Im new the site..Looking for friends nearby ....or not

[wishful]

Hello all, I am a 30 yr old blk female in the NJ area. I have 3 children 14, 5, and 3. I work ft and have been + since 2003. I am looking for friends like me.

A lil a bout me: I found out my status when i was preggers with my baby. I was with her father for a few years but at the time she was concieved we were "breaking up", meaning i kicked him out bcus he cheated (for the 3rd time) but he was still coming to "see" me. When i was 4months in i tested and was pos. I was devastated. I told him and he apologized. I 'll never know if he knew or not b4 infecting me. (as i was tested with our 1st child and was neg) and i never ever cheated on him. I for some reason stil want to be with him but he doesnt want to. He is living over 1000 mi away from us right now (he is here i was when i found out and i moved back home). We have tried to reconcile a few times but to no avail. I still cry at night and wish he was here with me going through this together but he is still in denial and not in any treatment. He claims he was tested but i doubt it. I just want my family back and for my children to have theiir dad around as long as they can. He know i will make him get treatment if we do get back together but he is scared. He is very healthy however. I dont know sometimes i feel so stupid for loving him but it just seems so  much easier if we could just make it work and theni dont have to worry about meeting someone else and they not be accepting of me.  I have never loved anyone as deeply as i love him and it really kills me that he doesnt feel the same.

But on a brighter note, i have been UD for 4 years and CD4 are over 1000. SOmetimes i think maybe God did actually take it away from from me as i had asked... who knows but im not stopping the meds for nothing..My kids are all healthy thank God.  I have a few close friends but noone who can really relate to me as far disclosing, fears, etc. etc. So hopefulyl i will meet some peeps here to talk to. I know i sound like a basket case but im not..ima fun and sexy saggittarian who loves to socialize and have fun..

[Queen Tokelove]

Welcome to the Forums...There is a great group of people here and loads of information. It seems to me that you are already proactive when it comes to your health which is good. Sorry to hear about your man. That is a tough thing to deal with and some people do not handle the news of becoming poz very well. It sounds like he is in denial and I understand you wanting to be there for him. Continue to be there for him when he is ready to accept his diagnosis but I think as far as the relationship goes, it doesn't sound like he wants any part of it. I know that hurts you deeply but I think you have to accept it and try to move on. Since you are still friends with him or civil then it shouldn't be a problem with him being a father to your kids. I am assuming that he is a father to them now. I know it may not be the way you would like it but you have to accept that is the way he wants it.

I know being single and poz is not an easy thing, check out our dating thread here. You are not alone on how you are feeling. I have just started dating someone just recently after being single for 2 years. It can happen when you least expect it but that's really another story. Instead, why don't you focus on YOU. Make some goals for yourself or plans to do some thing, not sure what but just a suggestion. I know I can go on and on but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and to feel welcomed. Big Hugs...

[wishful]

Thanks Queen...yeah i know, i just haven been completely able to let go of the fact that maybe we will be together.. I mean i talk to other guys, im not sitting around waiting on him but there are times when im just like why??..Even with me being able to forgive him for all he has done, that isnt enuff to show him , but then i snap outta of it , get up and keep going. It doesnt help tho that whenever we comes to town he stays u know where..But what can i say?. i love him...My best friend cant stand him or even to hear me talk abou twanting to be back with him..but she doesnt walk in my shoes...if its meant to be it will

Now him being a father is another story..he is in florida n im in jersey..he calls, sends a lil money but thats it.i just wished everything were better...

[BT65]

Hello Wishful, and welcome to the forums!  There is really a great group of people here, as I'm sure you've already noticed. 

I'm sorry you're having to raise your children alone.  It's so hard to get over a man.  I had to get over my daughter's father quite a few times.  It was always hard.  But, I do believe that time heals wounds.  If I were you, I wouldn't contact him unless it was something about his child.  Of course you can do what you want, but it seems to me that the more talking you do with him, the harder it is going to be for you to accept reality-he's not going to be in your life as a partner.  It's hard, but true. 

Just remember, we are here for you.  Hope to hear more.

[Imasurvivor]

Hi there Wishful, Haven't been here too long myself but welcome to the forums.  You'll defintely never lack for someone to talk to here.  Sorry about everything going on in your love life right now and you defintely don't sound like a basket case (that would mean there are alot of basket cases around here, including me  )

Blessings
G

[wishful]

Thanks everyone, to Betty: We are friends and when he comes to get the kids for the summer we see each other, when he brings them back we see each other...Although he did a lot and i mean alot of things that hurt me, i get so frustrated with myself for not being able to control my emotions about him. My kids look just like him and are a constant reminder of the "family" ill never have. ANd every now and then we will talk about trying again, but he has so many stupulations that makes it impossible. He hasnt dealt with his status at all, no treatment, no nothing so he thinks that comin back here he will ahve to face his family and my family and eat all the lies he told. I am a very forgiving person i guess, i have long ago forgave him, but he is too afraid to be with me. Then i get angry bcus he is letting his pride get in the way of him being there for his children the way he should be. Its alot but i am still praying on it. Maybe we wil never be but i have asked God if that is the case please take those desires away from me. They are still here 7 years later.

[Blessed1974]

Wishful,

I just wanted to add my welcome!!!  Also, I wanted to say that unfortunately I know exactly what you're going thru with your childrens father.  Its seems so much easier to hold onto someone that you don't have to disclose to with the hopes that history and children will keep you two together even if you know deep down that its only existing with someone and not being alone instead of actually living a real life.  Even though it doesn't always seem like being alone is for the best things have a tendency of working themselves out.  Everything doesn't always happen when you want them to but they do always happen when they're supposed to 

[wishful]

Thanks Blessed! and congrats on ur baby coming...i love kids..sometimes i wish i didnt tie my tubes with my baby...

[BT65]

Wishful:

I understand your feelings about him, believe me.  One of the things I've had to realize and let sink in is that I cannot control what another human being does.  And with you, that includes you not being able to control what he does.  It sounds like even if this man were to get back together with you, it would be a gamble.  He has a lot of growing up to do.  He's still not accepting his HIV, and until he can accept himself, he can never be an available partner for you.  Do you get what I'm saying? 

[wishful]

Yeah Betty i get it completely..i def understand that...its just hard..but im handling it..im glad i found people to talk to..i was tired of talkin to myself..lol

[Paulette]

Hello
you came to the right place
the women are great here.
look forward to your post.
by the way  i'm here in the deep south Ga.
Paulette