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Author Topic: Going berserk  (Read 2017 times)

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Offline zeb

  • Member
  • Posts: 172
Going berserk
« on: April 05, 2007, 07:31:53 AM »
Physically I'm okay, but I notice that really waves of depressed feelings come and go.
Like when the weather is beautiful I see the shadows and when it comes to financial stuff HIV status plays a role and so on.

This morning I really was in a berserk mood: i thought 'Damn you bitch who knowingly gave me this, i'm gonna destroy you'.
Dammit, this anger and this coping is a real tough deal.

Zeb

Offline koi1

  • Member
  • Posts: 713
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2007, 08:05:42 AM »
Zeb the feelings of Anger towards the person though natural, are not a help. Do you have someone to talk to where you are, like a threrapist or a good friend? Sometimes anti depressants or some meds make the moods fluctuate. I hope you are feeling better and I am glad you are venting here. I hope you can get over the feelings of anger in time. I don't even try to think of who gave this to me anymore. Even if I knew for sure, I would still try to puti it out of my mind. Easier said than done though. I think that those that are knowingly transmitting the virus are rare, and that makes me feel a little better, so does acknowledging my part in it. Anyway, I am sure you have heard all of this before.

Take Care,

Hugs,

rob
diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2007, 08:21:43 AM »
Zeb, when I let go of my anger it involved tears. Stinging hot tears and crying like a child would cry. Afterwards, the burden felt easier. True story.
xxx,
Mike

Offline Central79

  • Member
  • Posts: 527
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2007, 08:33:03 AM »
Hey Zeb

First up, I'm glad you're doing okay physically - I means that you can concentrate on your mental health w/o anything distracting you.

I get incredibly angry too. Since being diagnosed I feel like I've been walking around in a rage a lot of the time - being very aggressive in the natural rough and tumble of living life in a busy, jostling city. It gets directed at my bf, and the guy who infected me, at my therapist, at myself. It's incredibly debilitating and needs to come out.

I guess the best I feel is after I've had a good cry. Tears can be down to many emotions - I had read about "tears of rage" before getting HIV, but only experienced it myself afterwards. The speed at which the urge to punch somebody pushing me on the underground can change to feeling very tearful is amazing. I do my best to let it out when I can.

I think you've done a lot by acknowledging you have these feelings. That's an important step, and it took me a while to get there. Because I didn't feel entitled to be angry, or sad, because physically I'm okay too. Now you've just got to work out how to deal with them.

I think letting it out in a supportive environment is probably the best. This can be a support group or talking therapy. Anti-depressants are a useful add-on to talking therapy, or they can be used alone if you're having problems eating, sleeping, etc.

All the best in dealing with this. Know that other people are there too, and it's probably the most important first step to make in order to live with this disease long-term.

Keeping you in mind,

Matt.
Diagnosed January 2006
26/1/06 - 860 (22%), VL > 500,000
24/4/06 - 820 (24.6%), VL 158,000
13/7/06 - 840 (22%), VL 268,000
1/11/06 - 680 (21%), VL 93,100
29/1/07 - 1,020 (27.5%), VL 46,500
15/5/07 - 1,140 (22.8%), VL not done.
13/10/07 - 759 (23.2%), VL 170,000
6/11/07 - 630 (25%), VL 19,324
14/1/08 - 650 (21%), VL 16,192
15/4/08 - 590 (21%), VL 40, 832

Offline sweetasmeli

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,052
  • Love what you are...
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2007, 08:50:06 AM »
Zeb, are you just venting or actually asking for advice here?
Either or both is fine. Just wondering that's all...

Melia :)
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline zeb

  • Member
  • Posts: 172
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2007, 09:38:38 AM »
Melia,

I'm venting. But advice is allways welcome.

Zeb

(dammit, still angry!)

Offline Ihavehope

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,366
  • Yes, I'm a cry baby, AND WHAT?
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2007, 11:08:32 AM »
Zeb

It's natural to be angry. It's part of the "living with HIV" package. Let go of the past, there is nothing you can do about it. If he knew he was positive and did not care enough to use protection he is EVIL and HEARTLESS but you are not. You seem to be a very genuine guy who will NEVER do what he did and infect someone. Keep that in mind. I know it won't help much at all, but at least you can live with yourself and know that you did not pass on this disease to another soul.

Al
Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Offline zeb

  • Member
  • Posts: 172
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2007, 11:44:36 AM »
Al,

Thanks for your post. Actually HE was, and still is, a SHE (I'm belonging to a minority: heterosexuals) ;D
So I'm talking about a real bitch!

Zeb

Offline Ihavehope

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,366
  • Yes, I'm a cry baby, AND WHAT?
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2007, 11:48:37 AM »


Sorry girl.
Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Offline sweetasmeli

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,052
  • Love what you are...
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2007, 01:56:13 PM »
Zeb
One of the reasons I asked whether you were just venting or actually asking for advice is because since joining the forums you have started several threads focusing on your sadness/depression and now your anger. And I now see you have just started another on how gloomy you feel.

As I mentioned to you before in one of those earlier threads, such reactions/feelings are all perfectly natural in the whole dealing with and living with hiv saga that we all share here.

BUT, for the sake of not wearing out the letters on my keyboard by retyping and repeating myself, I refer you back to my words in your thread asking "What the # is so positive about being positive?" because my advice there can be applied to most, if not all, situations:

Sometimes, admittedly, we all just have to look really really really carefully to find that silver lining!

I suspect not even one person here will deny that being diagnosed hiv+ wasn't a shit hand to be dealt.
I'm quite sure each and every one of us stands united on that particular matter.

However, how we play the hand we are dealt will vary from person to person.

Because you are having a perfectly natural reaction to something adverse that has happened to you.

But the question now is: Where do you go from here?

I look at your choices like this:

A) You can either allow your worry and fear and sadness to all-consume you, over the coming weeks, months, years…in which case, it is highly possible that, in time, you will eventually spiral down into a stress-induced pit of depression that will be even harder to climb out of. (Been there; don’t recommend it!) Not to mention, the negative impact the stress/depression will have on your overall health.

Or

B) You can do everything possible in your power as a human being to prevent (A) from happening.

I can share with you the stuff I’ve done/I do to help myself and I’m sure many others here would be willing to share their experiences too. Just say the word…but we can't actually do the work for you. That's all down to you.

Zeb, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. But you do have a choice. You may not have had much choice in what happened to you but, as human beings, we all have a choice about how we respond to the things that happen to us.

Like both Benj and David (and now others, cos I'm such a slow typer!) have pointed out: although there may be very little or actually nothing ‘poz’ about being ‘poz’, good things/positive things can be found even from the shittiest of situations, if we choose to look for them.

I personally hate being hiv+; I truly truly despise it. But I don’t dwell on that feeling. Instead I focus on all the good that has come out of my diagnosis; I focus on the positives, the silver linings. I have to; it’s one of my blueprints for a happy fulfilling life. It's not easy; it takes constant daily practice. Just like getting into a healthy eating regime or a healthy exercise program, it's about changing your habits and constantly practising new ways of thinking and behaving. And some days are harder than others. But I revel in the fact that, as long as I have all (or most!) of my faculties, freedom of choice in my reaction to every given situation is the one luxury that nobody or nothing can take away from me.

The way I look at life is this: if we can choose to be miserable, we can just as easily choose to be happy.
Everyone’s silver linings are different. You have to find what yours are.

Like others have suggested, seeking some help you deal with your fears and anxieties could be a good place to start.

Dare I ask, have you started doing something proactive to address your fears/sadness/depression?

Because if you haven't, I'm hazarding a guess that throwing anger into the mix aint gonna do anything to help improve your tcells count. 

Just saying.

Melia
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline puertorico2006

  • Member
  • Posts: 957
Re: Going berserk
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2007, 02:07:54 PM »
i know the feeling because i go through bouts of this myself when i start having multiple problems in my life, but it obviously doesnt do any good for you or the people around you....

Ive been trying therapy which helped me (on top of antidepressants and the occasional benzo) ...its working for me it may be worth a try (dont know if your in therapy)....

The thing about anger is you have to let it out, its one of the "steps" you go through in order to feeling better.....but you need to find a way to channel it, forgive yourself and the "bitch" or at least let it go....

If that doesnt help i will say that lifting weights, running, kickboxing helps me a lot also....its a way to channel my energy and then the endorphins you get from doing those activities calm you down (on top of making you look better and good for your health)


again just what helped me ...hope you get over your anger issues soon
Infected Probably: may 2005
Diagnosed: 11/2006

11/28/2006 CD4:309 / VL: 1907 No meds yet
12/27/2006 CD4:339/  VL:1649 No meds yet
  4/28/2007 CD4:550/  VL:1800 No meds :-)

 


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