSMEDS and unpalatable truths have never been popular. It's so much easier to scrunch our eyes closed, tap our ruby heels and wish to be back in Kansas.

Or wherever.

As for the living versus dying alone stuff, well I'm pretty sure I got that right too. I don't see too many of us doing a great deal of "living" around here. There's plenty of empty existing going on, though.

It's time to be practical. Most of us are just running the clock out. We're never going to be anyone special or do anything worthwhile. I doubt a majority of us will ever even earn a square in the AIDS Memorial Quilt.

Why not relieve some of the ennui along the way with vapid, short term physical relationships which, quite appropriately, mean nothing?

MtD

I don't see living (or just existing) alone to be a very palatable truth either. I'm hoping to relieve the ennui with some of both- short and long term vapid relationships that mean nothing.  I've got a lot of ennui to relieve and, hopefully, a good bit of clock left to run out as well.  Don't really care if I earn a square on a quilt, though.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline thunter34

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #20 on: April 07, 2007, 10:50:02 PM »
My relationships and indeed my existence may ultimately come to mean nothing, but it helps me to continue to hope that at some point they might.

My own personal way of clicking my heels.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #21 on: April 07, 2007, 10:54:14 PM »
Hmmm. Perhaps I've not expressed myself as elegantly as I could have.

What I'm trying to say is that the overwhelming majority of us are dead on the inside. Rather than being surprised that when normal emotionally functional people spurn us as they would spurn typhoid rats, we should simply accept that cheap anonymous sex the only thing of value we have to offer.

MtD

Offline Buckmark

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #22 on: April 07, 2007, 11:28:50 PM »
Being single -- a topic I can identify with.  I've only had 2 relationships in my 42 years,
and have been single for almost 5 years now.  I'd love to be in a relationship, but from
my previous relationships, I realize it has to be the right relationship with the right person.
For me, that seems elusive.  So until then I am more than happy to remain single, rather
than get in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. 

Philly has phrased it well for me:  I want to be in love with a man, not in love with the
idea of being in love with a man.  Unfortunately, my previous relationships
were based more on the latter than the former.  Live and learn.  In the meantime I
enjoy the freedom of being single, and not having to answer to anyone.  Though I'd
gladly "answer" to the right guy.   ;)

I've got to agree with Tim -- the "white picket fence" thing is a sure way to send me
me running in the other direction.  The more someone tries to confine me, the more
I rebel.  I mean, I love sharing things and doing things together with a partner.  As Puck
says, intimacy is the thing about a relationship that I want to the most.  But that doesn't
mean that I have to or want to do everything together with my partner, least of all
picking out china patterns, or buying that perfect house in the perfect neighborhood.

It seems to me that when people enter relationships, they need to be able to understand
and deal with what they have in common, and what they do not.  Maybe this means I'm
difficult to have a relationship with.  Maybe this means I have some issues with intimacy. 
There's probably some truth in both of those. 

Matty's views stated below seem awfully pessimistic to me, though he is certainly
entitled to his opinion.  My opinion is that maybe folks need to reconsider what is
really important to them in a relationship.  And if you still can't find that, I don't
think that means the alternative is necessarily fuck buddies (unless that is what
you want).  Everyone should have the kind of relationship(s) they want.  It's the
nature of life that there are no guarantees that you'll find it.  Many people I know
do, however.  So why not me, too?

Also, in regards to Puck's question:  How in the hell are you supposed to remain
faithful and in love if you don't have sex with each other?  I don't think you can.
The lack of physical intimacy is often a sign of other problems in a relationship.
I'd like to find a guy who is strong enough to want to work on those kinds of
problems.  With both of my partners, I remember begging them to see a
professional to help us work through our problems, to no avail.  I think that is
what really broke my heart, is that they didn't feel strongly enough to try.

Excellent topic, Puck.   I'm not sure I've given you much advice on dealing
with being single, though.

Best Regards,

Henry



"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2007, 11:34:17 PM »
OK Henry... let's get hitched.  I like non-needy types.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Buckmark

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2007, 11:44:25 PM »
Well of course people aren't going to agree with me, Kid. This is AIDSMEDS and unpalatable truths have never been popular. It's so much easier to scrunch our eyes closed, tap our ruby heels and wish to be back in Kansas.

Here it is again:  another post where the author is so unequivocal in their beliefs as to state
that people are in denial if they do not agree with him.  

Needless to say, Matty, I see it differently.

Now, where are my ruby slippers?

Henry

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Buckmark

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2007, 11:59:57 PM »
God, that's an easy one.  Total self-absorption. 

My question is how couples stay together?  The idea of a boyfriend or partner is nice but you have to do things he wants to do sometimes or he gets upset!   It didn't take long to figure out my priorities! 

I've certainly seen these kind of relationships, and they would never work for me -- nor
do I think it has to be this way. 

In a relationship, people will have some interests that they share, and some
that they do not.  You shouldn't have to give up your own interests, or be forced to pick
up someone else's if you don't want.  It would seem to me to be the height of
self-absorption to think that your partner will always do everything you want them to.

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline thunter34

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #26 on: April 08, 2007, 12:04:20 AM »
I think I understand Matty's posts a bit more now.  We shouldn't be suprised if people don't want more from us unless we offer more that is worth wanting, perhaps?

And I should add that I am indeed guilty to a large degree.  I've let myself do far more existing than living during much of the previous couple of years. 
« Last Edit: April 08, 2007, 12:06:27 AM by thunter34 »
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #27 on: April 08, 2007, 12:13:22 AM »
Here it is again:  another post where the author is so unequivocal in their beliefs as to state
that people are in denial if they do not agree with him. 


Which is entirely different to dismissing someone for holding a strong point of view on an issue, isn't it dear Henry?

MtD

Offline budndallastx

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2007, 12:43:34 AM »
I have friends who are "relationship-oriented" and those that aren't.  I happen to be in the latter category.   I have often wondered if there was something in our upbringing triggering the need to be with someone or alone?  I am sure it's not a specific situation (e.g. divorced parents, crowded house, etc.) defining our eventual relationship type.

I have lived alone now for 18 years and frankly like the independence of coming home and not being surprised with unwanted guests or having to do something when dead tired.  The sad part of this lifestyle is there is no one to come home to and talk some nights.  I am not afraid of dying alone but I'm worried at some point I won't have any friends then I'll truly be alone.  That's the scary scenario.
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Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2007, 02:38:12 AM »
I feel like I have the best of both worlds in my relationship. My partner is a flight attendant and he is gone for days at a time. That gives me time to do the things I like to do that he has no interest in. While he is gone I watch the TV show I like - Mythbusters, The Office, Sci-fi stuff. I go for long bike rides, eat what I feel like eating, stay on the computer as long as I want. I miss him, he comes back and we do the things we love to do together. I tell him about my goings on and he tells me about his adventures around the globe. We always have things to talk about. Last month I went to Southern California for a week and he stayed home, which was kind of a fun role reversal.

I know I could be single and happy, however I think dating and being HIV+ would be a challenge. I sympathize with all you guys who have to continually jump that hurdle.

Offline BooBoo

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #30 on: April 08, 2007, 10:05:28 AM »
How do single guys remain single and like it?

Well I'm single and I can tell you that I DON'T like it one bit.  I haven't been in any type of real relationship since 1990.  Sure, I've become comfortable with living alone....which could be a good thing I guess.  But I've been alone for so long and have become so set in my ways that I don't think I would know how to act if I found myself in a relationship again.  I think that is something I should try to fix.

Jim
« Last Edit: April 08, 2007, 10:09:20 AM by BooBoo »

Offline budndallastx

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #31 on: April 08, 2007, 10:34:28 AM »
Quote
But I've been alone for so long and have become so set in my ways that I don't think I would know how to act if I found myself in a relationship again

That could be the crux of the problem.  Many of us are so used to living on our own when something possibly happens, we tend to see them as invading our space instead of sharing the space with us.  Men in particular do need alone time and any relationship to work will need to have that alone time yet many guys see that as being bad.

For me, if I do meet anyone and then they start to call me 2-3-4 times a day then I start thinking they're co-dependent which scares me to no end.  I am not going to get involved with someone who has dependency issues. 
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9/8/2008 VL:<48 CD4 573 (30%)
5/2008 VL:<48 CD4 464 (30%)
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9/2007   VL: <50  CD4 465 (27%)
6/2007   VL: <50   CD4 443 (26%)
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Offline dtwpuck

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #32 on: April 08, 2007, 11:28:04 AM »
Excellent topic, Puck.   I'm not sure I've given you much advice on dealing
with being single, though.

Best Regards,

Henry



Thanks Henry... I woke up this morning well rested and happy.  I called a friend and we watched a movie together last night... in other words I resisted the temptation to go to a bar.  This morning I got a wild hair and went grocery shopping and I am going to make food for the week, despite the fact that I am currently eating the single man's staple... a bowl of cereal. lol

I enjoyed reading your response and remain constantly impressed by your depth and compassion. 
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline dtwpuck

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #33 on: April 08, 2007, 11:29:39 AM »


For me, if I do meet anyone and then they start to call me 2-3-4 times a day then I start thinking they're co-dependent which scares me to no end.  I am not going to get involved with someone who has dependency issues. 

I really think people throw the word co-dependent around a bit too much.  Someone calling you several times a day means they like you.  It doesn't mean they can't think without you.
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline Buckmark

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #34 on: April 08, 2007, 12:02:59 PM »
Both BooBoo and BudnDallas bring up an interesting point.  I sometimes worry
that I have been single for so long that I am too set in my ways, that I see the
possibility of a relationship as an invasion of my space.  A good reminder to me
to get out of the rut I can too easily fall into.

But I definitely feel I need "alone time", even when I am in a relationship.
I don't think that is unreasonable -- is it?

Henry 
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline mjmel

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #35 on: April 08, 2007, 12:21:32 PM »
Dear dtwpuck, Ah! Just what I suspected of you all along! A sweet, loving "people person."
« Last Edit: April 08, 2007, 12:24:15 PM by mjmel »

Offline Buckmark

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #36 on: April 08, 2007, 12:59:56 PM »
Dear dtwpuck, Ah! Just what I suspected of you all along! A sweet, loving "people person."

Was this ever in question?   :)

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline dtwpuck

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #37 on: April 08, 2007, 04:21:13 PM »

But I definitely feel I need "alone time", even when I am in a relationship.
I don't think that is unreasonable -- is it?

Henry 

Time alone is always important... just as important as time together.  As long as neither of them become pathological, I suspect there is a balance. 
What hurts relationships is when the need for alone time becomes the excuse not to deal with issues.  Relationships definitely are a lot of work. 
I can recall being happiest, though, in some relationships when we've both been in the same room doing our own thing... he playing a video game... me watching a documentary.  Nothing to say.. just being comfortable.

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline budndallastx

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #38 on: April 08, 2007, 05:21:38 PM »
Quote
Someone calling you several times a day means they like you.  It doesn't mean they can't think without you.

I am not throwing that term around.  I was seeing someone who truly was codependent and it was not an easy time.  Looking back he was a nice guy but he needed someone to validate his existence and without that validation he would freak.  He was seeing a psychologist for this problem but he never came to terms with it.  The scary part was the person knocking on your door at 3am or calling around to see where I was.  It was very freaky to say the least and hence my hesitancy on people who call multiple times a day without anything to say.  It's cute at first but after a couple of weeks you must develop a balance.
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12/08/2008 VL:<48 CD4 622 (38%)   
9/8/2008 VL:<48 CD4 573 (30%)
5/2008 VL:<48 CD4 464 (30%)
1/2008  VL: <50  CD4 425(28%)
9/2007   VL: <50  CD4 465 (27%)
6/2007   VL: <50   CD4 443 (26%)
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11/2006 - VL:  22K  CD4: 208 (18%)

Offline dtwpuck

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #39 on: April 08, 2007, 06:11:04 PM »
I am not throwing that term around.  I was seeing someone who truly was codependent and it was not an easy time.  Looking back he was a nice guy but he needed someone to validate his existence and without that validation he would freak.  He was seeing a psychologist for this problem but he never came to terms with it.  The scary part was the person knocking on your door at 3am or calling around to see where I was.  It was very freaky to say the least and hence my hesitancy on people who call multiple times a day without anything to say.  It's cute at first but after a couple of weeks you must develop a balance.

Well that makes sense.... I once played with a guy who decided that for the next six weeks he needed to stop by unannounced... once he got into the building and was sleeping in front of my door when I left my apartment. Yikes

what did you end up doing

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline StanDaMan

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #40 on: April 09, 2007, 02:57:17 PM »
Since my (attempted) semi-humorous response went nowhere I'll try candor this time.

I haven't been in a serious relationship since 1991. That ended when I began feeling deja vu-ie about how similar the relationship was to that of my parents, and that scared the shit out of me.   I've been in therapy off and on trying to deal with these issues but I'm still the same, with faults to share.  They're the same faults which sabotaged almost every relationship I've had.

I don't feel like tainted goods but do fear starting another relationship using the paradigm imprinted on me as a child.  As puck said in his first post, being alone is preferable to a bad relationship.  It is occasionally difficult since I desire the intimacy shared by two people in love.  Intimacy is more important than sex.  I don't engage in casual sex any longer because it's ultimately depressing.  Every blue moon I'd share intimacy in a casual encounter but typically we were merely getting off and after business is taken care of we go our separate ways.   

It's been over 15 years since my last relationship and I am comfortable being single.  If a man comes along and something happens it will.  I'm not holding my breath, though.

SD

 
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Stanley: I hope it's cloudy tomorrow!

Offline bravebuddharich

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #41 on: April 09, 2007, 08:07:54 PM »
Interesting posts -

I have a strange split in my life - I had no family for the first 9 years, then my new family was a happily married (52 years) couple!! So I have this split in my life. I want a relationship, had a 5 year one I really liked, but.. Now I have no idea how to go about getting back into dating, never seem to meet anybody available (meet lots of guys who are unavailable, and have sex buds, but that's not the same thing) 

I worry that I am so used to being single, yet I know I want a relationship, and with the right guy, it could really work!

Metta,
Rich

Offline woodshere

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #42 on: April 10, 2007, 09:42:17 AM »
Interesting posts -

I have a strange split in my life - I had no family for the first 9 years, then my new family was a happily married (52 years) couple!! So I have this split in my life. I want a relationship, had a 5 year one I really liked, but.. Now I have no idea how to go about getting back into dating, never seem to meet anybody available (meet lots of guys who are unavailable, and have sex buds, but that's not the same thing) 

I worry that I am so used to being single, yet I know I want a relationship, and with the right guy, it could really work!

Metta,
Rich

I've always heard when you stop looking is when he will walk through the door.  So I now find myself blindfolded sitting at my front door.
Woods

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Offline GoodMatchHawaiiRetreat

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #43 on: April 17, 2007, 12:57:48 AM »
Spending time with others doing what brings you joy is a great way to deal.
Sports, hiking, swimming, cards, community college classes, dancing, etc.
Many couples met at social activities of a common interest. It narrows the field and puts you in contact with others of similar interest.  And if MrRight doesn't appear you have a great time doing what you enjoy and with others who share the same interests.

Offline carousel

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #44 on: April 17, 2007, 06:06:04 AM »
For about ten years, I went from one boyfriend to the next, give or take a few months.  It felt strange to suddenly emerge in to my mid-thirties and realise that there was nobody around.

It wasnít what I was expecting.  From being a very solitary child, I thought that I would be a loner.  As time went on, I realised how much I need somebody around.   

Iím not ready for a boyfriend, I keep telling myself and Iíve been in no rush or had any inclination to go out there and find one.  Even in social situations, I tend to focus on who Iím with and donít pay much attention to the people around me.

I told myself I needed time to deal with the whole HIV thing, but now thatís seem to have worn thin.  I feel scared at the very idea of even being intimate with somebody, although when Iím daydreaming, it would be lovely.  I have pushed people away that have attempted to get close.  I would rather not deal with all the shenanigans.

When things are not going well, I suffer from night terrors.  I wake myself, and probably the neighbours, screaming my head off.  When Iím in deep sleep, it can take a few minutes for me to wake myself up, which is horrible.  I know Iím screaming, but canít move my body.  It happened last night.  It always reminds me that thereís nobody there to calm me down and cuddle up close.

Jeez, I need a boyfriend. :-\

Offline izprince1984

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #45 on: April 17, 2007, 01:44:10 PM »
One of the things I keep telling myself after my recent break up, is that I need to remain single for a while.  I find myself influenced by the cliches that float around "you need time to get to know yourself", "you need time to heal."  etc.

I have never in my life been single for long.  For that matter, this is the first time in 15 years I have lived alone.  I've always at least had a roommate.

Don't get me wrong.  I feel it is better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship.

I find myself enjoying my freedom to an extent.  I see a guy in a bar I want to meet and there is no nagging voice in the back of my head saying I shouldn't.  If I decide to cruise online and pick someone up at six in the morning, I can.

But the other side of it is, that I don't have much experience with this.  Relationships are what I have learned how to do.  I can't say I've always made the best choices, but being alone in my place is really driving me crazy.   I keep trying to keep busy, but there just is only so much I can clean and only so long I can watch tv, and only so many times I can go to the gym. 

How do single guys remain single and like it?  I talk to guys all the time who have exactly zero interest in being with someone.  This mystifies me at times because there's part of me that just doesn't know how to relate.   Even as I near forty, I guess I am learning a lot.  I just don't know where to start.

Sigh

I don't really like the one size fits all cliches, you never really do get to know a person until you live with them though, they usually change, a lot.

I've been in and out of relationships, I've just said "Fuck it!" and started screwing around, which got me into the mess I'm in, there's a lot of people out there, just keep looking, there's going to be many of them that just aren't right for you.

I've soldiered my way through some bad relationships, let guys get away with murder, and I'm tired of that.
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Offline dtwpuck

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #46 on: April 17, 2007, 06:51:00 PM »

I've soldiered my way through some bad relationships, let guys get away with murder, and I'm tired of that.

Yeah... I'm done being a soldier... 
Hey, by the way... I really am finding that this being single thing isn't so weird after all...

I can't tell if it's just a change in me after being in relationships for so long... or if it's just dumb luck... but I have been having quite a bit of really high quality fun lately... not just in the sack, but in my social life in general.  I'm starting to think that just because I have been in relationships my whole life doesn't mean that I can't be really damn happy outside of one. 
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #47 on: April 17, 2007, 07:56:03 PM »
I think this is a decent topic..To just add my piece..... I kinda agree with Matty there but I am speaking on myself not on others. I have never been in a relationship longer than 5 years and my marriage went in under a year.....Ok, so there is definitely some issues there, ok! I have been the one to end all of them for various reasons but never to go to someone else.

As of late, I have been pondering on this subject because I tend to get lonely but then I think about how my past relationships ended up and prefer to be alone or have a relationship where I got my own crib and you got yours mentality. Maybe it's the onset of menopause or something but I realize I have gotten set in my ways. But on the other hand, I do think about dying alone and the thought is scary to me but at the same time I wouldn't want to have any take care of me, I would feel like a burden.

Just putting that out there. Hey, I been gone for a few weeks, I got a lot of catching up to do. ;D
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Offline dgr20002

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Re: How do single people deal ?
« Reply #48 on: April 17, 2007, 10:51:51 PM »
Well I am new here so I will just jump in and ramble a bit. Don't read it if you don't want too  :) I am not new to HIV though, I've been poz 20 years now. Honestly the thing I like least about being single is not having a guy to come home too, share what happened during the day, have dinner and then relax and do whatever for the evening then cuddle up in bed get up for coffee and start a new day. My downfall in every relationship is that I have never needed or wanted as much sex as my partner. I just don't and eventually it drives them off. Has happened in the two relationships I have had. One was 11 years and the other was over 3 years. I can't explain it and it isn't like I am looking elsewhere for sex it is just that I am not ever really horny anymore. Though Viagra does work if I take it, but it gives me headaches. Anyway,

As far as dying alone. I am not worried about that. I am worried though about being sick and being alone. Maybe thats true of a lot of guys, maybe not. I have no siblings and just my 82 yo Dad in the world. A few friends, the best of which is moving across the country in just a few weeks. So I wonder how I would cope and how I would do the things that needed doing to survive the day to day tasks were I really sick and just unable to do them.

I don't need a partner for that. In fact I am begining to think I will find someone who feels the same way and we can live together and share expenses and watch each others backs in the event either needed a bit of help along the way. Both still being single and enjoying life that way.

What is anyone's honest take on something like that? At 45 I do not feel like dating and dating. I am fine with going out with friends. I know it is said the he comes along when you least expect it but I don't believe it  lol.

David
Washington, DC


 


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