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Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: klassykitty on August 27, 2011, 02:10:39 am

Title: In person or over the phone?
Post by: klassykitty on August 27, 2011, 02:10:39 am
I'm posting this here because it's something that has been rattling my brain for almost a week.

Last weekend I met this guy at a weekend bike party.  That sat. night he  invited me to another party over Labor day weekend. Yes I woke up in his tent sunday morning, no nothing happened, ( I figured nosy minds wanted to know).   I didn't tell him about AIDS  because I figured I wouldn't' be seeing or hearing from him.  There was a lot of alcohol and I just don't believe a guy when they say they will call or see you again when they are drunk.

Well guy called Monday and have talked to him every day this week :)  I did get another invite from him to  the party again and also one to Wildwood bike week ;D.

Problem is I won't be seeing him until we hook up next weekend when we go to the  party. So now it's obvious I have to tell him about AIDS but not sure if I should tell him in person or when we are talking on phone.   My mom thinks it would be best to wait and tell him in person, she said it's too personal for a phone conversation.

What do you guys think? 

For now he is just a new guy in my life but would not mind if he became boyfriend.

Michelle 8)


Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: mecch on August 27, 2011, 02:26:23 am
If you are having daily friendly phone conversations, I don't see the problem telling him on the phone in a friendly way.  Also, if by some bad luck he rejects you, would you prefer it to be over the phone, before the weekend, or during the weekend.  That would be my consideration.  Where do I want to deal with the reaction.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Ann on August 27, 2011, 08:52:47 am
Michelle, I would prefer to tell him in person. Face to face communication lets you both see each other's facial expression and body language, which I think are very important to a discussion such as this. You seem to be very comfortable about your status and this would be communicated to him in your body language. I find this to be very important (how I feel about my hiv) when disclosing.

If at all possible, try to get together with him before the party. Maybe you could get together for a coffee or some other short time frame situation. Good luck hun, it sounds like you've clicked with each other.

BTW, you posted this in the Mental Health forum, but you'll get more responses in the Living forum so I moved it for you.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: emeraldize on August 27, 2011, 08:58:03 am
Complete ditto with Ann. And, having done this a couple of times, it is quite interesting to see the compassion factor (or not) emerge. Because AIDS is such a super-charged acronym, I'd use HIV when explaining. Most people don't know the distinction and AIDS, to some-- perhaps a man who would go the distance with you---means ill, death is imminent, etc.

Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: GSOgymrat on August 27, 2011, 09:02:03 am
I don't really like telephone conversations anyway, so I would tell him in person. Non-verbal communication is often more telling than words. Also you can't give hugs through the phone.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: spacebarsux on August 28, 2011, 03:26:01 am
Face to Face > Phone > Text Message > Email/ Facebook.    Always.  :)

Good luck.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: BT65 on August 28, 2011, 04:45:16 am
Michelle, I agree with telling him in person.  Over the phone seems too impersonal.  At least I'd rather do it in person.  That way I can explain if a person would have questions, and I can see how they're feeling about it.  Good luck!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: hope_for_a_cure on August 28, 2011, 06:52:18 am
I vote for in person disclosure in this case too.  Best of luck with your new friend. 
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: zach on August 28, 2011, 08:07:28 am
in person, in private, on neutral ground, before the party/ride, say hiv+

just my vote, best of luck

Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Joe K on August 28, 2011, 05:49:02 pm
Michelle, I suggest telling him in person, especially if he is someone you think you could become serious about.  I think it really matters, the tone we set with those closest to us and sharing major news, whenever possible, must be done personally.  I was dating a great guy, when I found out I was poz.  I really liked him and I knew he was negative.  I was so afraid of being hurt, but I knew that if he was the guy for me, there would be nothing I could tell him that would change that fact.  I drove over to his house and told him the news.  His first words were "I don't think either of us should be alone tonight."  We had a wonderful four years together and part of the bond we created, came from the time I told him I was poz.

It would be important to me, to do this personally, because no matter what the eventual outcome, if I really feel something for someone, then I could never do any less.  Affairs of the heart are intimate and require closeness, both emotionally and physically.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Since2005 on August 28, 2011, 06:41:27 pm
In person!!! It's because I am good at reading one's expression  :), on the phone, I can't do that. Again, I could also see why would you even bring it up, for that, follow your intuition. Good luck sweetie!!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: numbersguy82 on August 28, 2011, 07:30:28 pm
hmmm firstoff you go!!!!!! Hope it works out for you :)

Secondly my two cents says do it over the phone. I don't know if a party where alcohol and little privacy is probably the norm is a place to have a serious convo like this. I am also chicken shit and never told a guy face to face about my status. I guess I always worried about rejection pre-hiv and now it's no different.

Good luck and keep us posted!!!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Rev. Moon on August 28, 2011, 07:37:28 pm

Secondly my two cents says do it over the phone. I don't know if a party where alcohol and little privacy is probably the norm is a place to have a serious convo like this. I am also chicken shit and never told a guy face to face about my status. I guess I always worried about rejection pre-hiv and now it's no different.


Gurl, hell to the naw.  This is the sort of thing that, when addressed, needs to be done in person.  Over the phone shows the same interest and bravery as doing it via text, email, or a post-it note

Michelle, you're a tough chick.  I say go for it in person.  At least you get to see and get a really good feel as to how he is taking the news.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: wolfter on August 28, 2011, 08:18:47 pm
Whatever you decide, sending you some poz energy your way.  Is there any chance you can go on a few more dates before you make this decision? 

Best of luck!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: buginme2 on August 29, 2011, 03:39:27 am
One things is for sure.  Regardless of the method in which you tell him,  I'm sure it will be classy(Klassy)

I wish you all the best! I will join wilfter in sending you some positive energy.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: spacebarsux on August 29, 2011, 03:44:34 am
 I'm sure it will be classy(Klassy)

Tell him "I am HIV". Sounds original and classy, not 'common' at all.  ;)

Good Luck!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: klassykitty on August 29, 2011, 02:49:12 pm
I'm  going to tell him person,  I think it's more personal also.  I'm not keen on texting and check my e-mail about once a month.  I'm on facebook more then email. 

@ Wolfter-- The main reason of not being able  to get together before the party is his work schedule.  We live about an hour apart, the party is half way between us.
@numbersguy--- More then likely I will meet him at his place and he will be told  before we leave.  If I have to meet him at the  party then I will tell him before Ketal One starts.  Either way my car will be with me just in case I go home.   It's a horse farm, lots of places to go for privacy.
 @Emeraldize-- I usually say HIV first anyhows until I know them.
My brother said maybe he has something and will say "by the way I have.. (pick something) " and then the door would be open for me.   Judging from new guys background that is a very good possibility.

There is something ironic here.  4 months ago I disclosed to a guy I wanted to date,  he is so paranoid about my AIDS that he decided we could never have a relationship but we have turned into good friends.   He is the one who invited me to  party #1.    He was a little upset( i think he's jealous) that new guy invited me to next party, but then said  if the "moron brain" turns you down you are more then welcome to camp out with me.

 If all goes well on saturday then new guy will have a name.   With any luck there will be no earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, volcanoes, mud slides, meteorites or any other stupid weather stuff.

I also have my list of web sites to give him if he asks questions and I don't know the answers.  Yes Poz is at top of list.

Michelle 8)
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: emeraldize on August 29, 2011, 04:19:20 pm
Have fun, Michelle! I have a fresh disclosure story for you.

There's a young man I met indirectly related to work, 25 years my junior and he's wanted to date, seriously date, for nearly two years. We have infrequent contact, periodic phone calls and I try to be a friend to him - - a sisterly, fruity friend.

We had coffee last Saturday and again, his argument every time I'd ever said we have tooooo many years between us was always -- " but age is just a number". I said " nope, it's not... I dated someone 25 years my senior and I learned a few things from that." He was adorably relentless.

I felt the show-stoppin', game-changin' card was likely going to be my status,  and I shared it with him. He was slack-jawed and sweet all at the same time. It was actually endearing and now, I think we're going to be friends.

Heck, everyone needs a young friend now and again, just as everyone needs an old(er) friend now and again.  I will continue to hold out for someone closer to my age.

Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Miss Philicia on August 29, 2011, 04:49:22 pm
Gurl, hell to the naw.  This is the sort of thing that, when addressed, needs to be done in person.  Over the phone shows the same interest and bravery as doing it via text, email, or a post-it note

Michelle, you're a tough chick.  I say go for it in person.  At least you get to see and get a really good feel as to how he is taking the news.

Silly cow -- you should slip him a note on lined composition notebook paper that says:

I HAVE AIDS. I LIKE YOU, DO YOU LIKE ME?

YES

NO

(CHECK YES)
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: numbersguy82 on August 29, 2011, 06:36:56 pm
Silly cow -- you should slip him a note on lined composition notebook paper that says:

I HAVE AIDS. I LIKE YOU, DO YOU LIKE ME?

YES

NO

(CHECK YES)


I actually tried this one out while at Subway last week... I scribbled it on the back of a napkin... I'm not gonna tell you to bust out your wash-N-wear bridesmaids dresses just yet, but I think its headed in that direction!

Michelle- I think telling him beforehand sounds perfect. I don't want him or you to feel held hostage by the situation be it good or bad. Good luck!!!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: numbersguy82 on August 29, 2011, 06:39:06 pm
Have fun, Michelle! I have a fresh disclosure story for you.

There's a young man I met indirectly related to work, 25 years my junior and he's wanted to date, seriously date, for nearly two years. We have infrequent contact, periodic phone calls and I try to be a friend to him - - a sisterly, fruity friend.

We had coffee last Saturday and again, his argument every time I'd ever said we have tooooo many years between us was always -- " but age is just a number". I said " nope, it's not... I dated someone 25 years my senior and I learned a few things from that." He was adorably relentless.

I felt the show-stoppin', game-changin' card was likely going to be my status,  and I shared it with him. He was slack-jawed and sweet all at the same time. It was actually endearing and now, I think we're going to be friends.

Heck, everyone needs a young friend now and again, just as everyone needs an old(er) friend now and again.  I will continue to hold out for someone closer to my age.



Very kewl Em! So there's no potential of more than friendship :(
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Theyer on August 29, 2011, 06:45:51 pm
Oh how exciting ----In person because you cannot kick him over the phone If the fool does not realize how lucky he is. DUH
Good luck
love
theyer
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: emeraldize on August 29, 2011, 10:02:33 pm
Silly cow -- you should slip him a note on lined composition notebook paper that says:

I HAVE AIDS. I LIKE YOU, DO YOU LIKE ME?

YES

NO

(CHECK YES)


This one I really like! I think I will do this at an elegant fundraiser or at a baseball game. Will report back.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: klassykitty on September 01, 2011, 07:42:09 pm
Silly cow -- you should slip him a note on lined composition notebook paper that says:

I HAVE AIDS. I LIKE YOU, DO YOU LIKE ME?

YES

NO

(CHECK YES)


Not sure if I did this right, but we shall see.

I like it.  With enough alcohol would do it to,  but then I will do the frozen tittie show with enough alcohol in me. ;D

 He has a sweet tooth so I'm bribing him with red velvet cupcakes with chocolate fudge frosting.   I also bought a new tiny little shirt.

We won't be able to meet until saturday so until then I am just chilling and not worrying (to much).

@emeraldize-- you can always be a teacher for awhile :D 

Michelle 8)

Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: klassykitty on September 01, 2011, 07:42:59 pm
Yes I figured out how to do the quote thingy.  I'm so proud of myself. :)
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: hope_for_a_cure on September 01, 2011, 07:47:38 pm
Yes I figured out how to do the quote thingy.  I'm so proud of myself. :)

FYI... I disclosed to a life long friend of mine today via FB instant message.  He is poz too as it turns out. 
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: emeraldize on September 01, 2011, 11:34:27 pm
@emeraldize-- you can always be a teacher for awhile :D 

Teach what to whom? Not sure I follow.

RE: your Facebook disclosure -- how odd that?

Em
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: hope_for_a_cure on September 02, 2011, 10:12:41 am
RE: your Facebook disclosure -- how odd that?

Em

Hi Em!  He had been following my Seattle related posts on FB and was asking me how it was, who I went with, and so I simply explained that I attended the AMG11 gathering with a group of wonderful folks.  He asked what AMG stands for so I clearly told him.  Who knows, we may actually see him on the site soon..... when he gets back from Southern Decadence in NOLA.  

Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: emeraldize on September 02, 2011, 11:53:54 am
Hope - that's a fine way to doubly connect with an old friend. Em
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: klassykitty on September 02, 2011, 10:26:50 pm
Em--  To lazy to type out whole name, sorry.  When I worked at peanut butter cup land I had some young kid ask me out,  he was 20 yrs. then me, while the offer was nice I said no.   I told a friend that I didn't want to have to teach some young kid.
Michelle
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: emeraldize on September 03, 2011, 12:01:00 am
Thanks KK -- now I get it. There's actually a business called Peanut Butter Cup Land? Like it.

So when's the delivery of the red velvet cupcakes, you temptress? We need the next installment!!!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: klassykitty on September 03, 2011, 08:57:52 am
@Emeraldize-- it's called Reese's, it's where Hersheys makes pnut butter cups and kit kats.  I also worked for a little while at Y&S that is where Twizzlers is made.   By the way they are excellent right off the line.  Both plants only hire through a temp service.  I tried to go back but the guy in charge of the temp hiring said when I was sick in November and in January I was faking so he won't hire me back.


Installment of cupcakes is today.  Next installment will probably be Monday, or today if all goes bad.  I have a hard time getting onto Poz on my phone,  I don't have a fancy cell phone just a plain normal cell phone.  I will try though for nosy minds.

Have a great weekend everyone.
Michelle 8)
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Andy Velez on September 03, 2011, 09:20:34 am
It's a more naked way to do it, but I am very much for in-person.

Good luck Michelle, and have a good weekend however it goes.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: klassykitty on September 03, 2011, 09:49:13 am
[img][http://s1097.photobucket.com/albums/g356/klassykitty_2000/Mobile%20Uploads//img]

Between cupcakes and me I got major brownie points. ;D

Of course if I posted the picture wrong none of this makes sense, so we will see if i did it right.

 8)

Stupid computers
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: emeraldize on September 03, 2011, 09:54:17 am
I will try though for nosy minds.

I can wait. I like delayed gratification. I like Twizzlers more, though. Have fun, KK.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: klassykitty on September 03, 2011, 09:55:24 am
I give up on trying to do picture things
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: emeraldize on September 03, 2011, 09:57:50 am
I've yet to successfully upload a pic.
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Basquo on September 03, 2011, 12:51:21 pm
You have to get the link exactly between the brackets, you almost had it!

(http://s1097.photobucket.com/albums/g356/klassykitty_2000/Mobile%20Uploads)

edited to say well crap I couldn't get it right either. I'm at the office and some things don't work right (me!)
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: wolfter on September 03, 2011, 01:01:32 pm
Hopefully you figure it out by the time you have the good photos.....Enjoy yourself. ;D
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: klassykitty on September 05, 2011, 11:53:18 am
So..................It went better then I expected.
 
I didn't tell him as soon as I wanted, yep it was that lack of privacy thing, but when I did tell him it went good.

His response was "We will work through it".  :)

 He knows a little about it.   I forgot to take my list of web sites for him, but told him I had some sites he could look at.

 I did take Em's  (I think) advice and told  him HIV.
 
He has more questions and when he gets back from Bike Week we will get together and will have a q&a  date.

So for now I can say  have a boyfriend.

Since I am not in Wildwood with him I hope it rains there all week and is nice and sunny here in Pa. ;D

Well off to my cuz's for a Labor Day party.
Have a good day.

Michelle 8)



Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: GSOgymrat on September 05, 2011, 11:58:46 am
I'm so happy it went well!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: zach on September 05, 2011, 11:59:28 am
 ;D outstanding, congratulations!

that took alot of courage
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Ann on September 05, 2011, 12:09:06 pm
That's fantastic, Michelle. He sounds like a keeper!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: leatherman on September 05, 2011, 12:18:16 pm
that's good news Kitty!  ;D hopefully things will continue to work out as your new beau gets educated :-*
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: emeraldize on September 05, 2011, 12:28:12 pm
This is great news, Michelle.

I've learned something new from you. If there's a disclosure in my future that I'm hoping will work out as well, then I'm planning to make red velvet cupcakes!!!

Enjoy the balance of the holiday.
Em
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: leatherman on September 05, 2011, 12:43:42 pm
red velvet cupcakes!!!
sounds like another recipe for next yr's AMG cookbook!
Title: Re: In person or over the phone?
Post by: Theyer on September 05, 2011, 12:56:54 pm
Thats great, Michelle may the world be bright and tingely.
theyer