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Author Topic: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down  (Read 1799 times)

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Offline milker

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I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« on: March 18, 2007, 10:30:53 PM »
Since I tested poz I've been sleeping like a baby, I've been singing listening to song on the radio, dancing around, I feel fucking great, basically.

It's been years since I felt so good. I usually was a bit tired all day, I thought everything/everyone was dull, but since I've tested poz I laugh my ass off, I have my eyes wide open to the world, my body feels better than when I was going to the gym everyday at 5am. I have rarely felt so upbeat, I'm laughing at everything, I feel like life is great and I finally have 8 hours sleeps.

But when I wake up, the first thought that comes is HIV POZ. And being hiv is in my mind every minute. But still, I feel fucking great, seriously!!! Better than ever in the last .... I'd say.. 5 or even 10 years!!!!!! What's going on!

Who has experienced this before, and how should I get prepared for the fall down, because I know it will happen?
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2007, 10:58:20 PM »
Patent it and sell it!! Hold that feeling and keep it... :)

Eric

Offline Longislander

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Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2007, 11:50:23 PM »
well, you've either gone nuts!, or HIV was some kind of inner wake up call, and you now know life wasn't as dull as you'd thought. ( hopefully the latter)

The day will come very shortly when you don't wake up and think HIV first thing. I think we all went through that phase for a few, to several months. But one day you suddenly realize you didn't think it.

Enjoy the good feelings. There more than likely will come a day when things aren't so great, but since you're at such a high, the dip won't be so bad to take!
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Bucko

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    • The Spin Cycle
Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2007, 12:27:48 AM »
Maybe just maybe (and this is a leap of faith) part of it might come from relief from the burden of fear that you might someday get infected. HIV/AIDS has been a fact of Milkie's adult life from the beginning, hanging like some grim sword over his head.

Or maybe he's in a state of total denial, which without having actually met him would be a difficult assumption to make.

Or maybe it's just time Milkie passed around whatever it is that is keeping him euphoric. I wouldn't mind some right about now  ;D

Whatever it is, dear...savor it.

Brent
(Who finds pleasure in the smallest milligrams)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2007, 08:39:43 AM »
Maybe just maybe (and this is a leap of faith) part of it might come from relief from the burden of fear that you might someday get infected. HIV/AIDS has been a fact of Milkie's adult life from the beginning, hanging like some grim sword over his head.

The above was a little true for me. Milker: Glad to read what you wrote. The fact that you have HIV on your mind a lot tells me you're sensible and you'll balance out the euphoric feelings with prudent learning, i.e., staying one step ahead of your HIV. In my humble opinion, the people who tend to "fall down" Icarus-style are people like me who chose not to take meds until cd4 went to double digits. I knew I had HIV but I shoved it (violently) to the back of my mind.  :-[ Sadly, I yelled out a big defiant F-you to the pharmaceutical industry and that's where my dangerous euphoria began. Your story is different meaning you're here on AIDSMEDS, so how about this: We'll keep you in check!  :D
« Last Edit: March 19, 2007, 09:12:54 AM by allopathicholistic »

Offline Peter6836

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  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2007, 09:29:07 AM »
You might find this article interesting on mental health and AIDS, in the tool box section check out the article "From Surviving to Thriving: HIV-Associated Post traumatic Growth". It talks just about such a thing. http://mentalhealthaids.samhsa.gov/index.asp

Offline milker

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Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2007, 11:04:14 AM »
Maybe just maybe (and this is a leap of faith) part of it might come from relief from the burden of fear that you might someday get infected. HIV/AIDS has been a fact of Milkie's adult life from the beginning, hanging like some grim sword over his head.

My first word to the doctor after learning i'm poz: "Finally...".

I think you're right Bucko.. and I would never consider myself a chaser. It was not a "Finally!!!!" but rather a "Finally...". I knew I was taking risks, I was surprised (and very happy!!) every 6 months after each test that I was negative. The day I wanted to announce to my mum that I was gay she announced to me the death of her best gay friend because of AIDS around 1987 I think; I had to wait 5 more years to tell her.

I've been sleeping so well, feeling so good during the last 3 weeks compared to the years before that I can't deny this has to be related to my change of status. It's just not what I expected; I won't complain of course. I guess the next results should have an effect on me that will reverse those feelings a bit or a lot, I don't know.

I would think that trading 20 years of sword over my head with 20 years meds, OIs, checkups, money worries, etc wouldn't put me at ease... i'm weird i'm telling you!

Milker
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Ihavehope

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  • Yes, I'm a cry baby, AND WHAT?
Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2007, 11:07:30 AM »


kiddin, milkie,

You should just enjoy this thriving energy you have, dont analyze it.
Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Offline pozinbama

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  • Posts: 74
Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2007, 11:13:53 AM »
I think it is because you've gone from the unknown into the known. There is more of a clear path that we have to follow now that we know we are poz. Whereas the time of the unknowing is filled with, well, unknowing and worrying. I think it is feeling the weight drop from your shoulders syndrome. It has happened with me too. Of course there will be additional weights to be added with time, but enjoy the free feeling now I say.

Offline racingmind

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  • Posts: 236
Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2007, 11:29:30 AM »
Yeah, I always thought that you were strangely upbeat for someone so newly diagnosed....I'm glad that you are recognizing it.  I kinda crashed hard after my diagnosis and it took me months of therapy to sort of come to terms with it.  I still have my issues (I found out this past September), but I'm beginning to move forward again. 

I wouldn't worry about your current state of mind...it's much better than being overwhelmed with despair. As long as you acknowledge the situation you are in and take care of yourself you'll be okay.  Seek out counseling if you think it might help. 

all the best.
Tested Negative: 5/06
Tested Positive: 9/06 
9/06: CD4: 442 (28%) VL: +100,000
10/06: CD4: 323 (25%) VL: 243,440
11/06: CD4: 405 (28%) VL: 124,324
12/06: CD4: 450 (29%) VL: 114,600
1/07: CD4: 440 (27%) VL: 75,286
3/07: CD4: 459 (30%) VL: 44,860
5/07: CD4: 353 (24%) VL: 50,852
7/07: CD4: 437 (29%) VL: 39,475
9/07: CD4: 237 (32%) VL: 372,774
10/07: CD4: 324 (27%) VL: 115,454 
Started Atripla: 10/07
11/07: CD4: 524 (?%) VL: Undetectable!
2/08: CD4: 653 (35%) VL: undetectable
5/08: CD4: 822 (40%) VL: undetectable
8/08: CD4: 626 (35%) VL: undetectable
12/08: CD4: 619 (36%) VL: undetectable
3/09: CD4: 802 (38%) VL: undetectable
7/09: CD4: 1027 (43%) VL: not tested
10/09: CD4: 1045 (43%) VL: undetectable

Offline milker

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Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2007, 12:22:31 PM »
racingmind,

I'm sending you some of my energy right now, I have plenty to share I hope you take it and feel great soon :)
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline puertorico2006

  • Member
  • Posts: 957
Re: I'm too upbeat and I'm scared about the fall down
« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2007, 12:43:48 PM »
Its glad to know your feeling happy....

I'm happier than ever also so i know what you mean....

for me i think it was more the wakeup call and it helped me decide exactly what i want and dont want to do with my life....So now im working from their...

i guess i went through about a month of feeling like crap until i decided i wasnt going to keep it a secret and since ive told the people i love well its much easier now...

I still wake up every day and think about HIV but its getting better....i used to think about it right when my alarm clock rang and now i pet my dog, take a shower, have my diet coke and then i think about it hehe...

but i wouldnt worry about when your going to fall......just hope you dont :-D
Infected Probably: may 2005
Diagnosed: 11/2006

11/28/2006 CD4:309 / VL: 1907 No meds yet
12/27/2006 CD4:339/  VL:1649 No meds yet
  4/28/2007 CD4:550/  VL:1800 No meds :-)

 


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