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How do I keep hope alive?

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As I promised, I’m back.  I just went through the entire thread again and smiled, laughed and felt the love coming through… it’s been a while since I’ve felt that.

I sometimes do forget to think of Rowdy… I get so wrapped up in taking care of everything “out there” that I forget I need a hug too.  :(

Passion is a funny thing.

When I first came back from the brink of death in 1996-97, I made a conscious decision to LIVE!  In 1998 I went skydiving!  In 1999-2000 I took square dancing lessons and danced with some hot cowboys!   :P Yee-haa!  I went to Sydney, Australia for the Summer Olympics in 2000!  The following year (September 2001) I traveled to New York (...and picked up a cute guy on the subway and had wild sex with him!!!!!!!!!!!! :o :o :o)  The next day I flew to London and rode the Chunnel train to Paris (I whistled as I walked along the Seine …and I don’t whistle very well :-[), then flew to Rome and took the train to Florence and Milan!  In December of 2001 I went to the tip of Baja California and from my balcony watched the sun rise out of the fiery Sea of Cortez and set into the cool blue Pacific.  I bought a snazzy little red convertible sports car… 8) that took me to that “nekkid” beach a lot!  ;) I even drove it all the way from SF to LA on Highway 101 once wearing only my tennis shoes and a  ;D  !!!  I took voice acting lessons, which is a lot harder than I thought.

In 2002 over the New Year’s Eve holiday, I went on a retreat with 30 men.  We made life pledges and dressed up in funny costumes and danced around a spirit alter and took off all our clothes and rejoiced in our oneness and nekkidness!!! (Have you noticed there’s a lot of “nekkidness” in my life?!?!?) That New Year’s Eve I pledged to ride my bicycle 585 miles from San Francisco to Los Angeles the following June in the AIDS/LifeCycle and have done so 3 times.

Then somewhere during the third time riding, my energy seemed to be depleting.  Not my physical energy, but my desire to continue with the wonderful things I had been doing all these years.  Here I had turned away from self-fulfillment like trips and clothes and cars to doing something for others like riding my bike for a cause and I seemed to lose my spirit.  This puzzles me.  Shouldn’t I feel even more fulfilled?  I mean, I enjoy riding and being a part of the AIDS/LifeCycle world… it really is a cult… and yet I feel like I’m not getting the positive energy back from anyone.

Okay, here’s the kicker.  I met my boyfriend, funny how grown men at 50 years old talk about having “boyfriends” in August of 2004… he’s funny and smart and clever and I think I love him.  I say “think” because, there are other factors I truly need to take into consideration.  Have I latched onto him (and he onto me) because of fear of loneliness?  He’s great, honestly.  He signed up for the ALC with me the following year and rode with me from SF to LA in 2005.  We rode our bikes around Lake Tahoe last fall and around the Palm Springs dessert this past spring.  He fits right in my circle of friends and I into his… it’s a good match… except… he’s less than expressive with his love.  He doesn’t give me back the energy I so need and desire.  He’s not abusive, just one of those quiet types who often seems above it all.  I don’t understand this.  I’m very expressive and passionate about EVERYTHING!!!!  I’m loud and outspoken.  I’m not rude and tacky, but I laugh out loud and will say what most people are thinking but are too afraid to say.  He says he likes this about me, but sometimes is dismissive with me.

We don’t live together for other reasons… cats, leases, etc… but we spend lots of time together and we do everything together… ride, laundry, shop, movies, etc…

He positive too and now he may read this and know what’s going on in my head.  I’ve tried to tell him how I feel, but I always manage to just get angry or upset us both.  Maybe he gets it… maybe he doesn’t but I’ll never know, because he doesn’t open up to me.  He doesn’t tell me what’s on his mind.   :'(

It just seems like the relationship has changed me in ways that don’t necessarily make me happy and I’m afraid to acknowledge if it really is the relationship or something inside of me.  I used to feel alive… now I just feel like I’m here.  I used to feel it, I don’t feel it anymore.  I’d like to feel it again. :'(

I guess it’s time to go to the beach and get, you guessed it… nekkid! ;)

My apologies for the long post.

water duck:
Some are born listener not talker .


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