hi new at this and alone

[nene1034i]

hi everyone i was diagnosed  poz on august 29 i have been with my partner for 12 years he has been poz before we met..
now that i need him the most he is not there for me im all alone... i have not been the perfect partner but if we been together for so long i cant be that bad ..anyway this is whats going.  he goes out and returns when he wants i cant ask were he was or were he is going if i do it just makes him angry with me.. now i sleep all alone and we dont even speak i was hopping that he would understand what I'm going thru. for  my first  visit to the  hiv doc he tells me that they going to find out that a have aids and im going to die really f up ...now i feel more alone then ever i think how about if the meds dont work on if i get sick can i count on him..i have been reading some of what other new diagnosed have posted and the repleis they get ..they are very helpfull makes me feel that im not alone so i decided to post my own ...i dont know what to do 

[Florida69]

Sounds like it is time for you to see this as a wake up call.  Let's hope it is not a aids diagnosis, but there are a lot of medications available if one does not work another one will I am sure.  Hang tough, D

[nene1034i]

i just think some  one that been with me for 12years should not say u have aids ..i will never say something like that not even to my worse enemy specially when u are poz and know how it can be for some people

[Catman]

  I personally am in a relationship for 12 years also. Mine is fine and my partner supports me and even takes me to doctors appointments and gets some of my meds. In your relationship I would have sent my partner to hell. What good is he bringing to you if he doesn't support you or help you out while going through that adaptation fase with hiv that everyone goes through. Being together is still loving each other and he should be giving you words of support and not that you are going to die from aids. He has no faith nor respect towards you for saying that. I have been positive for 21 years and I'm doing fine taking my meds. No one dies immediately unless they are wasted from using drugs and malnutrition. Please, love yourself more than your habit of being with your partner because for less reasons than that I have almost told my partner to end our relationship. He quickly changes his attitude and becomes humble once again. We don't live together and besides, I am usually the one who carries myself to the docs appointments most of the time. I am not afraid to be alone and I don't depend on my partner to do everything for me. He has a job to attend and studies to complete and I am not an intruder in his daily chores. Sometimes it's better to be alone than in a sour relationship that can depress you and make your stress level rise and affect your health. Think wisely whats best for you and do not be afraid to make changes that will benefit you in the future (especially now that you are worried of your health). Sorry for being so straight forward but I hate people who just bring on nasty comments to those who are concerned with their health or insecure about being alive and healthy in the future. This cat has a loose tongue!

[Andy Velez]

Nene, one step at a time. First of all, although it's an unhappy circumstance that brings you here, we're still glad you found your way to this site. So welcome.

I know it's hard to do when you were hoping and expecting for a different response from your partner, but I would urge you to put that aside for the timebeing. The most important thing for you now is having a doctor with whom you can form a good partnership and who will regularly monitor your numbers. Gradually you're going to learn a lot -- and there's no rush. Some of the lessons here on the site should prove helpful about various subjects. Read them and if you have questions just ask. In fact you're welcome here to ask anything you need to and to bring up anything you want to talk about.

Focus for now on taking good care of your health and that includes good nutrition and exercise. Things that seem overwhelming now may after some time begin to seem less so.

You're always welcome here. You're going to find a great bunch of people who have been where you are and who are generous with lending support and giving information.

Cheers,

[next2u]

your partner sounds like an ass. even if hi is feeling guilty about the situation (no mention on how you contracted it) or whatever, he should be more supportive. even if your partner is neg, they should be supportive. if he keeps treating you this way, you may have to reevaluate your relationship.

none of us are perfect, and you haven't had the best relations in the past, let it go or deal with. after that, find some happiness hon, you deserve it. and you shouldn't be with someone who isn't gonna support you, we all have a slightly bumpy road ahead of us.

take care, and i hope it works out well for you : )

[gpete]

Hi NENE...learn to LOVE yourself...FIRST!!!    Sorry your partner has treated you as he has but you CAN & WILL get over it!    I've known I've been poz for 20+ years now & have had 2 relationships (each 9 years).   My 1st & I found out together that we were both poz.   Back in the '80s we both felt it was a death sentence but we still had each other & managed to make it 9 yrs.    My 2nd said he was neg when we met & started but after our breakup he foundout he was poz also.   He REFUSED to play safe our entire time we were together and I seriously doubt he was neg when we 1st got together.   I found alittle daily devotion book by the name of "The Color of LIght" I'd like to reccomend.    It's NOT religious but it speaks TRUTHFULLY DAILY about some of the things we deal with and it might could help you along your way.   Attempt to find a support group that you could attend.   Reachout to ANYBODY and offer some encouragement whether they may be poz or not and attempt to GIVE in some way to someone else & you probrably will be surprized at how your "giving" will come back to you in a good way!    You/we are NOT as alone as we often think.    There are MANY more poz people than anybody knows about & somehow we've all kept on keeping on!   Clear your head,  keep your doctors appts & TAKE YOUR MEDS!   You can & WILL survive but YOU'RE the 1 who has got to do it!    You can order "Color" at bn.com (used book section) for less than $3 and I PROMISE it will speak to you EVERY day!    I wish you luck & like I said learn to LOVE yourself 1st!    Be well..... ;-))

[nene1034i]

hi gpete thanks for the info on the book i will try it thanks   everyone that reply to my post im feeling better but it seems that it all comes back at night ,,, all the fears and concern  i have to find someway on how to deal with it at night ...anyway thanks everyone

[Biracial Bodybuilder NYC]

Dearest Nene,
I really feel for your situation and if there is one thing I can say, it would be that I would never want you to feel alone because I do care about how you feel.  Remember that we are all here for you.  There are some wonderful people on this site who are compassionate and concerned.  I remember once being in a similar situation to yours, years back.  The isolation of it seemed worse than knowing I was positive.  Sometimes when we love another so much, we can temporarily overlook loving ourselves.  No matter what someone tells you, look to the future of goals, dreams and desires you have.  I am 35 and have been positive for almost over 18 years now.  My one wish is that, in your future, you look back at this difficult time and forget, because you will be a strong, happy, survivor with many accomplishments.  18 years ago, I never thought I would be here, competitively bodybuilding, training people with disabilities and being active and healthy.  Please take care of yourself and remember....we are here for you.
Always,
Marco-Antonio

[mr positive]

hi
your situation is really unfortunate.. but ask yourself. how do you want to feel? Do you want to allow a seemingly emotionally abusive partner take you down? Because that's what may happen!! I know you are scared.. god knows, i'm sure we were all scared when we were first diagnosed.. but if you are to prevent yourself from deteriorating really quickly, you will need to find some self love.. don't try and change your partner.. you can't , but you can change yourself.. you can change how you react to your partner's attitude.. personally, and i think everyone on here would agree with me, it stinks.. but you can't change him, and i know you probably want to.. just use the energy you have to get yourself back on your feet... and you never know, your feet might start walking out the door.. so my advice to you, and you can choose to ignore it if you want, is start respecting and loving yourself, and then the solutions to all your problems will become apparent..

When I got HIV i lived in london, and felt so alone... For two years I lay on the couch watching buffy re-runs, and in my mind i was slaying the virus.. but I should have been out there living, being healthy, exercising, eating a great diet, speaking to people like you guys on these forums.. just to know that i wasn't alone.... And that's exactly how i felt.. in the end, and it was almost the end for me, I went home to my parents in scotland... the best decision i ever made. it's really important to be around people who love you. i can't stress that enough...
I almost died of PCP and CMV last year, but now i'm a life coach, nlp practitioner and hypnotherapist.. so to say it's been a busy year is an understatement..  I also visit a 'miracle healer' ... so you see, this situation may just be what you are needing.. you have a choice to be strong and powerful... i hope you make the right decision.. you deserve the best... we all do.. but my advice to you is to just start loving yourself.. be around people who love and respect you, who make you feel good... because if you spend too muc time in the toilet you will end up stinking of shit... i guarantee that!! god bless..  if you are interested, check out the Abraham books by esther and jerry hicks.. they may help you..