If that is an accurate transcription of this communication -- you will notice that neither of you said anything straightforward about your HIV statuses... You didn't get the info you wanted and also you didnt ask for the info you wanted and finally you didn't tell him you are HIV+ with a destroyed immune system.
Your message to us about how you feel about him is much more straightforward!
For the near future, you won't find any good energy in conversing with your ex because its just a mess, so I suggest you back off at this point. You will have to own your choices - the drugs, the years of unprotected sex, the "dirty syringes" -- you did that. You will have to assimilate being HIV+ and eventually when you do you will also find a new partner and build a relationship and future that you want - accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative - as they say, some irony intended...
I know I shouldn't be talking to him, he makes me a very bad person inside.
I own my choices, I blame no one but myself, I knew about HIV and it's causes and how to prevent it from a young age. I lost an uncle at the beginning of the epidemic, and my aunt was an activist, and when my family found out I was having sex they sat down with me and talked to me about diseases and stuff and my dad bought me a box of condoms. I chose not to listen and while I regret that, regret doesn't retrieve T cells. I've made so many positive changes (not a pun) in my life and I am just going to continue doing the right thing for myself.
And as for that conversation, I got the info that I needed and so did he, my ex is a lot of things and stupid is one if them but he knows my thought process and way of speaking and from that conversation he knows I have *it* and I know he does too because he started the conversation off with "do you have aids?". He won't admit it to me because he is an ass like that and always has been, but he didn't deny it. The whole exchange was unhealthy and I know that I needn't focus on the past because the fact is that I have this thing to deal for the rest of my life.
I haven't cried at all until just now though when you said "you are HIV+ with a destroyed immune system". It's not as if I don't own my choices, I do and that's why I'm clean and have made so many changes for myself, because I want better than what I had. It seems that was all in vain now because I'm dying...
I don't think I am going to take the HAART route, I did this to myself and actions have consequences, I'm not suicidal...but I don't feel comfortable committing to HAART right now because I am afraid that I will relapse and my mind will say something like this:
"if I could take this pill and still be clean, why can't I take this pill...I am in pain and OxyContin is a medicine for pain and I am nervous so why don't I throw in a few Valium too"
I don't know if you're an addict but I am and that's how an addicts brain works. I have a sponsor in NA who I spoke too and he told me that addiction isn't about the drug, it's about instant gratification to "fix" something instead of just letting nature take it's course, he suggested that if I allow myself to take a pill for relieve of my immunodeficient symptoms, what's the difference for me to then take some heroin to cure my "opiate dependence" symptoms. In essence, he said that HAART would be the start down a slippery slope that ends with a needle in my arm and me overdosing and dying anyway. Just more drawn out and expensive.
My sponsor is a smart guy and he basically told me that me taking those meds would open Pandora's box to relapse and he said that even if I live longer from those pills, is the life of a junkie a life worth preserving.
He told me that it's my choice in the end, but he would consider it a relapse and he wouldn't sponsor me anymore if I got on HAART and I wouldn't be able to keep my clean time and say "I have 9 months clean." I would have to go back to 0 and everyday I took the pills I would be considered using and that would crush my soul and might make me suicidal because that is my proudest achievement, my sobriety. I know it sounds harsh but that kind of discipline is the only thing that kept me off heroin.
I try to listen to him because he hasn't steered me wrong before, but I am curious to hear other addicts' on HAART justification for this...I know that there has to be some addicts on this site due to the unfortunate prevalence of this disease amongst drug users.
Thank you so much.