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Author Topic: What's Your Best Joke?  (Read 2665 times)

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Offline Central79

  • Member
  • Posts: 527
What's Your Best Joke?
« on: April 02, 2007, 01:41:24 PM »
I'm quite interested in the gradual increase in medical literature linking how we think to how well our bodies function: psychoneuroimmunology. I've read a couple of papers recently that have shown the role of humour in boosting the immune system and thought it'd be cool to have a thread containing some good jokes (although Germans are still allowed to contribute  :D)... Here's mine...

Three male friends are killed in a car crash. At the Gates of St Peter, the Saint lines them up and says to the first man:

"You have been judged worthy to enter heaven. But tell me, have you ever cheated on your wife/boyfriend/husband/lesbian life partner?*".

"Oh never," says the first man, "I loved my wife and was faithful my whole life".

"Jolly good" says St. Peter. "Because of this I will give you a Rolls Royce in which to travel around heaven (which is surprisingly hilly)."

"Thanks!" says the first man, gets into the Rolls and drives away.

So it's the second man's turn and the Saint asks him the same question. Turns out this man hasn't been so good - "well, to be honest, there was that trip to Reno and that other time in Amsterdam..." So St. Peter only gives him a Mini to get around heaven in.

The third man can't even meet St. Peter's eye. The Saint asks him the same question as the other two and the man goes red before finally blurting out "well, to be honest Pete my wife was just one of many, many women. I mean I really got around - I'm surprised I'm here at all". St Peter shakes his head sadly and hands the guy a bicycle.

So the three men are in heaven, doing their thing. One day the third man comes across the first man, who's at the top of a big hill, sitting next to his Rolls and crying his heart out. The third man says to him (when he's gotten his breath back from getting his bicycle up the hill), "why are you crying? You have been blessed by St. Peter with a Rolls Royce to travel around heaven in...".

And the first man says: "I've just seen my wife on a skateboard".

*delete as appropriate.

Lame or game? Hope it made you laugh....

Matt.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2007, 08:55:03 AM by Matt Mee »
Diagnosed January 2006
26/1/06 - 860 (22%), VL > 500,000
24/4/06 - 820 (24.6%), VL 158,000
13/7/06 - 840 (22%), VL 268,000
1/11/06 - 680 (21%), VL 93,100
29/1/07 - 1,020 (27.5%), VL 46,500
15/5/07 - 1,140 (22.8%), VL not done.
13/10/07 - 759 (23.2%), VL 170,000
6/11/07 - 630 (25%), VL 19,324
14/1/08 - 650 (21%), VL 16,192
15/4/08 - 590 (21%), VL 40, 832

Offline ACinKC

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,994
  • Bring it VIRUS! #2 Ranked In-crowd Member!
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2007, 02:14:46 PM »
Not my BEST joke... but one of my favorites.....

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched
the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied:
"I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline Strayboy74

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,054
  • tastes like chicken
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2007, 02:48:45 PM »
What do you call the foreskin on a gay man's penis?

MUDFLAPS!

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?

Duh!  There are twenty of them!


-joseph

Offline Ihavehope

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,366
  • Yes, I'm a cry baby, AND WHAT?
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2007, 04:25:43 PM »
I am terrible at telling jokes.

But I found this picture pretty funny. Hope u guys find it funny too.

Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Offline FunkyMonkey

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2007, 09:55:29 AM »
Maybe because spring is here, I'm pulling out my kilts for spring and warming up my caber throwing muscles--but here's one:

A Scotsman in a kilt stumbles out of a bar late one night and proceeds to pass out right there on the side walk.  Along come two young women, and being curious about the "what's-under-the-kilt myth" decide to take a peek.  After checking and with the Scotsman still out like a light, they decide to let him know he had been 'visited'.

In the morning the Scotsman wakes up, notices something strange about his John-Thomas and lifts his kilt to find a blue ribbon tied around it.

At seeing the, the Scotsman pronounces, "Well, I have NO idea where you've been or what you were up to, but at least I'm glad you won first prize" ;-) 

Offline Dragonette

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,190
  • Spring symptoms
    • NotPerfectAtAll
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2007, 11:00:47 AM »
Some of my favorites:


 A depressed-looking guy walks into a bar and asks for a double whiskey. "You look down, buddy", the bartender says, "what's up?".
"I just have the worst luck with women", the guy replies. "I never manage to come up with successful pickup lines, and that just ruins everything".
"You know what?", says the barman, "see that girl coming out of the john? Go tell her that her eyes are blue like the sea, and her teeth are white as pearls".
The guy goes to the girl and repeats this line.
The girl blushes with pleasure. "wow! thanks!", she says, smiling hugely.
"Quick, what should I say now?", the guy asks the barman.
"Just improvise something", the barman answers.
"So", the guy says to the girl, "you just took a shit, huh?"

*****

A guy comes to the doctor and says: "I have a problem, my penis is 50 centimeters long, I just can't live like that anymore".
The doctor takes a look and says: "I have no medical solution, but if you believe in witches, I can refer you to someone who might be able to help".
The guy goes to the witch and tells her about his problem. She takes a look and says: "Go to the woods, and in the middle you will find a swamp. In the middle of this swamp, on a large waterlily, you will see a frog. Ask it to marry you, and when it refuses your penis will be shortened by 10 centimeters".
The guy goes to the forest and find the frog. He takes pulls down his pants and the frog blinks in disbelief. Then he says: "oh Frog, will you marry me?".
"No", says the frog.
He looks at his dick and to his surprise it is now 10 centimeters shorter.
It's still too long though, so he asks again: "Will you be my bride?".
"No", replies the frog.
The guy looks at his dick again and sees that it's 30 centimeters long.
'one more time', he thinks, 'and I will reach the ideal size'.
He turns to the frog and again asks: "will you be my lawful wedded wife?".
"You idiot, are you deaf?!", the frog shouts, "How many times do I need to say this?! no! no!! no!!!"

******

A Texan, Frenchman, and Israeli fly above the ocean when suddenly all engines fail and their plane crashes on an island. The three passengers are immediately siezed by a cannibals. They are brought in front of the chief, who explains that as a courtesy, they are all granted a wish before they will be cooked and eaten.
The Texan asks for a huge steak, a pile of fries and a crate of beer. The chief summons one of his men who runs to fetch the meal. The Texan finishes gorging himself and is thrown in the boiling pot.
The Frenchman asks for a plate of escargot and a crate of champagne. After finishing to eat them delicately , he also gets thrown in the pot.

The chief asks the Israeli what his last wish is. The guy says: "a hard swift kick in the butt!".
The chief shrugs, tells him to turn around, and gives him a massive kick in the ass.
Immediatly the Israeli swerves around, pulls out a machine gun, and sprays the chief and his entire tribe with bullets.
The stunned Texan and Frenchman emerge shaken from the pot and ask the Israeli: "if you had a weapon on you the whole time, why didn't you do anything before?!"
"Oh really?", says the Israeli, "and risk being denounced by the UN, the EU and the US for over-reacting to a minor provocation?"

*****

An old doctor in a small village is woken by urgent, repeated knocking. Sighing, he drags himself out of bed to open the door. "Doctor, please take a look at this!", pleads an inebriated man on his door step. The doctor opens the examination room and switches on the lights. The man pulls down his pants and sets an erect penis on the table. The doctor inspects it for a few minutes. "Mmm", he says thoughtfully, "there doesn't seem to be anything visibly wrong". "That's right", says the guy, beaming. "But it's quite big, isn't it?". 
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline ACinKC

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,994
  • Bring it VIRUS! #2 Ranked In-crowd Member!
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2007, 11:26:52 AM »
One of my personal favs... has to be told with the right level of emphasis at the end....

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails/escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"



LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline bt1313

  • Member
  • Posts: 32
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2007, 11:59:29 AM »
Hope this is not too offensive...more a play on words.

There is a hill.
On that hill there is a whorehouse.
There are three men on the hill.
One at the bottom.
One in the middle heading up.
And one on top of the hill.
What are their nationalities?
Bottom, he is Finnish.
Middle, he is Russian.
On top, Himalayan.

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2007, 02:13:25 PM »
Oh, Dragonette, you rock !

Offline antibody

  • Member
  • Posts: 525
  • "every man thinks his burden is the heaviest"
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2007, 07:02:34 PM »
RECTUM!

Damn near killed em!
Timbuk      <50/ 794  CD4 10/06 
                 <50/ 1096 CD4 3/07
                 <40/ 1854 CD4 4/09

Started Atripla  7/14/06
Switched to boosted Reyataz Truvada 3/28/07

*Ask me about Medical Marijuana and how it can help you!*

Offline gaysaywhat

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2007, 12:11:37 AM »
How do you know you're at a gay barbaque?

















All the weiners taste like shit! ;)

Offline aupointillimite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,229
  • FUS DO RAH!
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2007, 12:17:50 AM »
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's not funny.

Benj
(Who is is the king of the misogynists on this women-hating forum.)
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline SASA39

  • Member
  • Posts: 690
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2007, 03:43:29 AM »
Myself
Oct.     `06.  CD4=58  ?    %       VL not perform. ?!?
25.Dec.`06.         203       14        VL= 0
29.May.`07.    broken device        VL=1363
20.June`07     broken device        VL=0
25.Dec `07  CD4=582                  VL=70
14.May `08  CD4=448
29.July `08                                  VL=0
26.Nov `08  CD4=674                    VL=179
16.Mar `09  CD4=554                    VL=0
19.Jan`10 CD4=715               
03.Mar`10                                    VL=0
24.Aug`10 CD4=524                     VL=0
04.Dec`10 CD4=626                     VL=0
15.Sep`11                                   VL=93
17.Nov`11                                   VL=0
05/26 .Jul`12 CD4=713                 VL=0
28.Nov`12 CD4=916                     VL=0
09.May`13                                 VL=0

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,277
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2007, 08:17:49 AM »

Certainly not one of my best ones.... But... ( an oldy)  :)


A man was driving down the road, when he noticed a police car rapidly coming up behind him. Lights flashing and siren sounding.

The man pulls over . The officer walks  over to the drivers side and says " Mister, do you know your wife fell out of the car a mile back down the road ?"


The man replies " Thanks be to God, I thought I was going deaf "   :P



Ray


Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 8/25/14,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 63 years young.

Offline SASA39

  • Member
  • Posts: 690
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2007, 08:44:18 AM »
A cowboy is coming into town , but see that everybody is in a hurry.......
"What`s going on ? " he asked one of the street bystanders...........
" The Black Bart is coming , hurry hide yourself ! "
Then he walks into a saloon because he was thirsty , but no one there.
He just poured some whiskey ,  when.................
a salon door opened and a really big guy all in black with long black coat , black hat and a rifle comes in.................
Our "hero " is shaking and a guy is speaking :
"Down on your knees , and.................."
Our  "hero " shakily get down but a little too slow...........
"Hurry up , hurry up , the Black Bart is coming .............."
                                                                    Al
Oct.     `06.  CD4=58  ?    %       VL not perform. ?!?
25.Dec.`06.         203       14        VL= 0
29.May.`07.    broken device        VL=1363
20.June`07     broken device        VL=0
25.Dec `07  CD4=582                  VL=70
14.May `08  CD4=448
29.July `08                                  VL=0
26.Nov `08  CD4=674                    VL=179
16.Mar `09  CD4=554                    VL=0
19.Jan`10 CD4=715               
03.Mar`10                                    VL=0
24.Aug`10 CD4=524                     VL=0
04.Dec`10 CD4=626                     VL=0
15.Sep`11                                   VL=93
17.Nov`11                                   VL=0
05/26 .Jul`12 CD4=713                 VL=0
28.Nov`12 CD4=916                     VL=0
09.May`13                                 VL=0

Offline SASA39

  • Member
  • Posts: 690
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2007, 06:46:21 AM »
A grandmother is celebrating her 90 birthday with whole her family , sons , grandsons , grand-grandsons ,etc. She is blowwing a candle and making a wish : " For 91 birthday I would like to get HIV....."
..........( silence in family )................... "...........HIV......? ! ? !? "
"Yes ......." replies grandma , "....i have heard that with HIV you could live a 20 years MORE................................."
 
 
 Report to moderator   
 
Oct.     `06.  CD4=58  ?    %       VL not perform. ?!?
25.Dec.`06.         203       14        VL= 0
29.May.`07.    broken device        VL=1363
20.June`07     broken device        VL=0
25.Dec `07  CD4=582                  VL=70
14.May `08  CD4=448
29.July `08                                  VL=0
26.Nov `08  CD4=674                    VL=179
16.Mar `09  CD4=554                    VL=0
19.Jan`10 CD4=715               
03.Mar`10                                    VL=0
24.Aug`10 CD4=524                     VL=0
04.Dec`10 CD4=626                     VL=0
15.Sep`11                                   VL=93
17.Nov`11                                   VL=0
05/26 .Jul`12 CD4=713                 VL=0
28.Nov`12 CD4=916                     VL=0
09.May`13                                 VL=0

Offline Maestro

  • Member
  • Posts: 225
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2007, 08:13:17 AM »
A man goes in to his local bar and orders his usual beer.  Never orders anything different.  One day he goes in to the bar and the bartender convinces him to try some whiskey.  He loves it.  Drinks whiskey all night long and declares he is never going back to beer.  The next weekend he goes in to the bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says, "Hey, I thought you were never ordering beer again."  The man replies, "Well, I went home that night and blew chunks."  The bartender then says, "That's OK.  A lot of people get sick from drinking too much."  "No, you don't understand.", replies the man, "Chunks is my dog!"

********************************
2 sandwiches walk in to a bar...the bartender yells, "HEY, get out of here, we don't serve food here!"


Offline Central79

  • Member
  • Posts: 527
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #17 on: April 05, 2007, 09:19:16 AM »
Horse walks into a bar. The barman says: "why the long face?"
Diagnosed January 2006
26/1/06 - 860 (22%), VL > 500,000
24/4/06 - 820 (24.6%), VL 158,000
13/7/06 - 840 (22%), VL 268,000
1/11/06 - 680 (21%), VL 93,100
29/1/07 - 1,020 (27.5%), VL 46,500
15/5/07 - 1,140 (22.8%), VL not done.
13/10/07 - 759 (23.2%), VL 170,000
6/11/07 - 630 (25%), VL 19,324
14/1/08 - 650 (21%), VL 16,192
15/4/08 - 590 (21%), VL 40, 832

Offline FunkyMonkey

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: What's Your Best Joke?
« Reply #18 on: April 05, 2007, 10:52:11 AM »
Teenage boy is about to have his first 'real' date.  His overenthused father is VERY excited for him.  Gives him a wad of cash, condoms and lets him take the family car.  Before the son leaves, the father tells him, "son, when you get home, I want to hear all about it--I think tonight's the night you become a man".

Father waits anxiously until 3 am.  Son finally comes home, looking VERY mussed and tussled.  Dad greets him with a huge grin and say "ok boy--let's hear it!"

Son say, "Well Dad...it was amazing....my first blowjob!"

Dad is joyous and shouts out "THAT's my Boy!"  "Let's drink a beer together and celebrate!"

Son says...

"Dad could we drink something stronger--I STILL have the taste of his cum in my mouth"

;-)

 


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