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Author Topic: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...  (Read 2842 times)

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Offline terpie82

  • Member
  • Posts: 97
Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« on: June 19, 2006, 09:13:26 PM »
Dear forum family,
Just recently, a great group of friends connected me with this great guy for a casual get together at the Capital Pride event, and since then, we've all been hanging out quite often and I've noticed that my interest in him has grown exponentially and I can sense that he feels the same for me. I've learned from past potential relationships and how I was burned by the "neggies" when I revealed my status to just avoid them altogether. I normally would brush it off and move on and continue to look for other pozzies like me, but the cute exchanges of flirts, loving words, hugs, and cuddling has prevented my usual reaction of rejecting him to avoid being hurt, along with the fluttering butterflies in my tummy and the feeling like I'm a head-over-heels school girl. My questions are:
1) When and how should I tell him? During a casual discussion over dinner or right before things get hot and heavy?
2) Is it possible that if he can't continue any further that we can remain long lasting friends?
3) What problems should I/we anticipate (not only sex related issues)?
I've been having this debate whether I'd rather have him as a great lifetime friend and not tell him OR risk everything for what may/may not be, and because of this, I've been taking things extremely slow to think things over, but I sense that he's starting to think that I'm disinterested which I wanted to avoid in the first place. Luckily, Zephyr, OzPaul and his hubby were here to meet my friends and my admiree, and Zephyr being her great self told me that when I did tell him and if he rejected me, it was probably for the best and that he wasn't my friend in the first place. Any advice (especially from those of you who have been in a serodiscordant relationship) is greatly appreciated. SIGH, why is it that relationships are so much more complicated than grad school? hehe  :-*
Diagnosed in 2003
UD since 2004 and >35% (with one blip)

Offline DingoBoi

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,355
  • Bailey's Infected Cream™ Served since 2004
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2006, 09:31:51 PM »
1)  tell him when sex isn't even a subject.... nothing is more a buzzkill than this discussion.... somewhere where you have privacy and can really talk... don't do it right before sex as he may not have time to process the 'news'.


2)  why would you want him as a friend then?   sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are doing yourself no favors because you will be 'pining' away for him everytime you are together, even if you are 'just friends'.  don't do that to yourself.

3) you should anticipate issues of him having difficulty dealing with it... you should also expect issues of YOU dealing with the fact you are with a neggie... i may be oversimplifying... but my experience is that we both go through issues... it's not just about him accepting you.. it's about you accepting him too.

but you did lay  this out in a logical order.

Start with 1) and see how that goes.

then move on to 2 and 3


don't put the cart before the horse.

if he can deal with revelation 1, you can begin considering the others.



Offline Biggums

  • Member
  • Posts: 199
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2006, 09:44:55 PM »
Hey Terpie,

Good advice from our hero Dingo.

Coming at it from the neg end of this relationship, all I can tell ya is that this whole thing takes time to process on both ends.  Please do not feel the need to rush things.  Emotions are a complicated thing and relationships, like you said, are harder than grad school.  I have to admit I want to push things too hard sometime and forget he is scared as hell to infect me and sometimes he forgets that his fears put me off.  It takes all we both have to understand and love in spite of misunderstandings. 

If your man is the kind you hope he is, I really hope this works out for you.  Being in love is wonderful isn't it?   ;)   ;)   ;) 
44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

You can love completely without complete understanding.

Offline Sdgirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 247
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2006, 10:34:03 PM »
I totally agree with Dingo.  And, let's look at it as the glass is half full.  It sounds as if you and this man have a connection on a level that is deeper than physical right now. 
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves.."Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?"

Offline Teresa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,753
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2006, 10:44:43 PM »
Terpie,

You have gotten good advice from Dingo and Biggums. I am the neg in a relationship also. We have been married 4 years and its been hard for us so i can imagine how it might be just starting a relationship. He is so afraid of infecting me and to be honest its in the back of my mind also.  Right now we settle for kissing and cuddling which is very good also. We both know its gonna take time and patience. He has his fears and i have mine that we have to get thru together...and we will.

I hope this works out for you..i really do

Hugs
Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline OzPaul

  • Member
  • Posts: 410
  • a very blessed 29 year ltnp
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2006, 11:03:48 PM »
Dear Minh

The advice you've read so far sounds pretty solid. As you have met me and my hubby this past weekend, I think that you've seen we're a very loving couple. He is neg and I am poz. The things that bind us are of love of one another over time but also similar interests. As you and Zeph were with us on our great weekend, you saw us interact in several different social aspects. My partner and I share many different interests and also have our own. Above all we respect each other. Our moods, our needs, our whims, our fancies.
Over my life I've had several partners. Wade respects me, honors me and holds me special in a way none have before. I too love him for exactly for who he is.

As you navigate through this exciting and nervous time always remember how special you are and the many gifts you bring to those who love you. If for some reason it doesn't work out this time, have faith that in time it will. The man of your dreams will find you and you will find him. Until that day please keep on being the kind, loving, sensitive man you are. I am so  much richer for knowing you.

Paul

Offline terpie82

  • Member
  • Posts: 97
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2006, 11:46:53 PM »
Thanks everyone -particularly DB- for the fabulous advice and I agree Biggums...being in love is a wonderful thing -I didn't even realize it until you mentioned it. I really hope it works out too Teresa and it's so nice to recieve advice from someone who's neg. Thanks Paul for sharing, you have no idea what it means for me. To be honest, I was curious if Wade was neg and wanted to talk to you about what it's like, but I didn't want to appear intrusive. I'll keep everyone's advice and wishes in my mind during my next rendezvous :-*
Diagnosed in 2003
UD since 2004 and >35% (with one blip)

Offline terpie82

  • Member
  • Posts: 97
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2006, 05:39:26 PM »
OK, so it may sound out of the blue but you may be asking why I'm "revisiting" this topic. It's actually not a revisit, but an update. So this guy that I'm interested in got the news yesterday that he is positive  :( (and before you start thinking it's from me, it's not...we haven't even gotten to first base!). When he revealed to me, i told him "well you know what? I'm positive too" and he was so surprised and didn't want to believe me at first. Is this destiny fulfilled? Were we destined to be together? Honestly, I am angry for him, upset like he is and wish I could just tell him that everything will be alright and that I would help him every step of the way to get through this; yet I feel somewhat relieved after hearing this news because perhaps this will give us a better chance? Yes, I'm selfish and an awful person for feeling that. We caressed and cried a little before our other friends came downstairs (2 of which knew because he revealed his status to them first). To add on a complication, a friend of his who's staying with him temporarily before getting his own place is really attracted to him but the feeling is not mutual...his heart is set on me??? :) This friend of his has become a severe handicap for him because he feels obligated to be his one and only friend since the guy is new in town, being his chauffeur, his confidant, his everything but right now, he needs to be with me and his other friends who don't want to use him and help him through this. I just hope that we'll get to have a chance to talk ALONE before he does something rash like go on a shopping spree or lord knows, maybe something reckless  :-\
Diagnosed in 2003
UD since 2004 and >35% (with one blip)

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,653
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2006, 06:48:58 PM »
Hey Minh,

If you had wished for him to be positive, well that would have been wrong.  For you to be relieved that maybe HIV won't be so much of an issue, is perfectly normal.  We all know that relationships, even without HIV are crazy, so why add any more variables.  I was actually dating a neg guy, when I got my news and when I told him, the first thing he said was "I don't think either of us needs to be alone tonight."

My point is that you just need to take time with him, to support him and maybe start some dialog.  You really like this guy, so what are you waiting for?  Forget the new friend for a moment, because if this guys is really into you, it's you he will want to spend time with, so make some plans, lots of plans.

A truth in life is that often when loves comes around, you better grab hold and hold on for dear life.  Don't miss your chance at the brass ring.

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2006, 06:53:34 PM »
My crystal ball says Mr. Right will call you on the phone within the next 2 hours
 :D   ;)   8)

There's chemistry, and you have a wealth of HIV knowledge to help him through trying times that he'll certainly face

That other dude (the new guy in town) - He's overmatched!

Wish I could wager money on this, it's so clear to me
« Last Edit: June 24, 2006, 07:07:58 PM by allopathicholistic »

Offline Teresa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,753
Re: Advice for potential serodiscordant couple...
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2006, 07:08:05 PM »
I dont think you are awful or selfish!

Best of luck and I hope this works out for ya...if the guy has any smarts he will snatch you right up!

Hugs
Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

 


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