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Author Topic: I've been bad  (Read 42624 times)

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Offline milker

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  • Protected phone sex
I've been bad
« on: April 05, 2007, 10:23:09 PM »
I went to a bar yesterday and meet this hot guy who at one point tells me that his online name is "... bb ...".  He's hot. I want him. I fuck him bb. He fucks me bb. We never mentionned HIV. We go to a sex club and I get unknown dick up my ass (for a few seconds, after I realized it was unprotected I "remove it"), I'm drunk I suck 20 or more dicks.

I don't think I've put anyone in serious threat for HIV. I didn't cum in him. Nobody came in me.

I need to know how you people deal with this. I can't whisper "I'm HIV+" in a backroom. I can't.

PM me if you want to keep this private.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Lis

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  • Posts: 601
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2007, 10:31:12 PM »
Dude... Thats sad....

karma.... or not....


sad
poz 1986....

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2007, 10:32:20 PM »
I know :( but i don't think i'm the only one. I'm honest here.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline koi1

  • Member
  • Posts: 713
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2007, 10:32:34 PM »
Girl you were busy. You did it. But do you really want to go through the worry of getting something else and infecting someone else? I am sad I hope you are okay.

rob
diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline DingoBoi

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2007, 10:34:23 PM »
Quote
Dude... Thats sad....

karma.... or not....


sad
judgemental much?

It's real.  More real than most of the bullshit conversations that go on here.

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2007, 10:35:38 PM »
I'm good but I need to hear from other people that did what I did. It's not easy. I'm sure I sound like a HIV spreader now. But I know I'm not alone and I need help dealing with this.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline milker

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  • Protected phone sex
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2007, 10:37:03 PM »
Thanks Dingo. I'm very open about this because I need to figure out how to deal with this.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Lis

  • Member
  • Posts: 601
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2007, 10:38:05 PM »
bailey... not judging...

I know that this transition is tuff for a 20 year old.... I'm just being honest.. sorry to all
poz 1986....

Offline budndallastx

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  • Posts: 463
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2007, 10:38:42 PM »
Its sounds as if when you're Good, you're very very good ... !

And when you're bad, you're realy really bad .. !

No judgement here !
Meds since: 11/20/2006
Sustiva / Truvada
12/08/2008 VL:<48 CD4 622 (38%)   
9/8/2008 VL:<48 CD4 573 (30%)
5/2008 VL:<48 CD4 464 (30%)
1/2008  VL: <50  CD4 425(28%)
9/2007   VL: <50  CD4 465 (27%)
6/2007   VL: <50   CD4 443 (26%)
3/2007  VL: <50   CD4 385 (25%)
12/2006 - VL: <50   CD4: 384 (25%)
11/2006 - VL:  22K  CD4: 208 (18%)

Offline DingoBoi

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  • Bailey's Infected Cream™ Served since 2004
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2007, 10:42:04 PM »
point being lis that your comment is completely unconstructive to a real, legitimate issue.

It was only condemnation and nothing else and shouldn't have been posted at all without anything but condemnation to contribute.

Now please, let's not derail a very serious topic.


(((((((

People who go to sex clubs put themselves at peril if they want to bb, just like a one on one encounter.  

I think moreso infact because the likelyhood of encountering a poz person there is greater than 'filtered' dates or other types of hookups.

Add in alcohol and it's a pretty good mix for disaster.

Been there done that.... well, not with 20, but I can dream.

I am not going to take responsibility for others carelessness.

I would presume THEY were poz and act accordingly in that situation.  Which would mean lots of bareback fun for me.

« Last Edit: April 05, 2007, 10:44:07 PM by DingoBoi »

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2007, 10:42:23 PM »
two options, really.

No more backrooms

full disclosure.

HIV really does fuck with your life. It limits you and it narrows you. It erodes your self esteem and your ability to feel like a real, whole, viable person.

Anyone who says differently is talking out of his/her ass.

If you have a conscience, you will be haunted by the memories you described forever. Wondering if you gave your virus out like Halloween candy. Wondering if or when someone will want to reciprocate by pressing charges. Wondering if or when someone will respond with rage and violence.

Fair? Not hardly. When everyone around you is more than willing to take the chance because you look healthy.

But fair or not, it's where you are. It sucks. I know. But unless you want to spend your days looking over your shoulder, its really up to you to become someone you can live with, and live comfortably.

I wish I could offer more of a blanket pass. And you know I am all about shared personal responsibility. But sadly, us "pozzies" have burdens that approach the daunting.

And if you are a person with half a conscience, its going to haunt you. For what its worth, it's better to minimize that haunting with as much disclosure and honesty as possible. Otherwise those ghosts get awfully heavy, and you carry them for a long, long time.

Trust me on this.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,326
  • His name is Carl.
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2007, 10:43:50 PM »
Is this the type of thread that would go into a men's forum?  i can't help but wonder that.

see, this is one of those "gay men's world" type of scenarios, yet one of the first responses came from a woman.

and it wasn't a response on how to approach/deal with this type of situation, but was more of a judgment response.

it's a gay man sensitive topic that i would consider akin to a woman's "how to convince a man to put on a condom" type of issue.  

apologies if this might be thought a highjack, but i felt the need to highlight the point at the moment because i thought it was a relevent one.

to get back to the issue at hand:  how do we as gay men (if we visit that type of establishment) handle a situation like that?  it isn't a situation that lends itself easily to disclosure and the safest of behavior.  i think we need to address it and try to come up with some answers.   i honestly don't know a sure-fire answer that would encompass each and every encounter.
it's been a long time since i have gone to any place like that...pre-diagnosis.  

guys?
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline milker

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  • Protected phone sex
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #12 on: April 05, 2007, 10:44:03 PM »
Seriously how do you deal with this?

I mean you're in a sex club with horny dudes all over you. It's been some time since i've been in a sex club and you have 8 people wanting their dick sucked i'm on my knees what the fuck am I going to say, yell "i'm HIV POZ DUDES!" ?

This is VERY NEW to me. I need help from people that have been in this situation before.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline koi1

  • Member
  • Posts: 713
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #13 on: April 05, 2007, 10:45:59 PM »
Shaming yourself is not going to do any good. Reflect on what brought you to that place. No moralizing. You seem to be asking for help. How can we help if we are not in your situation. Do you just want to hear from the guys that are doing the same? You do need to learn to disclose though. Not judging, just being honest. You obviously don't feel good about it. Why not suck the twenty dicks but no bb anal without disclosure. That's a start.

Hugs,

rob
diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #14 on: April 05, 2007, 10:47:05 PM »
I noticed a few days ago you posted about on-line searching for pozzies in the San Diego area. Any connection between that thread and this thread?

Offline DingoBoi

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2007, 10:49:30 PM »
Quote
And if you are a person with half a conscience, its going to haunt you. For what its worth, it's better to minimize that haunting with as much disclosure and honesty as possible. Otherwise those ghosts get awfully heavy, and you carry them for a long, long time.

Trust me on this.

Jonathan, I must disagree with you.  That may have been your experience and your conscience, but it is not everyone's.  It's still your opinion with a no-win situation.

Either he has no conscience or he will regret it.   But Jonathan, one does not preclude the other.

I would put forward that one can both have a conscience and rather not be concerned about this scenario.

My personal values in this situation would dictate so.

I see nothing wrong with the actions of a consenting adult in a sex club when each individual fully knows the consequences.


Offline budndallastx

  • Member
  • Posts: 463
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2007, 10:52:29 PM »
Perhaps, he should have disclosed but it's a sex club and going into there, everyone has to take responsibility for their own actions since it's unrealistic to think there's no one in there that's positive.  Worse yet, there are guys who don't know they're postive and they're running around without any precautions.  

Alcohol was involved and people tend not to make the best decisions when that is the case.  Did the club have condoms available?  If so, perhaps he could have insisted on a condom.  It's hard to say when you're not in the situation.
Meds since: 11/20/2006
Sustiva / Truvada
12/08/2008 VL:<48 CD4 622 (38%)   
9/8/2008 VL:<48 CD4 573 (30%)
5/2008 VL:<48 CD4 464 (30%)
1/2008  VL: <50  CD4 425(28%)
9/2007   VL: <50  CD4 465 (27%)
6/2007   VL: <50   CD4 443 (26%)
3/2007  VL: <50   CD4 385 (25%)
12/2006 - VL: <50   CD4: 384 (25%)
11/2006 - VL:  22K  CD4: 208 (18%)

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #17 on: April 05, 2007, 10:54:55 PM »
But this is only one guy and there was this "silence" about hiv status.

My main question was "how the fuck do you disclose your status when you have 20 men around you with their dick poking your mouth" ?

I realize that this guy's silence about his status and my silence about my status were bad. I tried to ask. But I couldn't. It's difficult. I'm fucking honest here and I realize that people may hate me for this, so please respect that.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #18 on: April 05, 2007, 10:55:28 PM »
I noticed a few days ago you posted about on-line searching for pozzies in the San Diego area. Any connection between that thread and this thread?

Nope.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Strayboy74

  • Member
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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #19 on: April 05, 2007, 10:57:30 PM »
I see nothing wrong with the actions of a consenting adult in a sex club when each individual fully knows the consequences.

Ultimately, we are the ones held accountable to our own actions, regardless of the participation of others.  Unless you were raping someone, which isn't what happened.

Do something good for the world around you and let it be.

-joseph

Offline thunter34

  • Member
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  • His name is Carl.
Re: I've been bad
« Reply #20 on: April 05, 2007, 10:57:54 PM »
And I am kinda having to agree with Dingo some here.  Being in a darkened sex club free-for-all isn't on the exact track that a date or even an online hook up is.  From my past experience, there are usually condoms present that ALL participants have the option of picking up.  There are often safe sex posters tacked around.  And the reciprocation through charges or violence is not extremely likely in such a case- where participants are engaging in all manner of sex with multiple partners that they often can't even see clearly.  At a certain point, I think there are instances where the responsibility for sexual health has to be shared by all- not just squarely placed on the shoulders of the positive.  And I don't think it makes me without conscience to think so.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline DingoBoi

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #21 on: April 05, 2007, 10:59:00 PM »
my risk assesment lets me blow and be blown by others with full cumshot.

I have had unprotected sex with neggies who both knew and didn't know.

I have no moral qualms over it.... and no regrets.

And I certainly wouldn't think twice about it in a sex club... wouldn't even think once about it.

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #22 on: April 05, 2007, 11:00:35 PM »
If you have a conscience, you will be haunted by the memories you described forever. Wondering if you gave your virus out like Halloween candy. Wondering if or when someone will want to reciprocate by pressing charges. Wondering if or when someone will respond with rage and violence.

And if you are a person with half a conscience, its going to haunt you. For what its worth, it's better to minimize that haunting with as much disclosure and honesty as possible. Otherwise those ghosts get awfully heavy, and you carry them for a long, long time.

Trust me on this.

I have a conscience, half or a quarter or a millimeter. I'm posting this because I can't believe i'm the only one that lost control, and I need help on how to deal with this. I'm not haunted with anything, actually. If the guys that stick their raw dick in me while I was on my knees sucking dick then it's THEIR problem. My concern is how can I convey my status in those circumstances.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline anniebc

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #23 on: April 05, 2007, 11:02:14 PM »
Quote
I'm drunk I suck 20 or more dicks.

Hi Milker

While reading your post the quote above was the one that stood out for me..we have a saying here "it's not what you drink it's how you drink"..we all know that alcohol clouds our judgement.

I'm certainly no expert on this subject but I don't think it's so much the amount of sex you are having or had but the intake of alcohol you are taking on board while visiting the clubs.

I hope you get the answers you are looking for.

Hugs
Jan :-*

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #24 on: April 05, 2007, 11:04:56 PM »
Hmm.

I think that both you and the guy you fucked completely ignored your responsibilities in this case.

In a situation like that, you don't have to disclose... but a condom would be required, methinks.

And he should've given a rat's ass about his body, and taken steps to protect himself... but he didn't.

So, you both have to live with consequences.  He very well could have to live with HIV (if he doesn't have it already), and you get to live not knowing if you infected him or not.

Guilt is an undesirable emotion.

I would avoid it in the future by simply using a condom when you fuck someone in a sex club.

In a sex club, disclosure is understood, I think.  It goes with the territory.  But use a condom.  For various reasons.

You could end up with Big Bertha hangin' out of your cock.   
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #25 on: April 05, 2007, 11:05:57 PM »
Annie,

alcohol helped me getting in the club in the first place. Lost inhibitions, found this hot guy that was going there, and this is how it happened.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #26 on: April 05, 2007, 11:07:22 PM »
God my sex life is boring...

My feeling, though probably unpopular, is that gay men who are in a sex club having an orgy should assume that everyone is positive and act accordingly. If you want to come up for air to make a public service announcement to ease your conscience then that is your choice. No gay man going to a sex club is stupid enough to think that no one in there is carrying any number of diseases. If I were in your situation I wouldn't be so worried about who I infected but what I picked up.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #27 on: April 05, 2007, 11:09:46 PM »
I totally respect your opinion there Dingo. I don't share it, but I respect it. And I see your point. As you know, I am one of the guys who routinely puts his neck on the online block when it comes to shared responsibility (even personal responsibility) because, at the end of the day, someone chooses what and whom they put in their body. And accepts the ramifications thereof.

To the best of my knowledge, no one has successfully sued - and won - their HIv status back. That's a bell you can not unring, current state of the medical art considering.

I simply propose that the original poster seems to have a good deal of equivocation insofar as his continued participation in this stuff. Enough to be raw and honest online, in a forum that routinely rewards such things with vitriol and judgment. I do my damnedest not to pass that, since you should see the glass house I live in. Well, it's entertaining when the birds smack it.

Thing is, I can see both points of view here. Some people have the temperment to handle it. Some don't. To be fair, in with the intent of full disclosure, I have not been to a sex club or bathhouse. So I honestly don't have the background necessary to fully understand that arena.

I do know that cumulative ghosts can weigh heavily on a person. To suggest that we don't seriously care about the well being of others when making our sexual choices... well... that seems rather alien in the search for self worth and self repair. To me, anyhow.

I think Milker was really brave in venturing this thread. And I certainly hope it remains as non judgmental and as honest as it has been thus far.



"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #28 on: April 05, 2007, 11:10:39 PM »
Hmm.

I think that both you and the guy you fucked completely ignored your responsibilities in this case.

But he said he was a bb dude. I assumed he was hiv. I'm new to this shit. Should I assume that if someone is asking bb and not saying anything about hiv+ he's hiv+? I admit I didn't want to "risk the opportunity to not fuck him because he was neg". This is new to me, that's why i'm asking for help from people who have been there before.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2007, 11:10:54 PM »
Dingo, you can express your opinion and your thoughts but it does seem to me you can do it without gratuitously putting down other exchanges in this manner which all too easily can inspire flames:

     "More real than most of the bullshit conversations that go on here."


 
Andy Velez

Offline thunter34

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #30 on: April 05, 2007, 11:12:59 PM »
Hear, hear for GSO!

Agreed.  Nor would I ever think that any guy in this day in age with "...bb..." in his online screen name is having his first day at the rodeo.  Ditto for most (if not all) of the others slipping and sliding in the backrooms.


And kudos for milker for the honesty.

AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #31 on: April 05, 2007, 11:14:08 PM »
I have a conscience, half or a quarter or a millimeter. I'm posting this because I can't believe i'm the only one that lost control, and I need help on how to deal with this. I'm not haunted with anything, actually. If the guys that stick their raw dick in me while I was on my knees sucking dick then it's THEIR problem. My concern is how can I convey my status in those circumstances.

Milker.

If you're uncomfortable with someone about to stick something into you in a sex club, I think a simple, "no thank you" or "wrap it up, bro" would suffice.  It is your ass, after all. 

You don't have to scream, "I'M ONE OF THE INFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECTED OOOOOOOOOOOONES!"

Although I now have a brilliant idea for a performance art piece.  Thank you!
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #32 on: April 05, 2007, 11:14:15 PM »
Milker, I hear you.

I'm wondering if you have any ideas about what might be helpful to you in dealing with this situation.

I'd rather hear more from you rather than just jumping in with suggestions. If you're up for it.....

From the responses you've already gotten you've obviously struck a chord here.

I don't see anything to judge you about. You're trying to deal with something serious.

Andy Velez

Offline thunter34

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #33 on: April 05, 2007, 11:18:36 PM »
I suggest this:

Like the saying goes, "You can't know shadow without light"

Well, you don't arrive at "bb" without knowledge of wrapped sex and thus deciding on a preference to go without.

People don't arrive at choices like "bb" or "condoms/safe only" in the same way one determines a preference for ketchup or mustard.  If they've chosen "bb", they've heard about condoms and know what they are for.  And are opting to not use them with all that may entail.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #34 on: April 05, 2007, 11:20:05 PM »
But he said he was a bb dude. I assumed he was hiv. I'm new to this shit. Should I assume that if someone is asking bb and not saying anything about hiv+ he's hiv+? I admit I didn't want to "risk the opportunity to not fuck him because he was neg". This is new to me, that's why i'm asking for help from people who have been there before.

Milker.

I do understand what you're saying, and he probably is poz.

But... what happens when you assume?

I'm not trying to make you feel bad... but one of the things I've learned with this damn virus is never to assume anyone's serostatus (most of us are here for making that mistake).  The other thing I've learned is that it's always important to cover yer ass.  Always always always cover your fuckin' ass, dude. 

Don't assume anyone's poz.  It could have consequences.  Legal ones.

"Your Honor, he was a dirty, barebacking slut, and I figured he was HIV+, so I fucked him without a condom" would never hold up in court. 
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline budndallastx

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #35 on: April 05, 2007, 11:24:19 PM »

But I don't think telling the judge you had sex in a club with 25-50 guys you didn't know adds any credibility in court. 

As has been repeatedly said, the best action is to insist on a condom period.  Cuts down on infecting others or you catching something from them.

Of course, crabs would be a risk you can't protect yourself from.
Meds since: 11/20/2006
Sustiva / Truvada
12/08/2008 VL:<48 CD4 622 (38%)   
9/8/2008 VL:<48 CD4 573 (30%)
5/2008 VL:<48 CD4 464 (30%)
1/2008  VL: <50  CD4 425(28%)
9/2007   VL: <50  CD4 465 (27%)
6/2007   VL: <50   CD4 443 (26%)
3/2007  VL: <50   CD4 385 (25%)
12/2006 - VL: <50   CD4: 384 (25%)
11/2006 - VL:  22K  CD4: 208 (18%)

Offline HIVworker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #36 on: April 05, 2007, 11:25:27 PM »
This is an interesting topic, but I am wondering what Miker wants here.

Miker you say, "How do I deal with this"

Do you mean how do you deal with this now you have done it or how do you deal with that situation if it occurs again. The two are different questions and it seems that people are answering either.

Rich.....who has the sex life of a nun compared to all that...
NB. Any advice about HIV is given in addition to your own medical advice and not intended to replace it. You should never make clinical decisions based on what anyone says on the internet but rather check with your ID doctor first. Discussions from the internet are just that - Discussions. They may give you food for thought, but they should not direct you to do anything but fuel discussion.

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #37 on: April 05, 2007, 11:31:11 PM »
to err is human
boys will be boys
let it go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #38 on: April 05, 2007, 11:33:36 PM »
People don't arrive at choices like "bb" or "condoms/safe only" in the same way one determines a preference for ketchup or mustard.  If they've chosen "bb", they've heard about condoms and know what they are for.  And are opting to not use them with all that may entail.

I daresay that the HIV sold on the media outlets, by pharma companies and governments, and the HIV with which many of us live are two drastically different creatures. If there were an accurate and honest depiction of HIV in current medical media (including POZ) then I strongly suspect that one would notice a dearth of BB sex amongst the neggies.

Serosorting really only works with other poz people, as our status is unlikely to change.

But I think that the trend to BB sex amongst anyone is based largely on a fallacious idea of what it means to seroconvert. And no, I am not going to go all gloom and doom. But even under the best circumstances, HIV fucks up your life. And people are NOT getting that message.

Do you die from it? Maybe not. But even assuming you can coast for five years before meds, and even assuming that Atripla works for ya, you still have a world of hurt in store. From financial woes to employment issues to social bullshit. It's not a fate I would wish on anyone. Not even for one hot-ass fuck.

Geez, am I officially an old coot for thinking like this? Holy God when did that happen.

I still think sex can be hot, dirty, rough, and totally objectified. And at the end of the day, or night, both parties can emerge without one carrying a new virus, and the other carrying guilt.





"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #39 on: April 05, 2007, 11:34:12 PM »
Dingo, you can express your opinion and your thoughts but it does seem to me you can do it without gratuitously putting down other exchanges in this manner which all too easily can inspire flames:

     "More real than most of the bullshit conversations that go on here."


 

Andy, I think Dingo's answers were appropriate. He just threw ideas and comments in the post.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline koi1

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #40 on: April 05, 2007, 11:35:16 PM »
I just don't see how in one moment everyone is saying how deadly this disease is and in the next saying it is okay to give it to someone because they probably want it if they are not protecting themselves. I know people are going to do what they are going to do. But when the funds dry out to keep this disease treatable, then what? And it seems that we should care not to pass this on. Not everyone in that sex club has it, and it can't be assumed they want it, nor know the reality of it. It does nothing to better our cause by possibly knowingly continuing to pass on the gift.

rob
diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline Buckmark

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #41 on: April 05, 2007, 11:37:34 PM »
Milker,

I appreciate your honesty here -- it must have been difficult to decide to post this.  I'm not
sure my response will be as relevant for you, as I've never been to a sex club / backroom or
similar situation (y'all can revoke my "gay card" if necessary).

However, if I interpret your post correctly, it does seem to me that you have some qualms
about not disclosing your status.  I think you need to use this situation to help decide what
approach to disclosure works for you.  Can you live with not disclosing?  There's no one right
answer to that question. 

I agree with what Tim says below:  responsibility for sexual health has to be shared by all, not
just those who are HIV+.   That said, in an environment like you described, where there are many
men engaging in relatively anonymous sex with multiple partners, everyone's health is first and
foremost their own responsibility, not someone else's.  Guys aren't there to talk -- about disclosure
or otherwise -- they are there to have sex.  So I do think disclosure is not as essential in this
type of situation.

Some like Dingo are clearly OK with not disclosing in such an situation.  I can see that point of view.
But just because he or anyone else is OK with it, does not necessarily mean that you are. 
You still need to be able to live with your conscience when it comes to disclosing or not. Disclosing in an environment like you were in would probably clear the room (maybe not, but I think so).   So I'd guess that
you need to find a way to be comfortable with not disclosing in that environment -- or stop going to such places. 

Unfortunately, I can't really advise you how to make peace with your conscience, as I have a hard
time doing that even though I disclose all the time (my issue).  All I know is that you have to make
a decision that is right for you -- not for anyone else.

This strikes me as a discussion that is rather uniquely applicable to gay men, as Tim points out.

Regards,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #42 on: April 05, 2007, 11:38:22 PM »
I once told a guy into bb that I was poz and he did not care.  Now that is scary.  I think bb is not saying he's Hiv.  I am so use to condoms that it makes me scare not to use it; afterall, I could catch another virus including another strain of Hiv.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #43 on: April 05, 2007, 11:40:42 PM »
Maybe you could get that biohazard tattoo and when you go to a sex club just stay in the sections with adequate light so the tattoo is visible. Avoid the fully dark sections. I know it's not the same as direct vocal disclosure  :-\

And avoid backrooms completely. Because they're fully dark

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #44 on: April 05, 2007, 11:41:21 PM »
Milker, I hear you.

I'm wondering if you have any ideas about what might be helpful to you in dealing with this situation.

I'd rather hear more from you rather than just jumping in with suggestions. If you're up for it.....

From the responses you've already gotten you've obviously struck a chord here.

I don't see anything to judge you about. You're trying to deal with something serious.



Andy, the question is. I've been in this situation meeting a dude who is attracted to me and says he's a bb dude. He's hot, I like him, we never talk about HIV. I assume he's poz. We go to this club. Last time I was in a sex club was more than 3 years ago. I totally lose it. I'm in this place with hard dicks all around me, it hasn't happened to me for years. I had 3 gin&tonics before that. I'm in heaven, basically. There have been few moments when I remember about my status.

I can't believe i'm the first one to be int his situation. Yes i'm honest, I did it, I had unprotected anal sex with an unknown status bb dude, and I got unprotected sex from unknown dicks up my ass that night.

What I'm asking is how the fuck would I've been disclosing my status in this situation, and how people that have been there before dealt with it.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline thunter34

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #45 on: April 05, 2007, 11:43:04 PM »
I just don't see how in one moment everyone is saying how deadly this disease is and in the next saying it is okay to give it to someone because they probably want it if they are not protecting themselves. I know people are going to do what they are going to do. But when the funds dry out to keep this disease treatable, then what? And it seems that we should care not to pass this on. Not everyone in that sex club has it, and it can't be assumed they want it, nor know the reality of it. It does nothing to better our cause by possibly knowingly continuing to pass on the gift.

rob

I didn't see anywhere above that anyone said it was okay to give it to someone else or that other people probably want it if they are not protecting themselves.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #46 on: April 05, 2007, 11:44:21 PM »
all you have to say is "I am HIV positive." 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline koi1

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #47 on: April 05, 2007, 11:45:30 PM »
Gee as predictable as the sunrise...

diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline koi1

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #48 on: April 05, 2007, 11:47:42 PM »
all you have to say is "I am HIV positive." 

Exactly,

That way there are no assumptions, secondguessing, guilt.....
diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline milker

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Re: I've been bad
« Reply #49 on: April 05, 2007, 11:49:08 PM »
This is an interesting topic, but I am wondering what Miker wants here.

Miker you say, "How do I deal with this"

Do you mean how do you deal with this now you have done it or how do you deal with that situation if it occurs again. The two are different questions and it seems that people are answering either.

Rich.....who has the sex life of a nun compared to all that...
I mean how do I disclose my status in those situations? It's been a "silenced" encounter with this guy, then there are the other dudes in the backroom. I'm kinda lost here.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

 


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