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A bonding experience

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I have always loved the sound of that name, "Dracula" only three syllables and it just rolls off the tongue. Dra cu la...  So anyway, we have fiction and lore and analogies drawn on a bloodborne pathogen.

On my first clinic appointment, Doctor asked if I knew where I got my HIV, I said of course, I got mine the old fashioned way, I earned it! (with apologies to Smith Barney).  Actually the person who gave it to me was aware of what he was doing and of his status and mine.  We started having sex while I was sleeping and since we had been having sex for a few weeks or months (with protection), I was not aware there was no condom on that thing.  He had a personal grudge against one of my friends and was getting even.

This was 12 years ago and at this time it is kind of a moo point.  What is a moo point?  Ever so glad you asked... a moo point is something so absurd, even the cows don't talk about it.  Back to my story...

The person who was getting even with my friend and passing HIV on to me, is dead as is my friend he was settling the score with.  Having been to both funerals, I dressed completely in black, and drove a black convertible.  At the end of both services, I blew a kiss to a friend, put the top down and drove away alone.  I left roses on both of their graves.

Back to the vampires, there are two kinds of vampires, the Dracula of fiction and lore and then there is the emotional vampires.  What about me?  Ever so Glad you asked... I am in year 12 of HIV treatment and this Saturday is my 10th anniversary of my AIDS diagnosis and I have a date with an HIV- man who has been in healthcare specializing in HIV since the early days of the epidemic.  We are dropping my canoe in the river, packing a lunch and a chilled bottle of Napa Valley Chardonnay.  Life goes on, tomorrow is Litha.

Joe K:
Bonding experience?  Surely you are kidding.  What a load of crap.  I don't know who gave it to me, but you can bet I wouldn't consider it any kind of bonding.  Sounds to me like someone (maybe the writer) is trying to justify or romanticize contracting HIV.

Let them live a month in this body and then tell me how "bonded" they feel to their "benefactor".

I think that its bullshit.

I also think that HIV did not "make me a better person." I am who I am because of the passage of time and experience. I know plenty of total assholes who happen to carry HIV. Hell, I dated half a dozen of them last year.

Thing is, we are the product of our experiences, of which HIV is one. Am I a better person because my Dad died in my arms? No, but I'm still a little fucked up over it. Am I a better person because I had a car accident two years ago? No, but my car is still damaged because I cannot afford to repair it.

I refuse to give HIV more power than it has. It has not made me a better person. It has not bonded me to a community, or a person, or a mindset. HIV is a pathogen in my bloodstream that has caused my life to change, absolutely. But it is NOT alive, and is NOT a living metaphor. It's a virus.

Seriously, this crap disgusts me no end.

I don't think a virus is romantic, sorry...

Everyone has a different story even though there are some similarities.  Nevertheless I cannot understand how willingly passing a disease could increase bonding or love.   

I do not know precisely who passed the virus to me. But anyway, it is useless to think to much about the past and it drives you crazy. 

The idea of some sort of initiation into love is bizarre and ridiculous and sheer madness.  For me this reasoning reminds me of certain practices of medieval witchcraft or vodoo. (No offence to neo-pagans!)  I had read something about it in history books.  The idea is that I create a bond with another one by subjecting him to some sort of pain and therefore make him dependent on me.

I have noticed this kind of reasoning circulating around.  I think this is a sad development and does a lot of damage.


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