Main Forums > Someone I Care About Has HIV

trying to be a strong gf

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snoofle:
i already posted a little bit of my story that im a negative girl in a relationship with a positive boy and we've been together for over three years now but i only recently found out about his status. anyways, lately ive been really really bogged down mentally, spiritually, even physically at times by everything going on. ive been going to therapy sporadically since i found out abt him in december, but it doesnt seem to help my feelings of hopelessness. and iits not just his HIV thats making me feel so bad. His parents both died from AIDs, so his only immediate family are his two younger sisters and lately his 18 yr old sister has been upsetting me in such a bad way that its just hard to describe. its gotten to the point where i just cant stand to be around that family (meaning all three of them in the same house) and i absolutely hate having to visit him at his house because of these feelings. as of now, ive been feeling sooo upset combined with stress from him, stress from school, my own family stress, and every other negative feeling that ive asked him to leave me alone until i figure out what i need to make me happy again. and even asking for this "me time" has made me feel so awful and guilty, bc i know hes still really sick and still fully recovering from his HIV meningitis, but i know that im probably more useless as a positive support when im feeling so depressed about everything. i just still cant help feeling like crap regardless of what i do  :'(

kellyspoppi:
 :) snoofle, i have read the postings on your blog, and feel for you dearly. one thing i have not read in these postings yet is whether or not you love this guy. i'll leave it up to you to give that up or not. it would help me to know how to proceed with what i want to tell you, but since i don't know, let me address some of your concerns from my perspective.
first of all, i am old enough to be your dad, so i hope i don't sound like a controling parent here. but i have been in your place long ago, on the positive side of your relationship. after my fiance passed away in 1989 (i learned i got the virus from her after she was infected by a blood transfusion she got before we met) i eventually wanted to re enter the dating scene. i was 38 at the time.
going back to my fiance for the moment, by the time she was informed that this blood transfusion she got before we met had given her hiv, she and i were very much in love. so to be honest, even if she had known before we met that she was positive, i don't know if it would have made a difference in whether or we stayed together. the fact she didn't know, made our having hiv together something we could share, and help each other through. now, after she died, and i started dating again, i tried dating with negative woman. i would always disclose my status even before i would have sex with them.
one woman i was dating for about 6 months, started taking risks with me, like wanting to have spur of the moment sex without protection, and even though i would pull out before orgasm, i knew we were taking a chance.
the first time she and i went to the health dept together to get her test results, i can't possibly convey to you the sense of panic i felt knowing that i could have been responcible for infecting another human being.  :o
for as long as you and he are together, no matter how often you and he use protection, and hopefully that will be every time, the chance always exists that an accident could occur where the rubber breaks, or slides off, etc.etc. you need to know that your chance of exposure to the virus exists, and therefore how you feel about him deep down in your heart matters.
for me, after i waited, what seemed like an eternity, for her to come out of the office from getting her results, i realized i did not love her enough to continue that relationship. you have to decide if you love him enough that should an accident occur and you get infected that it will not change your feelings of love toward him.
other family problems aside, that is what truly matters here. if you do not love him enough to take that kind of chance, and at age 21, with so much to live for, do you really want to , then your insistence on having some time to think this thing through is the right thing for you to do now.   
although i think your feeling guilty is admirable for considering ending this relationship, it should never be the sole cause of staying with him either. you could still be best of friends and support him in every way possible. we could all use a good friend like that in our life.
also, i'm assuming he is around your age. after i made the decision to not date negative women any more, i began attending an hiv support group at the age of 40 and met my current hiv + wife there. so all is not doom and gloom for him either. he needs to take good care of himself and take his meds, and start seeking out some type of counceling to get his head on the right path.
if you are still planning to be with him, i encourage the both of you to get some counceling help to work through the many complicated issues you will be facing down the road.
and finally, stop beating yourself up. be thrilled you are not positive. set boundries up against those other members of his family, even if you and he decide to be friends.
i hope to hear from you soon.
kellyspoppi

water duck:
You need a break very very badly, please tell the world

I AM ON HOLIDAYS

snoofle:
thats kellyspoppi. it was nice to read something that kind of put everything in a bit of perspective. i do love him alot..and that shouldve  been something i did mention, but it is extremely hard for me right now. im pretty sure i wouldnt let the guilt keep me in the relationship if i didnt want to, because i feel extremely guilty just asking for my own time, but ive still managed to keep up with it. anyways, lately ive been trying to figure out why i feel so sad; and i find alot of it does go back to how sick he is from the virus, not really knowing that he has HIV. ever since december, hes been hit with one thing after another..and its just not letting up. he had a herniated disk (which i kno wasnt HIV related) which he had back surgery for..so he couldnt walk and he barely still can walk; he had meningitis and was in the hospital for 2wks; he had to go back about two more times to stay in the hospital after his meningitis stay..and now hes at home, but like i said before, he cant walk properly bc his leg got so weak and swollen (which i thought was neuropathy)  so he uses a walker. and then he doesnt have any family besides his 2 little sisters and really, it jus seems like it will never end. and i think ab how it seems like we just cant catch a break and i feel so lost.

kellyspoppi:
it is great to hear you love him because then i can advise you on the same level i'm at. love means support, something many people with hiv don't have due to the stigma associated with this disease.
i realize that at this very young age this must all seem very overwhelming, but lets look at it in a more positive way, something that is very important when trying to combat aids or any disease..... a positive state of mind!
first of all, even if he has had hiv since birth, the fact that he has only just begun treatment means he has many more years of options left to him. i have known many pwa's (persons with aids) whose cd 4 counts were less than 10 and on their death beds when the new "cocktails" were coming out in 1996, and now they are back to work and living quality lives.
so as long as he maintains taking his hiv meds and working closely with his doctor monitoring his cd4 & virol load #'s, he should slowly but surely get healthy again and stay healthy for many more years to come. but the key is keeping your mindset positive and not dwell on how sad it is that he has this disease. remember that there are diseases out there where treatments aren't an option. he has plenty of options left. as an example, i was infected in 1985, didn't start taking meds until 1996, and i am still successful on my second regimen.
secondly, make sure he has a good hiv doctor, not just a family physician, someone who is knowlegable about hiv. if his current doc is a family physician, look in phone book to see if there is an aids treatment center near by. if not, have his doctor refer him to an infectious disease doc who will be more informed and will consult with an hiv doctor or aids treatment center when necessary. that is my current type of care.
his prognosis for life is good, but he will sense your sadness and feed off that, so stick with your counceling and work on ridding yourself of those fears. i'm not saying it isn't scary, but to dwell on the negative breeds negative results.
you have your whole lives ahead of you and the best way to do so is to take one day at a time. get him healthy first, and then start planning ahead. better and brighter days are still to come.
THIS IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE! 
when i was first diagnosed my son was 8 years old. at that time people were dieing of this disease and i was led to believe i had just a few years to live, if i was lucky. my thought was, i am never going to get to see my son graduate from college. now he has made me a grandfather 4 times.
yes, i lost my fiance, but not to aids. she died from something that was not aids related. my life was a mess after she died. if it wasn't for seeking help, and through that help, changing my atitude, i would not be here today talking with you.
you say you are still in school. read the "celestine prophesy". it changed my outlook on life, and hopefully it will help to change yours.
stay in touch,
kellyspoppi

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