swede_dish:
These last few days I have been a little bit of a debbie downer. Weird dreams and recent turns of events have left me feeling less than kosher.
In a nutshell, I am afraid of dying alone. Not saying that I am dying anytime soon...but I dreamed I was last night...and while I was laying there, waiting for someone to come wish me fairwell or to say I love you, no one showed up. I just lied there waiting. I woke up feeling very empty today. Not necessarily depressed, but hollow.
I don't entirely blame this on my lack of a love life...but it seems to play a part in it. Seeing friends go out on dates, building relationships and such makes me resent them to a point. I know..I know...I should be happy for them and I am. I just wish I had the same thing...no such luck...
Alot of this has to do with my lack of family really. I DO have a family...it's that they show up when someone dies (recently David) and when I do something to make them mad....like before my knowing my status they heard a family rumor that I was a whore.. (WHICH I WASN'T)... causing me to get multiple phone calls and emails...nice to know they are there during the REALLY important times.. :-\
Financialy, my situation is getting better. With the new job and my recent sale a few "gems" I had put up on eBay, I have made enough to cover rent -which includes utilities- and my car insurance. Tution is another story. Have to go into the financial aid office today to see if I can get another student loan...sigh. Why must a basic post high school education cost an arm and a leg? It's almost more tempting not to go and pay off all my debts...but I know if I stop now I won't go back.
THAT'S ANOTHER THING THAT BOTHERED ME. My auntie and I have never seen eye to eye. I was on the phone with her the other day when I mentioned my tution and what I wanted to do when I got out of college. Here's how it went........
Lotus: "Well I'm taking Life Drawing III, PotteryII, Painting Advanced and Physics 101 this summer semester and the tuition is killing my bank account. Oh well, they have loans I can take out" Auntie Ave: "Now Jennifer, I know this is a sore subject...but is all this money worth it? I mean, with your condition and all..are you going to be able to get much use out of your degree? With your situation, you can't expect much of a career." MY CONDITION!? WHAT, DO I HAVE CRONIC HEADACHES? also...what does this woman know of careers.....she has never held a job for more than 3 weeks and married a rich old guy a month after her husband died so he would buy her Chanel bags and liposuction on her ghastly saddlebags...sorry...I'm bitter. Lotus: "Auntie Ave, I don't know what condition you're referring to but I can assure you I will get plenty of use out of my degree. More than your son's french degree..but I really must go. kiss kiss."
CLICK.
Her son's French degree is a sore subject. He's now working at Ikea after having had his degree for 5 years...and she still refers to him as the "jewel of the family"...while I remain the "bruise" on the family peach.
ugh. I just wish things would get better...
thank you for letting me rant.
love, lotus
Nadine:
((Big hugs to you, Lotus))
Don't let this world and the people in it get you down, you are a wonderful person, just don't you forget that!
swede_dish:
--- Quote from: Nadine on June 20, 2006, 08:06:39 AM ---((Big hugs to you, Lotus))
Don't let this world and the people in it get you down, you are a wonderful person, just don't you forget that!
--- End quote ---
aw thank you nadine! :) That means the world to me <3
allopathicholistic:
--- Quote from: swede_dish on June 20, 2006, 08:10:00 AM ---what does this woman know of careers.....she has never held a job for more than 3 weeks and married a rich old guy a month after her husband died so he would buy her Chanel bags and liposuction
--- End quote ---
:D :D sounds like (hope I'm wrong) she's a button-pusher. don't waste an ounce of mental energy on the deliberately unhelpful words of needlers & button-pushers
jkinatl2:
Lotus, I agree with allopath. Sounds like this is one "classy" lady.
People like that are spiders. They gently weave you into civilized cocversation, then once you are firmly trapped, they bite.