Im poz and his family is pushing me away....

[traviswc]

Hello,

I would like to start by saying this is my first post and thank you for having me. I have spent countless hours looking up information in regards to hiv but have always found confort in this site for whatever reason. For this i wanted to say thank you!

Now my question may seem long and drawn out for the real root question... But just to give some history; i was diagnosed hiv+ when i was 16 years old.
Since then i have dated on and off and it never worked out. I am now 25 years old. My viral load is undetectable, i work out 6 days a week, and I have remained in overall great health.

My best friend and i have known each other for 15 years and is also gay. Recently we have started taking that friendship to a new level and exploring the possibility of a relationship. Since this has happened he has brought it up to his parents about our feelings for one another. This is where the problem lies. His parents have known of my status since shortly after my diagnosis... Now that we are exploring the option of more his parents are basically separating us... obviously we are with adults.... His family means a lot to him and have always been there for him! They have never told him who to date or what to do so we didn't think this would be a huge issue. Obviously, we were wrong. His mom calls him crying on a daily basis saying that she is terrified for him and saying that she doesn't want him to become sick. I can't say that i am 'in love' with him but i obviously have a huge Love for him because of our friendship. He has tried to educate her and explain to her what the risks are as well as how we can be safe about it but she shuts down and refuses to listen. I don't know how to proceed.

Obviously im not looking for the cure all answer; i would like to know if you guys have had a similar situation with your partners family and how it was handled.

[mecch]

How hideously horrible!
My take is that this is EXTREMELY manipulative behavior, on top of extreme ignorance, on the part of the mother. It feels to me that its belligerent to you, beyond disrespect.

Her own son, and her son's best friend, who she has knows for years, proves the reality and she INSISTS on her lies and fears and ignorance.  Poor woman.

Personally I think you or your friend should read her the riot act about the reality here, and tell her you are adults and she must make the effort to educate herself and overcome her fears, or suffer the consequences.  What the consequences of her continued freak out are, you and your friend can decide.....

[Buckmark]

Travis,

First, I am excited that you and your friend are exploring the possibility of a relationship.  Serodiscordant relationships can have their difficulties, but are certainly possible.  I was in such a relationship for 5 years, but never had the kind of problems with his parents that you are experiencing with regarding to me being poz and my partner being neg.  That's because he rarely spoke to his parents because they just couldn't accept that he was gay (love those Southern Baptists).

Regarding your friend's mother, I can understand how any mother would want to be protective of their child (some of the moms here could probably articulate that better).  But her reaction is a powerful reminder  of how much fear there still is in our society over people with HIV / AIDS.  Obviously she was fine with you being two being friends, but it appears to stop at the point where you become involved in deeper relationship with her son.

Your friend sounds like he is doing the right things by trying to educate her.  She may just need some time to calm down and try to understand it.  At some point, though, your friend is going to have to realize that this is her issue, not his, and let go.  If she doesn't come around, hopefully she can agree that they disagree, but even if she doesn't, it's still her issue to deal with -- let her deal with it, and don't let her drag you down into it.

A lot can depend on how you and he react to his mother's concerns.  You don't need to fearful or apologetic.  You do not need to withdraw from or avoid his mother, or even each other.  You are adults making an informed choice.  If your respond to her in a appropriate, confident and calm manner, that will send a message to everyone around you.

Hang in there, and let us know how things go.

Regards,

Henry

[newt]

Sooner or later he has to leave his mum and be his own man, maybe that time is now, maybe not, it's not you ball to play. But sooner or later eh?  If it wasn't HIV it would be something else perhaps.

Hope it's now/sooner.

Like Buck's post.

- matt

[weasel]

       Hi Travis ,

                  Sorry to hear your could be Mother in law is out of touch .

      I have been with my   BOB   for over 32 years !

     For the most part  his family kind of HATES ME !

       They have been real  ass holes over the years !

       At first they pretended I would just DIE and be gone .

        That plan did not work , So they became EVIL   beyond anything I was

        familiar with !   

          I love my husband and it really was taking a toll on our happiness !

        It was only a couple years ago BOB finally told his sisters to get " F'd " .

      Was almost  a year before they came to see the light !

     I AM NOT GOING AWAY !   EVER !   

     Two of them pussy foot to our home sometimes .  It is better , BUT it took

     over THIRTY YEARS !     

     Bob is worth it 

     I hope you can find peace sooner than I did .

                                  best of luck ,  Weasel
P.S.  You say you are not in LOVE ?
       Only time will confirm that ! 
       My husband is my life !
      We do not have a whorey LOVE .
       But we have a love that has stood the time ..........


 P.S.S.   I still have NOT given my husband HIV .