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whose mistake is this?

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Tashana:
Hi,
I'm here for the very first time. My husband is also tested HIV poz, six month ago. I'm negative, tested twice, and looking up for another test, in few weeks. We have two kids, ten and five years old. He was infected about six years ago. He is desperate. Talking about suicide. Crying a lot, almost every day. Quitted with job. Today he went out for the first time without me and the kids, but only because we had marriage-conversation problems this morning. He is on the forum for few weeks, and feels better, thanks to the great people here. Thank you, all of you.

We had a lot of problems before October (when we got the test results); I was thinking to separate from him. The problem was not that we don't love each other. We were acting like two kids. Making lot of mistakes, both of us. When He's got ill, he went to the test on HIV, and few days later when he went home, he was all white in his face. Than he told me what's going on. I was in the shock state for the few days, went to test myself next morning and waiting for the results. I've told him that if I'm poz, I'm not going to live with him any more. But, I am negative, so can take care of the kids and him, also, without worrying about my health. He went to the hospital with TC4 58, and in December they were 203. Getting better. He's on meds. Honestly, we have better life time together than before. He has found that I do love him, and he feel the same for me (except when he did not, like today! He's still out, doesn't want to talk to me and answer the phone. He just send me a message that I`m the biggist mistake in his life. Am I?). He is not as he used to be before; He's much easier to live with. We didn't tell anybody about what is going on, we are afraid of the reactions. Thanks for your time,
Tashana

Central79:
Hey Tashana

First up - congrats on testing negative.

It's a massive thing to deal with, being positive, especially if you're diagnosed when you're ill. I'm glad your husband is starting to feel a bit better, and his immune system is picking up too. If he takes his medication, he will most likely live a long life. He needs to look after himself in other ways - staying fit, avoiding all the usual crap (smoking, drugs, drinking too much) and also his mental health. If he isn't coping, then he might need professional support - either medication or therapy. Both have helped me.

I think there's a lot of emotion going on with him. There is in my relationship (with a negative guy) and its can be very hard. Blame, shame, depression and self-destructive behaviours are something I have experienced a lot of since I was diagnosed. I can't speak for your husband, but I certainly have pushed people who love me away when I've been in pain because of this virus.

If you love him, consistently send him that message. You don't say what you said to each other this morning, but even an argument can be a good thing - if it releases anger or fears, and ends with "I love you". As he gets better with dealing with his HIV, realising he's going to be around for a long time, and that you've been there for him things will improve. At least that's my experience.

Hang in there,

Matt.

Tashana:
Hi Mat,
I did not tell him I love him, but that I want to leave him.... Mistake, I know, especially because he doesn`t have anybody else but me & the kids. I do love him, that's for sure, and I would NEVER leave him, even in this situation. But it is a bit hard time for me because before he got ill last year I have spend a lot of time with kids and my friends (another mothers with kids) while he was doing his whatever alone. Now, he doesn`t feel like being alone in the flat, so I`m staying here with him much, much more than before. Also, he doesn`t like me talking to my friends by telephone, doesn`t like them, finding all stupid (and maybe truly) reasons... He is jealous, with everybody, and anything, and feel good only when I cook, make cakes and talk to him. And yesterday, we had our older dother birthday party, and I wanted to stay a little bit longer talking to my girlfriend who is in (new) love, and it was in about time when he is supposed to take meds.... Can you imagine how angry hi was, telling me (this morning) that EVERYTHING is much important to me then him, etc, etc... I told him that I don't want to be a slave of his illness, I want to live a normal life, seeing people, and that he has to take his meds is not the reason to go home, especially when WE make this party for OUR kid and call our FRIENDS to come....
I wanted to leave, not for good, just to walk, he did not let me, and than he started to cry, and went out... I`ve call him 30 times, he did not answer, just let me message, I`m the biggist mistake in his life.....

Tashana

Christine:
Tashana,

It is very, very difficult when you first find out your +. I know I have said mean, hurtful things to my husband trying to push him away, trying to make him hurt as much as I did.

I have, more than once, told my husband I wanted to leave, or he should leave, during a fight.

It takes time to adjust to a new normal life. But it can happen. Your lives together can go on. Talk to each other, get everything out, yell, cry, scream. It sort of sounds like you both are holding a lot inside, afraid of hurting the other person.

We are all here for both of you. You are not alone.

I PMed you also.

Christine

Tashana:
Thank you, Christine, very much for your support. My husb and I are together for almost 16 years, 10 and a half married. We know each other quite well (how well? when THIS was happend?!?), and had some problems and before. But, who doesn't not? The difference is only that I talk, and I'm not afraid to admit my own mistakes. Nobody is perfect, we have to live with it.
I've already said, he is much easier to live with now. Why something must be happend in somebodies life to shake him up? Why don't people think that way BEFORE something bad happens? I was lot of times very hurted during all this years, feeling bed, closing my eyes lot of, lot of times. But, always finding the very good reason to stay, not to leave... We know lot of people who gave up of the marriage, even having kids, good jobs, nice places to live... Everytime I hear the story, I ask myself who is right, and who is not. Many of them, when I say my story, I see in their eye a lot of questions, they don't believe what I am passing through, and still stay on my way. And, nobody of them knows what is NOW going on....
When he told me the result of the first test, I felt... The kids was only in my mind. What if I'm also poz?... After the first test the doct had to take more blood from my vein, and while they was doing it, I was crying, all broken inside of me. Our, my children needs me... I must live at least 20 years more, to raise them up... It was horrible, until I finally got negative result. Since husb was allready in hospital, I called that nice girl-doctor on the phone from the car, telling her that I can not cam to get my result cause he's in the hosp and I have to bring him some thinks, and she was so touched with all things that happend the other day, she told me the result by the phone, telling Thanks God...
I can not imagine living my life without him. He is my husband, the father of my kids, he's my friend, everything. I could never leave him. Who cares who with he made love? It's just sex. I know that he lives for me and the kids. And that's all.

Tashana
 

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