The difficult part for my son is that he's an upper middle class white hetero teen.... I think he feels like there aren't any others like him in the same boat.
Sorry, but it really sounds to me like this is more your difficulty than his. Also, for just a moment, think how that sounds to us. You infer that we cannot be those things. Comes off insensitive, intended or not.
So I am trying to find him a counselor. He is somewhat resistant. But I know that he won't talk to me about it (oh, how much I wish that he has told me when it happened!)
If and when he feels he needs counseling, he needs to be the one to seek that out, not you. What difference would it have made if he told you at the time? Lauren, I have sons his age, and I'm speaking to you as a father. Let him be his own man now.
I can tell you from personal experience. Looking back on my own diagnosis, my single biggest regret was disclosing to family. They lost their composure, they got way out in front of me making decisions for me that I did not agree with. Maybe I am projecting my own experience into what I am reading in your posts, but I don't think so.
I truly believe you need to relax and slow down.