POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Pre-HAART Long-Term Survivors => Topic started by: wolfter on November 01, 2011, 05:30:56 am
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I seem to be living life again as if some other terrible experience is around the corner. It’s not a fear or an anxiety producing issue, just has been my reality. It’s almost as if I owe it to myself to live as much life as possible until that happens.
Most of us have lived enough horrible experiences that I think it’s reasonable to have these feelings. Just a short while ago, I was so confined and sick and was sure I was finally ready to succumb. I was neither fearful nor upset about it. I guess I just doubt my ability to fight the next time. How many decades do we fight without loosing the strength to do it any longer?
I’d like to hear those sage words from my fellow LTS.
Wolfie
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How many decades do we fight without loosing the strength to do it any longer?
I understand how you feel. There are days when I wonder whether there is any good news for those of us in the LTS clan.
But, whatever happens, we are a determined bunch here. If we weren't, we probably wouldn't have survived this long.
I have never felt I had the strength to face some of these things I have. Yet, when it smacks you in the face, you somehow manage to muddle through.
Will we always have this strength that comes from somewhere deep inside us? I have no idea. But I refuse to live my life in fear of its failing me.
In the meantime, when I start feeling a bit lost or fearful, I remember what I have already done. Somehow that gives me strength.
Of course, we could just get together and have another lavender martini. ;)
HUGS,
Mark
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I wanna LIVE as long as I can, I've lived this long, why give up now, only problem I see is running outta money, and not being able to do all of things I want do, so I'll just take whatever I can muster, and not sweat the small things life throws my way, cause I know I will always have the ability to overcome it, money or not ;D
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I seem to be living life again as if some other terrible experience is around the corner. It’s not a fear or an anxiety producing issue, just has been my reality. It’s almost as if I owe it to myself to live as much life as possible until that happens.
Most of us have lived enough horrible experiences that I think it’s reasonable to have these feelings. Just a short while ago, I was so confined and sick and was sure I was finally ready to succumb. I was neither fearful nor upset about it. I guess I just doubt my ability to fight the next time. How many decades do we fight without loosing the strength to do it any longer?
I’d like to hear those sage words from my fellow LTS.
Wolfie
Hey Wolfie,
I owe it to myself to life the fullest life I can and when I hit roadblocks, I take only the necessary detours before returning to my original course. I see no benefit in borrowing possible sorrow from the future. I imagine there will come a day, when I may have to decide on living or dying. However, today is not that day, nor tomorrow or the next day, so why would I ever want to detract from my great life, by worrying about something many years away? I want to leave this world, wishing I had more time to enjoy it, not lamenting what I didn't do, because I was too busy worrying about the future.
Joe
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I know that, paid lots off therapy money in the past to learn the phrase pessimistic defence. . Kick it into yhe long grass unless you are convinced you are gifted with reading the future.
What is real is that you have the memories off being extremely ill in the past..
How,s work?
with love wolfie
mhtv
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Wolfie, I know exactly how you feel. I too wonder if I would have it "in me" to fight a major health problem. I just say that I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
I'm having issues with the whole "HIV and Aging" thing. My body went through so much trauma in the 90's, and I have so many drug-related issues (such as PN). Some days, I just don't feel like I have the strength to get out of bed at all; but I manage, somehow, to get myself into the shower, and then after the hot water runs over me awhile, I feel more human.
I've had a lot more years than I ever expected, and am very thankful for them. I do NOT, under any circumstances, want to live to an age where I am confined to bed, and unable to care for myself. I've spent too much time in nursing homes over the past few years, with elderly friends and relatives. It is not a place I care to imagine myself being.
On the 'bright side', my numbers are good, I look GREAT on paper...just not so hot in the flesh. ;D
Hugs, Alan
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I understand how you feel , I deal with the same issue day to day most of us deal with as a LTS .
I have learned over the years to take things one day at a time and some days hour by hour . I have to admit the old saying , if I knew then what I know now applies to how I view aging and struggling with a chronic health condition , its quality over quantity as I look toward the future for me .
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Hi
Just had to say....that I waited 10 years for the rug to be pulled out. It didnt get pulled out. I had to accept that I will never know when it will be pulled out and so....I try to live day to day.
Best luck
Joel
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Thanks all. Really appreciate all the comments. Even with my wide circle of friends, I find it difficult to share true feelings about this aspect of AIDS. Any mention of something like doubt would cause them concern and they'd over analyze it. You all know how them neggies are ???
I'll try and get better at adding a little more info to my posts. The underlying point of this post is my overall anxiety about life choices that have to be made. It's no different than what any other human does. We just have to add our HIV mix into it all.
I have major decisions to make and I have to make sure I think every scenario through as much as possible. There are a lot of things to consider and I'll get it done...hopefully making the correct ones. Or making only small ones that don't cripple me. ;)
It's difficult to leave your comfort zone and move towards your dreams, hopes and aspirations. I think always working towards those goals helped me achieve my LTS status. Going it alone this time and having fears is normal but I'm up to the challenge.
It's kinda embarrassing to admit how immature I was in so many respects. I've finally mastered budgeting, saving and balancing a check book. Am now totally responsible for paying the correct bills at the correct time. I sure do miss my; "money grows on trees" lifestyle :(
Again, thanks to you all. I really appreciate the great support.
Wolfie
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I understand this fully. I feel that way most days as I have shooting pains in my feet, and my knees get more and more crippled that I feel I can't walk another step. But walk on it goes, one step at a time. I also have severe insomnia, and even though taking Trazadone helps some, I'm still up betwen 3-5 am every day. Where I work we're having training next week in Indy, and no one wants to share a hotel room with me because of my early rising habits.
Plus I'm female, so hey, I hate wrinkles! And damn it, I can't afford liposuction! Yeah, I guess I'm a bit vain (or just don't like to look aged).
Things have changed 360 degrees, though, in the past 7 years, for the better, but in making decisions that took a lot of risk, and have not been all perfect in how things have worked out. But all I really know how to do is just do it. So good luck, it's just keepin' on.
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it's just keepin' on.
2nd that dear BT
mhtv
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My experience is that you get better every day. It's only those who don't accept you that pull the rug out from under you if you let them.
Buts that's my experience and others here don't accept my view.
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My experience is that you get better every day. It's only those who don't accept you that pull the rug out from under you if you let them.
Buts that's my experience and others here don't accept my view.
People don't have the ability to usurp my abilities. I only worry about those things that I have no control over. Hope you're doing better Larry. We ALL accept your views, we just don't always have to agree with them.
Wolfie
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One of the things we all share as LTS is that we are able to live full meaningful lives despite what we have endured . Just by being who we are can give hope to the ones that have recently been diagnosed . A life well lived speaks for itself .
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I understand this fully. I feel that way most days as I have shooting pains in my feet, and my knees get more and more crippled that I feel I can't walk another step. But walk on it goes, one step at a time. I also have severe insomnia, and even though taking Trazadone helps some, I'm still up betwen 3-5 am every day. Where I work we're having training next week in Indy, and no one wants to share a hotel room with me because of my early rising habits.
Hang-in-there Betty, I have that same problem w/ the Trazadone, and I'm already up to the 100mg's, so you might wanna try this, I take 1 @ bedtime, and when i wake up to go pee @ about 3:30AM, I take another one, and sleep thur till @ least 8 or 9AM, it helps somewhat, but for how long who knows ???
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I think having those thoughts from time to time is completely normal (I know I have them) but you also can't live your life waiting for something bad to happen. If the thoughts start to rule your life then that might be a time to think about talking to a professional. Although I don't really do well opening up to a therapist ... but hey it works for some people. :D
Thanks for that tip with the trazodone!
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Hey Wolfie ,
You look pretty healthy to me :o
I know what you mean thou . I tend to wake up and IF I do not hop out of bed
the first thing I think of is AIDS !
I feel like a corpse when I wake up ! Oh well ! Better to feel like one than be one .
I have to keep busy doing something most days or I will dwell on all the crap that could happen !
I pray daily that that crap will never happen thou !
Some call it denial I call it coping !
You made it past a very rough spot in your life , GOD willing you will not have to go that way
again . Think about what you can do . I will go on fighting HIV forever ! I am not afraid to croak .
The thought of dying before my time sounds wrong to me ! I have so many things I want to do .
My list is not extravagant or beyond reach . Just want time to enjoy what is out there .
Weasel :-*
P.S. To Larry :
Most of us like you ! I enjoyed meeting you . But as my twin does to me ........
Please do not tell me what I am thinking . My rug has been yanked far too often .
Now I watch where I am going and all is fine in my world :)
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Thanks Carl! I've spent the last year exercising my body, mind and soul. It was an intentional regiment that has shown improvements.
Considering that just 2 short years ago, I had severe wasting and was blind to the point of only seeing shadows, anything is an improvement. ;D Throw in that little brain fungus for fun, and we should have seen an expiration date.
Between working 2 part time jobs and my volunteer duties, I was way overdoing it. I only had one day off in 7 weeks. It dawned on me that I was creating a self fulling prophecy so I have backed off and am working what "normal" people work. 40 hours is plenty.
In the relatively short time that I've known you all, you've all become very special to me. I'm mentally in the best place I've been in years as a direct result of this.
Thanks again and wishing you all happy mental health.
Wolfie