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Author Topic: Stupid human nature.  (Read 2574 times)

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Offline aupointillimite

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Stupid human nature.
« on: March 22, 2007, 06:48:55 PM »
I am rapidly coming to realize that when one has something awesome... one very rarely appreciates it.  Until it's far too late.

My ex Chris... whom I dicked over horribly... and whom I still love dearly...

Damn.

The weather here has turned spring-y, and the trees have bloomed... and the duskiness is reminding me of perhaps my favorite memory that I spent with him.

It was spring 2004... and I had moved to Richmond a few months before... Chris and I were rather deeply in love.  And he and I decided to escape the Punk Rock Flophouse of Horror I lived in at the time to grab some white wine somewhere in Richmond.

I borrowed my roommates 1981 VW Rabbit Cabriolet... we had the top down, and I put Billie Holliday in the CD player.  We drove down a really gorgeous street in the dusk, holding hands over the stick shift, and he kept singing snatches of "Them There Eyes" into my ear and smiling...   

It was really beautiful.  Le sigh.

Did I appreciate it fully at the time? 

Fuck no.

I don't know if I should feel like an idiot or normal.  Or both. 
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline scotttt

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2007, 07:09:10 PM »
"and whom I still love dearly..."

Hey Benj,

I think the answer rests in those words.  If you really still love him why not contact him and communicate your feeling?  I am not suggesting that you reveal all of your feelings at once, but perhaps letting him know that you miss him and think about him might be a good place to start.  I am sure that he would be pleasantly surprised by this.  It would certainly make his day. 

Jaded and cynical as I am, I still strongly believe in love.

Take care,

Scott 


Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2007, 07:13:04 PM »
"and whom I still love dearly..."

Hey Benj,

I think the answer rests in those words.  If you really still love him why not contact him and communicate your feeling?  I am not suggesting that you reveal all of your feelings at once, but perhaps letting him know that you miss him and think about him might be a good place to start.  I am sure that he would be pleasantly surprised by this.  It would certainly make his day. 

Jaded and cynical as I am, I still strongly believe in love.

Take care,

Scott 

We've actually talked about it... and he still has feelings for me as well.  But he's moved to Olympia. 

I last saw him a couple months ago... we had a great time... I ended up, as I always do when I see him, apologizing for having been such an ass.  He was very sweet about it, said we were too young to live to together when we did (we were both 21)... and we talk when we can.  Which is infrequently... but it's one of those "what if" things, I suppose.  And I'm actually quite forlorn when I think about it too much.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline dtwpuck

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2007, 07:22:30 PM »
Olympia?  as in WA...   Nice town.. but weird. 

I think you are right.  We rarely appreciate what we have when we have it, except when it's bad... then we feel like it's worse than it is. 

There is one ex whom I still miss.  He's back in Seattle.  I still think about him making me laugh by the fantastically spontaneous comments he could make in any situation.  I miss that so much.

Benj... at least you still talk to your ex.  .....   and here's hoping you've learned enough to appreciate the good things that happen to you the next time.  :-)

Scott
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline jyngfilm

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2007, 07:27:29 PM »
hmmm, ?? Dude? ... :-\  for spring, it's kind of a bummer melencholy thought.  I miss my wife of 13 years terribly.
Boy did I fuck up. You've brought me to tears...(teary eyed at least). Not much like you.  I stand up and openly admit to God and everyone...it was pure selfishness ,,, I wanted cake and ice cream too. ...anyways.
give me a drink, and I'll tell you to never look back. Pretty much the only way I can deal with my hick ass
"Stupid human [tricks] nature".
~jordon
munchausen by proxy is not an out in my case

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2007, 07:59:52 PM »
Ah yes, Spring has sprung and mating season has begun....It's just your hormones, get over it you young whippersnapper....*smacks Benj upside the head*
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline milker

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2007, 08:18:54 PM »
The first time I felt in love I was not ready for this, it scared me and I turned against my bf, got really nasty, making him cry for hours on the phone while I was adopting the "bitch, I don't care about your pussy tears, look at you, you're just ridiculous, go call mommy" attitude.. Yeah it was bad bad bad. He got so depressed he went to the hospital for a couple of weeks, and then disappeared from my life.

A year later I see him online (I was using those early chat things in Europe back in the late 80s) and my heart suddenly melts, and I realize how much I loved him and how bad I had been, and call him, start crying on the phone, apologizing for all the bad things I said/did to him, and he said it was okay, it was a year ago, everything was forgotten and he would love to try to start again.

He was living a couple of hours drive away from my place, and we talked on the phone for a week until he asked me to come to his place and have a walk together in the country, hand in hand, like the good old times. I jumped around, screamed of joy, packed my stuff and drove to his place on that saturday. He was living with his mother whom I had known the year before, a great woman, very caring and loving.

I arrived at the door after the 2 hour trip, totally excited, flowers in hand, and rang the bell. His mother opened the door and I said "Oh Mrs (don't remember her last name) I'm so happy to see you", with a smile as large as the Queen Mary.

She slapped me violently in the face and yelled: "I AM NOT, WE ARE NOT, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH, DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU DID TO MY SON YOU POOR PIECE OF SHIT, YOU'RE WORTH NOTHING, NOTHING, AND I WANTED TO HAVE YOU COME HERE TO SPIT IN YOUR FACE, YOU CUNT". She did, took the flowers and threw them on the floor, and slammed the door shut.

I sat on the side walk and cried, cried, cried, an hour, two hours, I don't remember. Then I left, turned around and saw my ex-bf looking through the window, his mother with her arm around him, both with an angry face.

That day I learned what Stupid Human Nature meant. I learned a lesson, a big one. Since that day I swore to myself I would never never hurt anyone's heart, and this is why I guess I'm so wary about starting a relationship and I've missed many opportunities because of that.

Sorry for the half-hijack, but the beginning of your story reminded me of mine. But I'm sure it will end better :)

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2007, 08:27:17 PM »
Without knowing all the details... I submit that your ex perhaps went a bit too far.

I think Chris knew how much I really regretted what happened... and how much I regretted losing him.  His revenge was that... and he bloody well knew it.

Le sigh.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline cullens888

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2007, 11:22:23 PM »
Well I still love my ex  even though he`s  a rat bastard... But there were good times ... guess part of me will always love him.. I do miss him but we have`nt spoken in almost 10 years.. I`ve been alone ever since.. Can`t go thru that again.. I left him in phoenix and came back home to my  Mommy.   :D What a wuss huh?  Well boo f##king Whoo!  Now I feel better even if no one reads this..   ::)  :P

Offline thunter34

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2007, 11:26:09 PM »
i just read it!  and on a side note, would love to know who the babe is in your avatar.  yowza. 

we've all been there.  there are still times i miss with ex husbands 1 and 2.  there's a sweet innocence that i sentimentally attach to those memories...even though we were behaving like little devils back then. 


ah, the good life.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2007, 11:28:24 PM »
i just read it!  and on a side note, would love to know who the babe is in your avatar.  yowza. 

The dude from Smallville.

If I'm told I look like him one more time, I'll lose it.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline thunter34

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  • His name is Carl.
Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2007, 11:48:28 PM »
Oh!  That's Tom Welling?  Didn't recognize him.


Mmmmm....Smallville.


You know who else was kinda hot in a WB sort of way?  That dude with the big ears from Roswell.


Mmmmm....Roswell.


PS-  You do kind of favor one another.   ;D
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline milker

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2007, 12:08:48 AM »
Without knowing all the details... I submit that your ex perhaps went a bit too far.

I think Chris knew how much I really regretted what happened... and how much I regretted losing him.  His revenge was that... and he bloody well knew it.

Le sigh.

Funny my ex's name was Chris too.

He didn't go too far, trust me. His revenge was to the level it should have been given how bad I had been with him. It taught me a lesson. I was 20 and will never forget it. I looked for him on the internet a few years ago.. He became a cop and was "disgraced because of gay behavior". It was back in 1996, and the journalist I contacted about this story told me she didn't have trace of it anymore.

I still have this lingering love for him. Won't go away. I just wish I didn't hurt him that much when I was so stupid.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline egello

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2007, 12:31:11 AM »
well, i am not that much older than you, but i think you learn to appreciate life a lot more as you get older and gain more experience in reading people
Reyataz / Norvir / Truvada/ Androgel 5 g / 2 days
1/29/07 14 T, 300 k V, 1.8 %
2/22/07 197 T, 247 V, 6.8 %
3/27/07 164 T, <50 V, 5.4 %
5/28/07 177 T, <50 V, 8.2 %
7/28/07 214 T, <50 V, 9.6 %
10/3/07 380 T, <50 V, 10 % no more Mepron, Famvir

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2007, 12:36:17 AM »
well, i am not that much older than you, but i think you learn to appreciate life a lot more as you get older and gain more experience in reading people

I hope so...

Le sigh.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline curmudgeonly

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #15 on: March 23, 2007, 12:38:41 AM »
As a young reader of Carson McCullers I adopted the Ballad of the Sad Cafe model of love, or found it to be most close to approximating my life.  It's very simple:

those whom we love do not return our love,

those who love us cannot be objects of our love.

I've had the system down since age 15 or so.  It really simplifies everything so much.
Life is full of pain, I'm cruisin' through my brain
And I fill my nose with snow and go Rimbaud,
Go Rimbaud, go Rimbaud,
And go Johnny go, and do the watusi, oh do the watusi

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2007, 12:40:48 AM »
As a young reader of Carson McCullers I adopted the Ballad of the Sad Cafe model of love, or found it to be most close to approximating my life.  It's very simple:

those whom we love do not return our love,

those who love us cannot be objects of our love.

I've had the system down since age 15 or so.  It really simplifies everything so much.

It's the old saying, "I wouldn't want to be in a club that would have someone like me as a member," isn't it?
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline curmudgeonly

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2007, 12:44:30 AM »
It's the old saying, "I wouldn't want to be in a club that would have someone like me as a member," isn't it?

More like "I'd like to be in that club but they don't want me" and "I don't want anyone in my club who asks to be in it,"  I think.
Life is full of pain, I'm cruisin' through my brain
And I fill my nose with snow and go Rimbaud,
Go Rimbaud, go Rimbaud,
And go Johnny go, and do the watusi, oh do the watusi

Offline egello

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Re: Stupid human nature.
« Reply #18 on: March 23, 2007, 01:10:25 AM »
but the psychological studies and sociology studies have come long ways...

those whom we love do not return our love,

those who love us cannot be objects of our love.


these attitudes are so of yesterdaya and very romantic notion of the way people were in the past when they were string pulled by our uncontrollable desires and misunderstood human nature.

there are tons of ways to get over that... i guess our modern dogma is to think

they ain't worth my love if they  ain't able to love us in the first place....

Reyataz / Norvir / Truvada/ Androgel 5 g / 2 days
1/29/07 14 T, 300 k V, 1.8 %
2/22/07 197 T, 247 V, 6.8 %
3/27/07 164 T, <50 V, 5.4 %
5/28/07 177 T, <50 V, 8.2 %
7/28/07 214 T, <50 V, 9.6 %
10/3/07 380 T, <50 V, 10 % no more Mepron, Famvir

 


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