broken inside..

[aferstilo]

I know i prolly dont come on here as much as i should and participate as much as i should..  But i guess ive kept my self locked up..

i feel broken from the core of my soul out. i dont think im a bad person i feel that i am compassionate, honest, real, i'll never build no one up just to tear them down but yetwhy do i get teared down each and every time?...

Do i try to stay positive? the hell i do.. i try to find the positive side of everything.. even when them to be like that.. 
people try to do me harm im not mad i just think why are they like that what did life do to
I understand life is full of tests but how many test must one pass until things get a little better.. i dont believe i ask for much i just want minimal.. my minimal  is stability .. without this minimal i cant stay sane im braking and falling apart..

there isnt that many happy moments i can recall in my life but yet i feel that me saying that is being ungrateful as i know many people prolly have lived through much worst.
So my first memories where of getting molested being a child.. not much of a great start but hey shit happens.. my next memories became being physically and still sexually abused by my mothers brother.. at 7 thankfully my folks decided to moved to america from chile i felt that the nightmare was gone..
damn i was wrong i came to a country where i didnt know the language where i struggled to learn it.. where i was made fun of constantly from not knowing how to speak it but hey it was just kids i tell my self..  for the next few years it was all a blur i started getting molested by our neighbor shit the nightmare was back i didnt even try to fight it or anything shit what for didnt work last time when i spoke and got beating so bad..

at the age of 15 i tryed killing my self and it didtn work i ended up at a mental hospital for 3 months where i actually felt safe for once..once i got out of there i decided to tell my folks that im gay shit what a inmature stupid idea that was i should of known better one knows their parents and what their reactions will prolly be.. next 3 years pure hell..

so my parents never got my legal status together in this country at that point it didnt really worry me considerin i wasnt out in the real world yet. shit it caught up to me now im 21 and in a country where im considered illegal. where laws just keep getting taugher each day in a country in which im gay so even if i meet the right guy there isnt much i can do since we cant marry, i cant work i cant do nothing i feel like a parasite...

at 17 i met who i thought was the great dude ever, he was tall very handsome and had somewhat my same view in things.. i thought he loved me and i sure loved him with all my heart.. 2 years went by i find out he had been cheating not just that but unprotected with an amount of dudes he said he could not recall but alot.. now im pos...  i'll say it wasnt the hardest thing to swallow i think i was too stuck on " he was fucking around unprotected???"

i guess i was stupid enough to forgive him.. i thought hell shit we are all humans and we make mistakes.. i do love him with all my heart.. and who am i to judge i'll get over it.. i stayed faithful loyal to him.. months go by and Doctor calls my phone asking for him instead of saying hold on i said "yes??".. and next words out her mouth where you've come posotive for syfilis on your latest blood tests.. my world just sank deeper.. he was cheating ?? n he wasnt using protection with people still WTF?!!! he swored it was on a drunken night n didnt remember i believed.. i sticked around

again another bad decision i made.. he became violent.. it all started with a small physical encounter.. i was made to believe it was my fault for being "stupid" it got worst and worst and worst as i broke more and more inside, until i saw him with his hands around my neck and i realized that was enough next step was either him or me dead, i was told if you call the cops i'll call inmigration on your illegal ass.. so i went back to my folks n cryed cryed for days until i became numb..
 
now 3 weeks have gone by since i came back here to my folks.. and to my surprise so far my folks have being of great support and so has my sister and her husband.. but i feel broken i feel sad.. i feel that if i try to weight all my unhappy moments in one hand and all the happy ones in another .. the unhappy moments take first prize by too much.. i know im only 21 and i have a whole life ahead of me but this is 1/4 of my life lived and is been hell.. i dont want the rest to be like this.. im tired, tired of fighting for happiness that never comes. I dont ask for much just minimum, i dont want to be in limbo anymore i dont want to feel like my dreams are just that dreams like im not going no where. i dont want to remember my life like this.. im tired of tears of the pain that wont seem to go away... i feel broken

[TabooPrincess]

Sometimes I think that we're all destined to have a certain amount of shit in our lives....and for some people it's spread out and for others it comes all at once.  Perhaps you've had all of your shit qouta now and there won't be anymore.

Is it only 3 weeks since you broke up with your SO?  Break-ups are hard whatever the circumstances so give yourself some time to heal.  And it sounds like your greatest fear at the moment is your immigration status so why don't you tackle that first and see what your options are (you may have imagined the worst case scenario and it might not be so bad when you check it out).

I genuinely believe that if work on the practical stuff then the mental health stuff tends to right itself...if not then you can seek counselling for your past abuse but you'll have security too and you can be free to 'let the lid off your emotions.'

Keep smiling....TP

[BT65]

Hey Aferstilo,

I would encourage you to ask your physician where the nearest ASO (Aids Service Organization) is, and get ahold of them for support.  They may even have access to a lawyer or two who could help out with your immigration status.  And you really need some counseling.  Your doctor or the ASO could point you to one who's worked with HIV+ people.  You need to work on getting all the old shit out, deal with it, so you can move on. 

The most important thing is that you're safe right now.  You're away from the abusive asshole, and your family is being supportive.  That's terrific. Of course it doesn't clear up everything from the past.  Only a professional therapist will be able to help you do this.  Please get help.  You're worth so much more than walking around feeling like shit.  Good luck.
  Luv,
Betty

[Jeff G]

Hey After . Its encouraging to hear you are in a safe place now with family .
I once came home to family feeling a Little broken myself . Being there was a good place to find my place in the world again and begin the process of healing .

It sounds like you have had some tough things to deal with . Please think about taking Betty's advice and seek the help and support you need . I wish you well and please let us know how you are progressing .

[Andy Velez]

As others have suggested to you, this is not something for you to try to get through alone. It's great that you have family support, but there is more help you can get. Others have been through the kinds of experiences you have had.

Contact your local AIDS service organization and tell them about your situation. They may well have both individual and group counseling available and/or can direct you to where you can get that kind of help. You need help with healing as well as learning how to avoid being in that kind of situation again in the future.

You're also welcome to talk here about anything that's on your mind. Right now this experience maybe huge in your life. But there is much more to you than what has happened and much more that you can have in your life as you recover from this.

Cheers.

[Inchlingblue]

You must take things one step at a time or it becomes overwhelming. On the bright side, you seem to have access to meds and your numbers are great.

Are your parents and other family members legal residents? You say that they did not file your paperwork when you were a minor but it's not clear if they did it for themselves. It's time you looked for an immigration lawyer that offers pro bono services, if you live in or near a big city this should be possible. If your parents or other family members are already residents, maybe they can help with this.

I know it's hard but if you start little by little to move forward in a productive way, things will definitely get better. It does not happen overnight, it can be a slow process and you will see small "signs" to indicate things are getting better.

As painful as the breakup is, it is definitely for the best based on what you describe. My situation is overall very different from yours but we are similar in that I also very likely got HIV from a partner that was having unsafe sex outside the relationship. I'm slowly coming to terms with accepting my responsibility but I still have lingering anger and resentment, it does not go away overnight (you're probably more far along than I am in that regard).

I think you should concentrate on becoming a legal resident so try to find a good free lawyer and take it from there. One step at a time.

[aferstilo]

thanks so much for your replys. means alot to me. I called my local clinic and i'll start going to counselin. i think it will do me good as well.. as for the immigration subject i called a lawyer and all they said i could do is wait for obama to pass that reform.. other then that get married.. I just hope this rain that keeps pouring in my life goes away soon and a beautiful sun comes out..


No one said life would be easy but no one mention it would be this hard...

[Inchlingblue]

  as for the immigration subject i called a lawyer and all they said i could do is wait for obama to pass that reform.. other then that get married..

I thought the reform was already passed?

[aferstilo]

I thought the reform was already passed?

nah is not passed yet. the one that got passed is antimigratory reform in arizona which allows police to ask for documents if they look like they are illegal.

[Inchlingblue]

nah is not passed yet. the one that got passed is antimigratory reform in arizona which allows police to ask for documents if they look like they are illegal.

Ban lifted for green-card applicants with HIV

LINK:

http://articles.latimes.com/2009/nov/25/nation/la-na-immig-hiv25-2009nov25

[Phoenius10]

My question is, why are you illegal?  Did your parents sneak you across the border or something?  Are they even legal?  We need details to form the right opinion and have the right amount of compassion.

How are you able to get Atripla not being legal?  Does the state you live in give it away like candy even to illegals?  That wouldn't surprise me.  Don't expect any favors from Obama though.  For example, the new healthcare reform excludes illegals from the exchanges, and allegedly from Medicaid, but the same loopholes with Medicaid will probably still be used to get illegals funded under that, unfortunately.

Why not be proud of the country you really are a citizen of and go back there, see what programs they have for hiv, available jobs, etc.?  It would sure beat living underground here in fear of when the feds will knock down your door to take you back, stealing innocent peoples SSN's, and causing the real citizens of this country who actually do pay taxes to have to pay more.

It sounds like to me your parents put you in this mess.  Especially if they are citizens and you aren't, there is no one to blame but them.

[Jeff G]

My question is, why are you illegal?  Did your parents sneak you across the border or something?  Are they even legal?  We need details to form the right opinion and have the right amount of compassion.

How are you able to get Atripla not being legal?  Does the state you live in give it away like candy even to illegals?  That wouldn't surprise me.  Don't expect any favors from Obama though.  For example, the new healthcare reform excludes illegals from the exchanges, and allegedly from Medicaid, but the same loopholes with Medicaid will probably still be used to get illegals funded under that, unfortunately.

Why not be proud of the country you really are a citizen of and go back there, see what programs they have for hiv, available jobs, etc.?  It would sure beat living underground here in fear of when the feds will knock down your door to take you back, stealing innocent peoples SSN's, and causing the real citizens of this country who actually do pay taxes to have to pay more.

It sounds like to me your parents put you in this mess.  Especially if they are citizens and you aren't, there is no one to blame but them.

You either have compassion or you don't , there are no amounts of compassion to compare or dole out and from the sound of your comments here you have no compassion .

There is so much wrong with what you wrote here I cant begin to sort it out but I'm quite sure others will try .

[BT65]

Well, some individuals think they have a right to make a judgement of someone's life, without knowing the whole story.  Phoenius is such an individual.

Aferstilo, please don't let Phoenius' piety and rash tone drive you away.  Check out the link Inch put up, and work on what you can, day by day.

[Joe K]

I also had an abusive partner and what matters most is that you are safe. You really need to talk with someone, because you probably have a lot of questions on how he could have treated you so cruelly. A professional can help to guide you as you explore those issues that are important. Don't forget that it took real strength for you to leave him and as much as it hurts now, it won't hurt forever. I urge you to get the support you need, so you can start to build the life you deserve.


And Phoenius, surely you have antifreeze flowing through your veins and I cannot believe that we share the same species. What a horrible, hateful person you are, spewing your stereotypes about subjects that you know nothing about. Please do us all a favor and STFU!

[J.R.E.]

My question is, why are you illegal?  Did your parents sneak you across the border or something?  Are they even legal?  We need details to form the right opinion and have the right amount of compassion.

How are you able to get Atripla not being legal?  Does the state you live in give it away like candy even to illegals?  That wouldn't surprise me.  Don't expect any favors from Obama though.  For example, the new healthcare reform excludes illegals from the exchanges, and allegedly from Medicaid, but the same loopholes with Medicaid will probably still be used to get illegals funded under that, unfortunately.

Why not be proud of the country you really are a citizen of and go back there, see what programs they have for hiv, available jobs, etc.?  It would sure beat living underground here in fear of when the feds will knock down your door to take you back, stealing innocent peoples SSN's, and causing the real citizens of this country who actually do pay taxes to have to pay more.

It sounds like to me your parents put you in this mess.  Especially if they are citizens and you aren't, there is no one to blame but them.

I wanted to quote this guy, before he edits again..  You do realize, that this is a support forum.

If I was a moderator or the owner, the above post would be more than enough reason to ban you from this site.

Ray

[Tim Horn]

My question is, why are you illegal?  Did your parents sneak you across the border or something?  Are they even legal?  We need details to form the right opinion and have the right amount of compassion.

Phoenius:

Don't even think about commenting again in this thread -- I'm dead serious. Not only are you a racist and unbelievably xenophobic, you have shown me, and everyone else, that what you don't know about HIV infection is a lot and that you're apparently participating in these Forums only to ruffle some feathers.

Phoenius, I'm going to give you just one chance -- if you don't demonstrate that you've become a member of these forums either to give support or receive support, you're out of here. But don't even think about doing it in this thread. Either get with the program elsewhere, or disappear.

I'm also going to ask everyone else to move beyond this and focus on aferstilo's original message. If you've got something to say to Phoenius, please do it via PM -- and Phoenius, you're on your own.

Thanks everyone,

Tim

Edited to add: Phoenius, you're banned. I know you read my warning, yet you decided to post a message to this thread anyway. Take your arrogance and flamebaiting elsewhere.

[aferstilo]

My question is, why are you illegal?  Did your parents sneak you across the border or something?  Are they even legal?  We need details to form the right opinion and have the right amount of compassion.

How are you able to get Atripla not being legal?  Does the state you live in give it away like candy even to illegals?  That wouldn't surprise me.  Don't expect any favors from Obama though.  For example, the new healthcare reform excludes illegals from the exchanges, and allegedly from Medicaid, but the same loopholes with Medicaid will probably still be used to get illegals funded under that, unfortunately.

Why not be proud of the country you really are a citizen of and go back there, see what programs they have for hiv, available jobs, etc.?  It would sure beat living underground here in fear of when the feds will knock down your door to take you back, stealing innocent peoples SSN's, and causing the real citizens of this country who actually do pay taxes to have to pay more.

It sounds like to me your parents put you in this mess.  Especially if they are citizens and you aren't, there is no one to blame but them.

Im not legal because my parents didnt do what they where suppose to when i was young fucked around and now i cant get my greencard until they fully citizens they are currently residents this process can take anywhere from 4-10 years to get my greencard after they become us citizens.
I do feel proud of where i come from altho there is nto much i remember about it i came here at 7 i know the american way of life wasnt a choice for me. I did not cross the border  from mexico i flew in airplane with a visitors visa all the way from Chile. i just happened to have stayed over the limit time of the visa.
I get all my meds  payed by ADAP thankfully Delaware is a state where everyone is a human and deveserves the right to live. its sad that people like you think that way. i also dont feel like i drain the system i worked for many years and payed taxes even tho i was workin under the table and had the option not to pay anything.
I dont use any type of stolen documation from anyone i have my own documents since i was here from when i was 7 and they used to issue ID's and SSNs to everyone still.

[Joe K]

Hey Aferstilo,

Ignore that hateful post, so we can concentrate on helping you.

[Inchlingblue]

nah is not passed yet. the one that got passed is antimigratory reform in arizona which allows police to ask for documents if they look like they are illegal.

I just realized that you probably mean the proposed amnesty legislation. I guess it's worth waiting to see if that passes but you should know that there are probably other options for obtaining a green card and it would not hurt to seek out a second opinion from an immigration lawyer.

One good thing about the amnesty if it passes is that there will probably be provisions for people who are under 30 and were brought here as minors, such as yourself.

Amnesty looks precarious for 2010, but you never know.

Comprehensive Immigration Reform Amnesty Dead For 2010!

Lindsey Graham Retreats On Immigration Amnesty Effort Following Tea Party Pressure

LINKS:

http://www.mmdnewswire.com/immigration-reform-amnesty-8171.html

http://www.mmdnewswire.com/immigration-amnesty-8148.html

[Andy Velez]

Afterstilo, let's just concentrate on seeing what might be most helpful to you. You have nothing to apologize or explain to us about your situation. Phoneius' remarks were uglyate and as I think you can see from other responses you have received do not in any way represent the spirit of this site and its members.

We're glad to have you here. We want you to continue to express yourself as often as you want to.

Cheers.

[aferstilo]

I want to thank you guys so much for being understanding and accepting. gives me alot of hope to know there is people who actually care about others.

Today i went to get my Atripla refilled my adap had expired but thankfully my social worker was able to renew it. after i left clinic. i had an encounter with my ex. which didnt go well but better then i thought it could i think i handled it in a very mature way and i was able to put my feelings aside and think about myself in the long run the in what my heart wants. he asked me to work things out between us. but i told him that this is not possible that i have too much resentment, that he can not fufill me as a person. and that things getting abusive was the last drop i could take. I told him that i dont put all the blame on him as in a relatinoship is of two and both take the blame. but me trying again ina  relationship that has not worked in over 4 years would just be me being stupid and it would give him the go to do what ever he pleases since i always forgive forgive forgive. My heart felt like it again broke into million pieces telling him that we'll never be back together but i know is the right choice so it makes me feel better about myself.

With all the things going on in my life i know i need to stay positive (literally) to stay sane. I have an appointment for next thursday with a counselor at the clinic i go to so hopefully that will make me feel better. once i am able to recover a bit better id like to start doing community work to help the community and feel a bit more useful but for now gonna work on myself.

again i want to thank you guys for being there for me in this time of need. your support gives me that extra push i need to make it.

Rico

[Inchlingblue]

You are on the right track; I think you handled it very well with your ex.

How often are you getting your blood tested? Since you are still not undetectable it should probably be every 3-4 months. Maybe you are already UD since the last time was in February?

[Still_Here4Now]

Hi!
Just to let you know I am with all the other replies! Once you start caring for your health(mind body and soul) the rest will fall into place. And YES life is hell! As well it will be harder for you because of your immigration status as well as your HIV. I have been poz for 20 plus yrs and well I still go Thur trials and tribulations with meds and getting the right Doctor and who is going to pay what I can no. As well I have been molested and the guys are correct. I could not have done it with out help. I was molested by my stepfather as well as my brother. Then again from a stranger who raped me in the woods. I  also got booted out of my family when I was 19 and have not talked to them in 20 plus yrs as well. I always use to think of it as my fault. and I kept up very destructive behavior. I did more illegal drugs and drinking then most folks could handle in two life times. I was still doing this behavior while I was going Thur chemo and radiation for my colon cancer. I finally got it. I finally got that all that happen to me when I was a kid was not my fault. As well I got it that it was not my fault that my family wanted and still wants nothing to do with me. My grand mother died last yr and I was never even told.
I realized that it is their inhabitions and  their own short comings not mind
Good Luck and yes anything you need to talk about you can talk here. We are all trying to cross this sea of life just in different boats at different places

[BT65]

Great the way you  handled that, Rico.  You saved yourself from more heartache.  Keep going!

[Pozinmaine]

Dear Aferstilo,

Reading your posts brings to mind what a strong person you must be!  You have had many difficulties and seem to have risen above it.  One step at a time, I know you will succeed.  Everyone needs some help sometime in their life, and it sounds like you have found a counselor to help you sort it out.  Don't forget to BREATHE!  ~  We are rooting for you

[HARLEY_B]

 Rico,
 You are an inspiring man. Thank you for posting your story on here. It attests to the strength of your character to overcome much diversity and still have a good heart inside you. Please do not let your past change your future. Instead, let it make you stronger as it already seems to be doing. Good luck to you and we'll all be thinking of you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing when you can.

                                                    Tim