Cant stop thinking about suicide

[Coyote_Smile]

I'm a 32 year old male all my friends are Neg so I really don't have that's why my roommate made me come here.

I lost my job (cause i was sick too much), my husband of 9 years dumped me and I got my first aids test since i was teen Poz of course, and too top it off after some really raunchy bareback sex over the years we were together he is NEG!  Did i mention this all happened in a 3 month period

did i mention I still live with my X, not because i want but because i have too

next thing i know my dad       comes into town for some fun and out of nowhere i pass out on the stairs
dehydration anemia and mac, was in the hospital 3 WEEKS THAT time

Now all i can thing about buying a gun something higher than a 9mm so it will be quick you know, and i am obsessive about it, i fantasize every way i could it shoot Dakota first then, shoot just my self on the bed we shared with a scathing suicide note, going to the new Orleans pier and becoming croc food or the middle of bourbon street during Mardi gras

i know i can overdose on xanax or my Hydromorphone but its too much risk of puking up the pills or someone coming home

anyone i have any advice i am afraid of MYSELF I dont want too be this way and i have both a psychiatrist abd psychologist and the drugs dont seem to help and I cant tell my shrink about this stuff because she will clasify me as harmful too myself and others

anyone else gone through this can anyone offer some advice, i used to be the person people wanted at parties cause i hot and funny now i am just skinny from the was ting and i cant bear to leave my house, definitely not the funny guy anymore

Coyotewww.coyotesrest.com

[WillyWump]

anyone i have any advice i am afraid of MYSELF I dont want too be this way and i have both a psychiatrist abd psychologist and the drugs dont seem to help and I cant tell my shrink about this stuff because she will clasify me as harmful too myself and others

Coyote,

You clearly have alot on your plate, but first and foremost you need to tell your Psych and Psychologists how you are feeling that is what they are there for. There's a chance tweaking your meds (anti-depressants, etc...) may help as it can take a while to find the right combinations and right doses for each person. As far as classsifying you as a harm to yourself, what's so bad about that? Your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of, but they are something to be worried about. I'm not sure of the process but if your Psych believes you are an imminent threat to yourself I guess its possible they may commit you to a 72 hour hold at a facility, but maybe you need that, again, nothing to be ashamed of.  Also, no one has to know your in there.

You need to reach out now, like RIGHT now. You can call your doctors after hours numbers and tell them how you are feeling, or barring that you can go to an ER as they are equipped for these type of situations. If you cant get yourself together enough to do either of these then just reach over and call 911, they are there to help you. You can also call 1-800-273-8255, it's a national hotline and there are caring people on the other end who are more than eager to listen to you and help you.

Don't let HIV win, don't let us down! There are plenty of people who care about you, including me and many others on this forum

What is the status of your HIV treatment? Are you on meds? How long have you been poz?

What is the most burdensome thing you are dealing with right now? Is it the fact your Poz? Is it your x?

I know it might seem hopeless right now but please know this will pass

Hugs
-Will

BTW, I'm glad your here.

[Coyote_Smile]

Thanks I see her Friday ans my psychiatrist Monday, still scared.

And its definitely my Ex and having to be forced to still live with him. he acts like we never dated I try and do the same...........

The HIV and Job loss would have been so much easier with him next too me

www.coyotesrest.com