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Author Topic: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?  (Read 3224 times)

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Offline BKNYLivin

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« on: March 09, 2007, 10:13:07 PM »
A recent post got me thinking, so I thought I'd ask you guys.
In the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking about having a discussion with the guy who infected me. I've never mentioned anything to him and we still speak on the phone every now and then. Initially, I was angry with him(because I was told by a reliable source that he was aware of his HIV+ status when we were dating and has lied about his status to other partners)  and myself, but I'm over that. He also gave me syphilis, which rapidly turned into neuro-syphilis(apparently this can happen with acute HIV infection) and this meant almost 2 weeks in hospital.
He always seems to be very concerned about my health when we do speak(I can hear the guilt in his voice) and I always get the feeling that he is waiting for me to say something. I guess my evil side hasn't been prepared to relieve his guilt etc, but my kinder side is also thinking what if he is unaware that he has syphilis - it could be very dangerous to his health(and others).
I guess I'm at the point where I'm ready to have this discussion. I don't NEED to, because I've gotten over the anger, blame etc, but I think I ought to.
What do you guys think?
Diagnosed 9/18/06
10/13/06 - CD4:449, 33%,  VL:>500,000
11/20/06 - CD4: 392  VL:425,000
02/08/07 - CD4: 361, 16.9% VL:133,000
02/13/07 - Started HAART: Atripla
03/08/07 - CD4:401, 23.8% VL:643
06/05/07 - CD4:614, 33.6% VL:225
09/14/07 - CD4:612, 37%  VL: <50
12/14/07 - CD4:582, 38.5% VL:<50
4/11/08 - CD4: 658, VL: <50
3/5/09 - CD4: 847, 49% VL: <50
7/29/09 - CD4: 965, 50.1% VL: <50
12/28/09 - CD4: 925, 49.2% vl <50
9/16/10 - CD4: 1011 vl: <50

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2007, 10:17:42 PM »
I guess my evil side hasn't been prepared to relieve his guilt etc, but my kinder side is also thinking what if he is unaware that he has syphilis - it could be very dangerous to his health(and others).

Hail Fellow Syphililtic!

Babe, I'm glad your anger about this person infecting you with HIV is subsiding. That's good. For what it's worth I do think you should consider mentioning the Pox issue with him. As you know better than anyone (since you've had NS) it's a fucking horrendous condition that poses a considerable health threat.

MtD
(Who remembers having syphilis only too well)

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2007, 10:53:28 PM »
Quote
but my kinder side is also thinking what if he is unaware that he has syphilis - it could be very dangerous to his health(and others).


I think this part of your posts makes the best point FOR having the discussion with him. Thankfully you harbor no ill feeling towards him, and you can have a serious ,meaningful discussion, and hopefully stop the guy from infecting anyone else.

Good luck!
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline edfu

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,084
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2007, 11:29:30 PM »
You should do anything that might prevent him from infecting others. 
"No one will ever be free so long as there are pestilences."--Albert Camus, "The Plague"

"Mankind can never be free until the last brick in the last church falls on the head of the last priest."--Voltaire

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2007, 11:40:38 PM »
A talk might just be good for the both of you. I'm glad you are no longer angry with him and that guilt you hear might just be him wishing he could come forward. Disclosure is not the easiest thing to discuss with someone, not excusing him for infecting you but just saying. He has a side too, maybe this talk will show what he was dealing with or whatever. Good Luck to you and I hope the talk goes well.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline BKNYLivin

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2007, 11:49:08 PM »
Thanks guys, I guess it's time for the discussion. I'll get it over and done with at some point this weekend - hopefully, if he hasn't been treated for syphilis he'll get it taken care of and not pass it on to anyone else. Plus, I really don't wish NS on anyone(it wasn't fun), not even him.

Queen - yeah I've thought about that, I think it's something very difficult for him to talk about.

Matty - damn, I got a "Babe" - what a lil syphilis can do. ;)
Diagnosed 9/18/06
10/13/06 - CD4:449, 33%,  VL:>500,000
11/20/06 - CD4: 392  VL:425,000
02/08/07 - CD4: 361, 16.9% VL:133,000
02/13/07 - Started HAART: Atripla
03/08/07 - CD4:401, 23.8% VL:643
06/05/07 - CD4:614, 33.6% VL:225
09/14/07 - CD4:612, 37%  VL: <50
12/14/07 - CD4:582, 38.5% VL:<50
4/11/08 - CD4: 658, VL: <50
3/5/09 - CD4: 847, 49% VL: <50
7/29/09 - CD4: 965, 50.1% VL: <50
12/28/09 - CD4: 925, 49.2% vl <50
9/16/10 - CD4: 1011 vl: <50

Offline BKNYLivin

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2007, 04:25:35 PM »
Well, I had the talk today and it wasn't much of a discussion. He was very indifferent, denied ever being positive(he just happens to now have 2 positive ex-lovers) or having syphilis and didn't really have much to say. For someone who has been so concerned about my health the last few months, this was very strange.
Well, I've done my bit - but I'm feeling a bit angry, so I'm going shopping.
Diagnosed 9/18/06
10/13/06 - CD4:449, 33%,  VL:>500,000
11/20/06 - CD4: 392  VL:425,000
02/08/07 - CD4: 361, 16.9% VL:133,000
02/13/07 - Started HAART: Atripla
03/08/07 - CD4:401, 23.8% VL:643
06/05/07 - CD4:614, 33.6% VL:225
09/14/07 - CD4:612, 37%  VL: <50
12/14/07 - CD4:582, 38.5% VL:<50
4/11/08 - CD4: 658, VL: <50
3/5/09 - CD4: 847, 49% VL: <50
7/29/09 - CD4: 965, 50.1% VL: <50
12/28/09 - CD4: 925, 49.2% vl <50
9/16/10 - CD4: 1011 vl: <50

Offline Ihavehope

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,366
  • Yes, I'm a cry baby, AND WHAT?
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2007, 04:49:06 PM »
good luck in the decision you make. he should not be infecting others and if there is anything you can do to prevent that to happen you will be doing the right thing. HIV not only affects the person who is infected but his loved ones.
Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Offline aupointillimite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,229
  • FUS DO RAH!
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2007, 05:00:25 PM »
Edited out because I realized (well, a little bird told me) that my post was pointless.

I'm functionally illiterate.  You'll have to excuse me.

At least you told him, and the weight's off your mind.

You did your bit, and that's all you can do.


« Last Edit: March 10, 2007, 05:06:44 PM by aupointillimite »
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,551
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #9 on: March 10, 2007, 05:11:13 PM »
BK, you did the decent thing and it wasn't easy. If you hadn't it would likely have continued to niggle at you and who needs that.

Now you can get on with taking good care of yourself.

Well done.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline bravebuddharich

  • Member
  • Posts: 179
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #10 on: March 10, 2007, 05:44:46 PM »
Reading your posts in your thread, it reconfirmed for me what a bad idea it is to talk to people with a strong hope for a particular outcome. I had kind of expected your ex to behave indifferently - I had the same conversation years ago with the man who infected me (he passed away many many years ago). Forgiving him wasn't easy, but it was necessary!! I hope you feel better. I'd never heard of that tougher type of syphilis before - sorry to hear you had it.

Metta,
Rich

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #11 on: March 10, 2007, 05:47:32 PM »
definitely did what you needed to do for you, your conscience is clear to move ahead.

All the best~
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #12 on: March 10, 2007, 05:57:33 PM »
Matty - damn, I got a "Babe" - what a lil syphilis can do.

Those of us who've had the Pox are a cut above and entitled to the best , doll face.

MtD :-*

Offline BKNYLivin

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #13 on: March 10, 2007, 08:19:07 PM »
Thanks for all the support and PMs.
I feel much better! It was a nice day here in NY, so I took a long walk, thought about everything and charged myself a little happiness(2 killer boots).
I've been avoiding one of my favorite venues, 'coz I didn't want to run into him and have to have this talk in public etc. Well, it's done now - I'm going to take a long bath, "beat my face into place", drink a glass of wine and go out tonight. Actually, it will be my first real social outing(apart from private dinner parties etc) since testing positive.
Thanks guys!!!
Diagnosed 9/18/06
10/13/06 - CD4:449, 33%,  VL:>500,000
11/20/06 - CD4: 392  VL:425,000
02/08/07 - CD4: 361, 16.9% VL:133,000
02/13/07 - Started HAART: Atripla
03/08/07 - CD4:401, 23.8% VL:643
06/05/07 - CD4:614, 33.6% VL:225
09/14/07 - CD4:612, 37%  VL: <50
12/14/07 - CD4:582, 38.5% VL:<50
4/11/08 - CD4: 658, VL: <50
3/5/09 - CD4: 847, 49% VL: <50
7/29/09 - CD4: 965, 50.1% VL: <50
12/28/09 - CD4: 925, 49.2% vl <50
9/16/10 - CD4: 1011 vl: <50

Offline koi1

  • Member
  • Posts: 713
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #14 on: March 10, 2007, 08:26:52 PM »
Wow, that must have been hard for you. I prefer not knowing who infected me because I don't think I could think like you. No, not yet. I am still suffering as most of us do. I commend you for having no more anger. I don't feel any anger towards anyone and I am slowly learning to forgive myself for putting myself at risk. There is one guy that I may have gotten it from. He had a nervous breakdown and disappeared. He would call and remain on the line but would never speak. I prefer not to think aobut it too much. Anyway, I' m sorry the meeting did not go as you hoped. Enjoy those boots!


rob
diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline bobbyhuse

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2007, 11:40:16 PM »
 :-\ i believe a person can be arrested for knowing he has tested poz and is still infecting people,i think u would helping to hide the culprit,know i herd that somewhere,wish i could find who infected me

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2007, 11:53:39 PM »
We infect ourselves by consenting to unprotected sex.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline BKNYLivin

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2007, 04:05:09 AM »
:-\ i believe a person can be arrested for knowing he has tested poz and is still infecting people,i think u would helping to hide the culprit,know i herd that somewhere,wish i could find who infected me
This thread was never about that and I don't intend on having anyone arrested.
We infect ourselves by consenting to unprotected sex.
Many will disagree depending on circumstances, trust, broken condoms etc., but that's another thread.
Diagnosed 9/18/06
10/13/06 - CD4:449, 33%,  VL:>500,000
11/20/06 - CD4: 392  VL:425,000
02/08/07 - CD4: 361, 16.9% VL:133,000
02/13/07 - Started HAART: Atripla
03/08/07 - CD4:401, 23.8% VL:643
06/05/07 - CD4:614, 33.6% VL:225
09/14/07 - CD4:612, 37%  VL: <50
12/14/07 - CD4:582, 38.5% VL:<50
4/11/08 - CD4: 658, VL: <50
3/5/09 - CD4: 847, 49% VL: <50
7/29/09 - CD4: 965, 50.1% VL: <50
12/28/09 - CD4: 925, 49.2% vl <50
9/16/10 - CD4: 1011 vl: <50

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2007, 04:23:22 AM »
Apologies for the hijack.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline BKNYLivin

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2007, 04:40:07 AM »
Apologies for the hijack.


No biggie, just didn't want it to seem like this thread was about blame, 'coz  that wasn't my original intention.
Diagnosed 9/18/06
10/13/06 - CD4:449, 33%,  VL:>500,000
11/20/06 - CD4: 392  VL:425,000
02/08/07 - CD4: 361, 16.9% VL:133,000
02/13/07 - Started HAART: Atripla
03/08/07 - CD4:401, 23.8% VL:643
06/05/07 - CD4:614, 33.6% VL:225
09/14/07 - CD4:612, 37%  VL: <50
12/14/07 - CD4:582, 38.5% VL:<50
4/11/08 - CD4: 658, VL: <50
3/5/09 - CD4: 847, 49% VL: <50
7/29/09 - CD4: 965, 50.1% VL: <50
12/28/09 - CD4: 925, 49.2% vl <50
9/16/10 - CD4: 1011 vl: <50

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,403
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #20 on: March 13, 2007, 03:57:26 PM »
BKNYlivin....I think you did the right thing by telling him. What a bastard he is. Now you know that, and that must make you feel good.

Good job!
Positive since 1985

Offline Central79

  • Member
  • Posts: 527
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #21 on: March 13, 2007, 05:36:44 PM »
BKNY - I don't know how you could talk to him. I'm glad I don't know who infected me, because I believe (14 months post diagnosis) that I would be a danger to that person. I'm having trouble forgiving myself for not taking more care.

Hope I can get to where you are. Regardless of his "indifference" it sounds like you're in a good space.

Matt.
Diagnosed January 2006
26/1/06 - 860 (22%), VL > 500,000
24/4/06 - 820 (24.6%), VL 158,000
13/7/06 - 840 (22%), VL 268,000
1/11/06 - 680 (21%), VL 93,100
29/1/07 - 1,020 (27.5%), VL 46,500
15/5/07 - 1,140 (22.8%), VL not done.
13/10/07 - 759 (23.2%), VL 170,000
6/11/07 - 630 (25%), VL 19,324
14/1/08 - 650 (21%), VL 16,192
15/4/08 - 590 (21%), VL 40, 832

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2007, 09:22:13 AM »
M,

I'm glad you got it off your chest and did what you had to do. If he wants to continue to be in denial then that's his business and if he wants to continue to infect people, then karma will catch up to him eventually..What I want to know about is those 2 pair of boots.... ;D
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,394
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Advice Needed - Should I have This Discussion?
« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2007, 09:57:11 AM »
Hey BK,

You did the right thing. I'm with Andy on this. If you hadn't, it would have been a burr under your saddle from here on in.

Now, you have removed that burr and can carry on with your life and taking care of you. Going out sounds like a grand idea.

Also, what kind of boots? Leatther? Motorcycle? Police uniform?

HUGS,

Mark

(Who thinks he needs to get out more.)
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

 


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